My Thanksgiving Ramble

It is funny how memory works. I was recently talking with a friend. She was describing how her young daughter had to be tested for the flu. She was sharing about how traumatizing the testing was because they had to stick a tube down her nose into her throat to get mucus to test for flu. I was agreeing with her about how bad that is because we had to do this to Regan multiple times a day. Regan hated it too.

I was sharing this story with Brian and we were talking to each other about how when we think about Regan we don't think about suction, breathing treatments, or sleepless nights....we mostly remember her. It has been a while since we really thought about suction. Since we thought about the sound it makes and the face it made her make. Our heart and soul remember her sweet smell, her fun faces, her laughter, her cooing, her peaceful presence, her hair, her reminder of hope.

I find myself very sad the past few weeks. I know that I am not as thankful this year as the last. I want Regan with us. I miss her so bad it hurts. I am really tired of feeling this way. I have always loved the line in the John Meyer song that says, "I can't wait to say, this is the way that I used to be." I know that this deep pain will not last for ever. There will be a Thanksgiving that I feel thankful again. BUT the only way to get to that place is to be present in the place you are....and honestly I feel sad because it is sad. Just like I had to chose to glad on the thanksgivings when we were hauling a van full medical supplies to Indiana or Kansas because I was so glad have Regan in my life. So I refused to complain then because I knew this thanksgiving would come. I knew that some day out in the future there would be a gap in my life because Regan would die. So I made that chose to be happy with her and to be sad later. Later has come. I never wanted her to know it was hard. I know she knew because I have never been good at hiding the way I feel.

This year I am thankful for Jesus in new ways. I've never liked prayers that thank him for what I have. It sounds so much like the prayer of the Pharisee who thanked God he was not a woman or a gentile. When we thank God for what we have often it is because we see others who have not and we are glad we are not them. Don't get me wrong we should always be thankful but I think it should be deeper than that. The truth is we could have nothing but Jesus and it would be enough. Sometimes we say Jesus is enough. But it is really Jesus plus ______________ (my family, my husband, my really great devotional Bible, my service, my guilt, my friends, my education, my extended family, my country, my president, my house, my cute decorations, my bonus check, the gifts I can buy....).....But this year I am trying to simply be thankful for Jesus. I am checking my heart to see if I mean it. Is He really all I need? I want to grow and let go of what holds me back from loving Him like I should. To simply be thankful because of Jesus. To be thankful because Jesus paid it all.

It's Just the Little Things

When you loose something precious to you it seems that little things become increasingly important. You find out just how important the little things are. They seems to stand out more.Like being home. I like it here. I love the little things about it. It is nothing fancy but I love it. I have always wanted my home to be a place my husband and children love to come in to and are a little sad to leave. Mostly because I want it to be a haven for them. A place where they are encouraged, listened to and know that they belong. I want our home to be a place of peace. Lately I have been thinking about how much I love to come in my home and am sad when I have to leave it. We also got a new roof this summer. I didn't want to spend the money but I love that we literally have put a roof over our families head....a basic need that I sometimes take for granted. My parents recently came to visit us for a week. I Sometimes can forget just how great they are. They love me. They simply want to be with me. We don't even have to talk. They serve people in their life with love. I am one of those people. They make me want to be a better parent when I am with them. I love them. They come every year at this time. They don't have to but they choose to. What a gift.
This is my Regan plant. It is huge. This entire plant came from one little seed. I planted 12 seeds in a variety of colors. Only one bloomed and it was in the same spot as the one Regan gave me last year for Mothers day. It made me happy all summer. It is just a plant but it reminds me of her. It died over night one day last week. I went from looking like this to completely brown. Amazing. I love it because it's beauty is shocking and unexpectedly breath taking. Any color could have shot up here in this spot and I would have been happy...but God gave me pink..the same color Regan gave me. God takes my breath away.Lastly, I love my tomato plants. I took them out while my mom was here but early in the fall I made this yummy Tomato Basil Soup from scratch. I grew the tomatoes and the basil. We all loved it. It makes me happy when I can grow things and then find yummy ways to eat them. It makes me feel like Ma (Laura's mom...from "Little House on the Prairie") My mom just told someone when she was here visiting that it is still sometimes funny to her that I am domestic. I am glad I can still make her proud. Lastly, I love these too. I love the way they challenge me. Rylee easily tells me what she wants. "I want you to tuck me in!" Okay...I will! I wish I could just say what I want. She also told me one night before bedtime prayers that she doesn't like to cry about Regan being dead because Jesus wants us to be glad for what we DO have and not sad or wanting what we don't. Lesson learned Rylee, Thanks! Ryder recently wrote another poem...it is simple but true.

There once was a beautiful little bird. But the bird couldn't fly. There was a boy who loved the bird. He took care of her and protected her. There was something he could do nothing against. It was called Time, and it got away from him. He thought the sickly baby bird would someday fly. And she did, one night when Time caught up with them. And the baby bird flew for the first time. But it few away from the boy and even though he tried to hold on , he knew she couldn't stay.

These simple children remind me that my faith must be simple too. Sometimes I make complex. Christ longs for me to keep it simple. They remind me to ask my self simple questions about my journey with God. Their belief in God impacts the way they live....yet it is simple. I see it in the little things like poems and confessions before bedtime prayers. All these things stir my heart to love God more......