Route 5

Memory and Desire

2010-06-08T08:00:00.003-05:00

TS Eliot said in "The Waste Land" "April is the cruelest month, breeding Lilacs out of dead land, mixing memory and desire."

Desire can feel like the enemy can't it? What do you want for? I really want a compost pile. I have wanted one for a long time. It hasn't happened yet. I find myself thinking about it. Wishing a had it. I also want a pool. I tried talking about it as though it already was once. I gave that up. I haven't stopped wanting a pool. I will sometimes forget that I want a compost pile and a pool. Maybe even for several weeks at ta time. Then I will throw a bunch of peels in the trash or tap the coffee grounds into the trash and think...."I wish I had a compost pile to put these in!" Just yesterday I was at the public pool with my friend Laura and I thought I wish we could finish a sentence without a kid saying, "Hi Mrs Mills" or "Hey, Mrs Irwin!" Now we love these students but moments like that mix memory with desire and I want a pool! These are small things. Somewhat meaningless. My life is wonderful without them. I know one day I will have them (at least the compost pile!)

I remember before I was married I always wanted to be loved. I knew there had to be a man out there that was just right for me. A man that would love me and yet spur me on to be all God wanted me to be. Many times I gave up. Then I would remember what it was I really wanted. In seasons of my life I didn't really have words for what I wanted it but in the stillness of my soul I dreamed of it. Ultimately what I want is to experience perfect love. Brian can not give me this...yet at moments it feels like it might be..this is a mixing of memory and desire. This remembering of Brian and his unconditional love and loving expressions stir up my memory for what my soul really wants.

Remembering is important. Sometimes we forget who God really is. Sometimes we forget because we are in a time of winter. We are just in a season of trying to survive. To make it day to day. God has more for us. We know it is true. Our memory of that is what makes us push through. To make it to spring...so eventually it will be summer. Spiritual discontentment are the aches that remind us...there is more to God than we know right now...more to God than we could ever understand..someday it will always be summer. Someday in our new Earth Jesus will be the Sun...until then we will have our memory stirred up in desire.

And He Sees Me

2010-05-20T10:10:00.004-05:00

I have just finished a seven week job at LJHS. So I am back to being a stay at home wife. Which I like but also does a bit of a number on my brain. First of all I am at home alone. Which is still weird for me. I miss Regan a lot. For eight years if I was home she was home. So, when I am home alone there is a unique missing that happens in my heart.

Secondly, when I am going really hard I do not have time to do the deep soul work that is required for an intimate walk with Christ. I still have devotional and prayer time each day but there is not time in my schedule to let God speak to me that way I like to be. It is much like not making time for a date or getaway with your family. You are living everyday together but it takes a lot of time to build deep relationships with each other that happens on vacation or weekends.

So, on Tuesday I actually got in my bed and took a nap. Now I tell you this because I have not crawled in my bed to take a nap alone since before Regan died. I did nap with her in my bed when she was alive. But it is not natural for me to nap especially under the covers in my bedroom. I have had some weekend naps and once I napped on the sofa. As I crawled into bed I thought..."I don't think I can do this anymore...I can't fight the good fight...I can not finish this race...I think I might give up."

I closed my eyes and fell asleep for thirty minutes. Then I woke up and grabbed the book I am reading for the maybe fourth time. Sacred Romance and I read "We long for a life to be better than it is. We wish the beauty and love and adventure would stay and than someone strong and kind would show us how to make the arrows go away. We hope that God will be our hero. Of all the people in the universe, he could stop the arrows and arrange for just a little more blessing in our lives. He can spin the earth, change the weather, topple governments, obliterate armies and resurrect the dead. Is it too much to ask that he intervene in our story? But he often seems aloof, almost indifferent to our plight, so entirely out of control. Would it be any worse if there were no God? If he didn't exist, at least he wouldn't get our hopes us. We could settle once and for all that we are alone in the universe and get on with surviving as best we may."

I cried...because this is sometimes how I feel. Like I am looking for God but can not find him. I wish that He had healed my little girl. I know some of you want to say..."But she is healed now!" Yes, I know that....I am not talking about that. When I think about what I want I wish that she was healed here on earth...so my eyes could see it. I still do not like it that she is gone. It is no longer acceptable with most people for me to be frustrated by this anymore...most everyone has moved on and accepted it. Some days I have. Usually I haven't. I feel like I am just surviving. Often even telling people what I know they want to hear.
Making the best of what I have been given. All along dealing with the pain of knowing the My God, the one who loves me the most, could have saved the one I love and did not.

What moves me is that exactly what my heart was feeling I read. I did not know how to say it. It renews my hope because I know God placed me at that moment to read that...so He could show me He is not aloof. He is still expressing love to me even though I am frustrated with Him. He is not aloof...I am aloof. I am often times like a little baby who wants it her way or no way. I appreciate the tenderness of a God who will meet me even when I am literally covering my head up and giving up...He doesn't! As my friend Shannon texted me a couple days later "If we are faithless, He is faithful...for He cannot deny himself 2 Tim. 2 :13

I am grateful today that He See Me! That I don't have to do all the work in this relationship. He pursuits me.

Purpose

2010-04-24T07:36:00.005-05:00

I haven't updated the blog lately because I question constantly why I should. I journal so I get my thoughts out that way...most of the time. The blog started as a way to update our family and friends on Regan's condition. Regan's condition hasn't changed in two years. So many times I think...just let it go. Everyone else has moved on...you should to.

I have been reading in 1 Samuel for my devotional reading. I am taking it nice a slow. It is refreshing to my heart. I just finished teaching Bible study over the book of Acts and spoke at 8 different events over late winter/early spring time. So, it renews me to just read and enjoy a book of the bible. A theme in 1 Samuel is the faithfulness of God. How the help of the Israelite people, for Hannah, for Samuel, for Saul...comes from the Lord.

1 Samuel 12:24 says, "Above all fear the Lord and worship Him faithfully with all your heart considering the great things he has done for you."

When I read this I am moved that this is true for me. God has been faithful to me. It is really what this blog is about. When I reread what God has done I know that He has been faithful to me. If he never did another thing all He has done is enough to sustain me for a lifetime. I say this right now but we all know how my heart goes....wondering. So it honestly probably isn't.

We went on a trip to Washington DC for Spring Break. It is like DC is a monument to God's faithfulness to our country at every turn...I don't imagine most people see it that way but was I looked at marble building after marble building I couldn't help but think...boy God has been faithful to us. We sat for a long time on the steps of the Jefferson Memorial...you can see much of DC's skyline from there. We took this picture. I cried and thanked God for His faithfulness to our country up to this point. I was humbled.

I want to be a worshiper of God. I want to do this will all my heart...with all my mind....with all my thinking...with all my strength. I want to recall his faithfulness to me. I have been making a list. It gives me mind and body something to do when I want to focus on what someone else is doing or not doing. It gives my mind relief from wanting to complain about small things. I want to be a worshiper of God who considers the great things God has done for me.

Maybe the blog will continue it's purpose.

"Afterwards, Samuel took a stone and set it upright between Mizpah and Shen. He named it Ebenezer explaining, "The Lord has helped us to this point."

This blog is my Ebenezer....

Lent oh Sweet Lent

2010-02-26T11:03:00.002-06:00

Ok...it has been awhile. Lent is here. For many years now I have observed Lent. Mostly because I need Lent. I look forward to it until I am in it. Then it makes me sad. For six weeks I expect to have little happiness. This is hard for the people around me. I get this a lot "are you okay?" I don't know how to answer this. Yes I am okay. Jesus died for my sin. He rose again so I could be renewed and restored. So, yes i am okay but my own sin drives me mad! It seems like most of the time I give up something so insignificant it is embarrassing to even offer this to God as worship. I have given up coffee, chocolates, sweets, complaining, diet coke, tv, rich meat...One year I didn't give up anything because I had to give up my daughter. That seemed like enough.

This year I have given up thirty minutes of sleep to pray and read the Bible. Now I obviously already pray and read but I love sleep. I love sleep in February and March like I love the sun in July! I think about when the next time is I will get it. I want to go to bed at 8...but make myself stay up later. I am not working until April so I don't have to get up before 6:30...so sleep was a good choice.

It is still small. So is chocolate, sweets, diet coke, complaining, tv, meat....I mean it is a small thing compared to Christ. No thing we could ever give up is what Christ gave up. It is small compared to my sin. Yet...it is so hard for me to get up. This makes me crazy. Today I never even heard my alarm but woke up wide awake at 6:30...know I know it went off but I just didn't respond.

I am like this spiritually...alseep...non-responsive...."Wake up O sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on You." (Eph. 5:14)

Lent is good for me. It reminds me.... I am weak. I don't like being weak. I prefer strong. Lent makes me feel exposed. "everything exposed by the light becomes visible for it is light the makes everything visible." (eph 5:13) Shine on me sweet Jesus...shine on!

Christmas Memory

2009-12-23T14:49:00.002-06:00

Christmas is here. We are back from skiing and now we are nestled down for a few days before our southward migration. We have successfully brought Brian to the age of 37...fun! We have a restful few days in mind. This afternoon I am missing our little girl. So I remember that He came once. He will come again. Then this space between us will be gone. Until then we wait....we say "Come Lord Jesus Come."

Because You Told Me

2009-11-15T20:29:00.002-06:00

I am currently teaching 3, 4, 5th Learning Disabled at an Elementary School here in Lincoln. Their teacher is having a baby so I am teaching while she takes care of her little one. I have been there a few weeks and will be there until Christmas. They are an awesome class. Last week I wrote all my students a note. I praised them for their strengths and told each one of them the particular blessing they bring to me. They beamed of course because who doesn't like to get a note...this is a side note but people should send more hand written mail....anyway one girl said, "I am good at math, I know because you told me so." Now the reality is she is good at math I was just reminding her of the reality that is already her truth. But this little interaction is has been challenging me to think rightly about myself. To remember who I am because He has told me so. Sometimes I forget or get distracted. But the reality is He has told me who I am...forgiven, able, full of the Spirit, redeemed, promised, blessed, adopted, chosen, I have a future, He is for me, have hope, He is active in me, righteous, holy, helpful, equipped, useful, good, understood, in a family, alive.....sometimes I forget. His Word reminds me that He is faithful to complete what He has started. I know who I am because He tells me so. This is why I go to school...to get schooled. Way to go public school!

A Rylee Lesson

2009-10-15T12:32:00.004-05:00

I am sure that I have written about my love for Hebrews many times. But I have to say it again..."I love Hebrews!" It keeps me going. It reminds me of so many important things that keep me on the right path towards Jesus. It keeps me strengthened when I am tired.

I keep a few things that are important to me in my bible. I keep a couple pictures of Regan that I love. They remind me that God did a good work in her life. He blessed me through her in so many ways. He continues to teach us through our memories of our past with her and the thoughts of her current reality which is very different from my own (Amen!) I also keep a picture of my grandmother and Brian that was taken the day of my brother Wade's wedding. It was a great day....I have many wonderful memories and one of them was taking that picture of them. I also keep two poems that Rylee wrote and gave to me. Rylee(like her mother) is a terrible speller but the heart of these poems teach me something each time I read them. They remind me....

"No disciple seems enjoyable at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it yields a the fruit of peace and righteousness to those who have been trained by it." Heb 12:11

I'm Still Happy by Rylee Mills
to: The sweetest girl Regan

My sister died but out of misery and I'm still happy.
My sister was sick and happy so I'm still happy.
My sister had seizures and was happy so I'm still happy.
My sister hurt but still smiled so I'm still happy.
She was lonely but was happy so I'm still happy.
My sister could not speak her mind and smiled so I'm still happy.

I Miss You so Much by Rylee Mills
to: My sister Regan

Sister in heaven I miss you so much and I love you so much.
Now you can run and walk but you are missed so much. I miss talking to you and playing with you so I say it again, I miss you so much. You were my everything. You were my best friend and little sister. So, I say, I miss you to much!

When I read these (which I do almost daily) they remind me that God is at work through this pain. That He has brought peace to Rylee through a painful situation. So He can bring peace to me too. "

Therefore strengthen your tired hands and weakened knees and make straight path for your feet, so that what is lame may not be dislocated, but healed instead.

" Heb. 12:12 I know that God wants to heal but mostly he wants us to know HIM! I know to many people our family probably seems "lamed" or maybe sometimes just plain lame! We have been broken. I constantly make it my prayer that we not resist the Lord's work and so we have to endure greater injury or keep us from injuring others because of our pain. I pray this because of this warning not to risk further injury but be healed instead. This seems like a choice to me. Rylee seems to walk in that victory most days. She accepts God's goodness readily. These poems are not just talk they are her testimony. They are her honesty. May they strengthen you today through the power of the Holy Spirit.

Maturity

2009-09-24T11:35:00.008-05:00

This morning I decided I needed to sort a section of my craft/game closet. This is also were I keep photos. So of course this sent me crying. These were photos from the last couple years or so. I put them in order and was filing them away. Crying all along. One of the things that is difficult is that my older to have changed from this...these were both taken the day of Regan's viewing here in Lincoln. (On a side note...we love our little joy baby Liam~! he is my nephew!)
To this...They grew up. Now they are not all the way grown up by any means but there physical changes are a refection of what her death has caused in their emotions and souls. In Harry Potter there are the animals that no one can see unless you have seen someone die. I think it is true that there is something that happens to you, that changes the way you see and experience the world when you are present at some one's death. We all grew up that day. My life is changed. I will never be the same nor to I want to be. Death is nothing like you think it will be....much more difficult than I ever imagined. Our relationship with each other changed...it grew deeper with each other because of this experience and our "getting on with it" afterwards...I am glad that God was with us...He wasn't asleep, He wasn't distracted, He wasn't preoccupied, He wasn't busy, He didn't have better things to do. He didn't need to be invited in..He just IS! He is the One maturing us into the likeness of His Son. Making us grow up and not be spiritual babies anymore. Praise God that HE WAS! He IS! and HE WILL BE!

So today I am thankful that physical changes aren't all that we have to count on. God promises us that He can do more than we imagine that HE can. I am trusting that He is making us more like our Big Brother Jesus everyday...in insight, depth of wisdom, understanding....this is what I desire....make us all more like You God!

Grief is Strange

2009-09-11T11:26:00.003-05:00

Rylee is missing Regan and she doesn't even realize what she is doing. This week she has started wearing a bow in her hair everyday. These are all Regan's bows of course. She has also started using baby lotion. We always used Baby lotion on Regan. So it smells like "her" to us. This morning both her and Ryder are in the bathroom slathering it on! Both of these things are strange because they are teenagers. She also drew me the sweetest picture of what she called her "happy" picture. I am standing at the door when an apron on and she and Regan are playing under our tree. In this picture Regan is in her chair and Rylee has a jump rope in her hand. It made me cry. All of this does actually because I find these bows everywhere, so I am constantly putting them back in Regan's closet. This was not uncommon when Regan was alive but a bit strange now. This along with smelling Regan everywhere because my other kids now smell like her is causing my brain to be confused! To top it all off last week I found one of Regan's socks in our clean laundry. I am standing at the table folding a load of laundry before school and low and behold there is a Regan sock in there. Dryers eat socks and sometimes spit them back out I guess.

I just keep leaning in and keep trying to navigate through these strange waters of grief.

Top Dogs 09

2009-08-21T15:42:00.007-05:00

Today Ryder started 8th grade. Rylee started 5th. These are both the highest grades there schools go to. I am excited to see them grow as leaders this year. Brian and I took them to school but first we went to McDonald's for breakfast. This is not the breakfast of champions but it was cheep.

Rylee has the same teacher that Ryder had Mr Lanning. So they are looking forward to a rocking year!

This is our last year to have a student in elementary school. So this makes me tear up a little. Not as bad as I used to....I still cry for those kindergarten mom. I remember how sad that was for me. I anticipate next year to be a tough year. I will have one in Junior High and one in High School.

Tangled UP!

2009-08-11T07:44:00.006-05:00

For the past two summers I have grown a flower in the same spot on my back deck. This year the Zinna's wouldn't grow there. So, I planted this in it's spot to celebrate Regan's birth day. Regan's grave marker is sits below it. I spend some time there most days. I love my back yard garden. I love to set beside this plant in the grass. It is my bit or paradise. I lay with my face to the sky. I watch the clouds. I listen to the birds sing. My tears water the grass below me. I miss my baby. I wish eternity didn't seem so far away. This lovely flower reminds me of her because she was lovely. It had tangled vines. You can't unwind them because they are tangled so closely. It is tangled so closely that you can't tell where one vine starts and the other one ends. Regan is tangled in our lives the same way. We can't get her unraveled from our lives. She is wound tight into our lives! I like it this way. However this makes my life more difficult. Everything reminds me of her.

Today I am going to babysit my friend's little girl Faith. She has autism. She also has the same therapist as Regan had. All tangled up!

Yesterday I was crying because I miss her. I was moving some dirt. So I was singing some "I miss you songs" while listening to my ipod. I was standing in the back of a trailer sweat streaming down my neck and tears down my checks. My neighbor heard me singing. She thought it was great. I thought it felt like a relief. Just like Brian, Ryder and I driving through the cemetery last night for half an hour. Ryder said, "I think people might think we are weird." All tangled up!

Sunday Brian and I rode in the elevator at church. I hadn't done that since she died. All tangled up.

Saturday I found new pictures of Regan had hadn't seen. They were on Rylee's camera. We enjoy looking at her in new ways. All tangled up!

Friday I saw one of Regan's little friend Kayla wheeling around in her back yard playing with her friends. She has an electric wheelchair. I wish Regan could play with her. I wanted to watch for a while but I think that is stocking. All tangled up!

You see I probably make people nuts because I can't stop thinking about her. I can't stop thinking about her. I guess she is just all tangled up.

2009-08-02T17:50:00.005-05:00

Often times I think about the power of a question. My dad first asked my mom on a date after buying a 5cent comb from her (she worked as a soda jerk at a drug store). I wouldn't be here if she wouldn't have answered yes to that question.

One of the most important questions we ever answer is..."Do you believe that Jesus is the Christ Son of the Living God."

I have several college girls and some high school girls who have made there way through my home. Our relationship started with me asking me to be in my small group. They challenge me. They make me strive to be all I can be. I know they are watching me. I want to be a good model.

Some friendships are sparked by "Would you like to come over for dinner?" Maybe "Would you like to go out for a coke?" I have great relationships that started this way.Jesus walked around asking questions all the time. He even answered questions that were given to Him by asking another question.

I have been forgiven of a lot. "Will you forgive me?" Such a hard thing to ask. Such a hard thing to answer. Can I really forgive that.....?....them?.....myself...? especially when I keep doing what I ask forgiveness for.

This summer I have been thinking about how much my life changed because a young man asked me to marry him. Our son just turned 13.....He never would have done that if his dad had not asked, "Chantell, will you marry me?" Everyday I chose to love that guy. Man I am glad he asked.

Some questions change your life....some for the better....some not. I keep thinking..."Will you take up your cross daily and follow me?" Man now that is a hard question. It is the most difficult. I am pretty good at picking it up every other day but sometimes I just need a day off. But no...."today will you pick it up?"

Questions??????

2009-07-15T15:24:00.002-05:00

The week my Granny was dying she asked me if I could see it. "See what?" I asked her. Now this happened several times. Some of you may not remember this by my Granny didn't know who I was for several years before she died. She did have some clarity the days before her passing but otherwise she hadn't known me in years. I would tell her who I was. She was always loving towards me. I think her soul knew she loved me....her mind just couldn't remember why. So when you are in this state you don't act politically correct. In her latter years she thought her doll was a real baby. She would sing to it the same lullaby she sang to me when I was a baby. She same song she sang to Ryder and Rylee when they were babies. She would ask children for their candy. She would think marbles were candy! She would say rude things sometimes. Nothing like her normal self but a sort of untamed one. I sometimes wish I had this courage. So, I tell you all this so you can know that she didn't feel the need to say things just to make anyone feel better. She just said what she thought was truth.

The week that she died she asked me if I could see him. "See who?" I asked her. She said, "Jesus and he has brought the children." I couldn't see him. I wish I could. She could. She put her hands out towards him...she would point to the children all around the bed. I whispered for her to "Go!' Even though my heart wanted her to stay. I was jealous that I couldn't see what she could see. I wanted to. Isn't it amazing that though she never saw Jesus with her eyes it was He that she knew...not us the ones she lived with but the ONE who knew her...Jesus.

My faith and hope aren't always high. My unbelief sometimes overwhelms my faith. This frustrates me because I want my belief to be firm. Sometimes the tide of grief over takes the ground that my feet are standing on. This week is one of those weeks. So I remember that in the end when I am ready to drop this earthy tent it will be Jesus that I see. The ONE who really knows me. Maybe I will get to see him a few days before. Maybe He will bring the children too. Maybe I will smile like Granny smiled when she saw Him. It is Jesus that makes it worth it. Every struggle....every tear...all the waiting....all the missing....all the struggle..... the hope that Jesus is the Omega of my life.

Longing

2009-06-16T09:22:00.003-05:00

One year and two months ago today Regan died. I know not everyone keeps track of a date like this. People in new relationships count like this. Most mothers do until their child turns two. Maybe that is when I will let all this silly counting go or maybe I never will. Only time will tell. The day that Regan died profoundly changed my life. It might be the biggest day in my life. I have never watched anyone die. Brian has had several opportunities to be with people and their families during the moment of death. These moments are precious to him....Reg's is of course a stand out but still it is precious to watch someone drop their body and be with Jesus in this paradise. I miss her worse as time passes. I am sure as time moves on it will let up. I don't tell most people this because most have moved on. I however have not....this whole thing is difficult.

I like to walk down the rows of flowers in gardening centers. Yesterday while I waited for my friend Laura to by spray paint I took a stroll through the flowers at ACE. I put my face to the sky and let my hands pass by the flowers on both sides. I whispered "I miss you Regan." Sounds crazy because I know she can't hear me but I have to say it out loud or I feel I will burst. I wonder if paradise smells like sweet flowers. I wonder as I listen to doves sing and robins tweet "Are these the sounds my sweet baby sings with?" and "Are these the smells that fill her cute little nose?" (This nose was perfect for kissing and I assume that it looks the same now because it was alreay perfect.) I picture her there walking....sometimes I lay in my grass on my back by her grave maker that is in my yard and look up at the sky. I wonder if she gets to lay in the grass and watch the blue sky. (This is a side bar but I hope in the new heaven and new earth we still mow because I love to mow and I love the smell of fresh cut grass.) I don't think I ever let Regan lay on the grass...I was too afraid of bugs biting her. Plus she hated bright lights so facing the sun wasn't enjoyable to her. She laid on blankets in the grass with her head on our laps. I only have one memory of her on the grass and it was while we took family pictures on our first first Easter in Lincoln.

This longing I have to be with Regan is unlike anything I have ever experienced. I have never longed for anything as much as I do this.....it is teaching me what a true longing for God feels like. I have always wanted to know God and the power of his resurrection but now my mind understands a deeper longing...one the is more pure and firmly set. I keep praying that God would teach me to long for Him like I long to be with her. I am sure this will be a life long process. I am stubborn. But He is making my heart more purely passionate for Him.

Over that past few weeks I have been stretching my mind and spirit around the idea that God longs for me. He longs for me to stop and set down with him. To be aware that we are always together. Just like I long for Regan or even now how I want Ryder or Rylee to come and set with me and "chat it up" or share their life with me. I understand that I will always love my children more than they love me. So my desire is for them more than their desire is for me. This is the way proper parenting should be because they can't out love me. So, I think this reveals God's love for us. Sometimes I forget that my desire for relationship with God isn't one sided. He wants me too. As a matter of reality He loves me more than I could ever love him.

When I was a new christian I listened to Rich Mullins all the time. He was one of my early spiritual influences. One of his songs says, "In this reckless raging fury that we call the love of God." This description keeps running in my brain. This is not an angry rage but a powerful and intense love. Like a storm that rages. God loves me with a raging fury. He will do ANYTHING to have relationship with me except make me.

I feel blessed to feel this fury. I want my life to be a full awareness of Ps 139. That he knows me all of me. That no darkness can hide me. That in him there is no darkness only light. "The night shines like noonday sun." Often I think that I am away from God or that parts of my earthy experiences are hidden. But this is not truth. The truth is...He will do ANYTHING to have relationship me with. He is in hot pursuit after me. No amount of longing I could ever have for him can compare to HIS desire for me. He is always with me. He always knows me. He is always searching my heart for truth. He doesn't look at what I do or don't do...He looks at ME. He wants me. That even feels weird to write. But it is true....He wants me.

I don't know why....

