Thursday, May 29, 2008

How are YOU?

"How are you?" This is a questioned asked all over the place by lots of different people. I remember when Regan was alive people used to ask me "How's Regan?" I found it difficult to answer that question too. You know that what people really want to hear is "Fine!...just fine! Most people want to hear this because when we ask this question we really don't want to know because when we do we feel pain. Our culture avoids pain but we constantly want to feel guilty. Guilt is the emotion of our culture. So, people don't want to know how you are because they are going to feel guilt that they did not lose a child or that their children are not born with a disability. Guilty that their life is easier. I know because sometimes I feel guilty that I have a great husband, or a loving family, or great kids.....or that I live in America...that I know Jesus and other people don't. So you would think I would have experience at answering this question. I still don't know what to day...I feel like my response will fall short.

So back to my original thought. "How are you?" I usually say, "I am sad" or "I am doing" because I think most people think I set around and cry all day. This is not that case. Yet while I am "doing" I am always sad. I don't mind the sadness because right now it is a link to Regan. I am fine....but that is because God is good. Strangely enough one of Regan's great lesson's to me when she was living was that I am fine even when I am sad. I spend many sad days during her life on earth. It was hard to watch her struggle to breathe....to be awake....to live. She had some good days but she had a lot of really hard days to. A lot harder than I have ever known. Yet strangely when you looked in her eyes...she was fine. She knew the goodness of the Lord in a way I am only starting to understand. I goodness that is not about my situation but about my soul.

I don't set around and cry too much. Usually the tears hit while I am going. Like at Walmart when I don't get to buy diapers any more. Or when I pass by Memorial Home Care and I don't need any medical supplies...or when I run to the grocery and I don't need a handicap parking space anymore....or when Rylee and I are shopping for summer cloths and we aren't getting matching outfits for them for the first time...or when we sit and she isn't at the table when we pray and eat. I am fine...but I am sad....God is good so I am too but I am sad and that is good. I loved my little girl. I miss her terrible (Have I mentioned that?)
Rylee is with her teacher at her awards assembly this week. She received a "Citizenship" award, an award for being in the school paper, and also the "Homework" award for having all her homework in each day. This was no easy task since they both missed three weeks of school. Rylee is a very loving little lady. She feels God's compassion towards hurting people. She wants to help them because Jesus would do that. I love her and she reminds me God is good.
Ryder here with one of his best friends Hannah. They both were in the top 15 students in the 6th grade for their school. He also received student of the month for May and and a "service" award in his homeroom class. I am proud of him for his witness. Ryder loves Jesus and the people around him know it and experience it. Ryder knows God is good. This picture was taken on Memorial Day...isn't it beautiful. So many pretty flowers. My family is doing a great job caring for her little plot of ground. Still so fresh. My sister in law Tiffany said, "You should get to cry all you want if the ground is still broken from Regan's burial you can be too!" It is one of the best things anyone has ever said to me. I also love all the little people that go visit her regularly. You can see their little feet and bodies in this picture. It somehow seems right. This all helps me see God's goodness.

7 comments:

Aaron said...

Thank you for making me realize that I don't have to be happy all of the time. I live so much of my life wishing for things to be perfect, especially as I struggle to raise a toddler and a newborn. I need to be honest...days will be hard, I will lose my patience, I'll even be a bad mom at times. I guess you teach me that life is good, even in the midst of struggle.
Thank you.

Dan & Tammy said...

thank you for letting us know "how you are". I have thought of you and prayed for you often these past couple of weeks. I have even cried for you as I go through the emotions of kids growing and changing and moving away from toddler hood to being big kids, and thinking of what emotions you are experiencing.
I am sure you are proud of your two big kids! congrats to them on being such good students & i must say your family is a good example for younger families. Thanks for that!! Love you!!

HODAPP said...

I love you -

Tiffany said...

I am sad with you, just as I have been happy with you. I love sharing all aspects of life with you sister. Tiffany

amyjo said...

thanks for sharing.... way to go Rylee & Ryder!

shannon said...

I love you. I like how Tiffany said that she loves sharing all aspects of life with you. Your kids are all blessings. I am so impressed that Rylee got all of her homework done even after missing so much school. You guys are great parents. I love your family so much.

Mandy said...

such great words from Tiffany..."as long as the ground is broken, you can be too..." I really appreciate hearing that.

i know these days are so difficult for you. there's no way to get around it but to just go through it.

love you so much friend.