Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Mother's Day Muses

It's the first Mother's Day for me that I have no pictures of me with the ones who make me a mother. We just couldn't do it. One of my favorite pictures of myself is on the Mother's Day right before she was born (her birthday is a month away). I was huge but I loved being pregnant. I thought about it a couple of times. That we should take a picture. I took the camera with me to church, then to Panera to eat, into Lowe's, over to the Irwin's while we had supper....but I didn't have the courage to do it. I simply don't want to take a picture with just the four of us. It feels to sad. Way to empty. Regan's presence was always strong in family photos.

Family pictures have always been somewhat weird. We can't do cute little poses where everyone sits on the grass. We are always posed around a sweet little curly headed girl who sat in a a wheel chair. At first we tried to disguise it by putting a black blanket on the back. Sometimes we even took her out but the last four years or so we just wanted it like it is....Regan in her chair...it was Regan too is some strange way. Now it sets empty in her room. It really is great that she doesn't need it any more. It is powerful to think of. It is our hope. That one day we will have no limits to our expression of worship. No sin to hold up back, to physical pain to be concerned about, no bills worry about, no relationships that are too hard. Right now that empty chair is also our pain because we want her and she isn't in it.

We took a last family photo in the hospital. I couldn't even smile. I knew. We all knew. Shannon knew when we took it. Tears rolled down her checks while she took it. She wasn't in her chair. Her chair wasn't there. We left it at home because she and I rode in an ambulance. I was glad we didn't have to push it out of the hospital. OR even worse drive home with it empty in our van. It was one of God's tender mercies to us. It was waiting us on when we got home.
We have taken one picture without her. Her body was with us but she was gone. My sister Jennifer took this picture. Tears streaming down her sweet face too. She knew in a second we were going to close that "bed box" as I came to call it...and never lay our eyes on her sweet body again. Regan looks a lot like my sister. I love that. We loved that body. We loved on it it so much that before the viewing in Oklahoma they had to put more make up on her hands and face because we had rubbed it off with our strokes and kisses. I think Ryder more than anybody. Mother's Day will always be hard. I have cried every Mother's Day for years in anticipation of this one...the one without Regan. I didn't cry too much. I am really glad I have Ryder and Rylee. They bought me a really funny card. They are funny. Mostly Rylee is funny. I think she picked the card out. She also drew me a great card. I am glad that the four of us have each other to be in our next family photo with. I don't know when or where the photo might be. I can tell you this. It won't be around a hospital bed, or a bed box, or a wheel chair. Maybe we will pose on the grass...or on the beach...or on a mountain top. Places that we couldn't go with Regan but now in the garden place where Regan is she can experience.


Justin & Jenny said...

Your pictures speak so deeply...they are beautiful. You have continuously been in my thoughts and prayers. God is taking me to a new level of faith as I read your journey. Thank you for sharing!

Danielle said...

I love you guys!!!
Your blog gives me the hope that everything is going to be okay, work out, and come together even when I want to give up.
Much love,

jkrbeloved said...

Thanks for sharing your hearts. We love y'all and miss y'all.

shannon said...

You express your thoughts and feelings so well. She's with Him and you're all here; our hearts hurt with you as you miss her. We love you and we miss Regan with you.

Hi-d-Ho said...

thank you for sharing. Regan's life still touches many and brings light to the Light Source. Thanks for the precious reminders of God's grace and His Love. You guys are a beautiful family.

velvet said...

I've thought about you guys so much, but don't have words to say. My heart hurts so much for you. Our family got away to the mountains this past weekend, and it was so peaceful - so God - and I thought I should let you know that if you decide you need some mountain time, you have a place to stay. Love you guys.