2009-06-03T11:21:00.002-05:00

Over the past few months I have noticed nearly every weekend the saddening sight of the "kid exchange". My sister is divorced. So I know about it. I have seen it go well and go poorly. My sister is an amazing woman who has had to navigate waters I will never know. She is now remarried to an awesome man, Brad. We love him dearly but she spent several years as a single mom. She was actually always a single mom but I won't go any further than that. Single mom's are the hardest working women on the plant. So, I am no stranger to "the kids are at their dad's" weekend. However, recently I am catching all kinds of families as they make their exchange. I saw one family in MO, I saw one round the corner, I saw one at the laundry mat, I saw one in Indiana.....there have been lots more but you get the picture. I know they are not married by the way the two interact with each other...coldly. The kids are sometimes asleep, they are various ages, but the whole thing just makes me sad. Now, I am glad that my sister got the divorce that she got. They probably shouldn't have ever been married....the best part of their relationship is my nephew. He is one of my favorite people. Recently for no apprent reason I am overwhelmed with this thought....."Thank you God that you are always with those children." I can't imagine the pain of letting my kids go every other weekend to someone else's house. That is a lot of time you are missing out. That must be a comfort to parents who have to endure it. God is with them even when I am not.

This is no statement about divorce or dad's or mom's who are single. Like I said my sister went through it. My husband's parent's are divorced. So, please do not think that I am looking down on these families. I just have noticed it more lately and wanted to write a little about it. My eyes are open to it for some reason. I feel a pain in my heart as I watch them....these strangers I don't know....and sometimes I cry because I feel sad for them. I say a prayer for their kids. I say a prayer for the mom and the dad. I pray peace and mercy. I say a prayer for myself that I never have to do that. I credit my marriage only to the grace of God. Like I said, it is just something I have been noticing.....I don't know why....maybe God just wants me to remember that He is always with us no matter where we go even if it is to Dad's house for the weekend.

Some Canyon Thoughts

2009-05-12T12:22:00.006-05:00

We recently went to the Grand Canyon. There is nothing that can describe it. Words fall short..pictures don't do justice....but trust me when I tell you that you must go there. Please go when your children are older because there are hardly any rails which makes it great and terrifying all at the same time.

While I was there each day I would think about the pioneers or native Indians who would happen to arrive at this canyon. How it must have been difficult to explain to someone how vast it is. How people probably didn't believe them because it just seemed unreal. It didn't seem possible that earth could look like this. Then came along the photograph....now there is a witness to this truth...the Grand Canyon. See here it is. Now people travel year round to visit God's glorious canyon.

Now people arrive and say "This is bigger than I thought." "This is more vast than I could imagine." This place is one of the seven natural wonders of the world. People from all over the world travel to see this place that they have always heard of, seen picture of or studied in school. Everyone has the same experience. We all think...this is more amazing than I ever thought it could be.
I kept saying, "I have heard of this place my whole life and now I am actually here." Then I would say, "This is better than I ever thought it could be." For four days I did this over and over. We would turn a corner and say, "Amazing, it looks completely different here." Now I tell people and they don't understand. There eyes go blank because they really don't want to hear and they do not understand. Except for those who have been there too.

This got me thinking about heaven. How I have heard of this place my whole life and someday I will be there. I will say "This is better than I ever thought it could be!" I will say, "I have heard of this place my whole life and now I am actually here, I can't believe it I am here." "Jesus wasn't lying when he said it would be worth the wait."

Some people have a hard time believing Jesus and the words He said to be true. We have been waiting a long time. My faith often weak in this area because I want to see and feel and touch so I can know. I am a little like Thomas. While at the Canyon I kept thinking how John says, "No one has ever gone into heaven except the one who came from heaven, the Son of Man." Jn 3:13 He testifies to us about the values of heaven, who is great, who will be least and about what the Father is like. I must believe Him because He was there. Just like I was at the Canyon because someone had gone there and testified to me about it's grandness, so I went. Jesus is telling us about something higher, greater, better than anything we know. Even though I don't understand it because it is grander than I can wrap my mind around doesn't mean it doesn't exist. He paints a picture for us with words but those words will fall short because words aren't enough. It takes trusting Him and that is our journey to get there. He said that He was going back there to prepare a place for us. I trust that too. He says He is coming back for me...I trust that too. When the clouds part and Christ is there, the dead in Christ will rise first, then we will met them in the air. I wonder if we will say, "It is just as He said."

Come, Lord Jesus Come!

This picture was at sun set in the Canyon! AMAZING! Oh, He is coming for us!

What Remains

2009-04-25T07:43:00.005-05:00

A few months ago I read this great book called "What Remains." It is a memoir written by Carole Radziwill. She lost her husband, her best friend and and her best friends husband within three months of each other. (Her best friend's husband was John Kennedy Jr). She speaks candidly about death and helping someone who is chronically ill. Her husband is died of a horrible cancer. This book has brought some healing into my life. Just to hear someone speak familarly about walking a road of suffering ....she talks a language I know. She writes it well. She is not Christian but pain is pain. Her suffering is familar to me. She doesn't talk about God I don't know that she knows God. God knows her so and I love this book. This book made me think about this....

We have a hope chest that was given to us by Brian's family. In it are many of the things we treasure most from Regan's life. The pill crusher we used multipule times a day..it still has the last dose that I had ready to give her. It was still setting on her bed along with a cup of water for flush it. In this box is her ducky towel we used for way to too long but worked so well after her bath. There is also the key to her coffin, some medical bands, her hair bows....the things that are left of a life and death. Her closet is still full...I don't know when I will ever get to all of that. Some things I have already given away. Most of it still remains in the closet.

Yet those things don't mean as much as my memories of her. This are not locked in a closet or shut up in a hope chest. They remain with me all the time. The flood back when I watch my tulips bloom, when I walk in my front door with out her, every night when I go to bed, when we set at the table to eat......these memories mean more to me than any token. Ultimately all that will be left of her life is a small box .....that will all that will be left of mine. So this spurs me on to what will remain after that.

Hope, faith and love remain this is the context in which I remember her. Mementos only comfort for a moment. If it is a really good momento maybe a few moments. I do love these mementos but they are limited. I need something else to help. The whole that left in my life can not be filled up by little sweet sweaters, cute socks and left over meds.....this feeling that CS Lewis says so well "Was I really made for this?" My heart says "NO!" I was made to know God and to be known by Him. To know God within the context of hope, faith and love........

A year later what remains are the memories of my baby....my love for her, my hopes for her future, my faith in the reality of her life today. Even though I don't know what her life is like I am trusting God that it is good and peaceful. But what also remains is my love for God, my hopes that He what tells me is true. My faith in His words to be true. One day my faith with be sight, there will be no more need to hope in, but love will remain. I like that.

A Year Later

2009-04-16T07:23:00.010-05:00

She loved to travel. You can see the joy in her face from her wheelchair and our mini-van. They allowed us rich time together and a life full of meaningful experiences. Many of our trips were mundane, everyday, across town or for simple errands. Some were worried between home, doctors and hospitals for help. Others were migrations back to family. Wherever we traveled, we went there together.

Today that wheelchair has been empty for one year. That mini-van has stayed closer to home. And we miss her.

But, we have traveled more miles this year...in my truck, on airplanes and in an RV...

...to the mountains in Colorado...

...to the coast in Florida...

...to the ski slopes of Northwestern Illinois...

...to the Grand Canyon...

These were great adventures for us...to explore God's good creation, our own hearts, rich family community and a new future. We are grateful for so many wonderful opportunities to travel. But with every adventurous mile we feel further away from our dear Regan. And "together" means something new...something not altogether welcome...something less...four instead of five. Even though she would not have enjoyed most of these miles, and could not have participated in our odysseys, she had a gracious way of putting up with our pace. And we enjoyed the sweet spirit she shared with us.

On April 21, 2008 we buried Regan in Oklahoma's red clay.

I struggled painfully that day wondering where she was and what would happen to her little body. So I went to the cemetery at dawn, prayed and did a Bible study.

I was reminded of the beautiful image of "Paradise." It was pictured as a Persian pleasure garden or forest. It was a place of peace and rest for those who had overcome the struggle with victory.

Though scripture doesn't give us all the specificity we'd like, it does give us some assurance: "To him (her) who overcomes, I will give the right to eat from the tree of life, which is in the paradise of God." (Rev 2:7)

We had this inscribed on the front of Regan's headstone. And on the back we added,

"She ran her race with grace.
We were graced to run with her."

Oklahoma isn't really known for its pleasure gardens or forests...but we believe Regan is enjoying a well-deserved rest in the Paradise of God.

So, we'll continue to run our race with the grace he provides.

It has been a hard year, to be sure. But God has been faithful. And he continues to lead us forward. That's good for us, because we enjoy traveling, too. Just a little less without her.

Thanks for traveling with us.

-Brian

Whiter Than Snow

2009-03-29T20:53:00.009-05:00

This week in first grade we have been learning about adding -er or -est to compare two or more than two things. So I would like to say that snow when it is almost April is very exciting and seems to look different than snow in February. We woke up this Sunday morning to four inches of snow.....

Snow is white.....We also woke up knowing today was the day that Rylee was taking up her cross to follow Christ.

"though your sins are as red as scarlet, I will wash them whiter than snow." Is 1:18

What a wonderful day! She celebrated with her Sunday School class...and her several of her close friends were all there to see the big moment. We will share via video tape with our family over the next few weeks......She has been wanting to take this step for several months. After lots of conversations and a few tears we decided she was ready. Here are some of our favorite things she said to us.
"I am ready for the privilege of calling myself a Christian."
"I know I am a fingerprint of God but I am smudged. I know only Jesus can fix it."
"My heart can go dark. I need Jesus to help it."
"I know I could die. When you watch someone die you wonder where you will go when you die. I know that when you die you either go to be with God or you don't. I want to be with God."

This sounds like ready to me. The fruit of repentance is a beautiful thing.

We also went to watch one of Brian's boys be ordained..it was really great. Brian and Chris have a special relationship. We are so glad to see him take his next step in ministry. (Brian had a scooter fall on his head of Friday so he has a big bump...he is not turning Indian.)

Ryder also was in a play called "God Spell" this week at LCC. They had four performances. He did a great job...one of his best. Here he is with his buddy Garrett and friend Hannah along with their mentors for the play. It made me cry to watch Ryder sing one of the songs in the play in which no other children were singing but it was his favorite of the play. It talked about walking a day in which we will walk side by side with Jesus..... Let the church cry out....."Come Lord Jesus Come!"

Their costumes were crazier than normal.
But this week was the craziest we have had in a while. Praise God who pours Himself out from generation to generation.

Dates

2009-03-25T19:15:00.003-05:00

This month is so full of memories of Regan

March 22 was her first seizure
March 27 first hospitalization in Dallas Children's Hospital
April 2 was the day she was declared brain dead in 2007
April 16 was the day she actually died

So we just move from one strange memory to another....

Each of these times hold both sad memories and also little miracles. Strangely enough Regan's first seizure was also while my Granny was likely to die from kidney failure. She made it and so did Regan for over five years. Amazing when I think about how these two are connected.

The first time we were hospitalized we were there for 10 days. They were some long days. We had no idea what we were doing. But we felt God close and guiding us in so many ways. His care has always been tender toward us. There are so many ways we saw him move I could not begin to list them all but a few are:
Regan was already in there computer but we had never been in that hospital and no one knew we were coming. The Great Physician called ahead.
Regan had a seizure as I laid the pen down at the registration desk. You never knew when they would come. God had perfect timing. The nurse came running through the door and knew exactly what she was looking at and diagnosed her immediately and accurately.
The president of the hospital came to visit us and pray for us....his daughter attended a Bible study that I taught. This pushed a test through we had been waiting on for two days...it happened within two hours.

Obviously everyone who reads knows all the details about the last two events. There are so many more than I could write about. We were glad to have her another year....we wish we had more. I wish I was buying her an Easter outfit to match Rylee. Yet we still feel and hear God. His care is tender....even in the the intensive care, hospice care, home care because we are always under His care.

First Grade Adventures

2009-03-18T11:49:00.002-05:00

This week I officially became the substitute teacher for first grade while the normal teacher has a baby. She was put on bed rest four weeks before her due date so I am starting early! It has been a lot of fun. I enjoy this age....6 and 7 year olds. Regan might have been in first grade...and here is where I will be on the days around her death day. I will be surrounded by children who are still here to getting picked up after school, get their lunch packed, do homework, practice writing words, make spring crafts....their parents have no idea how blessed they are. Many of these parents don't feel blessed by their children at all. I feel a special attachment with those especially. I have already introduced them to one of my favorite series for this age, "Mercy Watson." three of them checked out copies to take home. They want to come to my house for dinner. They request me to tell them stories about adventures I have taken. The little girls love my rings and necklaces (no wooden pieces or button covers). They show me their bows. I tell them I love bows. Even the kindergardeners show me their bows and hair barrettes...isn't that strange? I have one boy that likes to set on my lap. He says "Do you think I am too big to set on your lap." I say, "No way, my twelve year old still sets on my lap." They knock at my window during recess....I wave and wink. One little one says he likes my hair because it smells good. I already love them.

I must say I wish Regan was with me. I wish I could have pushed her in a normal swing. I wish she could have climbed on rock walls. I wish she could have practiced her spelling words with me. I wonder what her handwirting might have looked like? I wish she could have asked me for a story.

This six year olds comfort me and make me long all at the same time. I know this is normal. I know because I KNOW that we were not made to watch things die. We were not made to let go of things in death. We were made for abundant life. We were made to cultivate to bring forth life. This truth comforts me the most and makes me long for eternity even more!

Memory Lane

2009-03-11T06:15:00.005-05:00

Yesterday Brian and I drove to Springfield, MO to watch our LCC boys basketball team play at nationals. Brian wore one of our seniors' t-shirt for fun. Brian is not much of a "t-shirt" wearing guy so it was a big deal.

Anyway, so we drove five hours in the car and then watched a basketball game and then drove five hours home. It rained the entire way home so that wasn't very fun and even worse our boys lost....not fun at all. (This is mostly because I like to win and think it is much more fun than losing.)

However we did not mind the drive. You might call it memory lane. We make that drive several times a year. It is the path way to both my family and Brian's Kansas family. This is also the way we drive to get to Texas when we visit there. So, as we drive I am flooded with memories. Most of them make me smile....some make me shed a few tears... some even make me laugh. Honestly I wish we could make more similar memories now. We frequent the the same stops it seems....the Panera at Rolla, the Starbucks on both sides of St Louis, the rest stop on the south tip of Illinois....I could bore you with more but I will stop there.

Traveling with Regan was an adventure. Some would call it crazy but we loved it. We still miss her most when we are all in the car together. We find ourselves bored and wishing she needed us somehow. She doesn't. So we stay bored. We listen to our "Regan songs" on our ipods and pat each other.

I remember when we took her to be laid to rest in Oklahoma...this is the path we took. All of my sibilings, their spouses and children along with my parents in a long funeral procession from Illinois to Oklahoma. We like to remember that it was also the fastest one too (those of you who have driven with Brian understand this). On that drive all the red bud's where in bloom. The interstate was lined with purple buds....these reminded me that God was close by.....all creation declares it. Though the cars we passed had no idea what we were doing God saw us on our journey. He didn't miss a moment.

I wonder how long these memories will flood my mind. I still have half my life left. I hope they always will. It is what I have left...memories.This is Regan riding in the van.....see I told you she loved to ride in the van! She was our traveling baby! She even had to wear two seat belts.
Okay so sometimes they slept......still really great memories!

Recovering from Ashes

2009-02-26T09:56:00.003-06:00

This week I have been very sad because of several tragedies happening all around me. Our friends Kyle and Katie lost their two year old Hailey who had a similar disorder to Regan. She died in the night last Friday. I am so sad for her loss. Some other tragedies are sin related so I can not speak about them here...but they grieve my soul. My brother lost his job this week. My dad had surgery. Some of my issures are in preparation for the Lent season that we have now entered into. It is painful because I know God created us to have different earthy experiences. These tragedies each represent a loss of some kind.

This week in the Divine Hours the prayer for the week says this..."Most loving Father, whose will it is for us to give thanks for all things, to fear nothing but the loss of you, and to cast all our cares on you who cares for us: Preserve me from faithless fears and worldly anxieties, that no clouds of this mortal life may hide from me the light of that love which is immortal, and which you have manifested to us in your Son Jesus Christ our Lord..."

So in God's great care for me He has given me words to say that are true. Because no words come to me in times like this. This is why I love these books of prayer. He has given me a reminder that though these things that burden me are losses (some greater and more painful than others) still yet I should fear none except the loss of HIM!

So I mentioned have been preparing for Lent. I wasn't sure I was going to give anything up because I feel like I have been in a season of "giving up" and really didn't know what to give up. But I was open. Yesterday standing in the Ash Wednesday service that I attended I was reminded that Lent is for everyone, for the old, the young, the newlywed, the children, and so I thought even those who have been in a season of "giving up." YES..even ME...the one who have given up! So I was committed to lenting. I need to be reminded of how sinful I am. Of just how much I need Jesus' resurecting power in my life. I feel at peace with what I am lenting...I look forward to Easter when I can have it back my sweet desserts. But my prayer will be "no loss like the loss of you, God" and probably also "All my delight is in you LORD! not in dessert!"

I also had this thought as the ashes were crossed on my forehead and these words were repeated "From dust you came and dust you will return." You see a body I love very much is returning to dust as I speak.....I don't like it very much. This is one of thoese "wordly anxieties" that I am confessing is clouding God's glory. Now granted, this loss is great in my life. It causes me great suffering. Yet these ashes remind me that a greater loss would be returning to dust myself without a knowing the one who mae me and without knowing His voice in my life. This loss would be greater...honestly at times I forget this truth. I think Kyle and Katie's loss is greater....I think divorce is greater, I think so many stupid things that I am embarassed to write are greater losses than that of the LOSS OF GOD; His presence in our lives.

"If the Lord had not been on our side-let Isreal say-If the Lord had not been on our side when men attacked us, they would have swallowed us alive in their burning anger against us. Then the waters whould have engulfed us; the torrent would have swept over us; the raging waters would have swept over us." Ps 124 1:1-5

You see though I am giving up I am not being swallowed, or engulfed, or swept away in the raging waters of pain, grief, saddness, or pain because He is at my side, forevermore. He is at the side of my family. Most importantly He is also at the side of the Father reminding Him that I am forgiven, that sometimes I don't know what I am doing, that I desire more of God even when I don't act like it. Praise God for a time of repentance....."to fear nothing but the loss of YOU!"

Self-Book

2009-02-17T13:27:00.003-06:00

So I like most everyone my age have a profile on Facebook. I enjoy the easy connection this gives me with people that I otherwise might not know much about. Girls I went to high school with. Guys I have known since I was a child. College students who have moved on with their lives and now have lives that being me hope. It even helps me with connection with people who are in my everyday life. I can go on and send a message and not worry if the email address I have for them is right.

However it (like Christmas cards) can do a whammy on my view of self. I was reminded of this sin of self so many times over the past few weeks. This might be one of the greatest sins we could have. Thinking too highly of our selves...or thinking too much about ourselves period. I admit that I have moments where myself is what is on my mind. I may cloak them in thoughts of others but ultimately and too often I really think it is all about me.

I am reading the Great Divorce by CS Lewis right now. In an exchange about humans the Spirit says, "They sink lower...become interested in their own personalities and then in nothing but their own reputations" (pg 85) That steps on my toes. Sometimes I even try to trick myself into thinking that my reputation in also God's this is true but when I am honest I sometimes care more about my own.

So this has got me thinking about moving higher instead of lower. So I wrote this statement as a prayer.... "Could I move higher...become so interested in who God is and then in nothing but His reputation!"

Lewis goes on to say that self centered living as a casket of death an... "airless, careless...impervious to all of love's arrow's and impervious to love it's self.

Lord, please let selfishness not be my casket but may I find ME by loosing ME and gaining YOU the LIFE! (Luke 9:24)

Like the great song Hosanna says....
"Take my heart and make it pure.....everything I am for your kingdom's causes!"

Shared Experience of Glory

2009-02-09T10:44:00.003-06:00

I have a weakness right now for the the phrase

Holy Holy Holy

I think Regan might get to sing it now since she is with Jesus. When I sing it I cry...but I sing it loud. It is something we might be getting to do together. It makes me happy.

The evening Regan was dying I sang the song "Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus" to her. We knew she was dying. I kept thinking about how this was the process she was going through. That soon she would "Look full in his wonderful face. And the things of earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace."

I sang it to my Granny the week I was with her too. I took a hymnal with me a few times when I went to set with her. I sang to her. I knew these were the songs that she needed to hear. Songs of hope eternal. Songs of our true home.

We sang "Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus" this week in church. So I started to cry because I have those recent memories. We don't sing it much anymore. So I am sure it is the first time I have sang it in a congregation in years....I remembered singing softly in Regan's ear. Telling her that if she saw Jesus she should go. Telling her how much we would miss her but how she would leave suffering behind.

Sunday I felt like maybe Regan would want me to hear these words. She really knows how wonderful His face is now. I was just dreaming about it when I sang it to her. I have never seen Jesus but I image it is lovely. Now it is her reality. I needed a reminder about the small and short these dark days will be compared to His eternal light and glory.

Some days feel really long lately. We all miss her. Since it is the dead of winter here there is not much light.....no glorious sun. This doesn't help things. We know there is a sun but at this point it is a distant memory. Last week I kept daydreaming about the pool, my backyard full of flowers, green grass, flip-flops, cloths on the line, counting up the days until lent will start so I can prepare for Easter. I needed some reminders of spring and reminders of what new life feels like. The light seems way too far out in the distance or way back in the past. We are in the in between...oh I hate this part. Yet He feels close by.

So, I feel blessed to know that God is with me. He outshines the sun. He is to be worshiped in every season. He promises that we can have new mercies everyday. I think that this means everyday...I am taking Him at His word. Praise God! Praise Him for Hope. Praise Him for the hope of a future, a shared experience of glory and for little glimpses of it now in the in between.

Hope Hype

2009-01-26T13:24:00.003-06:00

There is a lot of talk these days about hope. Many people have had their hope renewed by our new President. Last week I heard lots of people interviewed. Over and over I heard people lay that they feel like they woke up to a new world and that they felt like they needed to do more to be a better American. This is very interesting to me. Isn't it strange that people are so simply motivated. That their hope could be so simply placed.

Now I like Obama. I almost voted for him. I think he will make a great President. I am praying for him and his family. I cried as I watched him sworn in. So this is not a statement about him. I actually feel like this is not fair to him. I don't know how he could ever deliver all that people expect of him. I trust he will do a great job.

However President Obama has no affect on who I am. James 4:1 asks us "What is the source of the wars and the fights amoung you? Don't they come from the cravings that are at war within you?"...then goes on to say in verse 7 "therefore submit to God but resist the Devil and he will flee from you. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you."

So who I am should not be based upon who others are. I am influenced by others just like everybody. I sometimes joke to harshly because I know people think it's funny....I am human and I am sinful. I don't always want people to know I am weak. I say I am okay when I am not. I make things sound harder than they really are just to make myself look stronger than I really am. I realize that I need to do better not because someone else is better...not because they make me want to BE better. I realize no person who has that control over me. Even if I could whip it for a while I would go back. Even if I volunteered 5 hours to community service....this doens't make me better....But there is one who can.

I want to be a good American, a good citizen, a good neighbor, a dependable friend, a good employee and a good caretaker of this earth These are not based upon wither I like my neighbor, or a like my President but because God calls me to it. My hope is in Him....not in my country. I am a citizen of another city....who's builder is God. I am greatful for this great country. I pray that she will be used by God to do good things for the world...to bring hope to hurting people....mostly I want this to be true of His church. May we draw near to God. Trust Him for our future. Give to Him our present and repent of our past. I thank God for a country that can learn from it's mistakes. That we could elect and move an Africian American Presidental family into a house that was built by slaves. I am grateful we can change and learn to do better as a country. It reminds me that God could do that within me to....renew me...make me different than I was...I need that hope.

This is true hope. Not just temprorary hope that fades in 100 days....hope that is simply hype. This is hope that changes everything..everywhere....for all time.

My Un Christmas Letter

2009-01-06T09:43:00.002-06:00

I really love Christmas Cards...I love the photos. I am a photo person. I actually keep Christmas photos up all year on a bulletin board in our kitchen. I like to look at them. Most of the people I don't get to see except on really special occasion yet many of them are very special to me. Some of these are childhood friends, college friends, friends from Brian's childhood that I only know because of him and their annual card, family members, friends from previous ministries and a few here in Lincoln. I love the letters that come with the pictures too. Yet it seems sometimes my jealousy gets stirred up as I read them. Am I the only one this happens too? We get a glimpse into someones life..it seems "picture perfect." I have a friend whose husband took control of their Christmas Letter because he wanted it to not be so perfect...not just the victories but the honest struggles too. Their letter I always look forward to. Now I have no judgment on these cards because if I were to write one I would do the same thing...I do it all the time on this blog. So this is not about the letters this is about what goes on inside of me. I admit that I want a Christmas Card life...you know the one I am talking about...everyone is smiling, we are on a beach, a mountain, or maybe the snow is all around us and all we hope for our new year is to lose weight. The one where our kids are happy to be in our family, everyone is dressed cute, we all match, everyone loves each other. Yet this is not always the way my family is....as a matter of fact last year (Christmas 07) we couldn't even pull it together long long enough to snap the picture by the tree. Does this happen to anyone else?

