Files

Every mother has systems for their household. I few years a go heard a lady speak and also read her book on managing a household. I used some of her ideas and have twecked them to make them better for me. She suggested that you create files for each area of your life. So I did. Those files have changed through the years because life changed. I have a file for invitations, a file on my spiritual formation girls, a file for church, a file for decorating ideas, a file for the bible study I teach, I had a orthodotic file but we are done with that so it has become the file for my subsitute teacher information. Three constant files have been my kids. Each child has their own. Regan's file was not big enough so we started using an expandable file for medical needs. This worked great because we could grab it in a hurry and it had everyting we needed in it. Eventually her papers would move to her own file cabinett! These files for the kids work great for us. Any note, important paper, or form goes in this file. I use it for reference and so we can keep up with the constant stream of papers going back and forth. The kids know to put the information there that needs a place to belong until we need it. Yesterday we registered for school so I cleaned them out. I needed to make room for the semester ahead. So I removed things like summer camp information and notes from their teachers last year. I realized we had two bookette's left from last year, so yesterday we went to lunch at Pizza Hut! There is also information that we will need this year stuff like Cheer camp and music lesson info. This filing system sets on my desk so I see it multiple times a day. It sets right next to the computer. It is always just a reach away.

I know you can feel where this is going. Nothing new is going in Regan's folder. The last important papers I placed in there were her death certificates. If you have ever gone through helping someone die you know you need lots of these. We got eight. We still have three left. There is also a funeral home business card and two perscriptions that I never got to fill for her. I just left it all in there. I want her to still need a file. I want to put something new it. I want to fill out paper work for her. Yesterday we also got a refund from Kid Care (her secondary insurance for the state of IL) for May. We had already paid the premuim for May...she didn't need insurance for May. I want her to need insurance. I miss St John's. I had to take Rylee to the doctor last week for a sinus infection. I was actually looking forward to it (boy am I weird). I feel more normal when there are meds to give ..Bruce our phamaciest actually said, "we miss you!" when I went to get Rylee's meds. I miss the pharmacy! I miss her.

I saw a little boy yesterday at the Jr High that was Regan's age. His issues seem similar to her. He also shared a warm smile and eyes that sparkled when we saw the people who loved him. I watched him closely....I intorduced myself to him...he couldn't speak back but he smiled at me. I felt like it was Regan. It made me smile. I told him he was blessed to have is cousins and aunt there to love him well. He smiled at me again. I told him you make their life better. They all agreed. I walked away and thought about how glad I was for his family...he still needs a file.

I think it was around the time that Regan was born or maybe right after she was diagnosed with seizures and we knew that life would be difficult for her that we first started calling the song by Steven Curtis Chapman "Finger Prints of God" Regan's song....not the first verse but the second one that says,

"Never has there been and never again will there be another you. Fashioned by God's hand and perfectly planned to be just who you are. And what He's been creating since the first beat of your heart is a living breathing priceless work of art. And just look at you You're a wondering in the making and God's not through, no in fact He's just getting stared and I can see the fingerprints of God. When I look at you I can see the fingerprints of God and I know it's true You're a masterpiece That all creation quietly applauds and you're covered with the fingerprints of God."

Somehow we knew right from the start that we would have to make the choice to SEE God's image in her. This is challenging because we usually want to see God's image in things like victory, strength and perfectness...Regan was God's creation, perfectly plan just as she was. Now this song was mostly the kids and I..Brian isn't big on sweet little songs. We heard this song almost everyday while we were on vacation. We thought it was pretty cool. I love this picture of her because I can see the light of Jesus in her eyes...a joy that is beyond anything I think I have ever known...I think Regan understood something deeper about life than I do. I think she as enlightened in a way....she saw things correctly..the way Jesus wants us to maybe.

Another one of SCC songs that has meant a lot to me when I started this grief process over six years is called "With Hope" Six years ago I was grieving the ideas and plans for Regan that died because she had a mitocondrial disorder. It was then that I grieved that she wouldn't have a full life or a long one for that matter. I grieved for her and for me that she would never know the experience falling in love and that I wouldn't get to watch her. I grieved that she would never know the feeling of running in her daddy's arms when he comes home from work and I wouldn't get to watch it. I grieved that she would never know sleeping over at her best friends house, going to Kindergarten, prom, driving, being Rylee's maid of honor at her wedding, having babies of her own...and I wouldn't get to watch her. So all this lose made me start to grieve her. Though I thought all this practice would help me for the deeper grief that would come somewhere in the future...the future that I am living in now....I don't know that anything can prepare you for this. But the song says this,

This is not at all how we thought iwas supposed to be. We had so many plans for you we had so many dreams. And now you've gone away and left us with the memories of your smile and nothing we can say and nothing we can do can take away the pain. The pain of losing you, but "We can cry with hope, We can say good bye with hope. Cause we know our goodbye is not the end, oh no. And we can grieve with hope, cause we believe with hope There's a place by God's grace. There's a place where we'll see your face again. We'll see your face again and never have I Known anything so hard to understand. And never have I questioned more the wisdom of God's plan. But through the cloud of tears I see the Father's smile and say well done. And I imagine you where you wanted most to be. Seeing all your dreams come true cause now you're home and now you're free and We have this hope as an anchor. Cause we believed that everything God promed us is true. We wait we hope. We hold on with hope. We let go with hope."

This song is getting lots of air time again because of Steve Curtis's daughter recent death....So sad for them...so tragic...I know they hope. I am glad God him that song so long ago to help us all along now.