This week I have been very sad because of several tragedies happening all around me. Our friends Kyle and Katie lost their two year old Hailey who had a similar disorder to Regan. She died in the night last Friday. I am so sad for her loss. Some other tragedies are sin related so I can not speak about them here...but they grieve my soul. My brother lost his job this week. My dad had surgery. Some of my issures are in preparation for the Lent season that we have now entered into. It is painful because I know God created us to have different earthy experiences. These tragedies each represent a loss of some kind.
This week in the Divine Hours the prayer for the week says this..."Most loving Father, whose will it is for us to give thanks for all things, to fear nothing but the loss of you, and to cast all our cares on you who cares for us: Preserve me from faithless fears and worldly anxieties, that no clouds of this mortal life may hide from me the light of that love which is immortal, and which you have manifested to us in your Son Jesus Christ our Lord..."
So in God's great care for me He has given me words to say that are true. Because no words come to me in times like this. This is why I love these books of prayer. He has given me a reminder that though these things that burden me are losses (some greater and more painful than others) still yet I should fear none except the loss of HIM!
So I mentioned have been preparing for Lent. I wasn't sure I was going to give anything up because I feel like I have been in a season of "giving up" and really didn't know what to give up. But I was open. Yesterday standing in the Ash Wednesday service that I attended I was reminded that Lent is for everyone, for the old, the young, the newlywed, the children, and so I thought even those who have been in a season of "giving up." YES..even ME...the one who have given up! So I was committed to lenting. I need to be reminded of how sinful I am. Of just how much I need Jesus' resurecting power in my life. I feel at peace with what I am lenting...I look forward to Easter when I can have it back my sweet desserts. But my prayer will be "no loss like the loss of you, God" and probably also "All my delight is in you LORD! not in dessert!"
I also had this thought as the ashes were crossed on my forehead and these words were repeated "From dust you came and dust you will return." You see a body I love very much is returning to dust as I speak.....I don't like it very much. This is one of thoese "wordly anxieties" that I am confessing is clouding God's glory. Now granted, this loss is great in my life. It causes me great suffering. Yet these ashes remind me that a greater loss would be returning to dust myself without a knowing the one who mae me and without knowing His voice in my life. This loss would be greater...honestly at times I forget this truth. I think Kyle and Katie's loss is greater....I think divorce is greater, I think so many stupid things that I am embarassed to write are greater losses than that of the LOSS OF GOD; His presence in our lives.
"If the Lord had not been on our side-let Isreal say-If the Lord had not been on our side when men attacked us, they would have swallowed us alive in their burning anger against us. Then the waters whould have engulfed us; the torrent would have swept over us; the raging waters would have swept over us." Ps 124 1:1-5
You see though I am giving up I am not being swallowed, or engulfed, or swept away in the raging waters of pain, grief, saddness, or pain because He is at my side, forevermore. He is at the side of my family. Most importantly He is also at the side of the Father reminding Him that I am forgiven, that sometimes I don't know what I am doing, that I desire more of God even when I don't act like it. Praise God for a time of repentance....."to fear nothing but the loss of YOU!"
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Self-Book
So I like most everyone my age have a profile on Facebook. I enjoy the easy connection this gives me with people that I otherwise might not know much about. Girls I went to high school with. Guys I have known since I was a child. College students who have moved on with their lives and now have lives that being me hope. It even helps me with connection with people who are in my everyday life. I can go on and send a message and not worry if the email address I have for them is right.
However it (like Christmas cards) can do a whammy on my view of self. I was reminded of this sin of self so many times over the past few weeks. This might be one of the greatest sins we could have. Thinking too highly of our selves...or thinking too much about ourselves period. I admit that I have moments where myself is what is on my mind. I may cloak them in thoughts of others but ultimately and too often I really think it is all about me.
I am reading the Great Divorce by CS Lewis right now. In an exchange about humans the Spirit says, "They sink lower...become interested in their own personalities and then in nothing but their own reputations" (pg 85) That steps on my toes. Sometimes I even try to trick myself into thinking that my reputation in also God's this is true but when I am honest I sometimes care more about my own.
So this has got me thinking about moving higher instead of lower. So I wrote this statement as a prayer.... "Could I move higher...become so interested in who God is and then in nothing but His reputation!"
Lewis goes on to say that self centered living as a casket of death an... "airless, careless...impervious to all of love's arrow's and impervious to love it's self.
Lord, please let selfishness not be my casket but may I find ME by loosing ME and gaining YOU the LIFE! (Luke 9:24)
Like the great song Hosanna says....
"Take my heart and make it pure.....everything I am for your kingdom's causes!"
However it (like Christmas cards) can do a whammy on my view of self. I was reminded of this sin of self so many times over the past few weeks. This might be one of the greatest sins we could have. Thinking too highly of our selves...or thinking too much about ourselves period. I admit that I have moments where myself is what is on my mind. I may cloak them in thoughts of others but ultimately and too often I really think it is all about me.