So this morning while the towels were drying and the bacon was cooking in the oven and I had a quiet moment to journal some thoughts I remembered how thankful I am for my unChristmas Card life. I am thankful for my friends and family who accept my unperfect kids. They are often selfish, they judge others, they have lied, they have stolen, they have been too harsh, they have been a bully, they have been mean, they have causes pain instead of brought peace. They have repeated things they shouldn't have. They do not always use their manners. They have not learned the important lesson's of High School Musical (I II or III). You know that we're all in this together so stop looking out for just you! I realize that sometime in the future my kids may be the ones to tell your kids that their is no such thing as Santa or about what "sex" really is. Maybe they already have? They may drink beer, drive to fast, look at porn on your computer, or many other things I don't want to think about or type. My kids aren't perfect even though I would really love it if they were. I used to struggle a lot with this and feel like their flaws were some type of reflection on me. This is true to a strong degree but mostly they aren't perfect because they are sinful humans. God is at work in them but this is mostly between them not me. After all He is really the One who made them. I have had to learn to trust God with them and stop trying to control every little thing in their life.....

Back to my gratitude. So I am thankful for friends who will accept my children as they are. I am thankful for all the ones a long the way that have reminded me of where to let go and where to stand my ground. These conversations have happened in the hallways of church, on the phone, around a table, at Starbucks, on walks, in books I have read, in prayers together, .....So today I am thankful for the people in my life who know my life is no greeting card (and I know yours isn't either) but a life where God is at work redeeming all the broken parts. He is moving those of us who cherish Him through our journey's with mercy and grace. Thank God for the reminder that He gives us through our children of how deep and wide that mercy and grace can run. Thank God that we can understand that He wants more Good for us than we could ever want for ourselves because we fill this way about our own children. God knows us not the snapshot of a great moment but all the small insignificant moments and even the really ugly ones...He accepts us anyway. Help us God to be that way with each other.....more grace in Jesus name.

Confident in This

2008-12-18T08:28:00.007-06:00

As we arrive here at Christmas time I have so many emotions. I am happy because it is the "most wonderful time of year"....I would argue that Easter should be looked at this but Christmas is also great for me because my husband was born in December. We also got married in December. My husband also gets time off during December which also makes me extremely happy. Being with him is my favorite thing. I also love my extended family. Time with them makes me happy. I have gotten to spend lots of time being an Aunt this month. Really fun...they are always eager to tell me cute things and share there affection with me.I am excited we are taking a ski trip for the first time as a family. This too is bitter sweet because Regan's limitations also limited us. We are celebrating her limitless life with Christ by doing things this year that are active....On a similar note a friend of my dad's had me flown on his private plan to my Granny's funeral...an awesome way to celebrate this as well....Yet, I am sad. I still can't believe Regan is dead. My brain still forgets this fact all too often. Still 9 months later I think of what she needs, I can spend several minutes considering her, loving her in my mind and then think...oh yea she is dead....really? Did that happen? Her stocking was hung with care and lots of tears, her ornaments where loving placed on the tree for her, of course this has always been the case but we wish she was here to smile at them. She loved the Christmas tree. It has actually been a way to remember our life with her...so many memories on our homemade tree. It makes me love it even more.
However the greatest feeling I feel this Christmas is confident. I am confident that God's good. Regan's death has actually confirmed this in a deeper way. It has also confirmed that God is merciful beyond my comprehension. I also have a deepened confidence that this hope we have in Christ's resurrection is more powerful than any hope...it is our only hope. It gives me confidence that He will come again and finish what His first coming started. This hope keeps me from being overwhelmed my my grief. This hope is not a fairytale..like Santa....or Polar Express.....or It's a Wonderful Life....IT IS TRUE! To be honest silver bells, decking the halls with holly, believing in myself, or love just don't cut it. I need something more solid. I am clinging to this truth will the energy I have. This is exhausting...I wish the church talked about it more and wasn't so afraid it would be weird....because it is weird...maybe we should embrace that too...we are weird. I AM WEIRD! I stand over my sweet baby's grave and believe she is coming up out of there....it's weird. But just because it seems strange doesn't mean it isn't true. Santa is weird....thinking that being nice to each other would fix this mess is weird. Maybe humanity needed something weird to wake them up...like God coming as a baby to save us...He brought the Goodwill of God by being with us, dying but most importantly conquering death! No one expected Jesus to resurrect...that would be too weird. But coming (the Emmanuel) and dying( the Savior) wouldn't have done it..He needed one more weird thing...Resurrection! (the Redeemer) This gives me confidence He is good, that His strength can help me, that His mercy is new each day, that His mercy keeps him waiting on the right moment for all this to be made right. He is trust worthy....I am confident of this. I trust that I will see His glory reign in ways I can got grasp but excite me...they give me hope.....and probably a awesomely weird.
They renew me for this difficult walk....We try to live with hope. We honor Regan with hope...He isn't done with us yet. Remember ....He said...He will return....be confident in this! Even if it makes me weird.
Come Lord Jesus, Come

My Sweet Granny

2008-12-10T09:25:00.003-06:00

On Monday my sweet Granny stepped from her earthy life into her restful life through eternity. I got the great joy of spending a seven days with her in Oklahoma before she died. It will be a treasured memory that I feel blessed to have experienced. I will fly back on Thursday for her funeral. She and I were roommates for about a year. I actually moved out of her home the day I married Brian. I remember when she and I were in the bathroom packing up my last few items and then I was headed to the church to get ready. She put her hands on her face and leaned on the bathroom counter. She said, "I don't know what I am going to do without you kid" as she cried. I feel the same way about her now. I have known her my whole life. She was a simple country wife and mother. She wasn't highly educated. She loved to watch her "stories" otherwise known as soap operas. She loved the watch the Braves play baseball. She wasn't a great cook but she could bake like no ones business. She usually ate Cheerios for breakfast. When my siblings and I were home sick and my mom and dad had to go to work we would stay with her. She would feed us macaroni. The homemade kind....yummm....but a weird thing to feed a kid who was sick. She wanted to give us comfort food....I am glad. The greatest legacy she leaves me is to keep my faith simple. I have a tendency to over think and make things harder than they have to be. She loved Jesus..she knew he saved her from her sin. She trusted him with her life. At it's base this is what faith is. My close friends give me a hard time because when I really laugh hard I clap my hands. My Granny did the same thing. I am glad that she taught me laugh hard and love deeply. I will miss her and look forward to when we will be reunited when we all see Jesus....what a day of rejoicing that will be!

My Thanksgiving Ramble

2008-11-25T07:20:00.003-06:00

It is funny how memory works. I was recently talking with a friend. She was describing how her young daughter had to be tested for the flu. She was sharing about how traumatizing the testing was because they had to stick a tube down her nose into her throat to get mucus to test for flu. I was agreeing with her about how bad that is because we had to do this to Regan multiple times a day. Regan hated it too.

I was sharing this story with Brian and we were talking to each other about how when we think about Regan we don't think about suction, breathing treatments, or sleepless nights....we mostly remember her. It has been a while since we really thought about suction. Since we thought about the sound it makes and the face it made her make. Our heart and soul remember her sweet smell, her fun faces, her laughter, her cooing, her peaceful presence, her hair, her reminder of hope.

I find myself very sad the past few weeks. I know that I am not as thankful this year as the last. I want Regan with us. I miss her so bad it hurts. I am really tired of feeling this way. I have always loved the line in the John Meyer song that says, "I can't wait to say, this is the way that I used to be." I know that this deep pain will not last for ever. There will be a Thanksgiving that I feel thankful again. BUT the only way to get to that place is to be present in the place you are....and honestly I feel sad because it is sad. Just like I had to chose to glad on the thanksgivings when we were hauling a van full medical supplies to Indiana or Kansas because I was so glad have Regan in my life. So I refused to complain then because I knew this thanksgiving would come. I knew that some day out in the future there would be a gap in my life because Regan would die. So I made that chose to be happy with her and to be sad later. Later has come. I never wanted her to know it was hard. I know she knew because I have never been good at hiding the way I feel.

This year I am thankful for Jesus in new ways. I've never liked prayers that thank him for what I have. It sounds so much like the prayer of the Pharisee who thanked God he was not a woman or a gentile. When we thank God for what we have often it is because we see others who have not and we are glad we are not them. Don't get me wrong we should always be thankful but I think it should be deeper than that. The truth is we could have nothing but Jesus and it would be enough. Sometimes we say Jesus is enough. But it is really Jesus plus ______________ (my family, my husband, my really great devotional Bible, my service, my guilt, my friends, my education, my extended family, my country, my president, my house, my cute decorations, my bonus check, the gifts I can buy....).....But this year I am trying to simply be thankful for Jesus. I am checking my heart to see if I mean it. Is He really all I need? I want to grow and let go of what holds me back from loving Him like I should. To simply be thankful because of Jesus. To be thankful because Jesus paid it all.

It's Just the Little Things

2008-11-06T11:08:00.006-06:00

When you loose something precious to you it seems that little things become increasingly important. You find out just how important the little things are. They seems to stand out more.Like being home. I like it here. I love the little things about it. It is nothing fancy but I love it. I have always wanted my home to be a place my husband and children love to come in to and are a little sad to leave. Mostly because I want it to be a haven for them. A place where they are encouraged, listened to and know that they belong. I want our home to be a place of peace. Lately I have been thinking about how much I love to come in my home and am sad when I have to leave it. We also got a new roof this summer. I didn't want to spend the money but I love that we literally have put a roof over our families head....a basic need that I sometimes take for granted. My parents recently came to visit us for a week. I Sometimes can forget just how great they are. They love me. They simply want to be with me. We don't even have to talk. They serve people in their life with love. I am one of those people. They make me want to be a better parent when I am with them. I love them. They come every year at this time. They don't have to but they choose to. What a gift.
This is my Regan plant. It is huge. This entire plant came from one little seed. I planted 12 seeds in a variety of colors. Only one bloomed and it was in the same spot as the one Regan gave me last year for Mothers day. It made me happy all summer. It is just a plant but it reminds me of her. It died over night one day last week. I went from looking like this to completely brown. Amazing. I love it because it's beauty is shocking and unexpectedly breath taking. Any color could have shot up here in this spot and I would have been happy...but God gave me pink..the same color Regan gave me. God takes my breath away.Lastly, I love my tomato plants. I took them out while my mom was here but early in the fall I made this yummy Tomato Basil Soup from scratch. I grew the tomatoes and the basil. We all loved it. It makes me happy when I can grow things and then find yummy ways to eat them. It makes me feel like Ma (Laura's mom...from "Little House on the Prairie") My mom just told someone when she was here visiting that it is still sometimes funny to her that I am domestic. I am glad I can still make her proud. Lastly, I love these too. I love the way they challenge me. Rylee easily tells me what she wants. "I want you to tuck me in!" Okay...I will! I wish I could just say what I want. She also told me one night before bedtime prayers that she doesn't like to cry about Regan being dead because Jesus wants us to be glad for what we DO have and not sad or wanting what we don't. Lesson learned Rylee, Thanks! Ryder recently wrote another poem...it is simple but true.

There once was a beautiful little bird. But the bird couldn't fly. There was a boy who loved the bird. He took care of her and protected her. There was something he could do nothing against. It was called Time, and it got away from him. He thought the sickly baby bird would someday fly. And she did, one night when Time caught up with them. And the baby bird flew for the first time. But it few away from the boy and even though he tried to hold on , he knew she couldn't stay.

These simple children remind me that my faith must be simple too. Sometimes I make complex. Christ longs for me to keep it simple. They remind me to ask my self simple questions about my journey with God. Their belief in God impacts the way they live....yet it is simple. I see it in the little things like poems and confessions before bedtime prayers. All these things stir my heart to love God more......

Imprints

2008-10-29T10:23:00.002-05:00

All three of my children are very different. Rylee is the type that leave things all over. On any given day you could find a pair of shoes, a pair of sunglasses, maybe a rubber ball that belong to her in multiple rooms throughout our home. Even though each night before she goes to bed I make her pick up all of her things and put them in her room and I do the same thing after I take her to school each day. Ryder is really into "his" music. He likes it loud and he likes all of us to participate in it. Sometimes when the windows shake I say, "really? Do we need it that loud?" Regan never left her stuff everywhere. She never left her music up too loud but what she did do was leave little nicks on my walls and door frames from her wheel chair. Our home is not new so our door frames and hallways are narrow. If you did not line it up just right you would hit the wall or nick the door frame. They look like these which happen to be on the door way in to Brian and my bedroom. Regan and I spent time in my bedroom almost everyday. Sometimes we folded laundry (which I am doing today) or sometimes on chilly days, like today, we would take naps together (which I hope to do later today) or sometimes she would hang out with me while I got ready (which I have done today).

But all our door frames have missing paint. It used to drive me crazy when we would hit the wall. It happened all the time. It happen in every room because she was in all of our rooms. She would play babies with Rylee in her room, listen to Ryder play trombone or watch him play video games. Sometimes she would hang out in Ryder's room on Monday nights with day and her and Rylee would watch the boys play GameCube while I was at Bible study.

Now her chair hardly ever leaves her room. Unless of course someone is staying in night with us and needs the trundle bed pulled out. So the reality is that there will be no more nicks on the walls just as there are no more memories to be made. No more costumes to sew or Christmas outfits to match or naps to be taken. Regan does not considered anymore. (Can I just say right her that WE LOVED taking her into consideration!) Though there have been no new nicks made in six long moths her imprint in our life is strong. Even when I paint over the chipped paint her imprint on us will remain.

Today I am glad that I have my memory. Today I am glad that we made so many wonderful ones with her. We lived life with her. Today I plan to shed lots of tears remembering them. I need days like this. Days when I am not rushing. When I can set in the floor of my hallway and remember the life that this hallway has seen. Today I am glad that these chips are here and actually glad that Ryder, Rylee and I were really bad aims....(Brian would want me to say in closing that he never hit the door frame or the wall: ) He is a man of habit and so unfortunately for the R, R and myself he doesn't make those kind of mistakes. Today I wishing that there was a little girl who happen to set in a wheel chair to roll through the hallway and maybe just maybe bump into the wall and leave her sweet imprint.

Ryder's Poem

2008-10-22T16:49:00.003-05:00

Hi! This is Ryder! I wrote this poem while I was mowing our lawn. It is about Life, Death, and Love. I dedicate this Poem to Regan Faith Mills, My sweet little angel, and my Ray called Day.

The Ray Called Day

There is a Ray,
it is called Day.
But in the Day,
I cannot stay.
For Blue skies will turn to Gray,
So in silent vigil I lay.
If you are weary,
Here you will stay.
Wrapped in my arms till May.
And when no more is Gray,
All will be Day.
Then, in the Ray
we will stay,
Forever in the light of Day.

Ryder D. Mills
October 22, 2008
Age: 12

Love in a Fish Bowl

2008-10-08T21:18:00.004-05:00

I know many people who go through crisis feel that their friends and family abandon them. They feel a since of isolation from community. It makes them bitter and often times their hearts are harden because of all the pain.

I however am not one of those people. Since the beginning of my life I have always had great friends. I often tell people about my friend Chris who was my best friend growing up. He was my friend no matter what. We knew each other as babies. People often thought we were cousins. We might have been closer than cousins. He was there the day I we laid our sweet Regan in the ground. We reflected that day on how life has gone very differently than we thought it might. I tell my kids about my friend Jodi who was the best friend a high school girl could have. She taught me about loyalty, deep devotion and honesty in friendship. I wasn't always that way to her but she always was to me. Even now I use her example to remind me of what a good friend is. Once she literally fraught another girl for me...I think she knew I would get my butt kicked. (We weren't Christians then but now we both are...I wish we lived closer so we could be closer and go to battle for each other in better ways!) When I was in college my friends Ginny and Michelle loved me when I know I was hard to love. I was trying to figure out how to love Jesus with my life. How to devote myself to Him, how to deal with the pain and hurt in my life. I would have been very alone if they had not been willing to stick in the fight with me. All these friends I praise God for all the time. Friends for my journey.
I thank God that he saw what I needed and that He was working in my life all along....teaching me things about friendship and community. What a life of inter-dependence really is.

I have always loved my friends. I have needed them to help me learn and grow. They have encouraged me so many times and regarding so many things I can't begin to express them all. I can't say enough...however my friend Hillary and her Texas crew of letter writers have blessed me beyond words. This picture of Hillary and I along with her Riley and my Rylee that was taken this summer when her family came to visit us. Such a wonderful time of fellowship...so much laughing and crying....conversation and even napping!

Anyway back to these letters. Hillary banded some women together from Dallas (who I befriended when we lived there) to write me a couple times a month. I usually get at least one each day. I keep all these letters in this fish bowl. The fish bowl sets right above my computer. I can easily take this bowl all over my house (which I do). My kids want to know what they say. These are not fancy cards. Most of them come on regular loose leaf paper or simple note cards. They share with me their lives. Hillary felt like it would bless me to know about what was going on with them since they know what is going on with me because of the blog.

I look forward to going to the mail box. This was especially good in the begining because some of our mail made me very said. We ogot hundreds of cards of condolences after Regan died. What a blessing to get them. I have those in Regan's room in a lovely brown box my friend Pat gave me. These cards mean a lot to me to but these letters are different. They serve a differnt purpose. They remind me that people still remember her. They remind me that people still cry and hold their own kids longer because of her. They remind me that friends don't need to talk every day or see each other every year to still be friends. We don't even need Facebook! These letters have reminded me the power of someones handwriting. These letters remind me that God's love is big. His love binds us together. It refreshes me because they say important things like "When I was praying for you this verse came to mind." or "I saw this flower the other day and thought of Regan." or sometimes even "I heard a song...." They usually update me on their familes. I know all these women and love them and their children. I love to hear what God is doing in their lives and about difficulties I can pray for in their lives as well. Sometimes all this with Regan makes me want to say...."Let's talk about you!" They do and I like it.

My girl friends here in Lincoln are the best....they bring me flowers on the 16th....they cry with me and sometimes even when I am not crying they cry....their children knew Regan well.....they lived life with us close up. They know her smell. They like to play with her hair barretts. They miss her with me. Their words keep me going. in a differnt way. I would could be easily bitter if they weren't here.

Regan's journey as been a lot like living in a fish bowl. People starred at her all the time. Usually because she was beautiful but some people are just rude. People watched to see what we would do...listen to how we lived with her....watched how we would respond to situations. Now that she is gone....the fish bowl is empty of the powerful life that was teaming in it. We are now a "normal" family. We go places and no one stares........So now I have this little fish bowl filled with WORDs from God's people telling me to press in, give myself time, telling me to cry, telling my they love me, reminding me that they remember, reminding me to trust God and to believe His Words.

Grace and Goodness

2008-10-02T12:56:00.007-05:00

Rylee turned 10 yesterday. This seems impossible. She is suppose to be four! She asked for one thing....Ruthie...Kit's best friend. So she got it! So fun....I am glad that she still likes playing dolls and babies so much. She was very excited to finally see her special doll as you can see by this photo.

We have a tradition in our family that you wake up on your birthday morning to "Happy Birthday" and get to open all your gifts in bed. Sometimes that seems like a dumb tradition...especially the first few minutes of this family time. But usually the smiles come quick. I noticed when I was reading all the birthday messages that people sent to Rylee that there was a theme. Almost everyone said they are thankful Rylee is grace filled and sweet. Rylee's heart is good. She looks the good in others. Jesus' heart was like that. I am proud of her. She is not perfect but she teaches me to consider life in someone else's shoes before I pass judgment or assume too much. To live a life of grace towards others.

She is a sweet girl. She is turning into a sweet young lady. Time seems so fleeting lately...There was a time in my life I didn't want any girls...I thought I would do best at raising boys. God saw things differently. I am glad He didn't see my ideas as prayers and He did what He thought was best. My girls have been some of by best teachers. I look forward to the future because of the hope Rylee reminds me of....goodness and grace.

Sad but Good

2008-09-25T12:40:00.004-05:00

Ryder and Rylee typically sleep in the same room when they sleep. It could be Ryder's room, usually Rylee's room and sometimes Regan's room. Since Regan died we took her bed and gave it to a friend of Regan's named Jeron. Now we have a new bed that has a trundle bed under it. This is easier for company....and for Ryder and Rylee to have another sleeping option. As if their own rooms are not enough! They would still love a fourth option to sleep with us BUT that is NOT an option....three is plenty.

So last night when I tucked them in. We had a going away party for Julie and her husband Vance. Julie was Regan's primary caregiver over the past few years. She is very close with our family. I hosted her wedding shower and baby shower so it is fitting that our home would be the place to say good-bye to her. So, Ryder prayed first and then it was Rylee's turn. She said, "Thank you Jesus for letting us have a party to say good-bye to Julie. It is very sad for us but a good-good-bye all at the same time." Julie is moving. Her husband got a new job. We have been praying for that. Julie wants to be a stay at home mom and now she gets to be. We have been praying for that too. However I guess I forgot to pray that all of this could be answered but still keep her close to us. So it is good. But this is another lose both for her and us. Julie loved Regan well. She was Regan's closest friend. She learned how to take care of her baby by loving our sweet Regan. Many mornings Julie and I cried together...trusted God together to help us do our jobs well...and take care of Regan. We were a good team!

I think good-bye's are usually like this. Good but sad all at the same time. Like when I leave my dad and mom's house, I am always sad but usually ready to go. They know this so this is not dis-respecting them. I am sure they are ready for us to leave too. We kinda take over. Their house was my home but now my home is with Brian and the kids. Life doesn't move backward very often. The life I had with my parents was good but now I am no longer childish and this life is the better life for me. (Even though when I go home I often revert to 11!) I am now what my parents raised me to be. I am more me. So this good bye is always sad but good.

Saying good-bye to Regan is sooooo good. She is so good. This place she is now is good for her. Her home is no longer with us but with God. She is now all she was meant to be. But it is so sad. So sad because we are not with her and she is not with us. We wish we could go back but life moves forward. Our hope when the saddness tries to over take us is that this is not our home...our home is with her ONLY because she is with God. We long for God because He is good. When we are home with him there will be no more good-byes....no more tears...no more confusion of the heart because things are sad but good....only Good.

I Miss This

2008-09-17T19:23:00.010-05:00

What I miss the most because of Regan's death is this..........living life with her. I really liked life with her.....come to think of it I think a lot of people did! Today I am really thankful that I got to be Regan's mom......

Our Agent of Reconciliation

2008-09-11T11:11:00.005-05:00

My mom is in banking. So reconciling your check book was something my mom taught me to do. To make sure that what your records show and the records of the bank match to the penny. So when I think of Jesus coming to reconcile us back to God I think about it in these terms. My account does not match who HE (God the Banker) says I am. You see I know how sinful I am. I know my thoughts, deeds and desires. I know that on my own I am completely bankrupt. I am completely in lack to make this account match up with the bankers records. I can not produce enough work to be who God desires me to be. I can not discipline myself enough to be who God desires me to be. YET....Christ died for me. He reconciled my lack. He paid in full what I could not muster up on my own. So now when the banker looks at me He sees Jesus...His work on the cross, His Holiness.....my account is reconciled. Oh the peace I receive from this truth.

The fun part of this is then I become an agent of reconciliation. Just like my mom helps people figure out their accounts and situations to help them reconcile their account at the bank. God uses us ...those who have been reconciled...to be apart of this work. When we put our hands, mind, or heart to something we are apart of HIS reconciliation of the world....He makes all things new! I am so thankful for this.....my account is reconciled! Thank you for the Cross! Thank you for Jesus our Agent of Reconciliation.

From Where I Stand

2008-09-02T09:33:00.008-05:00

When the kids were younger I bought a book called "The View From Our Shoes" it is a book about what it is like to have a sibling with special needs. The book is loaded with essays written by siblings from seven to twenty seven. It was a great book for me to read to think about what it is like to be Ryder and Rylee....living with a sister with unique needs.

A few months before Regan died I took a series of photos of her and I while I held her. I love this one. I loved her cute socks. Regan never wore shoes so we put a lot of energy into her socks. As I sat there that day I told Regan that I liked this view. The view of her feet and my feet together propped by her chair. Every afternoon she and I would have snuggle time....oh how I miss that. I loved to smell her hair. I loved the way she leaned into me to sleep. I told her that day that whenever she went to see Jesus I would miss our afternoons together. I wish I could go back and tell her how much I miss our mornings, evening and even late nights together.

