Saturday was Regan's Birthday.....It is really still difficult to call it a Happy day. Rylee and I driving the day before and she said, "I just want Saturday to be Happy like it was when Regan was alive." I told her that I understood that but that it is hard to be happy because Regan is with Jesus now and not with us. She said she knew but she just didn't want to be sad. I told her I would work on it....maybe we could just be happy because Regan was born....I often call or write people on their birthday to tell them just that "Glad you were born!"
People sent flowers, cards, friends brought art supplies for St John's, Brian's family gave us a hope chest, my family visited her grave and put flowers there, so gave us gifts, we had a party...we watched home video, cried and kids played. One of my neighbors thought it was Rylee's birthday...He seemed surprised when I told him it was Regan's. Brian and I cried a lot. We miss her. We are disappointed that we have to talk about her in the past tense. Regan has received her reward....we are still waiting...It is painful to wait. I am thankful God's hope does not disappoint.
I am so glad that Regan Faith Mills was born. She was born on the first day of Summer. Summer is the season of Life.....even in her death she is teaching us how to live! She impacts me everyday. I am different because of her. She was used by God to make me more like him. I have been thinking about the love and devotion of our God to look on us with mercy through giving us Regan Faith. This was His will...not what I would have asked for but exactly what I wanted. I just didn't know because I am so limited. God used her life and testimony to inspire me to be more like Jesus by relying less on my own strength and to lean into Him for it. He used Regan to teach me pace. I am a doer and a goer.....the pace of life I used to lead was unholy...She slowed me down. This created space for me to be more aware of God's presence than I used to be. I am gentler....I am more passionate about God and His kingdom. He used her to teach me to stand firm in God's truth. To trust Him all the way.....To know He is Faithful.
The words to a great song say:
"He leadeth me O blessed thought! O words with heavenly comfort thought! What ere I do where er I be Still tils God's hand that leadeth me. And when my task on earth is done when by the grace of victory won. In death's cold wave I will not flee, Since God through Jordan leadeth me. He leadth me He leadeth me, by his own hand he leadeth me. His faithful follower I would be for by His hand he leadeth me.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
A few pics
I thought I would update with a few pics....First big thing is Rylee got her expander out and her braces off....She looks so old.
Here are the kids with their dad before church on father's day....at Starbucks....So cool..So glad they are mine.
Brian also got his sushi for Father's Day. Happy Dad....happy family.
Rylee with Kohen...Julie's baby....A baby sitter in the making...He seems to like her. He must now she loves Regan too!
Here are the kids with their dad before church on father's day....at Starbucks....So cool..So glad they are mine.
Brian also got his sushi for Father's Day. Happy Dad....happy family.
Rylee with Kohen...Julie's baby....A baby sitter in the making...He seems to like her. He must now she loves Regan too!
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Eavesdropping
The greatest gift I ever received outside of the Grace of God, that I live and breathe in each day, is my husband. The greatest gift he ever gave me is to let me be a stay at home mom. In the last eight weeks (we think we are a lot like a newly dating couple...honoring each week like it is a silver anniversary..I don't know that Wednesdays will ever be the same.) ...anyway In the last eight weeks I have never been so great full for this gift of mothering Regan Faith Mills. The first few days after she died I just kept saying "Thank you" to Brian for giving me this gift of being a "domestic engineer." I know he thinks he missed so much each day while he was at work but while he sacrificed and worked I got the joy of taking care of all three of my children but in the last few years it has just me Me and Regs. I had help but I was still the one primarily with her each day. I have very few regrets thus far in raising my children. One thing that helps is that I have been with them...I have been the gate keeper....all of this made possible by our supporting sponsor B. Mills.
Now I have to clarify because I am NOT trying to say that women who work are wrong. I think in some cases Mom's who work make better mom's because work increases their capacity to mother. Some of my dearest and closest friends work outside the home.....some part time, some full time...Their children are great. They are great mother's and their husbands work just as hard as mine. I know when this is a hot button issue. I am not a person who thinks that because I do it this way all people should. I think the grace of God is huge. I think his path for us on the narrow way makes room for holy diversity...
Now back to my heart of gratitude. Each day when Brian would leave for work he would go in and spend a few minutes with Regan by himself. He would kiss her on her head and talk to her....I don't know what he said because he was by himself. I know he kissed her because I could hear it on the baby monitor. I know he talked to her because that too I could hear it on the baby monitor. Then he would come to the kitchen and kiss me good-bye and I would say "Go change the World...I'll stay here and change diapers!" This sounds like I felt like I am bitter about staying home bu I am not...changing my kids diapers is changing the world in my opinion. As he would call me throughout the day to check on Regan he often said how leaving her was very hard on his heart. He wanted to be with her. This was the reality of our life.