I am reading the Great Divorce by CS Lewis right now. In an exchange about humans the Spirit says, "They sink lower...become interested in their own personalities and then in nothing but their own reputations" (pg 85) That steps on my toes. Sometimes I even try to trick myself into thinking that my reputation in also God's this is true but when I am honest I sometimes care more about my own.
So this has got me thinking about moving higher instead of lower. So I wrote this statement as a prayer.... "Could I move higher...become so interested in who God is and then in nothing but His reputation!"
Lewis goes on to say that self centered living as a casket of death an... "airless, careless...impervious to all of love's arrow's and impervious to love it's self.
Lord, please let selfishness not be my casket but may I find ME by loosing ME and gaining YOU the LIFE! (Luke 9:24)
Like the great song Hosanna says....
"Take my heart and make it pure.....everything I am for your kingdom's causes!"
Monday, February 09, 2009
Shared Experience of Glory
I have a weakness right now for the the phrase
Holy Holy Holy
I think Regan might get to sing it now since she is with Jesus. When I sing it I cry...but I sing it loud. It is something we might be getting to do together. It makes me happy.
The evening Regan was dying I sang the song "Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus" to her. We knew she was dying. I kept thinking about how this was the process she was going through. That soon she would "Look full in his wonderful face. And the things of earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace."
I sang it to my Granny the week I was with her too. I took a hymnal with me a few times when I went to set with her. I sang to her. I knew these were the songs that she needed to hear. Songs of hope eternal. Songs of our true home.
We sang "Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus" this week in church. So I started to cry because I have those recent memories. We don't sing it much anymore. So I am sure it is the first time I have sang it in a congregation in years....I remembered singing softly in Regan's ear. Telling her that if she saw Jesus she should go. Telling her how much we would miss her but how she would leave suffering behind.
Sunday I felt like maybe Regan would want me to hear these words. She really knows how wonderful His face is now. I was just dreaming about it when I sang it to her. I have never seen Jesus but I image it is lovely. Now it is her reality. I needed a reminder about the small and short these dark days will be compared to His eternal light and glory.
Some days feel really long lately. We all miss her. Since it is the dead of winter here there is not much light.....no glorious sun. This doesn't help things. We know there is a sun but at this point it is a distant memory. Last week I kept daydreaming about the pool, my backyard full of flowers, green grass, flip-flops, cloths on the line, counting up the days until lent will start so I can prepare for Easter. I needed some reminders of spring and reminders of what new life feels like. The light seems way too far out in the distance or way back in the past. We are in the in between...oh I hate this part. Yet He feels close by.
So, I feel blessed to know that God is with me. He outshines the sun. He is to be worshiped in every season. He promises that we can have new mercies everyday. I think that this means everyday...I am taking Him at His word. Praise God! Praise Him for Hope. Praise Him for the hope of a future, a shared experience of glory and for little glimpses of it now in the in between.
Holy Holy Holy
I think Regan might get to sing it now since she is with Jesus. When I sing it I cry...but I sing it loud. It is something we might be getting to do together. It makes me happy.
The evening Regan was dying I sang the song "Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus" to her. We knew she was dying. I kept thinking about how this was the process she was going through. That soon she would "Look full in his wonderful face. And the things of earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace."
I sang it to my Granny the week I was with her too. I took a hymnal with me a few times when I went to set with her. I sang to her. I knew these were the songs that she needed to hear. Songs of hope eternal. Songs of our true home.
We sang "Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus" this week in church. So I started to cry because I have those recent memories. We don't sing it much anymore. So I am sure it is the first time I have sang it in a congregation in years....I remembered singing softly in Regan's ear. Telling her that if she saw Jesus she should go. Telling her how much we would miss her but how she would leave suffering behind.
Sunday I felt like maybe Regan would want me to hear these words. She really knows how wonderful His face is now. I was just dreaming about it when I sang it to her. I have never seen Jesus but I image it is lovely. Now it is her reality. I needed a reminder about the small and short these dark days will be compared to His eternal light and glory.
Some days feel really long lately. We all miss her. Since it is the dead of winter here there is not much light.....no glorious sun. This doesn't help things. We know there is a sun but at this point it is a distant memory. Last week I kept daydreaming about the pool, my backyard full of flowers, green grass, flip-flops, cloths on the line, counting up the days until lent will start so I can prepare for Easter. I needed some reminders of spring and reminders of what new life feels like. The light seems way too far out in the distance or way back in the past. We are in the in between...oh I hate this part. Yet He feels close by.
So, I feel blessed to know that God is with me. He outshines the sun. He is to be worshiped in every season. He promises that we can have new mercies everyday. I think that this means everyday...I am taking Him at His word. Praise God! Praise Him for Hope. Praise Him for the hope of a future, a shared experience of glory and for little glimpses of it now in the in between.
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