This weekend we went to see her headstone that was just placed last week. It is hard to summarize a life on one stone. Impossible. It is small because she was. It is elegant because she carried herself with grace. As a matter of fact the back of the stone says, "She ran with grace. We were graced to run with her." As I sat in my lawn chair at the cemetery and listened to doves cry and watched butterflies zoom over head I thought I never really thought about what this view would be like. This new view from my shoes.

We posed around her just like we used to. Regan always seemed to finder her way to the middle. It seemed so strange to walk away. To leave her there in the ground...with out us...us with out her. I want her back. I want to live life with her. I want to push her chair not just dust it because it has set empty too long. I want to talk about her in the present tence. Life with her was better. Life without her is hard. It is a struggle. Do you remember when I told you that my sister in law said I should feel no persure to be "over it" if the ground was still broken.

Well my daddy went and laid sod and my family and friends water it three times a day...God had a hand in it too by bringing a few good rains. I think it reveals so much about a father's heart doesn't it. The heart that says, "I'll do anything to ease the pain, to heal the brokenness. I'll plant sod in August if you think it would help." My mom even picks the stickers from all around the front of the headstone. No extra pain when you set at Regan's place we are dealing with enough. I feel the same when I look at my kids. I want to help the healing process along. What a good mom and daddy I have. He even bought a water hose. It is the funniest sight. A water hose in a cemetery. I wish every stone had a bio with it. I want to know why this child died...why another family had two children die...I wonder how they got along afterward? I want to hang a bio on the water spicket and explain to visitors what this hose means to me. If you look to the back ground of the picture you can see Regan's stone. You can see that the grass is completely green. It looks like she has been there while. Guess what I found out...my heart is still broken even if the ground is broken up...I am sure this is no suprise to anyone. I think my daddy thinks that's okay.
This water hose has come to bring a deeper meaning. It is reminding me that new life will come from broken ground but only with the watering of the Word. It is going to take some care. It will have to be intentional. It will take effort, inconvienince, investment from community, love and grace but healing will come. It is my hope right now. It is the image my mind is clinging to. That over time I'll be like the green grass growing from red dirt in the middle of August.

Files

2008-08-14T09:06:00.004-05:00

Every mother has systems for their household. I few years a go heard a lady speak and also read her book on managing a household. I used some of her ideas and have twecked them to make them better for me. She suggested that you create files for each area of your life. So I did. Those files have changed through the years because life changed. I have a file for invitations, a file on my spiritual formation girls, a file for church, a file for decorating ideas, a file for the bible study I teach, I had a orthodotic file but we are done with that so it has become the file for my subsitute teacher information. Three constant files have been my kids. Each child has their own. Regan's file was not big enough so we started using an expandable file for medical needs. This worked great because we could grab it in a hurry and it had everyting we needed in it. Eventually her papers would move to her own file cabinett! These files for the kids work great for us. Any note, important paper, or form goes in this file. I use it for reference and so we can keep up with the constant stream of papers going back and forth. The kids know to put the information there that needs a place to belong until we need it. Yesterday we registered for school so I cleaned them out. I needed to make room for the semester ahead. So I removed things like summer camp information and notes from their teachers last year. I realized we had two bookette's left from last year, so yesterday we went to lunch at Pizza Hut! There is also information that we will need this year stuff like Cheer camp and music lesson info. This filing system sets on my desk so I see it multiple times a day. It sets right next to the computer. It is always just a reach away.

I know you can feel where this is going. Nothing new is going in Regan's folder. The last important papers I placed in there were her death certificates. If you have ever gone through helping someone die you know you need lots of these. We got eight. We still have three left. There is also a funeral home business card and two perscriptions that I never got to fill for her. I just left it all in there. I want her to still need a file. I want to put something new it. I want to fill out paper work for her. Yesterday we also got a refund from Kid Care (her secondary insurance for the state of IL) for May. We had already paid the premuim for May...she didn't need insurance for May. I want her to need insurance. I miss St John's. I had to take Rylee to the doctor last week for a sinus infection. I was actually looking forward to it (boy am I weird). I feel more normal when there are meds to give ..Bruce our phamaciest actually said, "we miss you!" when I went to get Rylee's meds. I miss the pharmacy! I miss her.

I saw a little boy yesterday at the Jr High that was Regan's age. His issues seem similar to her. He also shared a warm smile and eyes that sparkled when we saw the people who loved him. I watched him closely....I intorduced myself to him...he couldn't speak back but he smiled at me. I felt like it was Regan. It made me smile. I told him he was blessed to have is cousins and aunt there to love him well. He smiled at me again. I told him you make their life better. They all agreed. I walked away and thought about how glad I was for his family...he still needs a file.

2008-08-08T11:42:00.003-05:00

I think it was around the time that Regan was born or maybe right after she was diagnosed with seizures and we knew that life would be difficult for her that we first started calling the song by Steven Curtis Chapman "Finger Prints of God" Regan's song....not the first verse but the second one that says,

"Never has there been and never again will there be another you. Fashioned by God's hand and perfectly planned to be just who you are. And what He's been creating since the first beat of your heart is a living breathing priceless work of art. And just look at you You're a wondering in the making and God's not through, no in fact He's just getting stared and I can see the fingerprints of God. When I look at you I can see the fingerprints of God and I know it's true You're a masterpiece That all creation quietly applauds and you're covered with the fingerprints of God."

Somehow we knew right from the start that we would have to make the choice to SEE God's image in her. This is challenging because we usually want to see God's image in things like victory, strength and perfectness...Regan was God's creation, perfectly plan just as she was. Now this song was mostly the kids and I..Brian isn't big on sweet little songs. We heard this song almost everyday while we were on vacation. We thought it was pretty cool. I love this picture of her because I can see the light of Jesus in her eyes...a joy that is beyond anything I think I have ever known...I think Regan understood something deeper about life than I do. I think she as enlightened in a way....she saw things correctly..the way Jesus wants us to maybe.

Another one of SCC songs that has meant a lot to me when I started this grief process over six years is called "With Hope" Six years ago I was grieving the ideas and plans for Regan that died because she had a mitocondrial disorder. It was then that I grieved that she wouldn't have a full life or a long one for that matter. I grieved for her and for me that she would never know the experience falling in love and that I wouldn't get to watch her. I grieved that she would never know the feeling of running in her daddy's arms when he comes home from work and I wouldn't get to watch it. I grieved that she would never know sleeping over at her best friends house, going to Kindergarten, prom, driving, being Rylee's maid of honor at her wedding, having babies of her own...and I wouldn't get to watch her. So all this lose made me start to grieve her. Though I thought all this practice would help me for the deeper grief that would come somewhere in the future...the future that I am living in now....I don't know that anything can prepare you for this. But the song says this,

This is not at all how we thought iwas supposed to be. We had so many plans for you we had so many dreams. And now you've gone away and left us with the memories of your smile and nothing we can say and nothing we can do can take away the pain. The pain of losing you, but "We can cry with hope, We can say good bye with hope. Cause we know our goodbye is not the end, oh no. And we can grieve with hope, cause we believe with hope There's a place by God's grace. There's a place where we'll see your face again. We'll see your face again and never have I Known anything so hard to understand. And never have I questioned more the wisdom of God's plan. But through the cloud of tears I see the Father's smile and say well done. And I imagine you where you wanted most to be. Seeing all your dreams come true cause now you're home and now you're free and We have this hope as an anchor. Cause we believed that everything God promed us is true. We wait we hope. We hold on with hope. We let go with hope."

This song is getting lots of air time again because of Steve Curtis's daughter recent death....So sad for them...so tragic...I know they hope. I am glad God him that song so long ago to help us all along now.

2008-07-30T16:24:00.004-05:00

Ryder is having another birthday. He is getting another year older and as always several years smarter. He recently got his hair cut for the community theater musical production he is in this summer "Cheaper by the Dozen." It is the 1920's version not the Steve Martin version. He is doing a great job as the oldest son Frank. It is the best he has ever done. Some people think the hair cut makes him look younger...most however think it makes him look very grown up. A couple of days ago I took Ryder and his good friend Hannah out for "Steak N Shake" for their birthday's. We had a great time.
Ryder is a great boy. One of the things I love about him is his heart of "little guys." Here he is with his cousins but it seems most guys around the age of 4 or 5 think Ryder is pretty cool.

This morning he told me that he had been praying about a very hard situation that is out in his future. It is something he has no control over but doesn't want to happen. He has been resisting this change. Even though he knows it is a couple years away. He like most people doesn't like change. He told me today, "I going to get out of God's way. The "Kingdom" is bigger than me Mom." What a boy! What a little man!

All We Are

2008-07-22T08:21:00.006-05:00

Recently I have had the great privilege of traveling a couple of times to here my husband preach. I love this because he is my favorite preacher. With that usually comes some great opportunities to meet new people, catch up with old friends and worship through music with bodies of believers I don't know. This is good for me because I get easily distracted with people I know because I think about what God is doing in and through them in my life. When I am away from home my heart is usually fully open to all God is doing everywhere and through out all time.

During these travels I have been lead in worship by Matt Bayless. He is a great guy. There is a particular group of songs that he sings I love. They are new to me but I have grown to love them. They focus on God in creation...how the moon and stars sing of God's glory. How the cannon's speak of his greatness. I love to sing about God's creation because I think it is amazing how creative God is. Each flower is his idea...some bloom only for one day but each from His creative mind. I agree with Him...it is good. Like Rylee the Ocean makes me want to Jump!

There is another song that we have been singing that says this "All we are is yours, here for a moment to give you praise, all we are is yours" My soul agrees with this because it is deeply true. God is teaching me this right now. I told Matt that I was so glad to have this song because I needed a way to sing it. I feel it is God that he brought me this tune and these words to sing what HE has already been teaching me.

You see it is true that ALL WE ARE IS YOURS....We belong to God. We are his. Some don't know it yet because all people belong to Him. Anything else that I am falls inside the boundaries of first belonging to God. Henri Nouwen says "I belong to Abba Father and He belongs to Me" Sometimes I think I belong to my husband, children, parents, family, friends, church, community, to my grief, to my pain, to sadness....then I remember oh no "I belong to HIM!" This is what I am...I am HIS. These other things I give myself to are ways to give him praise. They are glimpses of belonging. Hopefully my children will understand belonging because they belonged to me. They will know what it means to be fully loved because I loved them that way. They will know what it looks like to be looked at as a blessing because my eyes sparkled when I looked at them. I know I feel this way because of my parents. I understand the unconditional love of God because I belong to Brian. Brian loves me the way I am right now. Not some old version of me, not some future version of me. ME! This helps me understand that God loves me and that God will never leave me. BUT it is still a glimpse of what God has for me in HIM. These relationships are only the beginning. When I give myself to them I am learning how to give myself to God....He is what it is all about.

That I could belong to God..to be chosen...this is not exclusion of others but inclusion, a grand invitation into his Kingdom. These truths keep me in check regarding Regan's death. She was never mine. Sometimes I tricked myself into thinking that. She has always belonged to him. Death when we are alive in Christ is a full revelation of what we have been living all along (I think I got this idea from Nouwen too). Regan's death is reminding me that I too belong to the Father. What a blessing. Blessing seems like the simple word to say for such a great gift. I am glad I get to practice belonging with Brian, Ryder, Rylee and Regan, what a wonderful way to give Him praise. Even if for a moment.

Mountians and Ocean

2008-07-08T12:45:00.007-05:00

I haven't posted lately because we have been on vacation. A couple of weeks after Regan died I said in a post that I wasn't sure where I next photo would be. I wondered where...wondered what it might be like. I thought maybe it would be on a mountain top or on a sandy beach...I never imagined that God heard that as a prayer. I wonder if maybe you made it one. Over the past two weeks we did both. We spend one week at a CIY in Durango CO..Brian spoke at it but we did some fun things in the afternoon and evening when he was done. We also had a family give us a week in the Condo in Florida. So, here it is....

Horse back riding near Durango Co. Regan never rode a horse...But we love them. Our ride was peaceful. She loved peaceful times. Joe our tour guide said to me when we were leaving when the kids were already in the car..." You have great children maim...I see a lot of kids on this job and yours are some of the best." I agreed. He then said, "They listen and follow instructions well without being afraid." I said, thank you..I think this is part of Regan's legacy in them.We visited Mesa Verde National Park....we think it is beautiful there...we remembered that God is doing a work among all people through out all time.We know that there is something greater than Disney Magic and look forward to the day when He swings wide the heavenly gates and prepare a way for the risen Lord and not a Mouse...we hope Regan gets to dance upon injustice down the streets of heaven.

We had this beach all to ourselves. I think I felt closes to Regan this day. We feel so separated from her...like we are oceans apart. Ryder said that he thinks God made oceans and mountains to remind us (humans) that we are really small...and he is really big.

These two weeks were made possible by loving people CIY, the Rutledges, my friends who took care of my house and garden and fish, and Regan. We have never gone on a big vacation. It is always simple. LCC takes our small life insurance policies on all their employee and their children. We had our own life insurance policy on Regan. So we used this other small policy for this vacation. So in a weird way....this is her gift to us. Regan mostly loved us...not places or other people. Every day when I would watch Ryder and Rylee laugh I thought Regan would love that. She would love to make them laugh..and have happy memories. Memories that were without her but make possible by her. I hope God told her about it. It is hard making memories even happy ones with out here there. We were jealous of all the families we saw at the theme parks with special children in their family. I am normally not a jealous person. I like my husband, my kids, my life...I don't want any one else's....but I wish I was pushing Regan around Sea World...taking her out of her chair so she could see. Pushing her under the misters to cool down. Waiting on the side with Regan while Brian and the kids did roller coasters. I never felt left out just honored to journey with her along the edge. I wish I was seating with her at the ocean...letting waves crash in over her legs. No Disney magic can make this come true....we just miss her. We toasted to her one evening..."To a girl who taught us to see our glasses as half full."

Happy Birth Day

2008-06-24T08:10:00.002-05:00

Saturday was Regan's Birthday.....It is really still difficult to call it a Happy day. Rylee and I driving the day before and she said, "I just want Saturday to be Happy like it was when Regan was alive." I told her that I understood that but that it is hard to be happy because Regan is with Jesus now and not with us. She said she knew but she just didn't want to be sad. I told her I would work on it....maybe we could just be happy because Regan was born....I often call or write people on their birthday to tell them just that "Glad you were born!"

People sent flowers, cards, friends brought art supplies for St John's, Brian's family gave us a hope chest, my family visited her grave and put flowers there, so gave us gifts, we had a party...we watched home video, cried and kids played. One of my neighbors thought it was Rylee's birthday...He seemed surprised when I told him it was Regan's. Brian and I cried a lot. We miss her. We are disappointed that we have to talk about her in the past tense. Regan has received her reward....we are still waiting...It is painful to wait. I am thankful God's hope does not disappoint.

I am so glad that Regan Faith Mills was born. She was born on the first day of Summer. Summer is the season of Life.....even in her death she is teaching us how to live! She impacts me everyday. I am different because of her. She was used by God to make me more like him. I have been thinking about the love and devotion of our God to look on us with mercy through giving us Regan Faith. This was His will...not what I would have asked for but exactly what I wanted. I just didn't know because I am so limited. God used her life and testimony to inspire me to be more like Jesus by relying less on my own strength and to lean into Him for it. He used Regan to teach me pace. I am a doer and a goer.....the pace of life I used to lead was unholy...She slowed me down. This created space for me to be more aware of God's presence than I used to be. I am gentler....I am more passionate about God and His kingdom. He used her to teach me to stand firm in God's truth. To trust Him all the way.....To know He is Faithful.

The words to a great song say:
"He leadeth me O blessed thought! O words with heavenly comfort thought! What ere I do where er I be Still tils God's hand that leadeth me. And when my task on earth is done when by the grace of victory won. In death's cold wave I will not flee, Since God through Jordan leadeth me. He leadth me He leadeth me, by his own hand he leadeth me. His faithful follower I would be for by His hand he leadeth me.

A few pics

2008-06-17T22:00:00.007-05:00

I thought I would update with a few pics....First big thing is Rylee got her expander out and her braces off....She looks so old.

Here are the kids with their dad before church on father's day....at Starbucks....So cool..So glad they are mine.
Brian also got his sushi for Father's Day. Happy Dad....happy family.

Rylee with Kohen...Julie's baby....A baby sitter in the making...He seems to like her. He must now she loves Regan too!

Eavesdropping

2008-06-12T07:39:00.005-05:00

The greatest gift I ever received outside of the Grace of God, that I live and breathe in each day, is my husband. The greatest gift he ever gave me is to let me be a stay at home mom. In the last eight weeks (we think we are a lot like a newly dating couple...honoring each week like it is a silver anniversary..I don't know that Wednesdays will ever be the same.) ...anyway In the last eight weeks I have never been so great full for this gift of mothering Regan Faith Mills. The first few days after she died I just kept saying "Thank you" to Brian for giving me this gift of being a "domestic engineer." I know he thinks he missed so much each day while he was at work but while he sacrificed and worked I got the joy of taking care of all three of my children but in the last few years it has just me Me and Regs. I had help but I was still the one primarily with her each day. I have very few regrets thus far in raising my children. One thing that helps is that I have been with them...I have been the gate keeper....all of this made possible by our supporting sponsor B. Mills.

Now I have to clarify because I am NOT trying to say that women who work are wrong. I think in some cases Mom's who work make better mom's because work increases their capacity to mother. Some of my dearest and closest friends work outside the home.....some part time, some full time...Their children are great. They are great mother's and their husbands work just as hard as mine. I know when this is a hot button issue. I am not a person who thinks that because I do it this way all people should. I think the grace of God is huge. I think his path for us on the narrow way makes room for holy diversity...

Now back to my heart of gratitude. Each day when Brian would leave for work he would go in and spend a few minutes with Regan by himself. He would kiss her on her head and talk to her....I don't know what he said because he was by himself. I know he kissed her because I could hear it on the baby monitor. I know he talked to her because that too I could hear it on the baby monitor. Then he would come to the kitchen and kiss me good-bye and I would say "Go change the World...I'll stay here and change diapers!" This sounds like I felt like I am bitter about staying home bu I am not...changing my kids diapers is changing the world in my opinion. As he would call me throughout the day to check on Regan he often said how leaving her was very hard on his heart. He wanted to be with her. This was the reality of our life.

I know that walking out the door each day is still one of the hardest moments of Brian's day. He has no one to go kiss on the head and talk to before work. I miss eavesdropping on the whole event. I have yet been able to say "Go change the world....because I'm not changing diapers anymore.....I guess the one thing that is the same is that his heart is missing her....just NOW more than ever. This is the new reality of our life.

Most people don't know this but Sunday's were Brian and Regan's day. Before we moved to Lincoln getting the kids ready and to church was always my responsibility. Since he worked for the church he got their early. So I like lots of mom's around the world...got my kids up and to church by myself. Brian didn't even know where their Sunday School classes were. However our move to Lincoln changed all that. We were able to get ready together, drive in the same care together, set together in Sunday School and church each week. Brian asked if He could have the responsibility of Regan during church. It was his gift of me. He sat by her and if she needed a diaper change or had a seizure or if she was crying he would take care of it. If she couldn't go to church he would stay home with her so I could go. He even got her dressed and ready for church. I loved to listen to him do that on the baby monitors too! The sounds of the two of them interacting with each other was music to my ears. She had strong vocal reactions to her daddy. He was great at giving her "rub downs" with baby lotion. She always looked great but she especially looked great on Sundays...all this made possible by the loving support of B.Mill..Regan's daddy. Now he doesn't get to take care of her during church. This is a painful just like walking out the door with out her but it is the new reality of our life.

Father's Day is this weekend. We will celebrate by eating Sushi with Brian. I am so thankful to God that he saw fit to give me Brian Mills as a husband and to be the father of my kids. Brian is faithful. He is a faithful husband, dad, friend, employee, and man of God. He a model of integrity. Their has never been one moment I have been ashamed of something he has done. I am so glad I get to eavesdrop on his fathering.....even if we don't need baby monitors anymore. He spurs me to be a better mom by being all Christ wants me to be...to live up to the calling of Christ...to use my gifts and passions for God. This has been and always will be the reality of my life.

Better Place

2008-06-04T18:18:00.005-05:00

Sometimes I just have things I need to say. These things can come from all kinds of reasons but I just feel better when I say them.

1) I realized today while I was at my friend Laura's that her house was the last outing that Regan had besides riding the the ambulance and going into the hospital. Today I got to set in Laura's living room. I hadn't remembered that until today. Rylee actually remembered it. We also remembered Regan's diaper leaked pee on Laura's floor. Very funny memory....maybe not for Laura's floor. So we missed her today. I know Laura's dog misses her....she always loved to jump up on the coffee table and put her front paws on Regan's lap and smell Regan. I liked Regan's smell too.

2) Yesterday I found some of Regan's old school work. Ryder and Rylee and I were organizing their work and of course we ran into some of Regan's. I look forward to hanging some of it up in her room. There are only a few of these because most of them Julie did for Regan. However some painting projects Reg's could do. I remembered how Regan would come home with blue or green hands and I would get freaked out for a few seconds because I thought something happened to her hand. This art reminds me that Regan used to be alive. Now she isn't. I liked it better when she was.

3) Yesterday we had the tornado siren go off in the the late morning. We went into the bath tub. I crabbed Regan's mattress. We have done this lots of times with Regan. One night I even let her sleep in the tub. Of course there was no water in and she was very comfy there. The three of us sat int that bathroom and remembered all the funny things that had happened with Regan during tornado warnings. It was crazy but I like tornado safety better with our sweet Reg's in the tub with Ryder and Rylee.

4) Today I turned Regan's calender in her room to June. I hadn't done it yet. That is the second time I have done it with out saying "Regan it's a new month, can you believe it!" I was on the phone with my friend Tesha at the time and I said, "Tesha can you believe I have had to turn this twice with her gone." I love Tesha but I liked it better the other way.

5) Sunday at church we sat by a lovely new couple that have been visiting our church. Brian and I spoke with them for a few minutes after. They told us about themselves....you know where they work, that they are expected a sweet little baby in December, where they live...things like that. Then they said, "Do you have children?" Brian looked at me and patted me on my back. He then said, "Yes we have two; a boy who is 11 and a girl who is 9." I liked it better when there were three.

People keep saying "Regan's in a better place." Yes she is. I honestly praise God for that every day. It is a great source of joy in my life. As I watched her struggle throughout her life that better place she is in now kept me from losing my mind. I knew she wouldn't struggle forever...I just never knew how much you could miss one person. So I am not in a better place yet...we liked our place better with her.

How are YOU?

2008-05-29T12:55:00.006-05:00

"How are you?" This is a questioned asked all over the place by lots of different people. I remember when Regan was alive people used to ask me "How's Regan?" I found it difficult to answer that question too. You know that what people really want to hear is "Fine!...just fine! Most people want to hear this because when we ask this question we really don't want to know because when we do we feel pain. Our culture avoids pain but we constantly want to feel guilty. Guilt is the emotion of our culture. So, people don't want to know how you are because they are going to feel guilt that they did not lose a child or that their children are not born with a disability. Guilty that their life is easier. I know because sometimes I feel guilty that I have a great husband, or a loving family, or great kids.....or that I live in America...that I know Jesus and other people don't. So you would think I would have experience at answering this question. I still don't know what to day...I feel like my response will fall short.

So back to my original thought. "How are you?" I usually say, "I am sad" or "I am doing" because I think most people think I set around and cry all day. This is not that case. Yet while I am "doing" I am always sad. I don't mind the sadness because right now it is a link to Regan. I am fine....but that is because God is good. Strangely enough one of Regan's great lesson's to me when she was living was that I am fine even when I am sad. I spend many sad days during her life on earth. It was hard to watch her struggle to breathe....to be awake....to live. She had some good days but she had a lot of really hard days to. A lot harder than I have ever known. Yet strangely when you looked in her eyes...she was fine. She knew the goodness of the Lord in a way I am only starting to understand. I goodness that is not about my situation but about my soul.

