Thursday, September 24, 2009

Maturity

This morning I decided I needed to sort a section of my craft/game closet. This is also were I keep photos. So of course this sent me crying. These were photos from the last couple years or so. I put them in order and was filing them away. Crying all along. One of the things that is difficult is that my older to have changed from this...these were both taken the day of Regan's viewing here in Lincoln. (On a side note...we love our little joy baby Liam~! he is my nephew!)
To this...They grew up. Now they are not all the way grown up by any means but there physical changes are a refection of what her death has caused in their emotions and souls. In Harry Potter there are the animals that no one can see unless you have seen someone die. I think it is true that there is something that happens to you, that changes the way you see and experience the world when you are present at some one's death. We all grew up that day. My life is changed. I will never be the same nor to I want to be. Death is nothing like you think it will be....much more difficult than I ever imagined. Our relationship with each other changed...it grew deeper with each other because of this experience and our "getting on with it" afterwards...I am glad that God was with us...He wasn't asleep, He wasn't distracted, He wasn't preoccupied, He wasn't busy, He didn't have better things to do. He didn't need to be invited in..He just IS! He is the One maturing us into the likeness of His Son. Making us grow up and not be spiritual babies anymore. Praise God that HE WAS! He IS! and HE WILL BE!

So today I am thankful that physical changes aren't all that we have to count on. God promises us that He can do more than we imagine that HE can. I am trusting that He is making us more like our Big Brother Jesus everyday...in insight, depth of wisdom, understanding....this is what I desire....make us all more like You God!

Friday, September 11, 2009

Grief is Strange

Rylee is missing Regan and she doesn't even realize what she is doing. This week she has started wearing a bow in her hair everyday. These are all Regan's bows of course. She has also started using baby lotion. We always used Baby lotion on Regan. So it smells like "her" to us. This morning both her and Ryder are in the bathroom slathering it on! Both of these things are strange because they are teenagers. She also drew me the sweetest picture of what she called her "happy" picture. I am standing at the door when an apron on and she and Regan are playing under our tree. In this picture Regan is in her chair and Rylee has a jump rope in her hand. It made me cry. All of this does actually because I find these bows everywhere, so I am constantly putting them back in Regan's closet. This was not uncommon when Regan was alive but a bit strange now. This along with smelling Regan everywhere because my other kids now smell like her is causing my brain to be confused! To top it all off last week I found one of Regan's socks in our clean laundry. I am standing at the table folding a load of laundry before school and low and behold there is a Regan sock in there. Dryers eat socks and sometimes spit them back out I guess.

I just keep leaning in and keep trying to navigate through these strange waters of grief.