I know that walking out the door each day is still one of the hardest moments of Brian's day. He has no one to go kiss on the head and talk to before work. I miss eavesdropping on the whole event. I have yet been able to say "Go change the world....because I'm not changing diapers anymore.....I guess the one thing that is the same is that his heart is missing her....just NOW more than ever. This is the new reality of our life.
Most people don't know this but Sunday's were Brian and Regan's day. Before we moved to Lincoln getting the kids ready and to church was always my responsibility. Since he worked for the church he got their early. So I like lots of mom's around the world...got my kids up and to church by myself. Brian didn't even know where their Sunday School classes were. However our move to Lincoln changed all that. We were able to get ready together, drive in the same care together, set together in Sunday School and church each week. Brian asked if He could have the responsibility of Regan during church. It was his gift of me. He sat by her and if she needed a diaper change or had a seizure or if she was crying he would take care of it. If she couldn't go to church he would stay home with her so I could go. He even got her dressed and ready for church. I loved to listen to him do that on the baby monitors too! The sounds of the two of them interacting with each other was music to my ears. She had strong vocal reactions to her daddy. He was great at giving her "rub downs" with baby lotion. She always looked great but she especially looked great on Sundays...all this made possible by the loving support of B.Mill..Regan's daddy. Now he doesn't get to take care of her during church. This is a painful just like walking out the door with out her but it is the new reality of our life.
Father's Day is this weekend. We will celebrate by eating Sushi with Brian. I am so thankful to God that he saw fit to give me Brian Mills as a husband and to be the father of my kids. Brian is faithful. He is a faithful husband, dad, friend, employee, and man of God. He a model of integrity. Their has never been one moment I have been ashamed of something he has done. I am so glad I get to eavesdrop on his fathering.....even if we don't need baby monitors anymore. He spurs me to be a better mom by being all Christ wants me to be...to live up to the calling of Christ...to use my gifts and passions for God. This has been and always will be the reality of my life.
Now I have to clarify because I am NOT trying to say that women who work are wrong. I think in some cases Mom's who work make better mom's because work increases their capacity to mother. Some of my dearest and closest friends work outside the home.....some part time, some full time...Their children are great. They are great mother's and their husbands work just as hard as mine. I know when this is a hot button issue. I am not a person who thinks that because I do it this way all people should. I think the grace of God is huge. I think his path for us on the narrow way makes room for holy diversity...
Now back to my heart of gratitude. Each day when Brian would leave for work he would go in and spend a few minutes with Regan by himself. He would kiss her on her head and talk to her....I don't know what he said because he was by himself. I know he kissed her because I could hear it on the baby monitor. I know he talked to her because that too I could hear it on the baby monitor. Then he would come to the kitchen and kiss me good-bye and I would say "Go change the World...I'll stay here and change diapers!" This sounds like I felt like I am bitter about staying home bu I am not...changing my kids diapers is changing the world in my opinion. As he would call me throughout the day to check on Regan he often said how leaving her was very hard on his heart. He wanted to be with her. This was the reality of our life.
I know that walking out the door each day is still one of the hardest moments of Brian's day. He has no one to go kiss on the head and talk to before work. I miss eavesdropping on the whole event. I have yet been able to say "Go change the world....because I'm not changing diapers anymore.....I guess the one thing that is the same is that his heart is missing her....just NOW more than ever. This is the new reality of our life.
Most people don't know this but Sunday's were Brian and Regan's day. Before we moved to Lincoln getting the kids ready and to church was always my responsibility. Since he worked for the church he got their early. So I like lots of mom's around the world...got my kids up and to church by myself. Brian didn't even know where their Sunday School classes were. However our move to Lincoln changed all that. We were able to get ready together, drive in the same care together, set together in Sunday School and church each week. Brian asked if He could have the responsibility of Regan during church. It was his gift of me. He sat by her and if she needed a diaper change or had a seizure or if she was crying he would take care of it. If she couldn't go to church he would stay home with her so I could go. He even got her dressed and ready for church. I loved to listen to him do that on the baby monitors too! The sounds of the two of them interacting with each other was music to my ears. She had strong vocal reactions to her daddy. He was great at giving her "rub downs" with baby lotion. She always looked great but she especially looked great on Sundays...all this made possible by the loving support of B.Mill..Regan's daddy. Now he doesn't get to take care of her during church. This is a painful just like walking out the door with out her but it is the new reality of our life.
Father's Day is this weekend. We will celebrate by eating Sushi with Brian. I am so thankful to God that he saw fit to give me Brian Mills as a husband and to be the father of my kids. Brian is faithful. He is a faithful husband, dad, friend, employee, and man of God. He a model of integrity. Their has never been one moment I have been ashamed of something he has done. I am so glad I get to eavesdrop on his fathering.....even if we don't need baby monitors anymore. He spurs me to be a better mom by being all Christ wants me to be...to live up to the calling of Christ...to use my gifts and passions for God. This has been and always will be the reality of my life.