I don't set around and cry too much. Usually the tears hit while I am going. Like at Walmart when I don't get to buy diapers any more. Or when I pass by Memorial Home Care and I don't need any medical supplies...or when I run to the grocery and I don't need a handicap parking space anymore....or when Rylee and I are shopping for summer cloths and we aren't getting matching outfits for them for the first time...or when we sit and she isn't at the table when we pray and eat. I am fine...but I am sad....God is good so I am too but I am sad and that is good. I loved my little girl. I miss her terrible (Have I mentioned that?)
Rylee is with her teacher at her awards assembly this week. She received a "Citizenship" award, an award for being in the school paper, and also the "Homework" award for having all her homework in each day. This was no easy task since they both missed three weeks of school. Rylee is a very loving little lady. She feels God's compassion towards hurting people. She wants to help them because Jesus would do that. I love her and she reminds me God is good.
Ryder here with one of his best friends Hannah. They both were in the top 15 students in the 6th grade for their school. He also received student of the month for May and and a "service" award in his homeroom class. I am proud of him for his witness. Ryder loves Jesus and the people around him know it and experience it. Ryder knows God is good. This picture was taken on Memorial Day...isn't it beautiful. So many pretty flowers. My family is doing a great job caring for her little plot of ground. Still so fresh. My sister in law Tiffany said, "You should get to cry all you want if the ground is still broken from Regan's burial you can be too!" It is one of the best things anyone has ever said to me. I also love all the little people that go visit her regularly. You can see their little feet and bodies in this picture. It somehow seems right. This all helps me see God's goodness.

Remembering

2008-05-23T08:46:00.003-05:00

A couple of days ago..Rylee was putting her shoes on for school. She was setting on the kitchen floor. Ryder was in the front living room reading. Brian was gone to work already. I was finishing up making lunches. She looked up at me and said, "Do you ever hear Regan?" I replied with a resounding "Of course!" "I think I hear her all the time and that is normal." She said, "Good because I thought maybe I might be going crazy." I continued to explain that when she was a baby I use to think I heard her cry but I would check on her and she was sleeping away. Your brains hold lots of information..they contain lots of memories. Our brains are powerful they remember even when we aren't thinking about it.

That night Ryder came out of his room about 9:45pm with big tears in his eyes. He said, "Mama I think I am forgetting how she smelled....I keep thinking about it but can't figure it out." I instructed him to go into Regan's room and open the closet and put his head in her cloths. I do it several times a day so I know it works. I told him not to do it for very long and to make sure to close it when he was done because we want to retain it for as long as we can. It is the only place that still smells like her. A few moments later he came back with a big smile on his face and said, "Your right and now I remember....good-night."

Brian said recently that in his remembering he had forgotten how hard many parts of Regan's life was. How for several years she didn't feel well. The last year was pretty easy for all of us compared to other years. He said remembering how hard it was helps him be glad for her now.

Yesterday I heard about the Steven Curtis Chapman family and how their little five year old girl died. I meet another lady last night in my community who just a few months ago lost her 17 year old daughter. I cried both times. I remembered the stinging pain of the realization that the person you love so much is gone from your life. Instantly I remember this pain. The pain of knowing you get no more opportunites to make new memories. You don't want to make new ones with her not in it. You get no more opportunities to say how much you love them. No new..... only remembering. Honestly the reality of heaven does not ease this pain.

I have so many good memories. I love to be with people who had memories of her. Yesterday Kate (7 yrs old) thought the sky looked like the day Regan died. She remembers that day. She and I agree that day still feels unreal. Our friend Noah (5yr) calls the funeral the "F word" and asks his family to call it that too... because he remembering the funeral makes him sad. He has no reference for the other f word......He does however say "cheers" for Regan's new life. He remembers where she is and doesn't want to remember the f-word. We have one picture of Regan after she died before the funeral home came to take her...it is of Ryder holding Regan...he says it is his favorite....He remembers the night she died. He wrote this about that night. "...surreal, it is horrible, it is quite honestly:hell. That one syllable can describe the tears, the pain and that empty place that can never be filled." He remembers that moment. God was so near...the pain was so deep.

God tells us who Know Him to remember. "Remember this fix it in mind, take it to heart, you rebels. Remember the former things, those of long ago; I am God and there is no other; I am God and there is none like me." (Isaiah 46:8-9) I remember in Job how his friends wanted Job to blame God and not remember. Job had his moments too yet he kept his integrity before God. I want to be this way...so I will remember what Jesus said, "You are blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule. You are blessed when you feel you have lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you." (Matthew 5 Message). Part of me died the moment Regan died. So I know now I am less.....I am open to more of him....ready for a deeper embrace. I remember that though I am often a rebel that there is No other like Him...He is God and I am not.

Mother's Day Muses

2008-05-13T08:30:00.006-05:00

It's the first Mother's Day for me that I have no pictures of me with the ones who make me a mother. We just couldn't do it. One of my favorite pictures of myself is on the Mother's Day right before she was born (her birthday is a month away). I was huge but I loved being pregnant. I thought about it a couple of times. That we should take a picture. I took the camera with me to church, then to Panera to eat, into Lowe's, over to the Irwin's while we had supper....but I didn't have the courage to do it. I simply don't want to take a picture with just the four of us. It feels to sad. Way to empty. Regan's presence was always strong in family photos.

Family pictures have always been somewhat weird. We can't do cute little poses where everyone sits on the grass. We are always posed around a sweet little curly headed girl who sat in a a wheel chair. At first we tried to disguise it by putting a black blanket on the back. Sometimes we even took her out but the last four years or so we just wanted it like it is....Regan in her chair...it was Regan too is some strange way. Now it sets empty in her room. It really is great that she doesn't need it any more. It is powerful to think of. It is our hope. That one day we will have no limits to our expression of worship. No sin to hold up back, to physical pain to be concerned about, no bills worry about, no relationships that are too hard. Right now that empty chair is also our pain because we want her and she isn't in it.

We took a last family photo in the hospital. I couldn't even smile. I knew. We all knew. Shannon knew when we took it. Tears rolled down her checks while she took it. She wasn't in her chair. Her chair wasn't there. We left it at home because she and I rode in an ambulance. I was glad we didn't have to push it out of the hospital. OR even worse drive home with it empty in our van. It was one of God's tender mercies to us. It was waiting us on when we got home.
We have taken one picture without her. Her body was with us but she was gone. My sister Jennifer took this picture. Tears streaming down her sweet face too. She knew in a second we were going to close that "bed box" as I came to call it...and never lay our eyes on her sweet body again. Regan looks a lot like my sister. I love that. We loved that body. We loved on it it so much that before the viewing in Oklahoma they had to put more make up on her hands and face because we had rubbed it off with our strokes and kisses. I think Ryder more than anybody. Mother's Day will always be hard. I have cried every Mother's Day for years in anticipation of this one...the one without Regan. I didn't cry too much. I am really glad I have Ryder and Rylee. They bought me a really funny card. They are funny. Mostly Rylee is funny. I think she picked the card out. She also drew me a great card. I am glad that the four of us have each other to be in our next family photo with. I don't know when or where the photo might be. I can tell you this. It won't be around a hospital bed, or a bed box, or a wheel chair. Maybe we will pose on the grass...or on the beach...or on a mountain top. Places that we couldn't go with Regan but now in the garden place where Regan is she can experience.

Rear View Mirror

2008-05-06T09:18:00.005-05:00

Today I had to adjust my rear view mirror. I was driving home from taking Rylee to school and I looked in the mirror only to see the ceiling of the van. Thursday we got the lift taken out of the van. Our van has always had Regan's lift in it. Regan doesn't need it anymore. We are glad for that. But the empty space in the van felt like our hearts...so we decided to get it taken out. Now it is just an ordinary van. It feels like a new van. No rattle, my view out the drivers side is clear, it now seats seven instead of five. I never used the rear view mirror to see out the back. I always used the rear view mirror to see Regan. She loved to ride in the van...I loved to watch her ride. Today after I dropped Rylee of I automatically looked to see her. She is not there. I wonder when will I stop expecting her to be there.

We keep saying the hardest part of life now is that all of you wants to go back but life keeps making you go forward. Rylee says she wants to go back to her mornings with Regan. Brian wants to kiss her before work like he did every day. Ryder just misses her company while he reads. I miss her all day...yesterday I mowed the lawn by myself. Normally she watches me from the front porch or the back deck. It made me cry. I loved life with Regan. I miss talking things through with her. I miss reading her your blog comments. That is the life I want. I know it is good for her now but our hearts are sad because when we ride in our van she is not there.

When Regan was alive our family talked a lot about "the Forward life" it was one of our battle cries. It was the truth that a life in Christ is anchored forward. It is not a life anchored in the past. Many people anchor their lives in past hurt, pain, lose, experience, victory, happiness...but God has called His people to anchor our lives forward. This forward life finds stability not in he present or in the past but but in our future hope. That forward life brought us hope because we knew Regan would only suffer here on earth but that there would be an end to the pain. We knew that pain would be nothing compared to the future glory in Christ and that it would be like no time at all compared to eternity with Him. Now that forward life is our battle cry for our pain and suffering. That this pain that we will always feel because she is gone will one day be wiped away. We know this pain will be nothing compared to the future glory in Christ and that it will be like no time at all compared to eternity with Him. So we find stability in the future hope not in the past but this is work because in the past is where Regan is.

You see we know that one day we will see her again but the Regan we knew is not the Regan that IS now. What we knew of her is only a sliver of who she is now. That is great for her but we are still slivers ourselves and we really liked the sliver of who she was. A friend of ours drew a picture of Regan running to Jesus. We love it because with all our hearts we want to see her face. All we can see is this picture is her long curly hair bouncing and her strong legs running. But you see Regan isn't running to us. She isn't interested in us anymore because she knows Jesus. She sees his glory and the pain is nothing, the time on earth with us mean less because she is WITH CHRIST in the fullest sense of that phrase. This picture is painful to look at because we want to see her face..we want her to turn around and see the four of us standing here and run back, or wave, or blow us a kiss, or tell Jesus to let us come too. She however is memorized with Jesus. We are just a sliver. We know when we see Jesus we will feel the same way about her. We aren't frustrated with her about this fact. We just have to live with it but as little slivers of who we will be it is painful. In the words of our sweet Rylee last Sunday after church..."Heaven is not a family reunion!" She continued on to say, "When I die I want to see Jesus!"

So the pain we feel is that we want to move forward looking back in the rear view mirror. We really want to look in it all the time. Driving forward often feels empty because the life we desire is back there. But that is not safe for us or those driving around us. Most of all it isn't what faith in Christ looks like. We are called to remember but not with a longing to go back...we are called to remember because it encourages us to anchor forward knowing the future hope is better than what was back there...even if it was Regan

Quick Update

2008-04-30T07:42:00.002-05:00

We are back in Lincoln. Life seems to be at full speed. We are not. Yet it seems we have to keep up with a life that wants to move on but hearts that want to stay planted in the past. We have attending American Girl Fashion Shows, Hosted a Baby Shower, Went to church, gone out to eat, sat with a friend after surgery, be excited by the birth of Regan's friend Julie's baby, gone to track meets, gone to work, taught bible study and even more I am sure....this only in four days of being home.

So, we are moving on but life is so much different. It is quieter. We are quieter. I am quieter. I keep listening for her, thinking I hear her...Rylee said, "I just want to go back." Me too Rylee. Unfortunately in life we do not move backwards we move forward. This however makes this pain of loss even deeper. Many people have told us that they are happy they are that we will not have to take care of her..that we will have freedom. Funny thing is it feels like bondage not to take care of her. Raising Regan was one of the greatest blessings of my life. God set eternity in our hearts..so I would have done that forever.

I know many of you are praying for us. I have had many people ask or email me about the blog. Wondering if I would keep going. Yes, I will. I write on this thing because it frames my thoughts. I am sorry in advance for the thought I know I will have. I am trusting God for sufficient grace for myself and for you. Everyone who has lost a child says the most difficult days lie ahead.

Memorials and Memories

2008-04-22T13:41:00.005-05:00

We're grateful for so many who have shared this journey with us. And we're prayerful that we'll continue on the journey together.

We are accepting donations to Lincoln Christian College and Seminary for a scholarship in Regan's honor. If you would like to make a memorial gift please send a check made out to the school to: 100 Campus View Dr., Lincoln, IL 62656.

We feel a certain sense of loss, to be sure. But we are among the wealthiest of families because of what we gained from Regan's every day. Her passing leaves a hole in our lives. But we're seeing that the hole is filled by the graces from God that we already had deeply buried in our hearts: precious memories, powerful lessons, real transformation and good friends. We count you among our many blessings.

God really is close to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34.18). His Word brings us stability. His Spirit brings us comfort. And His Body brings us help. Please don't feel sorry for us.....jealousy may be more appropriate. We are abundantly blessed.

See what I mean in the following video. Some students made it for the funeral service. Thank you Sherif, Ryan and Jiryis. It is a gift we'll treasure for the rest of our lives. We want to share it w/ you...

-Brian

Some thoughts

2008-04-22T07:44:00.003-05:00

Because God gave us the advantage of knowing in advance that Regan would not live a long life on earth I have considered her death, funeral and burial many times. I pictured what it would be like to sit in the chapel and praise Jesus through my pain. I have done it there many times. Sometimes Regan was with me...sometimes not but I've known for years we would have her funeral there. I always prayed that all five of us would be together when Regan passed. I wanted us to have that memory of her. I wanted the four of us to have each other. We really love each other we we help each other in ways other people can't. Outside of giving birth to my children it was the most beautiful moment of my life. I wouldn't change even one things. The funeral was perfect too. She loved LCC. She loved to listen to her daddy preach in those walls....she loved to listen to many godly men speak truth. It is a room where God has ministered to us so many times. He did it again.

Yesterday we rode in a limousine behind Regan while she rode in the hearse (sp?). We drove out to the hill where Regan is laid. I am so happy she lays with red dirt around her. It is the same dirt I played in. The man who dug her grave is also one of my best childhood friends' dad. He was emotional with me. I knew her body was in good hands. Her casket looked say to small. The sun was so bright. In Regan's old life she would of had a tough time being there. But yesterday she was the one with no issues at all. We were surrounded by our family, people I grew up with and people that started Regan's journey with us in Dallas. What a full circle moment. God has been with us because He is always near the brokenhearted. No parent should ever have to do that.

Last night I sat out on my parents front porch and yard. Brian was out with his friend but so I spent some time with my family. My brothers made me laugh until I cried. The kids played in the sprinkler. Ryder with the help of two cousins made a memorial spot out by the fort. It is really great! Terran, my 4 year old niece said, "It's cuz we just miss her." Me too Terran me too.

We slept with the widows down in the house. Since early this morning I've been laying in bed listening to the birds sing. Wondering what type of birds she gets to hear in Paradise. The birds made me smile and cry. I heart breaks with the distance of time between now and when I will see Regan again. I am over whelmed with the brilliance of God's design that I would ever get to. I cling to this hope...cuz I just miss her.

Power of Presence.

2008-04-19T12:20:00.003-05:00

Regan never spoke. She really didn't make much noise at all. She sat...silent.

Our house if full of noise. People coming in. People dropping things off...lots of tears dropping.
Children playing tag. Dishwasher running. Washer and Dryer. Lots of showers this morning. Ryder playing his video game. Rylee dancing and playing with her cell phone (old phone of ours).

Yet it is so quiet. I feel lonely. My hear and hands need something to do. How is that someone who made such little noise leave such a deep silence. I think she keeps teaching me the power of presence. It was a greatest lesson to me. The power that "being" gives the world. I always want to say something. I want to Do something. Regan taught me that is okay to just BE.

I miss her.

Plans for Celebration and Mourning

2008-04-17T13:46:00.002-05:00

Between home visits, phone calls, texts, emails, tears, laughs and blank stares into tomorrow we have scheduled a few plans for this weekend.

Friday, 5-7pm, Visitation at Holland-Barry & Bennett Funeral Home in Lincoln

Saturday, 3:30pm, Funeral Service at the Hargrove Chapel, Lincoln Christian College & Seminary with dinner following at Lincoln Christian Church, Lincoln

We have a great Texas, Kansas and Oklahoma heritage. Since many of our closest family and friends may not be able to travel to Lincoln, IL, we have planned an opportunity for you to join us in Clinton, OK:

Monday, 2pm, Visitation at Kiesau-Lee Funeral Home in Clinton, OK followed by 3pm Graveside Service at the Clinton Cemetary and Reception at First Christian Church, Clinton.

Thank you for loving us...and for making sure that Regan will not be forgotten. We know that your hearts break with ours.

A New Journey

2008-04-17T03:22:00.004-05:00

This is Chantell.......

At 11:28pm Wednesday April 16th Regan Faith Mills' faith was made sight. While in bed with her Big brother Ryder and Big sister Rylee with Brian and I right at her side and feet surrounded by a crowd of nurses, doctors, her Nana and Papa along with Shannon and Rob Maupin. With no struggle or medication assistance Regan took her last breath and let go of her body and was made New.......

God answered many prayers in the moment. He gave us a year of bonus time with her none of which was spent in the hospital and very few doctors appointments. He made sure that all of us were there. It was peaceful. We got three hours afterwards to hold her over and over, give her a bath, hear God's Word read by Rob, confess loudly our pain and joyfully express what Regan left behind.

We are happy for her. We are full of sorrow for ourselves. We know God is going to give us the grace to get through this but it will be another miracle to experience. We are helpless on our own. A new journey that is unfamiliar is beginning. The Mills' are great at working hard but we are terrible at letting it go.

Thank you seems little but it is what we have. Please continue to pray. More later.....

Struggle and Peace

2008-04-16T09:43:00.004-05:00

Last night was pretty rough for Regan and for Chantell, so I'll do the update this morning...

When I arrived at the hospital this morning with the kids, Chantell explained that Regan can't talk with her words, but she has other ways to tell us how she feels. Her body communicates what her voice cannot. And she's telling us that she's very tired.

Last year we told her that we would run with her as long and fast as she wanted to run. Right now she seems to be saying that she's tired of running.

Last year she seemed to be fighting. Right now she seems to be at peace.

We never know what Regan is going to do. She's the Queen of Surprises and Rallies. Usually, she's just a mystery girl. But too often we don't listen very well to what she tells us. Our activity, emotion and selfish ambition get in the way. But if we're hearing her clearly today it seems like she's ready for Rest. I wonder if we are ready to let her rest. It's ironic that rest could be so near our tired family and be so unwelcome. But we'll try....another irony....we'll try to let her rest. And we'll struggle to be at peace.

We'll also try to keep you posted. We're a little sensitive to pulling you along a roller coaster ride. But, we're grateful for your care, support and prayer.

Terrible Tuesday

2008-04-15T17:10:00.002-05:00

Just a quick update to let everyone knows that Regan was admitted into St John's today. She has pneumonia in all four quads of her lungs. Brian and I have been trying to the best of our ability to get her better but Regan continued to get worse. Regan's Primary Care Doctor actually came to our house this morning to see her and we felt it might be better for her to be admitted.
So she and I rode by ambulance to Springfield. Regan seemed to enjoy the ride. We were greeted by Jen, Amy and Buffy who are some of our favorite women who work on the 5th floor here. We also have one of our very favorite nurses Claire who we actually spent a Thanksgiving with a few years ago. She also used to work in Radiology and was Rylee's buddy from there.
She got Regan's IV in on the first try....PRAISE GOD! I do not think that has ever happened.

Regan is doing better since we arrived. Her respiratory rate was 90 when we arrived and is already at 54. She likes this place. We are under the care of Dr Lower. We love her. She knows Regan well and is diligent in Regan's care.

Today I am reminded that God is the source of all things good......I keep thinking....
"Come thou fount of every blessing, tune my heart to sing your praise, streams of mercy never ceasing calls for songs of loudest praise."

I'll update more later.....probably on Wednesday.

Monday Morning Miracle

2008-04-14T09:36:00.004-05:00

After I updated on the progress yesterday Regan took a few steps back. So please continue to pray for her. We are continuing with breathing treatments every two hours 24 hours a day. Please pray specifically for her body to fight without having such a difficult time with the fever. We know fever works for us but this is a lot of work.

I am reminded today of the Lepers in Luke 17 who cried out with a LOUD voice..."Jesus, Master, have pity on us!" I cry out the same way. Last night sometime after midnight and before four as I struggled to rest while laying on Regan's bedroom floor (I am really too old to sleep on the floor) BUT as I laid there I was reminded of the importance of faith. My mind was going through the check list and I thought,"Am I doing all I can for her" and "I want to do more to help her...what can I do." I ended up at nothing. I am doing all I can. So that left me that that all too familiar place as I felt the Spirit remind me that now faith and prayer would be my nights work. In these moments I have no words....so I began to sing hymns...like Come thou Fount, Be thou my Vision, This is my Father's World, In Christ Alone, How Great is our God, It is Well... I pray these songs because they increase my faith, the remind me of truth, they are full of good theology. Eventually I find myself at peace...not total peace but I found some peace as I trust in HIS ability because I can not trust my own. I trust in HIS help because my help is full of holes. I found my self experiencing a what faith feels like and that is a miracle.

Garrett Maupin prayed last night that we would feel rested today even without a lot of sleep. He also told his mom, Shannon, how glad he was that Regan has lived so long because if she had not he would not have known her (he has only known her the past year and a half) and he said, "I am really glad I know her." Me too Garrett, today I am praising God for all that God teaches me because she is in my life. Thanks for your prayers.

Sunday's Update

2008-04-13T13:32:00.002-05:00

Regan seems much better today. Her fever is responding to motrin and her breathing seems less labored. She is coughing some. So we are trying to suction up what we can. The coughs aren't as productive as we would like. But all in all she is much better than Friday and some better than yesterday.

Please continue to pray for her. She doesn't like all the suction and neither to we.....Brian stayed home with her this morning while I took the big kids to church. Brian is preaching tonight so I will stay home with her while he goes. Rylee's friend Kate is over playing this afternoon. Ryder is playing at his buddy Garrett's house. My heart feels lighter as her breathing is easier. We continue breathing treatments every two hours....I'll let you know more on Monday. Thanks for always praying...always encouraging...always remembering....

Running a Race

2008-04-12T11:51:00.002-05:00

Just wanted to write a quick update. Regan is having breathing issues again. We are back to breathing treatments every two hours round the clock. This has only been going on a few days. She is currently on an antibiotic but is battling a difficult fever. It reached 104.8 last night and does not respond completely to treatment. Currently she is resting well and looks better than yesterday. It is amazing how good a fever of 101 looks next to 105.

Regan's life teaches me so many metaphors for life. I feel like God uses her to say..."Let me show you what I mean." When I watch her lay in bed "resting" but yet she is so "out of breath". Her chest is racing like she is running a race.I think about Paul writing about running in this race of life. I told Regan yesterday that I knew she was fighting so hard..that I was proud of her..I re-promised her that I would try my hardest too. Would you please pray for her. We have always promised her we would run with her as long as she wants to run. I know many of you have made that commitment too. We can not run this race on our own. The Spirit must continue to strength us or I know we will all run out of breathe. So pray for her strength...for each breathe to be full...I'll try to update on Sunday or Monday.

1 Corinthians 9 reminds us
"You've all been to the stadium and seen the athletes race. Everyone runs; one wins. Run to win. All good athletes train hard. They do it for a gold medal that tarnishes and fades. You're after one that's gold eternally. I don't know about you, but I'm running hard for the finish line. I'm giving it everything I've got. No sloppy living for me! I'm staying alert and in top condition. I'm not going to get caught napping, telling everyone else all about it and then missing out myself."

Me and My Cube

2008-04-08T23:53:00.005-05:00

On my desk is a picture cube. If you were born in the 70's or before you know what I am talking about. I think every home had one. You can slide those great 3X3 pictures in each of the six sides of the hollow cube. It is one of the things that I have from my childhood. It comforts me to have it close. One of the sides is busted off. It doesn't do much and it serves no practical purpose except for the check book register and old cell phone that have found a home there until I figure out what to do with them. Mostly it is just there to remind me....

There are pictures on each side. There is a picture of me and my paternal Grandma at my first birthday. A picture of me and my Aunt Kathy, another of me and my Aunt Jo with her boys, another great one of me and my cousin Darren, and one of me and my cousin with my Dad. I don't remember any of these pictures being taken. I doubt anyone else remembers either (except maybe my mom because mom's just remember things like that). I keep this cube here where I spend some part of very day...straight in my line of sight...so I can be reminded.

My favorite picture in the cube is one is of my mom and dad and me. I was no more than a month old. I know this because the time stamp on the white trim of the photo says Mar 73.
My mom is in a cool polyester suit with the a cute pixie cut. My daddy is holding me. He has a pen in his pocket. When I was little I remember he always had a pen in his shirt pocket. (Funny because Brian always has a pen in his pants pocket). My dad looks proud. My mom is smiling mostly because she is relieved to no longer be pregnant I am sure. We are posed in that awkward pose with a newborn that can't hold it's head up. I have a theory that my Aunt Jo took it. She is always getting us to take pictures. She is the family historian. The pictures to the left is her with Regan this Christmas..she said "Here take a picture of me and Regan." The the pictures in my cube we are at at my Grandma's house. I have lots of memories in that house. It smelled musty and had itchy furniture but she made great macaroni and I loved playing rock star in front of her window AC (this taught me that blowing air is glamorous) . Unfortunately I don't have any memories of this day but I have a cube.

