Wednesday, June 04, 2008

Better Place

Sometimes I just have things I need to say. These things can come from all kinds of reasons but I just feel better when I say them.

1) I realized today while I was at my friend Laura's that her house was the last outing that Regan had besides riding the the ambulance and going into the hospital. Today I got to set in Laura's living room. I hadn't remembered that until today. Rylee actually remembered it. We also remembered Regan's diaper leaked pee on Laura's floor. Very funny memory....maybe not for Laura's floor. So we missed her today. I know Laura's dog misses her....she always loved to jump up on the coffee table and put her front paws on Regan's lap and smell Regan. I liked Regan's smell too.

2) Yesterday I found some of Regan's old school work. Ryder and Rylee and I were organizing their work and of course we ran into some of Regan's. I look forward to hanging some of it up in her room. There are only a few of these because most of them Julie did for Regan. However some painting projects Reg's could do. I remembered how Regan would come home with blue or green hands and I would get freaked out for a few seconds because I thought something happened to her hand. This art reminds me that Regan used to be alive. Now she isn't. I liked it better when she was.

3) Yesterday we had the tornado siren go off in the the late morning. We went into the bath tub. I crabbed Regan's mattress. We have done this lots of times with Regan. One night I even let her sleep in the tub. Of course there was no water in and she was very comfy there. The three of us sat int that bathroom and remembered all the funny things that had happened with Regan during tornado warnings. It was crazy but I like tornado safety better with our sweet Reg's in the tub with Ryder and Rylee.

4) Today I turned Regan's calender in her room to June. I hadn't done it yet. That is the second time I have done it with out saying "Regan it's a new month, can you believe it!" I was on the phone with my friend Tesha at the time and I said, "Tesha can you believe I have had to turn this twice with her gone." I love Tesha but I liked it better the other way.

5) Sunday at church we sat by a lovely new couple that have been visiting our church. Brian and I spoke with them for a few minutes after. They told us about know where they work, that they are expected a sweet little baby in December, where they live...things like that. Then they said, "Do you have children?" Brian looked at me and patted me on my back. He then said, "Yes we have two; a boy who is 11 and a girl who is 9." I liked it better when there were three.

People keep saying "Regan's in a better place." Yes she is. I honestly praise God for that every day. It is a great source of joy in my life. As I watched her struggle throughout her life that better place she is in now kept me from losing my mind. I knew she wouldn't struggle forever...I just never knew how much you could miss one person. So I am not in a better place yet...we liked our place better with her.


shannon said...

You express yourself so well. I want to express myself back, but I don't know what to say except that I love you sweet friend. I'm sorry you have to miss her. (I miss her with you).

Casey said...

I love you.

mrsknewman said...

I think of you all often and always remember you in my Prayer time. Just wanted to stop by and tell you I love you all.

velvet said...

Most people have things they need to say, but are usually better left unsaid! I'm glad you express what you need to say. It's insightful and wise.

Your children are really beautiful.

Kathy said...

I'm so sorry for your pain, I wish words could take them away. Just know this for sure,that sharing your thoughts with us help us heal also in our daily lives. You have helped me in so many ways. You are a wonderful person and even more wonderful Mom.Please keep blogging. Your baby girl is helping others even now.


O'Malleys said...

Dear Brian, Chantell, Ryder & Rylee,
I just finished reading your blog, and the tears are rolling. I am so sorry for your loss. We remember Regan and the sweet smile she always had. The two of you and your family were our son David O'Malley's house parents at Lincoln. You have had a significant impact on our life as well. Whenever we were there and I observed you I always saw such joy. I envied that at times because I know your struggle was far greater than mine. I too have those sad days when I think of Sarah's future. But like you I believe God has the perfect plan and I am subscribing to His and not the worlds. My prayers our with you and your family.

Tracy O'Malley