Wednesday, June 04, 2008
Better Place
Sometimes I just have things I need to say. These things can come from all kinds of reasons but I just feel better when I say them.
1) I realized today while I was at my friend Laura's that her house was the last outing that Regan had besides riding the the ambulance and going into the hospital. Today I got to set in Laura's living room. I hadn't remembered that until today. Rylee actually remembered it. We also remembered Regan's diaper leaked pee on Laura's floor. Very funny memory....maybe not for Laura's floor. So we missed her today. I know Laura's dog misses her....she always loved to jump up on the coffee table and put her front paws on Regan's lap and smell Regan. I liked Regan's smell too.
2) Yesterday I found some of Regan's old school work. Ryder and Rylee and I were organizing their work and of course we ran into some of Regan's. I look forward to hanging some of it up in her room. There are only a few of these because most of them Julie did for Regan. However some painting projects Reg's could do. I remembered how Regan would come home with blue or green hands and I would get freaked out for a few seconds because I thought something happened to her hand. This art reminds me that Regan used to be alive. Now she isn't. I liked it better when she was.
3) Yesterday we had the tornado siren go off in the the late morning. We went into the bath tub. I crabbed Regan's mattress. We have done this lots of times with Regan. One night I even let her sleep in the tub. Of course there was no water in and she was very comfy there. The three of us sat int that bathroom and remembered all the funny things that had happened with Regan during tornado warnings. It was crazy but I like tornado safety better with our sweet Reg's in the tub with Ryder and Rylee.
4) Today I turned Regan's calender in her room to June. I hadn't done it yet. That is the second time I have done it with out saying "Regan it's a new month, can you believe it!" I was on the phone with my friend Tesha at the time and I said, "Tesha can you believe I have had to turn this twice with her gone." I love Tesha but I liked it better the other way.
5) Sunday at church we sat by a lovely new couple that have been visiting our church. Brian and I spoke with them for a few minutes after. They told us about themselves....you know where they work, that they are expected a sweet little baby in December, where they live...things like that. Then they said, "Do you have children?" Brian looked at me and patted me on my back. He then said, "Yes we have two; a boy who is 11 and a girl who is 9." I liked it better when there were three.
People keep saying "Regan's in a better place." Yes she is. I honestly praise God for that every day. It is a great source of joy in my life. As I watched her struggle throughout her life that better place she is in now kept me from losing my mind. I knew she wouldn't struggle forever...I just never knew how much you could miss one person. So I am not in a better place yet...we liked our place better with her.
1) I realized today while I was at my friend Laura's that her house was the last outing that Regan had besides riding the the ambulance and going into the hospital. Today I got to set in Laura's living room. I hadn't remembered that until today. Rylee actually remembered it. We also remembered Regan's diaper leaked pee on Laura's floor. Very funny memory....maybe not for Laura's floor. So we missed her today. I know Laura's dog misses her....she always loved to jump up on the coffee table and put her front paws on Regan's lap and smell Regan. I liked Regan's smell too.
2) Yesterday I found some of Regan's old school work. Ryder and Rylee and I were organizing their work and of course we ran into some of Regan's. I look forward to hanging some of it up in her room. There are only a few of these because most of them Julie did for Regan. However some painting projects Reg's could do. I remembered how Regan would come home with blue or green hands and I would get freaked out for a few seconds because I thought something happened to her hand. This art reminds me that Regan used to be alive. Now she isn't. I liked it better when she was.
3) Yesterday we had the tornado siren go off in the the late morning. We went into the bath tub. I crabbed Regan's mattress. We have done this lots of times with Regan. One night I even let her sleep in the tub. Of course there was no water in and she was very comfy there. The three of us sat int that bathroom and remembered all the funny things that had happened with Regan during tornado warnings. It was crazy but I like tornado safety better with our sweet Reg's in the tub with Ryder and Rylee.
4) Today I turned Regan's calender in her room to June. I hadn't done it yet. That is the second time I have done it with out saying "Regan it's a new month, can you believe it!" I was on the phone with my friend Tesha at the time and I said, "Tesha can you believe I have had to turn this twice with her gone." I love Tesha but I liked it better the other way.
5) Sunday at church we sat by a lovely new couple that have been visiting our church. Brian and I spoke with them for a few minutes after. They told us about themselves....you know where they work, that they are expected a sweet little baby in December, where they live...things like that. Then they said, "Do you have children?" Brian looked at me and patted me on my back. He then said, "Yes we have two; a boy who is 11 and a girl who is 9." I liked it better when there were three.
People keep saying "Regan's in a better place." Yes she is. I honestly praise God for that every day. It is a great source of joy in my life. As I watched her struggle throughout her life that better place she is in now kept me from losing my mind. I knew she wouldn't struggle forever...I just never knew how much you could miss one person. So I am not in a better place yet...we liked our place better with her.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)