These pictures in this cube remind me that time flies, that I was once somebodies little baby...so innocent, so sweet...all I have to do was be and I made them proud. It reminds me that I am still connected to them even when I don't see them all the time. We have history and history means something. I am not innocent and sometimes I am sweet but I still make him proud.

This cube reminds me that one time my family was small. Just me, my mom and my dad. Now that little family of three has grown to 18 people. My parents did a good job raising me and my siblings. They weren't perfect but they did good. Someday my kids will be married and have kids. I want to make sure I am doing all I can to make a good impact...one that reflects Jesus and what he values. I pray for that grace will be abounding and love will grow. I look forward to watching my kids fall in love and have children but it makes me want to be present in today...times goes fast. I know if I am faithful with little God will give me much.

This cube reminds me of a time when my Grandma is holding me and knowing me. She and I had a special relationship. She would say, "I love you kid..be good" or "Done good kid." Things are different now when I hug her and she doesn't know me. Now she says, "I know I should know you kid." I agree with her...we laugh...and we talk about when her mom might come to visit her (my grandmother is in her late eighties so this is very funny conversation.) It doesn't matter if she knows me because I know her and I know that she loves me in her heart but her brain is stuck in another time. This picture reminds me take advantage of each moment so the ones I love won't have to wonder how I felt.

A year later.....

2008-04-02T09:20:00.006-05:00

One year ago today we thought would be Regan's last day in her earthy body and her first day in life everlasting...a day she would be made new...the day we would let go and she would see Jesus. We thought it would be Regan's first day to walk, talk, raise her hands, confess with her mouth Jesus as Lord, hug, and sing a New song. We spent a few hours trying to figure out as a family we would walk out of St John's without Regan. We cried about how hard it would be to walk up Regan's ramps at our house without her. How we would drive her van home with an empty wheel chair in it...we were excited that Regan wouldn't need it anymore BUT we all cried because we agreed we all really LOVE taking care of her. I remember Rylee was in the bed with Regan and with tears falling down her face she said "I just don't want to let go". Brian rubbed her leg and told her he didn't want to either. She was wrapped in one of Regan's blankets from home. Regan basically has slept every night of the last 5 years under one these two blankets (both of them are in this picture). Brian was setting on the edge of the bed. Ryder and I were at the end. We had gathered around her for our good-bye to her. It was the hardest day of my life so far...I am sure there is a day somewhere in the future that will be harder. I remember feeling so frustrated that we had to go through this...yet so at peace with God's timing and will.

Many of you remember all of this because you were with us...reading along....praying to Jesus..preparing your own children. Crying tears all over the world. Nurses and Doctors filed through as new spread. Interestingly, Brian and I were at St John's last night, we volunteer there once a month, and I was chatting with a couple of nurses and we were talking about last year...about how hard it was for them. How unique that whole time was for everybody.

I remember going into the bathroom that was in our room and calling my sister because I couldn't figure out how to call my mom. I felt so bad asking her to do it ...to make the call I had no words for...my sister and I cried on the phone. We've cried lots of times together because we are sisters but this time we basically said three sentences..I told her it was happening. She said she was sorry and I said me too....the pain was the worse I have ever felt..it took my breath away.

Too many emotions to make sense of anything. Only tears and cries loud and soft for God's help to please deliver us from all of this. We prayed prayers of thankfulness for our grand opportunity to care and love Miss Regan Mills. We mostly tried to remember that God is a good Father...and that we trust HIM all the way.

Then all of a sudden as we are taking turns holding her...God began to take our breathe away for a whole new reason. I think God heard Rylee's prayer. To this day the doctors there call it a miracle. When we see them around the hospital they ask how she is and we say "good" they shake there head. We laugh. I took this picture of Regan on Easter while we were in KC. I makes me happy. It is amazing that a girl with only hours to live as lived an entire 365! And none of them where in the hospital.
This morning Brian and I along with Ryder and Rylee gathered around Regan in her bed again. Like last year we prayed a prayer telling God how thankful we are for our sweet Regan...how we consider it one of life's greatest gifts that we and call her ours...that we know her so well and get to care for her. We confess how much we trust Him all the way. We said Amen. Then Rylee started singing "Happy Birthday to You, Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday dear Regan Happy resurrection Birthday to you."

We know Regan didn't die all the way but to us it feels like she is living a new life...I can't help but think of how the writer of Hebrews describes Jesus...and I make that my prayer for us today.....that the same could be said of us...Brian, Chantell, Ryder, Rylee and Regan Faith but also you too!

"While Jesus was here on earth, He offered prayers and pleadings, with a loud cry and tears, to the ONE who could deliver Him out of death. And God heard His prayers because of His reverence for God. So even though Jesus was God's Son, He learned obedience from the things He suffered." Hebrews 5:7-8

Let that be so of us....let that be so!

Easter Update

2008-03-26T17:29:00.006-05:00

We spent Easter with the "other Mills Family" in KC. Brian's brother Paul and his wife Tiffany and their three kids were our hosts. We went to Celebrate this year of HOPE we have experienced together. Mostly we love to be together to spend time Spurring eachother we celebrated JESUS and His life that goes on and on. We also celebrated what God has done amazing things through Regan's life but also he sent us Liam.YES we are IN LOVE with this little guy. Oh, he makes us remember that God can do things we thought would never happen. God does BIG things sometimes...things like bring life back that we thought would end and bring brand new life when we thought that season of life was over. Being with Liam and Regan on Easter blessed me because I hear God when I see them.
We couldn't get enough. Look at HIM....wouldn't you want to kiss him, hold him, change him, simply look at him...what a great boy. The kids also got to feed baby cows at Tiffany's parent's house. They hosted us for Easter. It was a great time. Like I said...nothing like an Easter where you celebrate new life.....even the life of a cow.

Wisdom is Perennial

2008-03-18T15:32:00.005-05:00

My friend Amy talked about her plants coming up in her hard. It made me look and low and behold there were mine. I think this is funny because you can see the dog poop right beside pretty green steams that will soon have blooms for color. This makes me have hope that new life can come even right beside the dog poop in my life even when it is cloudy and cold and it feels like winter will never be over.

Mostly this reminds me of something that I heard a while ago that has recently sprung up in my mind. Wisdom is Perennial. Wisdom takes root underground and springs up when you need it. It comes back year after year, even though you can forget about it in the winter times in life. Usually wisdom brings hope of new life. So it is important to gain wisdom...it is beneficial for so many things. I am thankful for the wise people in my life who feed me wisdom...wither it is through the Word of God, various books, watching great wise people live, personal mentoring, or relationships...or other means...I appreciate them. I am glad they plant seeds in the sometimes not so wonderful soil of my heart. You can trust that Wisdom is Perennial and you will someday see the fruit of it in my life. Some of it might take a little longer than others.

I am in a season of tending to some rocks and paths and thorny bushes that have developed my by heart. Making it more possible for hope to spring forth. For life to come from this winter going on in my soul. My little flowers are giving me hope that if it could happen in my back hard maybe it could happen in my heart too.

Regan is doing great. She and I are having a great week. Thanks for praying for us.

Being a First Grader

2008-03-07T09:27:00.004-06:00

Regan was born on the first day of summer. We actually considered giving her the middle name Summer but went with Faith instead...good decision on our part. So I am never sure what grade Regan would be in if she went to "regular" school. Ryder is a summer baby too and went sent him early and he has done great so I always figure we would have done the same with her. So, when I think about what grade Regan is in I think first.
The first couple of years of Regan's life it was hard for me to be around other kids that were her age because it made me sad. God and I had many talks about why all these things were wrong with Regan. I had my eyes focused on her. Then one day I held a baby. I think it might have been Morah Gowin, Morah was only a few weeks old but her muscles were stronger than Regan's were even though Regan was probably three at the time. I realized how amazing God made childhood development it and how most of the time it goes just fine yet there are so many little things that could go wrong that don't. God really knew what HE was doing when He made us. So I started working in the Toddler room at our church. Every month I spend time with little Toddlers who call Regan "baby" and I say "No she is six...she is a big girl." They don't understand (because they are two) and they say "Good baby"and pat her on her knee. They are right. So I agree with them she is a good baby and we move on.
I got the wonderful gift on Wednesday night to be the first grade sub for our programing at our church. I got to help first graders memorize a verse of the bible and then played games with them to help them get it even better. Our story was about Jesus' story of the farmer and the seeds. We played games like plant freeze tag, memory, and even a game with balls and hula hoops. They are a funny group. Three of the kids, Kate, Brandon and Eli belong to three of my good friends; Shannon, Marci and Jennifer. So, I am with them frequently and I know and already love them deeply....Kate and I did the happy dance when we realized we would be together. Brandon put his head on my shoulder during worship. Eli sat by me during class. We had a great time. I helped them sound out the words they don't know yet. They are still learning frequently used words and don't fully understand phonics yet. I don't understand phonics yet either so we share this in common. We repeated phrases over and over together so they could get them to go deep into their mind. We reviewed things like who is the farmer in this story...Jesus is the farmer....what is the seed....God's Word is the seed....what is the dirt..our hearts are the dirt....what are the weeds....distractions are the weeds. They even knew deep theological things like why did farmer throw His seeds everywhere? "Because He wants His Word to go EVERYWHERE!" A great time with great Jesus loving people. I'm glad I'll know them all their life. I look forward to their weddings someday.
That night I had a difficult time sleeping because all I could think about was how I wish I was Regan's sub that night. I wish she and I could share the memory of the night I subbed for her class at church and we played freeze tag, how I helped everybody sound out their word for memory, how we threw balls into hula hoops, ...I want to say to her...."Regan who is the Farmer?" and her to say to me "Jesus is the Farmer Mama....come on everybody knows that!" I want to say..."Regan's turn to throw the ball." I want to know that she knows that Jesus wants His Word to go EVERYWHERE! I know that if she were "normal" these would be some of her BFF's. I know that she and Kate would be frustrating Rylee because they were leaving her out. Currently when Brandon comes over to play he wants to play with Ryder. Ryder and Hannah (Brandon's big sister) are close friends...they play with Brandon but....really want their own time. If Regan were normal Regan and Brandon would be playing video games together or playing cars. Eli always wants Regan to spend the night with him when Ryder and Rylee get to spend the night with Ethan and Ashton (his brother and sister). Eli is special too and he sees Regan more normal than most. He asks expecting that this should happen. Regan should get to spend the night. Jennifer and I wish they could send the night...(they are little still so this would be okay.....) All of these little guys love Regan and are very sweet to her and consider Regan their friend but Regan is a good baby....not a playmate.
So I decided for a few days I am just going to let the tears flow. Jesus said one time when He was throwing some seeds around that "Blessed are those who mourn...for they will laugh later." I know is was talking about mourning your sin...but I am mourning the effects of Sin so I think it does apply. Everyday I see what sin does to Regan's body and I remember what it is doing to the world around us...It motivates me to do the work of pulling out the weeds and rock that get in the way of being like Jesus.
I get mournful sometimes because I want to look forward to her wedding someday too. Instead, I get to look forward to FULL Redemption of the earth. Now that picture makes me laugh. Me and Regan trying to hula hoop...me with my new hips and Regan with her's...or maybe even better we will all be like Regan with NO HIPS AT ALL!

Chantell, Pay Attention!

2008-03-03T09:21:00.003-06:00

When I was a child often I would hear "are you paying attention" or sometimes it was "Chantell, pay attention!" This was usually because I was trying to do too many things at once, which was probably watch TV and cut carrots or watch TV and tie my shoes, or even watch TV and fold cloths, or watch TV and do my homework. Our TV was always on and I always wanted to watch it. So, the thing I was suppose to be doing wasn't getting my full attention because I was distracted by TV.

I am a mom now and I say "are you listening to me?" or sometimes it is "Ryder, pay attention to what you are doing!" We don't keep our TV on all the time BUT there are lots of things to distract them from what they are suppose to be focusing on like ipods, books, wanting to pay outside, sometimes TV, getting in too big of a hurry. Then the thing that they are suppose to be giving their full attention to like homework, folding cloths, cleaning their room or family time get shorted because they are distracted.

I have to admit that sometimes I am not paying attention either. I feel the Holy Spirit say "Are you listening to me?" or "Chantell pay attention to what I am doing here!" God said in Matthew 17 "This is my son, I am pleased with Him, Listen to Him." Jesus would often tell stories to explain truth and when he would explain the truth because they didn't always pay attention and they would not get the point, He would say "Listen and understand" or maybe "He who has ears let him hear." This isn't about ears or even that they weren't listening it is that were weren't REALLY paying attention. Not just going through the motions of life but picking up on the subtle realities that God is wanting to show us. When we clue in to what is really going on and not just taking everything at face value. When we move aside the distractions that keep up from giving our full attention to what our main goal in life is....to have relationship with The Father.

As an adult I am often frustrated by my own mind as my greatest distraction. I can't see and hear all that God has for me because my own self absorbed ego and paranoid mind get in the way. I am always working to push them aside to let in the voice of God. This is partial way scripture is so important. It becomes the voice of truth and the bases for all the experiences in life. My full attention on it makes me less distracted and better able to experience life...my kids, my husband, my friends, cutting carrots, folding cloths the way God wants me to.

I feel like this is one of my lessons of this years Lent. I hear Jesus saying "Listen up chick....pay attention to what is going on here... don't get hung up on this thing over here.... what is going on is deeper than that....listen to me and understand....we have been over this before but you weren't paying attention....are you ready this time to give me your full attention....listen to me.....listen for me....listen."

Family Update

2008-02-28T10:27:00.006-06:00

Many of you know that I celebrated a birthday 11 days ago. It was great. Brian gave me a great gift this year.....time! We went over night for the first time in three years (not counting camping one night last summer...because...well it's camping.) Brian's mom, Vera Lu, came to stay with the kids. She had help with Regan from Julie and Lil. So, we went to Chicago for 30 hours without kids!
We stayed at the Cass in downtown Chicago. It was beautiful. I felt like I was in a movie. The room was small but that made it even more romantic. If you have a family you know that when you stay in a hotel with the whole family you have to have space. When you stay with your husband on a romantic getaway you want to be as close as possible. We ate on Saturday night at a beautiful Italian Restaurant that I don't know the name of. It was the best dining experience of my life...great food...great cappuccino....great company. We had a great time there for two hours! So fun.....

We also went to the Art Museum and went to see Wicked at the Ford Theater. It makes an interesting statement about evil..so it is much more than just a play about the Wizard of Oz. It was really great and I would recommend it to anyone if it comes to your city. Brian referred to the whole weekend as adult Disneyland because we just did things we like. We got to sleep in until eight o'clock because Grandma Vera gave the 4 am medicine dose!

I feel blessed that I got to spend 30 hours in the company of this man. What a blessing to have a marriage where you like your mate and prefer to be with them rather than anyone else. No experience is a great if he isn't there. I am glad to be in the place in our relationship where we know each other so well...to be known and loved deeply in the knowing has a powerful affect of my mind and soul.

Also wanted to share that Brian's brother and my sister in law Paul and Tiffany had their baby. "William Brian Mills" was born yesterday! We are so happy to have little Liam in our family. We needed another boy to bring balance to the family. I know Brennan and Ashlyn are excited to have him as apart of their lives. What a blessing being born is...to those who are born and all those who experience new life. It makes my heart sing "Look what God can do!" Brian and I can't wait to go to KC to get our hands on him. He is a blessed young man to be born to such great parents and I will remind him of that for the rest of his life.

Belonging

2008-02-22T08:59:00.002-06:00

I remember walking into school when I was in second grade. My mom drove a brown station wagon at the time. The doors were so heavy on that sucker. I just knew that if I smashed my finger in that door they would fall off. I still have a fear of loosing a finger in a car door. The circle drive in front of Southwest Elementary School was fine gravel. I can still hear the sounds of the crackling car pool. Parents and big yellow buses pulled through and dropped their kids off. My sister was in Kindergarten at this time so we went to a different school than me. So, I walked in alone. I've never really liked walking in alone. There is some comfort to walking in with someone even if it is your lil' sister. I felt more at ease. We were with each other. We belong together. I walked up the three little steps off the circle drive then down four steps to the breeze way that lead to my class room where Ms. Mc was my teacher (this was not her name but for privacy we will refer to her as that). This walk lead past the principles office, past two first grade classes and then a right hand turn through the second grade door. This was not a place I wanted to go. I hated second grade. I felt like I didn't belong.

We spent a lot of time at church when I was a kid. Then the rest of our time we spent playing or watching sports. For me these two worlds did not ever intersect (except for church softball league and those games made me nervous because again these worlds should not be meeting.) I loved church. I loved the people, my friends, the old people, the weird people who raised their hands, I loved all the hugging, and singing. I felt like I had a place there. People knew me. I belonged to them. They belong to me. My family had a place to set that was our spot. I knew where everyone else would set too. No pressure or lonely feelings for me there as a child. Same at the softball fields where I grew up. I knew who would be there. I knew what we would do. I knew where we would play and set. I loved the people, my friends, the old people, the weird people who drank to much, and the old drunks who lived under the bridge. These folks knew me. I belong to them. They belong to me. These are places that I belonged. They were very different but yet so much a like.

In church my Dad was the guy who made most people feel uncomfortable because he spoke his mind, and cursed and chewed tobacco. Things things are still true about him. However at the softball field my dad was the conservative one. The hard working dad who was dedicated to his wife and kids. He was the one who would not drink to much, who didn't smoke cigarettes and though he cursed never dropped big curse words. Who he was moved him to the edge of belonging at both places. I wonder where he felt most comfortable where he felt he fit the most at ease. Judgment is a great isolator. So, I bet it was at the softball fields.

I have always had lots of friends. I don't remember hanging out or playing in the second grade. I wish I could say that once I made that right hand turn into Ms. Mc's class I belonged but that was not the case. Our teacher had our desks in rows, two on each side of the room that faced each other. Our desks layed against each other at each end. That was as affectionate as that room ever got. I remember being cold all the time. Maybe it was the cold Oklahoma wind, or the brick and cement walls but this was not a happy place. She was not warm...She would walk up and down the rows holding her ruler in her hand. She used it as a pointer. It felt like prison to me. She was the guard and the ruler was her night stick. She didn't seem to want us there. Maybe we were just a wild group. The only other thing I remember from second grade is Charlie Beavers eating glue. Charlie Beavers made fun of me all the time. I did not belong to him and he did not belong to me.

Having someone to belong to just makes life easier. I like knowing certain people are my people. I belong to them. They belong to me. Not like property but like good memories belong to us. They are ours. Nothing can change that. I feel this way when I am with my family...Brian and the kids are my beloveds...and I am theirs. We belong to each other. I feel this way with my brothers and sisters and my mom and dad. We go together...sometimes it feels like oil and water but we are each other's. I have friendships like this. I belong to you. Now, I am not alone. It gives me peace when I am alone. I don't have to many lonely walks down breeze ways anymore. I know these people are with me. I have a place I belong. It doesn't feel like prison. It feels like home. It is warm even in cold winds.

This sense of belonging started for me when I started to understand I belong to God and he belongs to me. That he chose me and I chose Him. (He has chosen all of us by the way!) When I got this relationship right all the others seem fall into place in my mind and heart and soul. No longer was I looking like a lonely Jr high girl for a click. I just want to me known for my own truth and then accepted. Not with a rubber stamp "quality inspected" but more like "authentic." Like my 100 year old table. It make have flaws but it is the real deal. I love it because it is real. It belongs to me imperfections and all. Like my memories of playing with my sister and our friends in the red dirt late at night under the score keepers box at the softball fields. Our bellies full of pop corn and cold soda. The smell of cheep beer in the air. My mom with a score keepers pad in her lap. My dad at the pitcher's mound. Chuck on third, uncle David (my dad's best friend) on first. Bug bits itching, dirt up my shorts, bear feet cooled by the dirt I sat in, runny noses....These memories are mine...those people were mine...they belong to me...I belong to them....feels good.

The War

2008-02-15T11:44:00.002-06:00

So it happened, I got sick. I don't have the flu but I have flu like symptoms. Fortunately Regan has not gotten it so far. I am feeling better today than I did...so I am no my way to recovery. While I am frustrated with my body not feeling well I am also frustrated with my mind. Lent is not going as well as i had hoped. Since I was getting sick or have been ill I almost since Lent started I have not made it out of bed a hour early even 50% of the time....grrrrr! I complain way more than I even realized grrrrrr! I am reminded that prayer isn't easy.......grrrrr!

I am reminded that my mind is at war with two beliefs. One is that God is in control. The other is that I am. I want God to win. Unfortunately I am bull headed. I confess I don't make Him Lord everyday. I like to rule my life. I think I should make Mary's prayer mine.

"I am the Lord's servant".....

I want peace in my mind. I want peace in my heart. I want God to win the war one battle at a time.

Lent..giving and taking.

2008-02-07T12:11:00.001-06:00

Lent starts today. I have been practicing Lent for about 10 years or so. I don't remember doing it before Ryder was born but I distinctly remember giving up Coke when he was small. Those of you who have traveled this journey for very long know Easter is a special time for our family. Regan started having seizures during Easter 6 years ago and on that 5th year anniversary last year we brought her home from the hospital again this time after thinking she was going to go home to be with Jesus.

So Lent stirs up lots of emotion in me. First because I am so frustrated by my own sin. I want to do so much better than I actually do. I am a "doer" Lent comforts me because it reminds me I was once hopeless (Eph. 2:) and could do nothing to help this hope deprived state. Thankful my salvation is not up to me! It also comforts me because it allows me to do something through the act of giving something up. If gives me a process to inform my soul of the HOPE of Christ. Because I live with someone who's body fights openly daily against the effects of sin (We all do this but Regan's is obvious!) I really hate sin. I am so glad that sin is not forever. Regan's body reminds me of my own experience. Thankful Jesus gave me the antidote I need (the double cure as the old song says). He took away my sin and guilt! He gave his life and took my sin.

Yesterday I cried my soul dry during the Ash Wednesday service because I was lamenting my sinful self. Last week I really blew it a few times. My heart feels dirty even though those I sinned against have forgiven me. I was also reminded that last year Lent was the hardest six weeks of my life. Regan passed a huge kidney stone, endured relentless seizures, and practically died all during the forty days of Lent. She literally came home on Good Friday. Last year I sat through the same Ash Wednesday service confessing me sin and committing to not watch Oprah for forty days. At the time it seemed difficult. My kids even confessed they didn't think I could do it. That seems stupid now considering I had no idea that not watching Oprah would be the least of my Lament. Thankfully Jesus had another Lent plan for me. Last Lent was a time of taking....thankful that time he gave her back to me. God gave all of us a physical reminder of what Easter is....He gives and takes.

Two years ago I gave up coffee from Starbucks. Now this might even sound more stupid considering I felt blessed if I got it once a week. My mind and body obsess on the possibility of it. I would even save my cup. The cup from Starbucks actually brought me comfort. I realized I associated it with all my dear friends in Texas. Even though some of them don't drink coffee...I did so it made me miss them and nothing else seem to help that missing except a recycled cardboard cup in my hand. Absurd I know but more true that you will ever know. I had assumed that I was blessed to ever have friends like that. So, I need to learn to praise Him for them. So, I did it....I let the Spirit comfort me and I gave up the pipe dream. He did a much better job than a latte ever could. Little did I know that God was already sending me a gift ...a new friend. To mend the loneliness. I met her during Lent that year. I didn't know we would be intimate friends. I was in a time of giving up...not the friends but the fantasy of finding them in a cup of coffee. During Lent the Spirit gave me comfort. Then a almost a year later He gave me a new friend. She is not like them and she doesn't need to replace them but our friendship renews me in similar ways. She is here with me and they live far away. I am sure glad I gave up coffee that year. He gives and takes.

This year I am giving up an hour's sleep. This is partially motivated by reading a book about a women who gets up to meditate at 3am. She is not a Christian. So she is not empowered by the Holy Spirit. This makes me feel lazy an devoted to my Jesus who actually Lives and who I love so much. So I want to get up an hour earlier (which is probably when many of you get up) so that I can pray. Brian suggested that Ryder could wake me up because my 11 year old son even gets up earlier than me. My desire is to pray the 5 offices of prayer. They hardest one for me will be early am. I have wanted to do it for many years. My hope is that this will be the framework for a disciple I desperately desire. I am also giving up complaining. I figure if I am actually sitting down to pray 5 times a day I should also stop complaining and just pray about it. I am going to give up sleep, complaining and I hope to get peace from a steady river of prayer. I may get something else all together. As my records shows He will give and take what He wants. My hope is in Him and not in my plan (or at least I want it to be!).

As the song says...He gives and He takes and He makes us Stronger.

sleeping until 10:15

2008-02-05T13:53:00.001-06:00

Everyone is busy. This week has been over the top. Today was the end of of the crazy week. I am so glad. All the things that I have been participating in are great. Planning and hosting a all women's event at LCC. I really love my small group and have loved all of my small groups I have lead since we have been working at LCC. We had tons of snow but it was warm inside the hall we meet in because girls love to get together.
I also have been planning (with the help of lots of other) a retreat for high school girls at LCC. It is called "Awaken." I love this retreat....I love the girls I get to work with to plan it and I really love pour God's blessings out on these high school girls. Some of them drove four hours through the snow to get there. We were honored to have Shauna Niequist with us. She just wrote a book called Cold Tangerine's. If you haven't read it...you should.

This week I have been kicking off a new semester of Women's Bible Study at our Church (Monday Night and Tuesday Morning). I haven't taught a weekly study in five years so my stomach hurt yesterday because I was so nervous. We have about forty ladies participating between the two times. I look forward to our journey together.

Tonight is our Parent Advisory Board meeting in Springfield. I look forward to it each month...it is weird but I love St John's...I love the people there. It is like going home in many ways. It is a place were some of the biggest events in my life have happened. Many of them shared this moments with us. It is nice to give back.

Some people go like this all the time. I however do not. So the carrot in front of my nose is the thoughts of sitting in my living room and reading. I think Shannon might come over for lunch. That would be great too. I just want to take it easy. I don't want to load anything into my car but my body and purse. I do not want to try and make any body or thing feel comfortable but my feet. I am full of gratitude for all of these places to serve but I am ready for a break. Rylee and I didn't even watch the Super Bowl Sunday. We watched High School Musial II and played games. The boys were gone and so we did Sunday our way. She went with me to serve for Awaken...we both needed rest. She was tired on Saturday Night. While we were eating dinner we were discussing how tired we were. She looked at Ryder and said, "Ryder , you are not the one who had to get up at 10:15...you would be tired too!"

.....oh to sleep until 10:15am!

Brace Face

2008-01-30T11:45:00.001-06:00

This morning Rylee got her braces on. She chose blue and yellow as her rubber band colors. Those are her school colors! Now that is School Spirit! She has a great attitude about the whole thing. I am proud of how she is just doing it without complaining. She has had an expander since November....so now chewy candy, soda, nuts or hard things....She does a great job. Anyway I knew the grandma's would want to see. Can you believe she is getting so old!!!!!Oh, Parian here is a picture of Moby our dog. He was so cute last night. The girls and I were snuggling on the sofa watching American Idol. He got jealous and jump in my lap. He laid his head down on my other shoulder. Until Ryder took the picture....I also got new glasses. My mom wants to see them.

Shaking the Rug Out

2008-01-27T20:20:00.000-06:00

Isn't it funny how we all have things we want to hide. Ryder played hide and seek on Saturday Night and we were saying that being found is half the fun. Yet many of us spend our whole lives hiding parts of ourselves from everyone. Isn't it funny how we do the same with God. We honestly think he doesn't know. I think we are afraid if He saw us maybe he would leave. I am blessed to have a closet that I can put things in that don't have a place. (Brian probably thinks it's his garage but it's not!) It is a closet that has our games, my scrapbooks, a couple file cabinets its, my craft supplies, wrapping paper and everything else that doesn't fit into a category. I don't like to look in because it frustrates me because I don't know what to do with all of it. I never want people to see in it...(even though I know some of you will now knock on my door as ask to look in.) I recently read a book that where the author described her basement as being her place of shame. I suppose most of us have some spot. All of us do internally I know.

One of the things I always want clean is my bathroom. I want the mirrors clean of toothpaste. I want the sink to be the same. I want to pee on the floor around the toilet from when Ryder is in too big of a hurry...or one of his friends. I want to rugs shook out and free from all the hair that falls on them. I want my bathroom to look like no one lives it in. Unfortunately my kids bathroom is also the "guest bath." And so the bath that our guest see is the one my kids use. They don't share the same issues as me so every morning I wipe it down and shake out the rugs into the tub and wash it down the drain...and there is sits pretty until they get home.

I have a few friends that I don't shake the rug out for. It is shear discipline that I don't shake the rug out. All of me wants to but I make myself be free of it for them. I won't want them to clean their bathrooms for me. As a matter of fact I have cleaned some of there bathrooms and enjoyed it. I know that they know I am not perfect so I don't have to pretend. I don't have to hide my imperfections. They aren't that impressed with me and it feels good.

I want to be this way all the time but I am not. I hide. I hide my sin in the closet. I make my life look more cleaned up than it really is. I "shake my rug out" too much. I am glad I have these friends I do have....they live all over the place. If I knew they were coming to visit I would clean up but only for the first day...then I would remember they know me. They have listened to me groan because I have to words to say. They have held me in hospital hallways...they listened to me when I was angry with myself because I sin...and because we live in a fallen world. They listen to my ideas, to my dreams, to my failures...and they still want to be my friend. They are my "Jesus with Skin On" as my friend Paula used to say.

So I was reminded this week you can't shake your rugs for everybody....thank you Jesus that you see my closet...you know my bathroom gets messy and you love me anyway and you give me people that love me anyway.

Monday's Muse

2008-01-21T08:56:00.000-06:00

When you are constantly suctioning mucus out of the back of your daughter's throat it makes it very difficult to take time to cuddle with her. It is practically difficult because you need two hands to suction and two arms to hold; since hands are connected to arms you could see the difficulty.
The other issue is that she requires so much in these moments that every other moment I need to be doing something to keep the rest of the family afloat. Unfortunately, cuddling because low on my "to do list." I am a task person so this list is important to me...many times too important. There is also the issue of cuddling with someone who has oxygen tube on her face, feeding tube in her belly, drain tube in her belly, on top of the suction. It is cumbersome and annoying.

A side effect of all of this is it also interferes with my time with Ryder and Rylee. Really it is the same issues. Practically it is difficult because you are constantly jumping up to suction. You need two arms to cuddle a big kid too and it still takes two hands to suction. My to do list and task driven personality interfere with my deep desire to hold my kids (which they both still want everyday even though Ryder is 11! Yea!)

So last night I put it on my "to do list." Ryder and Brian went to St Louis for the afternoon and evening. It was Sunday...I try to do the least amount I can on Sunday because it honors God and reminds me He rested too! Rylee had her friend Danielle over to play for a few hours so I could spend time with Regan. So we sat. I unhooked her feeding tube...no oxygen...no need to suction...no time limit because she didn't need any breathing treatments. My arms and hands were free and my to do list was being checked off because I got to spend a great two hours holding my baby girl. We talked to Nana (my mom) on the phone. Regan likes to talk to her on the phone because she has a great voice...she is excited to hear her and almost always responds. When I hold Regan I remember how much I liked to cuddle. I still do.

At 9pm Rylee's friend left and then Rylee and I reset the house, got Regan in bed, got our jammies on and then snuggled in my bed. Rylee loves to snuggle in my bed. I understand because I am almost 35 but laying in bed with my mom is one of my favorite places. It sounds weird I know but it Shalom to me. She and I love to talk so we just go on and on. Rylee and I are the same. Last night we mostly read. She read "Honestly Malory!" and I read "Cold Tangerine's." We laughed when we turned pages at the exact same time. We had our legs all knotted up together. Regan was in her bed listening to Josh Groben. We read for an hour. Then she said, as she laid her book down, I want to rest. She snuggled in close and read my book with me. She said, "Is this book about her life." Yes I replied...."like a blog in print." She wished there were pictures. I read for another thirty minutes. Then I just looked at her. She is a beautiful girl. She is growing up. I love it and hate it all at the same time. I wondered if when she is 35 if she will still want moments like this. I know I will.

ps thanks for the prayers about the seizures...none all day yesterday!

100% to the Extreme

2008-01-18T10:57:00.000-06:00

Just a quick update to let you know that Regan is doing much better. Today is is on nothing but room air and stating at 100%...Regan is an extreme girl.
(Regan is with her cousin Terren at Christmas!)

She has gotten significantly better in the last two day (since the last blog update) so I am thinking I need to ask you to pray about her seizures. She has been having a lot the last couple days. She had 7 yesterday and already four today...Regan is an extreme girl.

We serve an extreme God so if you could request a break from these nasty things we would appreciate it. But when you go to Him...thank if for this day 100% to the extreme.

I am extremely tired of running an ICU. Brian and I need a break. So we are going on a date! Lil will be with the kiddos. Ryder asked Regan this morning if she was excited to see Julie and Regan smiled. Then he asked her if she was excited about Lil coming over tonight while mom and dad go out and she smiled. (All kids love a babysitter because they are extreme fun!) Kyle, Lil's boyfriend (seen in photo to the right) is going to stop over to see them all. Ryder asked Regan if she was excited about Kyle coming over and Regan did nothing. So he asked her if Regan knew who Kyle was and Regan shook her head no...Ryder then asked her if it was sorta weird to think about Lil having a boyfriend and Regan smiled. Ryder told her it was weird for him too! Ryder called this intelligent conversation vs the spiritual conversations we usually have with our sweet girl. Regan is an extreme girl!
(note that in the picture Ryder and Rylee are in the center of Li's attention and Kyle is distracted by video games....This is the way my children like it...being in the center of attention while boyfriends are distracted by image on a screen.)

What a Walk

2008-01-15T16:08:00.001-06:00

It is sorta a funny thing that the person who continues to teach me how to walk close to Christ doesn't walk...she rolls. In times when Regan is needing more care (like now) one of the upsides is that I get to spend more time with her. I learn a lot from being with her. The girls who help me take care of her call it "Regan Therapy." She sorta helps you sort out your stuff because she is a great listener and she never tells what you say. She never says things that are insensitive or that you should just get over it or that you are over reacting and she never asks you if you are getting ready to start your period. (Even though she may be thinking it!.) She just listens. Sometimes she smiles. Sometimes she sleeps....she lets you sit with it. Somehow knowing that she has walked a difficult journey you find comfort in her presence....She is so full of the Holy Spirit's power that he uses her to minister to me....

In her weakness I am reminded of mine. But because Christ is so strong in her you think...maybe he could be strong in me to? Am I able to accept that Christ has called me to give up everything in order to gain my life? Regan seems to have found that groove....
funny thing....the medicine that she is on that is keeping her secretions to a minimum...and in this lack keep her alive...this med was only given to her when she was told she wouldn't live another day. She had to almost literally lose her life to gain a better life back. So this makes me wonder what do I have to give up to get a better life in Christ? Thanks Reg's!

She is still needing lots of breathing treatments but no fever...today seemed a little better than yesterday.....please keep praying for us. Pray for strength...and clarity! Oh, and that Regan would get better. I praise God for you...I wish each of you could have some time with her....maybe someday when we are all Gathered together with Jesus she can tell us stories. I think that might be her theme in Glory. I know she will testify of His greatness in her. How He made her weak because He was strong....I think while she is telling us she will be walking and talking...talking and walking. (I hope we can all keep up!)

Divine Prayer

2008-01-10T12:10:00.001-06:00

I have been needing to set down and let everyone know that Regan is having some breathing issues over the past couple of weeks. It started on our trip through Kansas and Oklahoma. The Oklahoma climate was near tropical plus wind minus the beaches and tan muscular people in swimsuits. As you remember from previous entries Regan doesn't like mild weather. She is an en extreme girl in many ways. She likes it hot or freezing. So we are doing round the clock breathing treatments. She started on an antibiotic on Monday and we hope she will respond to all of this soon. In the meantime will you pray with us about it. We are beginning to feel tired so I know she is.

Some of you know that I love the "Divine Hours" which is book that is a companion for people who pray according to the Daily Offices of prayer (which is one of the oldest forms of Christian prayer taken from Judaism.) These prayers have saved me from myself many a day in the last few years. Many times I don't know what to pray, I have no energy to come up with words, I can even speak. God laid this tool in my lap...I have never owned my own copy. I continually check them out from the library. My mother in law Vera Lu generously purchased them for me for Christmas. It is one of the highlights of the season for me. Thanks again for my own Vera Lu! I wanted to share the Final Nightly Petition with you,
"Watch, O Lord with those who wake, or watch or weep tonight, and give Your angels and saints charge over those who sleep. Tend Your sick ones, O Lord Christ. Rest Your weary ones. Bless Your Dying ones, Soothe Your Suffering ones. Shield Your joyous ones, and all for Your loves' sake. Amen! (By St. Augustine)

Could we say it any better than this man who was inspired to write it somewhere in the late 300's-early 400's. Thank you sir...I look forward to meeting him someday when we are all gathered with Jesus. I hope he gets to tell us the story behind the prayer. I can think of no better prayer to pray to the One who never slumbers. I can think of no better request than to ask the One who made all to watch, to tend, bring rest, bless, soothe, and shield...all for His Love's sake. The great Love that brought the woman to wash His Son's feet with her tears and hair. The great love that drove the Father to give us redemption through His own Son. Surely there must be no end to His Love. No divorce ...no separation from us. This love so great that He would stoop to save us from our own weakness. Bless His Name that He is in charge of us wither we wake, watch or weep...I am so grateful that Augustine knew that during the night some are awake, some are watching out for others, some are weeping...and sometimes we are doing all three. God's love is great...His mercies are unending.

On a much lighter note .....We subscribe to Time magazine and I am very behind on reading them. I read magazines back to front usually so if an article is in the front it could take days before I would get to it. Last night I was reading the November issue in which the cover proclaimed "God Vs Man" they had a story on Mitochondrial Disorder called "When Cells Stop Working" (You can click on the Link to read the article.) It is a short article and easy to read and understand. I thought some of you might want to understand Regan's disorder better. Often article about it are to weighty but this one might bring clarity.

Bitter Sweet

2008-01-06T15:39:00.000-06:00

I love chocolate and I love coffee. As we were trucking across Kansas Rylee said that she thought I should live in "Coffeeville" (a town in Kansas.) Chocolate just tastes better with a little coffee. Something about the bitter with the sweet....what a great combination. As the kids and I were driving back from Oklahoma we had a great discussion about the sweet parts of life are just made better by the bitter ones. I have a few of those types of memories this year. Not sad memories the way you normally think of bitter sweet but....sweet made sweeter by bitter memories of the past.

First my Granny....who I love with all my heart and who was a very important part of my childhood. We also lived together for a while while I was in college. (We took care of each other!) As she gets closer to eternity with Jesus she has very few lucid moments these days. She thinks that she is 18...that her parents are coming to visit at anytime. She thinks her kids are her siblings. Last Christmas she did not know who I was ...I was okay with it but it makes me said. This year however on the day I was leaving I went to see her. When I walked in she said, "Oh, I am so glad to see you Chantell...I thought you went back home without coming to see me." She proceeded to ask me where Brian was, where my folks were, and how my aunt was how is in the hospital. Now that moment was made sweeter by last years bitter moment.

I also got one of the greatest compliments of my life from Brian's Grandmother Hesser. She is one of the most god fearing people I know. The night manager at her Assisted Living Center prints the blog for her. She said that when she reads the blog she feels like she has been to church. This is a big compliment because she and I come from a very different view of women's role in the church. I know that she hasn't always agreed with me or my interpretations of scripture....we have always respected each other but we are very different. So this compliment is very special or sweet to me because for her to say this is HUGE. I might say bitter sweet.
Lastly my brother and sister-in law have been trying to get pregnant for four years. We really thought that they might not be able to have more children. This was very bitter because we all wanted them to have more. But in God's great providence they are expecting and due in February. Rylee, Regan and I got to attend her baby shower on Saturday. This was a sweet moment for all of us. This pregnancy is a little more exciting and a little more fun than the others in our family because we feel like God's favor is shining on is. It is bitter sweet.

Ponder This!

2007-12-21T12:35:00.001-06:00

One activity that I enjoy is to read the hymnal that I grew up singing out of. Sometimes I sing the songs I know...sometimes I set at Rylee's keyboard and try to figure out the tune....sometimes I just read them meditatively and prayerfully. This hymnal is one of my most treasured possessions. I love it because it smells like church to me. I remember sining many of these songs at church back in the day when we turned in between each song instead of some seamless transition. I remember the transition being the sound of pages ruffling. I remember my dad's favorite being page 125. I remember Ann at the piano and Carlos at the the music stand leading us with their beautiful harmony. I remember my mom's neck turning red when she was moved by the words. I used the hymnal to as something hard while I wrote notes to my friends when the service was going too long. I know I didn't appreciate it then. Now I love these songs because I believe that songs should teach something...like doctrine and biblical truth. Often times modern music leaves me feeling disapointed...too simple and usually too repetitive...oh and way to much about me instead of Him. I believe it was the great reformer Martian Luther that said that when we sing God's truth our soul says "Amen!" I love that feeling!

The past couple of weeks I can't get the second verse of "Good Christian Men Rejoice" out of my head.

"Good Christian Men rejoice! With heart and soul and voice! Now ye hear of endless bliss Jesus Christ was born for this. He hath opened heaven's door, and man is blessed forever more. Christ was born for this, Christ was born for this!"

Christ birth is wonderful because he was born to bring us redemption. He was born to save! Salvation came because HE died in our place. He was born to die. My heart turns to his mother. The one who pondered things in her heart. The one who knelt beside a manger He used for a bed, wrapped in him swaddling cloths (and I believe mostly held her sweet lil' boy in her arms. After all he was her first and there were wild animals and strangers there who I am sure did not wash their hands!) This is the same mother who knelt at the foot of the cross and then wrapped Him in burial cloths and held her son again in her arms.
I am sure her whole life long these two moments were replayed in her mind. He was born to die. He did a lot of great living in the middle. I wonder what the ponderings were? She was told from the very beginning that a sword would pierce her own soul. It is not easy to be a mom who know that her child will live a life of suffering. I know that when you watch your child suffer you human instinct is to pull back your heart because the pain of a breaking heart is so great. I know that her heart must have been swung back and forth as she she was comforted by the truth that Jesus Christ was born for THIS! and then the frustration of Jesus being born for this? Each time over the past few weeks when I sing or hear this song It comforts me to know she understands all those things she pondered about and that it was those treasures that she laid at Her Saviors feet. I keep thinking of her looking down on us from the Great Cloud when we sing the third verse. I wonder if they get to sing with us? Oh, I hope so!

"Good Christian men rejoice. With heart and soul and voice! Now ye need no fear the grave Jesus Christ was born to save; Calls you one and call you all, To gain his everlasting hall. Christ was born to save, Christ was born to save!"

My soul this Christmas says "Amen!"

A Moment with Anna

2007-12-12T10:43:00.000-06:00

One of my favorite people is the story of Jesus' birth is Anna. She gets little fame in the story because she plays just a small role. She isn't found in any nativity collection or probably even known about unless you actually read the Bible. She only gets remembered in a few yet powerful verses. Every year she is one of my favorite parts but I find myself drawn to her anew.

"Anna the prophetess was also there, a daughter of Phanuel from the tribe of Asher. She was by now a very old woman. She had been married seven years and a widow for eighty-four. She never left the Temple area, worshiping night and day with her fastings an prayers. At the very time Simeon was praying, she showed up, broke into an anthem of praise to God, and talked about the child to all who were waiting expectantly for the freeing of Jerusalem." Luke 2:36-38

I have found that the last few months have been a season of solitude for me. Regan is sleeping a lot and so I am "home" alone a lot. I know many mom's out there would find this find some time like this a great reward but it grew old very fast. So, I decided maybe I could learn something from sweet Anna. That in her grief she found purpose. She lost her husband after seven years of marriage. It says she never left the Temple area. Now as New Testament believers WE are the Temple of the Holy Spirit. So in my heart I can continually pray and worship God in all things. What I love most is that when Jesus showed up she recognized Him. Oh, that my heart could be these ready, that my heart could be so in tune with the Spirit that I would know when Jesus shows up. I also love that she waits expectantly for the freedom of Jerusalem. I pray God create in my a heart that continually expects the full freedom of sin when Christ's comes again. My heart cries out this Christmas...come Lord Jesus come.

ps our sweet lil Regan is singing this morning! I think she is taking the role of "breaking into an anthem of Praise to God" part of Anna's story. It seems to be a private matter for her because she rarely does it in public.

Our Little Dicken's

2007-12-05T11:48:00.001-06:00

Ryder was apart of the 20th year of Christmas in the Chapel. He only had a small part as the young Charles Dickens. He did a great job. Here he his with Brady the guy who played his dad. We love Brady. He is a preachers kid with a great heart and great acting skills. He and Ryder hung out a lot when he was in Romeo and Juliet. Brady can be critical of himself and Ryder has noticed. Ryder said, "I can be that way to but Brady says not to do it." I am hoping some of Brady's finer qualities continue to rub off on our youngin'. Brady's girlfriend Emily and I say that Ryder and Brady are BFF's. Well maybe not but I sure hope Brady knows that my little guy is watching. Below he is with Adam (who is great as well) who played Charles Dickens.
It is moments like these when I really love our life/ministry here at LCC. I relish the opportunities that my kids have to see great Christian young people and aspire to be like them. The world through media doesn't offer great examples but our life at LCC does.

Here is Rylee and Kate with our Lilian..(she really goes by Lil but we like to call her Lilian!) My kids see her nearly every week day. She hangs out with Regs in the afternoon. They study Hebrew History together. Lil is not perfect but she is struggling to know Jesus. I want Rylee to not think she has to be perfect but to find herself in the struggle just like Jacob did and Lil is doing.

It reminds me of what Paul wrote to the church in Philippians 3:9. "The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me practice these things and the God of peace shall be with you. " We are at peace with God when we dwell with him in our mind, actions and heart. Part of how we know HOW to do it is by watching others do it. I know that I am an example to my kids and their friends but they need other examples too.

Rylee and Kate hanging out with Kim, Chelsey, and Claudia over at the Casa de Maupin. There are so many people in my life who have and are these examples to me It is part of why I love Christmas because I love the cards from many of these people. They cheer me! Their words encourage me to keep believing...keep pressing on! They remind me of what is excellent. (phil. 3:8) But today I give praise to God for his faithfulness to my children by always (throughout their whole life) giving them folks who can show them what a life of "whatever" looks like. "whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, let your mind dwell on these things." (phil 3:8)

Life Lessons' through a Barbie Dream House

2007-11-28T10:33:00.000-06:00

When I was young and growing up on a simple street in rural Oklahoma I had a neighbor a few doors down her name was Crystal. She and I hung out a lot. I loved to go to her house and we always played with our Barbie's. I liked to go to Crystal's house because she had a three story Barbie House that had the pull elevator. It was so cool! This is the modern version but was the hottest toy going at the time. The way I remember it she also had a really cool car.

I always wanted one. I was envious of Crystal's toy! My mom told me that I didn't need one because Crystal had one. She always said that playing Barbie wasn't as fun by yourself and so if Crystal had a house then we could play Barbie together at her house. There was no need for me to have one..after all Crystal had one. She was teaching me to enjoy what someone else has without needing to own one yourself.
The disciple of thinking something is awesome with out needed to buy it!

I have used that story so many times with my kids. Wither it is about awesome Lego's sets or little pet shop houses, Rescue Heroes, American Girl doll collections....you name it. My kids used to love to go the Hull's house when we lived in Dallas because they had a garage full of boy toys (Rodney included, that's the dad!). They wanted a garage full of toys too! I always remembered this lesson my mom tried to teach me. That life isn't even and sharing is good. Enjoying what someone else has without wanting it yourself is good. That this will create a happy heart that enjoys life more.

I admit I do still fall into the trap of wanting what other's have or even what other's (like Pottery Barn) tell me I should want. I am no longer envious of Barbie Dream House but I am envious of the houses I see in magazines and that I see on TV or as I drive down the street. I am not a huge comparer but it seems like the American Economy thrives if I DO fall into the trap. I like nice things...I even own some nice things...I just want to be content with them and not fall into sin by comparing the blessings that God has given me with someone else's blessing. It robs the joy out of the blessings God gives.

I think it has gone on since the beginning of time. Paul reminds us in Romans that we should rejoice with those who rejoice. Usually we like what we buy. So when I have something new I to share my joy and not feel like if I share my blessing the person I am sharing it with will want it. So, I don't want to do that to me either.

I don't even know if this is exactly what my mom was teaching me but I know that she understood that I needed to be content and keep from the love of money. Most Christian's would not say that they love money but most of us love the stuff that money can buy. Solomon tells us in Ecclesiastes that we should be content with our pay. Doesn't that seem unAmerican. We want raises every year, increase of benefits every year, expect that the next job we get will pay more than the previous one. Then in that situation we will be content. Theses reminders in scripture teach us to do what Hebrews 11: 5 tell us to do to be content that "Never will I leave you; Never will I forsake you."

I hear the whisper of the Holy Spirit reminding me that this is what Christmas should remind me of ... to be content (full of peace and joy) in the reality that the Emmanuel came like God said He would and that the Emmanuel will come again like He said He would. How could I want for more. (As Mary Poppin's would say, "Enough is as much as a feast.") Like the old Hymn says, "It is well...with my soul" Thanks mom for the great lesson (your the best). And a special thanks to Crystal's mom who bought her the Dream House so that I could be taught this important life lesson. And let's not forget Crystal who shared when she could have chosen to hoard it all to herself.

Catching Up

2007-11-26T14:24:00.000-06:00

We had a fine Thanksgiving with all of Brian's siblings and their spouses and kids in Indiana. A huge bunch for sure but we ate great food and enjoyed listening to the kids so that was pretty much a full time job. We gathered to take this picture on Thanksgiving morning. That was about the most difficult part of the week. (If you have ever tried to take a big family photo you know why...)

Paul and Tiffany (Brian's brother and his wife) drove through Lincoln on their way so they spent two nights with us and we drove together to Indiana. So we really enjoyed the extra time with them and the kids loved being able to travel with an "all girls" and "all boys" van. They are finally pregnant with their their child so I think that was one of the highlights of the week for Ryder and Rylee...getting to feel the baby move and all of that kind of stuff.

Today I am doing all the laundry from a week a way. This is day two of this journey. So, I'll write more later....

Our Week with Children's Miracle Network

2007-11-16T12:16:00.000-06:00

Many of you know that our family is a part of the Children's Miracle Network family. This year Ryder and Rylee with a lot of help from my mom and dad raised almost $700 for CMN as Change Bandits. They were acknowledged as second place fundraisers at the Change Bandit Bash. Here is a picture of our family with El Bandito the mascot for the Change Bandit Program.

Earlier this year Ryder was also asked to draw a picture to be in the CMN 2008 calander. We picked up copies of it today that you can purchase for $10. If you email me or call me I can mail them to you. Ryder's art marks November of 2008. He did a great job. Here he is posed with the framed art which was on auction today at St John's.
This morning we were also on the teleathon for WBDR's radioathon for CMN. We are so glad to support the efforts at St John's and CMN. If you want to listen to Regan's Time on the telethon you can click on this link and listen. Just go to look for Regan's Story. They had a whip expert there and he whip a flower in half that was in Ryder's mouth and also another one on his head. I think this picture says it all. All the folks at St John's do so much to help our family. We are so glad to get the word out and raise some support for them. We praise God for how He provides help for us through them.

I'm Lovin' It!

2007-11-14T10:42:00.000-06:00

So I wanted to make a post about a few things that I am really loving right now.

First, I am enamored with my new cookbook Deceptively Delicious. I have a little known obsession about my kid's lunch. My kids are great eaters but I find it hard to get all the fruit's and veggies in each day when packing healthy school lunch is difficult. So, I ordered this great cookbook. The idea is that you make veggie and fruit puree's that you add in your food. For example this week I made "Apple Muffins" which had apple non sweet apple sauce and carrot puree which adds fiber and beta caroteen to their food and you don't even taste it. I also made Mac and Cheese that has cheese but also butternut squash which is good for your heart and skin and cauliflower puree help your immune system and help your body fight certain types of cancer. I have made other things too but I will stop here. This is a great gift idea for mom's like me who are looking to feed their families nutritious food!It is clever, snicky and easy to do!

I'm also loving my coffee every morning. We combine Starbucks Espresso Roast with House Blend. So yummy...it adds a great caramel flavor. Good job honey! BUT I am a huge fan of Starbucks Christmas blend. I look forward to it all year. Even they guy the runs our Starbucks on campus knows and shows me when the shipment arrives. It actually brought tears to my eyes on Sunday because I got to have my first cup on on my way to church. There is something about the blend that just suits me.
Okay, so the computer underlined that phrase all on its own...must be the Holy Spirit adding emphasis. But I do love it!

I also simply love the pictures and art work in the book. It is a spiral rung book so it lays open nicely lies flat! In general I love it!
My husband also replaced my camera that was run over. It is the same camera I had before but the newer model..I love the Cannon Power Shot Camera! I love this new feature that is called "accent" . We are having tons of fun with it as a family. It pulls one accent color from the background and highlights it in the picture. Fun stuff! I love it!

Victory's Cry

2007-11-07T10:23:00.001-06:00

For two weeks now we have been giving breathing treatments every two hours. We have sucked more mucus that I care to describe. We have worked tirelessly to arrive at the point today where she is currently only breathing room air and is is breathing easily. She is producing some good coughs every few hours and we gave her no breathing treatments throughout the night last night. If you have never given any breathing treatments the picture to the left will mean nothing to you but if you have this is a three days worth of breathing treatment trash. Each one of these is one breathing treatment. Like empty casings scattered on a battle field. This is what remains of the battle fought in the bedroom of our little warrior Regan. Thankfully this battle we seem to have won.

This morning our family said a prayer of praise to God. We promised each other a long time ago that we would praise Him no matter what but this morning our hearts of full of joy because he has strengthened Regan yet again to defeat what seemed to be the impossible. As a matter of fact we praised Him because He strengthened us which at times felt impossible too! We have all witnessed yet another sermon on how with God all things are possible.

Someday Regan will lose a battle. I think about what that blog entry will say sometimes. About how that might be a tough battle for me to stick to my vow and praise Him in that moment too. But this morning I remember that I can be full of joy because the true reality that Jesus has already won the war. So I ask you today to praise Him with us. Would you do as Jesus asked and rejoice with those who are rejoicing. We can't all feast together which is what I want to do...throw a big party and celebrate. But will you do something today to celebrate...maybe drink a latte'...eat some pie...have a coke....I don't know what it is for you but say a prayer of thanksgiving and celebrate that the this battle and the ulitmate war is won! ps I took this picture this morning ...it blesses me to see her face free from O2..how about you?

Things that comfort me

2007-11-04T11:16:00.000-06:00

This morning Regan and I are home by ourselves. Brian is teaching Sunday School at West Side Christian Church in Springfield, IL Ryder and Rylee went to church. Regan is still struggling with her breathing so she, I and Moby staying home. So we have been discussing some great truths that connect us to the body. We decided that these things bring us great comfort.

That one day all people will confess Jesus. What a day that will be! All people every nation, who claim many different languages, through out all time in history will confess Jesus. Even people who on earth did not have the ability to talk! We long for that gathering. Come Lord Jesus come!

All the struggle will be over. Creation will have the rest of it's redemption and will rest. This week I am tired so I long for a day when fatigue will be no more. I think Regan will be glad not to have to work so hard for a single breathe. She is doing better than she was. Praise God for that. We continue to do breathing treatments around the clock though we are adding in some breaks here and there. Mostly we are practicing our trust in God do sustain her by His power. I will say that I am continually amazed by her. She is so strong. I am a total wimp. She and Ryder had some snuggle time yesterday. It was good for both of them.

Okay back to the topic of the day...Jesus is close to those who are afflicted. So though this struggle is difficult he is near to us. What would we do without that. What a treasure to have HIM near us. We understand Jesus more when we struggle. Since He struggled with Joy. We understand how difficult that must be. I also believed God's heart is tender and so He heart of comfort is revealed in struggle.

Although my heart wonders from God's truth and God never wonder's from us. Although friends and family call to check in on how things are going. God knows. He doesn't have to read the blog to get an update. This makes my heart sing. I've been thinking about that a lot this week. I've been home a lot and when I set down to pray. I take a breathe and begin to share my heart with God's and I feel the Spirit say to me..."Child where do you think I have been?" So I express my heart because the experiences in days like these do a number on my heart....so I get set straight when I let his Spirit set me right.n Thank you for your presence Lord.

Although the Mills are stuck at home we always make time for fun. So I planned a FUNdo night last night and I though you might enjoy some pics of that. Fondue us great for Rylee because she is getting used to her new expander in her mouth! Round one was grilled chicken, broccoli, green apples, bread and mushrooms with cheesy fondue. Round two was chocolate fondue...no marshmellows this time because they are too sticky but they loved the cream puffs and bananas!

Our little Yoda

2007-11-01T11:03:00.000-05:00

Our family host's a Halloween party every year. I know many of you do not celebrate because of the evil but we have made the choice to know that This is the day the Lord has made and We rejoice and are glad in it. We love to dress up so we go for it!. So last night in the midst of breathing treatements and suction we had 25 people over. Here are all the kids dressed up and ready to hit the neighborhood. We love our neighbors so we look forward to it every year. We also eat together and each family brings information about a saint. A saint is someone who believes in Jesus. Each family either tell us about their saint or acts out a skit about it. It is great to learn about our brothers and sisters in Christ through out history who have took a bold stand for Christ. Here is a picture of the mom's that worked hard to get costumes together and make yummy food. Tesha, Jennifer, Me, Cindy and Shannon are all important people in my life. They all are those friends who I call on for lots of things in my life. I look forward to this night all year because of the sweet fellowship we all share.
Tesha and Jennifer live in the country and have to neighbors to Trick or Treat at and Cindy lives in my neighborhood and Shannon well she is just always invited.

Our kids decided to be Star Wars people this year. Ryder is Luke, Rylee Leia and Regan Yoda. They looked great. Thanks Nana for helping us make our costumes again this year! You rock! Regan continues to struggle to breathe. We are doing breathing treatments every two hours. She had big attack last night after everyone had gone home. She is better today. Please continue to pray for her breathing. We are trusting God that each day is in His plan. He knows what it will hold. We trust that what He has called us to He will equip us for. He just have to walk in the courage and boldness to DO it for Him.. On an added side note. My sweet husband let me sleep in until 7:20 this morning. He made the kids lunches and handled all the morning stuff so I could sleep from 2:30 to 6:30 with out interruption. Now that is love! Not the flowers and chocolate kind but really unconditional selfless love. I am so blessed my him everyday but today was special.

Quick Update

2007-10-30T12:50:00.000-05:00

Well Regan is still not better...her is a recap of the last few days. So we went on an antibiotic for UTI...she also has E-coli in her gut...not the kind that kills you but it is a serious infection. This infection has also caused pulmonary issues. So she is working really hard to take every breathe. This is very difficult to watch...down right scary at times. We aren't for sure if it is officially pneumonia because our primary care physician has not called us back from the X ray we took YESTERDAY at noon! BUT either way the antibiotic she is one will handle all three of these issues. As of noon today she has been fever free for 24 hours for the first time in five days. We are hoping she will start to improve. We are giving her breathing treatments every two hours around the clock so pray for our strength because we are not getting a lot of sleep at one time. Mostly pray for her. I will update more on Wednesday.

Down, Down, Down...

2007-10-26T22:24:00.001-05:00

Well, yesterday I took Regan for some tests to be run. Today my Mom and I took her in to the doctor to get the test results...she has a urinary tract infection. So she is on an antibiotic to cure that and the fever has been up and DOWN but mostly down. I thank you all for praying. I am sure that as the prayers went up the healing flowed DOWN.

The rain came DOWN all day today. I must have had a brain fart because I straitened my hair today...which means it didn't stay strait. ARRRRR.

My Mom and Dad headed back DOWN to Oklahoma today. We are so glad they were here. Above is a picture of Regan and my Mom. Aren't they pretty. I know my Mom looks so good! I claim those genes in Jesus name. Below is a picture of the head board and pillows we made. The details are hard to see in this picture but you can get the general idea. They are such a blessing to me. Mr Albert in Mary Poppins in right when he says "leaving is the saddest thing I ever heard."
Ryder had his first school dance tonight so he had fun getting DOWN with all his friends. He said it was typical most of the boys were "too cool" to dance but he wasn't. He fast danced and slow danced with all his friends. No body tried to kiss him so that was a great relief to me.

While Ryder and Brian were gone tonight the girls and I snuggled down on the couch and watched my favorite movie Mary Poppins. Rylee and I each took turns holding Regan while we held each others hand. Sweet times....Rylee and I decided when we breathe in Regan it just calms us DOWN!

Pretty in Pink (and brown)

2007-10-25T09:28:00.001-05:00

This picture was taken last week...Rylee and Kim Terashita so I thought I would post it....Regan looks so sweet in her brown and pink!

My folks are here this week. We having been making Halloween costumes....Luke for Ryder, Leia for Rylee, and Yoda for Regan. I am sure you will see pictures of this next week. We also made pillows and a headboard for my bed. Papa made stew to put in the freezer for the kids to have this winter for lunch. So we have been busy. It is great to have them here. Their presence is a blessing.
Yesterday my mom and I took Regan to the doctor in Springfield so here is the update. She has lost a pound. This is frustrating because I thought she was gaining. We are increasing her calories again so hopefully that will help.
She still has a pretty large kidney stone in one kidney but otherwise better than three months ago. We are just watching to see what she does in regards to this.
The biggest news and prayer point for today is that last night she started fevering. This is never good because kids with Regan's disorder don't need to be stressed out by a fever. So, right now I am waiting to hear back from the doctor to see what she wants to do. Could you please pray? I know you do....but today I want to ask for God to show us what is wrong with Regan to cause a fever and that He would make it better. We are hoping for a urine test and finger stick to check her blood counts to see if there is an infection in her body. Ultimately the LORD knows her full well...He makes her well. So would you pray a prayer in faith for Him to do just that. I'll update more when I have more.

"And the prayer offered in faith will make a sick person well; the Lord will raise him up." James 5:15

An Autum Ramble

2007-10-18T11:16:00.001-05:00

The last few days I have really enjoyed listening to the wind blow in the trees. The sound of my dog barking at the squirrels that are working so hard to prepare for the winter freeze. I hear them while I am in the kitchen as they run on my neighbors garage roof. I hear the acorns drop to the ground. My days are quiet. The sounds of Fall make a harmony to the steady sounds of Regan's breathing and the rotation of her feeding pump. This is the sound track of my day. I love people and all the life they bring but I find with age I also love silence. The peace of knowing I am hearing only what God wants me to hear. That somehow HE is teaching me something IN what I hear. It is almost as if the trees say "shhhhh listen." Often my early mornings are crazy because of getting the kids off to school and my afternoon's and evening even louder and busier because with the return of the children comes noise. I love their noises but sometimes I need peace. Fall has been one of the joys of living in Illinois. Dallas didn't have the same beauty as Fall in the north has.

As I listen to the wind it reminds me that change is coming. I am a fan of Summer because of the the joy of that season but I feel most at home in Fall.

I love pumpkin in all forms. I love to look at them, eat there meat, hold them in my hands, eat their seeds...what a hardly veggie a pumpkin is. So amazing. My parents always visit in October so it is one of my happiest weeks because I love to be with them. I love who they are. I want to be who they raised me to be. I love the anticipation of Holiday's and Fall if full of that. I love to wear vests...I have a navy one that was probably made in the 1970's. It is the kind you picture on a farmer; slick and puffy. Not as glamorous as the modern day puffy vest. I bought it last year at the Mission Mart here in town. I have a story in my mind that my Grandpa LR would have worn a vest like this. I picture him in my mind when I put it on. I see him driving in his teal farming truck toodling down the dusty road that ran in front of my Grandparents farm house. And in my mind he is wearing this vest. It has a tear on the pocket and I think it happened while working He was working on a fence. (remember this story is completely made up but I do these things to keep myself entertained) When I wear it I think of him. I miss him since he lives with Jesus now. I also love soup. Sometime we can eat it three times a week in the Fall. So warm, so filling, so practical because it is all in one bowl. I love the pace of Fall...I feel my heart want to slow down..anticipating winter's hibernation. Yet there is the work of harvest time too....just plain ole practical work that must be done...the play of summer is really over...Fall is here..time to get ready. My heart is full of praise to the ONE who spoke this into being....He made it up...I wonder if it was a story in His divine Mind before he spoke into being. All of this that we know wasn't and then He made it to be.

"I will thank the Lord with all my heart; I will declare all Your wonderful works. I will rejoice and boast about You; I will sing about Your name Most High." Ps 9:1-2

Friendship with Jesus

2007-10-11T11:45:00.000-05:00

Do you ever have seasons in your life where you feel a distance from God but you can't figure out why.....I think I am in one of those. I have been meditating on what it is to be a friend of God. I must admit I have always wanted to be "a friend." I've always wanted to be on the inside track...I like to be liked by most people. I love my friends a lot and I love to BE a good friend. So I've been focusing my thoughts lately about how I want to be a friend of God's....not just a Christ follower but a friend like in John 15:14 where Jesus says "You are my friend if you do what I command."

It sorta sounds like second grade girls on the playground doesn't it? "I won't be your friend if you don't jump rope with me." A little like Nellie Olsen from Little House (which is a bit of an addiction; Ma is one of my hero/mentor's...sad but true...sad but true). So scripture tells us that not all followers of Jesus are his friends. So my human nature comes in line with the Christ in me and I want to be counted among the friends. I heard it said recently (maybe Beth Moore or maybe JK Jones or maybe both in different ways ) sat that "When you adopt the interest of God you are a friend of God." Of course obedience isn't enough because a slave can do what is said but we are not slaves but chosen for relationship. This is deeper than what Nellie was striving for...she just wanted to control....Jesus isn't dysfunctional in anyway. He seems to want us to remain IN Him...remain in His Love...produce fruit from His love. (John 15)

I liken this to a marriage relationship...this deep friendship where I take on the interest of Brian because I love him...so I love what He loves....his job...his friends...his shows...his family....his stresses...his worries....his passions.....his wounds....his joys.....I adopt his interests because I love him. That is how I remain in him...remain in love with him...all of this is a product of our love...a sweet friendship.

This effort and friendship bridges the gap of distance, busyness, fatigue, stress, sin.....just like an excellent friend married or not you haven't talked to in a while...you pick right up. Because you have a history that is deep. I am thankful for friends like these....I'm thankful that Jesus is willing to call me friend....I am so glad that He took on my interest at the cross. What a wonderful Saviour we have in Him. "No one has greater love than this, that someone would lay down his life for his friends." (John 15:11) This is friendship.....I'm so glad he walks His talk...makes he way less Nellie like doesn't it. Be blessed today!

Just a few quick updates.......ryder is in romeo and Juliet this weekend...exciting. Our dear friends the Terashita's are coming to watch...exciting... My parents come next week...exciting...we are entering the holiday season....which is very exciting....
Regan is doing better...please pray for her seizures which are very strong and long right now....oh and this is NOT exciting.

So Blessed!

2007-10-04T12:47:00.001-05:00

Well, Rylee did turn 9 with Style!
We love this picture of her!. She and I wore our Twinkie shirt dresses! We love to plan and have parties. She wants to thank everyone for their sweet comments...oh so fun...so so good to be built up in the Lord!

I wanted to send an update on Regan....she is more alert than she has been. She is on an antibiotic so it seems to be helping. Thanks for your prayers about here. I know that the Holy Spirit is always informing us and prompting us to pray in certain ways.

Before I posted the email about Regan last week I got three different calls or emails wondering how she was and feeling the burden to pray....Praise God that the Holy Spirit doesn't need a blog update to bring His people to pray. As I write tears come to my eyes as I reflect on how God uses His body to minister to each other in so many ways. I am so glad that He has taken us into Himself, Blessed us in Christ, and then brakes us to be given to the world as a blessing....I thank God each time of think of this truth and each time I think of you.

Our Rylee is 9!

2007-09-27T14:44:00.001-05:00

Monday is Rylee's Birthday.

First, Rylee is a comforter. I believe with all my heart that the Lord has uniquely gifted Rylee to bring is comfort to others. She just makes you feel better. Right now Ryder can't sleep unless he sleeps in Rylee's room. He says the he just feels closer to everybody when he is in her room. She is the one who will sit with you when you get hurt on the playground. She is the one that will listen while you retell your story. Doesn't everyone need compassion? In her listening and being with she is comforting.
"He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us." 1 Cor. 1:4

Rylee is fun! We call her the FUN FUN girl! She love to laugh and play. She is like her daddy in that way. Her laugh is infectious..her humor is on spot...what a joy to have her in our life. When she reads to me in the afternoon she make the story so interesting because she is in no hurry to get done so she makes it fun to listen to. Recently when Brian was at a college retreat for ISU he was telling about how she is so girly but also loves buger and fart jokes like a junior high boy. So, when Rylee went out to the retreat the next day this college boy kept farting in front of her to get her to laugh...she didn't according to her "because I don't even know him...I try to save that for people I know. We are so glad she is the life of our party.
"Laugh with your happy friends when they are happy; share tears when they are down" Romans " Romans 12:15

Rylee is make to mother....or maybe sometimes even smother. Rylee is a lover. I have said since she was two that someday she will have a 15 passenger van full of children. We knew she needed to be big sister to get practice for all the people she would need take care of. She loves to hug and hold and carry anyone who will let her...and even sometimes when they don't. I don't really know what God is going to do with her but I know that she sees the heart of God for those who can not or will not speak for themselves. That is really what a mother does...advocate...advocate for Jesus, for their child, for what is right......
"Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of the poor and needy." Proverbs 31:8

Rylee is just a good friend. She always has a friend over or whats to be with someone. She has good friends because she is a good friend. At her birthday party this year she has girls coming that range in age from 7-11. That is Rylee....and her friend...not bound to age but all girls who are lovers of God....which makes Rylee love them back. Right now I can't be Rylee's friend because I have to be her mother...but I look forward to a time when she is much older when we can be friends....I look forward to her companionship in that way...I will always be her mother but someday we can add friend to that list!
"A friend loves at all times; and a brother is born for adversity" Proverbs 17:17

Regan Update

2007-09-26T10:08:00.001-05:00

Hello everyone.....this is just a quick update and a request for prayer. I have no idea why this is underlining but maybe the computer knows this needs emphasis. I don't list prayer concerns a lot but it is heavy on my heart today to have you pray.

Regan is very tired....We miss her a lot. So would you please pray for her to have more awake time. She is more awake than she was but still too much.....

Also she is having a lot of mucus.... and coughing...I guess like allergy type issues. Would you pray for her strength and our alertness.

Thanks for all your prayer....I'll write more this weekend when I have more time. Right now she is watching Price is Right...she smiles at all the sounds. It makes me happy because my Granny used to love Price is Right.....she must have passed that gene on.

This is Lil Regan's afternoon friend...otherwise known as Ryder's nanny....This picture was taken in May. Those are the eyes we want back. Hey looks the underlining went away!

Patience

2007-09-19T10:36:00.000-05:00

Our family has a tradition of reading a Proverb every weekday morning. We have done this since Ryder was in Kindergarten in various forms and to various levels of success. This year we all meet at the table at 7am to read it together and so Dad can pray with us before we get going our separate ways for the day. I love Proverbs for many reasons but one of them is that they are so simple because they are written for youth. He says in Proverbs 1:1-4 "The proverbs of Solomon, son of David, king of Israel; for attaining wisdom and discipline; for understanding worlds of insight; for acquiring a discipline and a prudent life, for what is right and just and fair, for giving prudence to the simple, knowledge and discretion to the young-" So for that I think all children should have the Proverbs read to them. It was one book of the Bible written directly for them. It also gives them a place to understand Biblical worldview because the Proverbs give metaphors, riddles, and parables to teach God's truth. This teaches them to look for God's wisdom in all things. There are things that are true about the world because God says so....like lying is bad, helping the poor puts us on God's side, laziness in not godly, we are responsible for our actions, arguing is uncalled for...it just gives us practical ways to live like God wants us to. I love them because they are easily applied to our everyday life. (I secretly want to write a family devotional guide from them someday....shhhhh don't tell!)
Our Proverb for today was... Proverbs 19:11 A man's wisdom gives him patience, it is to his glory to overlook an offense. It really has spoken to me today because it reminded me we have patience when we are wise. A small child has no patience because they have no wisdom. They don't understand that they have to wait for anything because everything should happen now. Yet we see with God he is so patient. He has a long long term vision. He looks past actions to the heart of the situation. He is understand that we learn a lot along the way. He is after all the holder of wisdom and understanding. It reminds me of the Israelites and how God saved them from the hand Pharaoh. Remember all God did to free them. He called Moses, 10 plagues, splitting the Red Sea and they crossed on dry ground...then he leads them by fire and by a cloud. and yet they were rebellious and impatient. Dt 1:32-33 "In spite of all of this you did not trust in the Lord your God who went ahead of you on your journey in fire by night and in cloud by day to search out places for you to camp and show you the way you should go."
They had short term vision
All they could see is the present situation
They didn't not see the point of the current struggle they were in.
They thought they knew everything.
I can't keep from thinking....A man's wisdom gives him patience."

It also reminds me of ME! I am not always patient. I lose wisdom when I lose my patience.
I forget all HE has done.
I take the trust that belongs to him and place it on other people
I take to much stock in what I can do on my own.
I think that I know too much.....thank God he is patient with me!

I am probably more patient than I used to be but less than I should be. So I guess need to wise up and admit I too am a child and need to apply another Proverb (1:5) "let the wise listen and add to their learning." Just like it is wide for a child to listen to their father/mother because they know something more than you know. They see more than you see as a child....make me like this Lord...make me like this!