Sad but Good

Ryder and Rylee typically sleep in the same room when they sleep. It could be Ryder's room, usually Rylee's room and sometimes Regan's room. Since Regan died we took her bed and gave it to a friend of Regan's named Jeron. Now we have a new bed that has a trundle bed under it. This is easier for company....and for Ryder and Rylee to have another sleeping option. As if their own rooms are not enough! They would still love a fourth option to sleep with us BUT that is NOT an option....three is plenty.

So last night when I tucked them in. We had a going away party for Julie and her husband Vance. Julie was Regan's primary caregiver over the past few years. She is very close with our family. I hosted her wedding shower and baby shower so it is fitting that our home would be the place to say good-bye to her. So, Ryder prayed first and then it was Rylee's turn. She said, "Thank you Jesus for letting us have a party to say good-bye to Julie. It is very sad for us but a good-good-bye all at the same time." Julie is moving. Her husband got a new job. We have been praying for that. Julie wants to be a stay at home mom and now she gets to be. We have been praying for that too. However I guess I forgot to pray that all of this could be answered but still keep her close to us. So it is good. But this is another lose both for her and us. Julie loved Regan well. She was Regan's closest friend. She learned how to take care of her baby by loving our sweet Regan. Many mornings Julie and I cried together...trusted God together to help us do our jobs well...and take care of Regan. We were a good team!

I think good-bye's are usually like this. Good but sad all at the same time. Like when I leave my dad and mom's house, I am always sad but usually ready to go. They know this so this is not dis-respecting them. I am sure they are ready for us to leave too. We kinda take over. Their house was my home but now my home is with Brian and the kids. Life doesn't move backward very often. The life I had with my parents was good but now I am no longer childish and this life is the better life for me. (Even though when I go home I often revert to 11!) I am now what my parents raised me to be. I am more me. So this good bye is always sad but good.

Saying good-bye to Regan is sooooo good. She is so good. This place she is now is good for her. Her home is no longer with us but with God. She is now all she was meant to be. But it is so sad. So sad because we are not with her and she is not with us. We wish we could go back but life moves forward. Our hope when the saddness tries to over take us is that this is not our home...our home is with her ONLY because she is with God. We long for God because He is good. When we are home with him there will be no more good-byes....no more tears...no more confusion of the heart because things are sad but good....only Good.

I Miss This

What I miss the most because of Regan's death is this..........living life with her. I really liked life with her.....come to think of it I think a lot of people did! Today I am really thankful that I got to be Regan's mom......

Our Agent of Reconciliation

My mom is in banking. So reconciling your check book was something my mom taught me to do. To make sure that what your records show and the records of the bank match to the penny. So when I think of Jesus coming to reconcile us back to God I think about it in these terms. My account does not match who HE (God the Banker) says I am. You see I know how sinful I am. I know my thoughts, deeds and desires. I know that on my own I am completely bankrupt. I am completely in lack to make this account match up with the bankers records. I can not produce enough work to be who God desires me to be. I can not discipline myself enough to be who God desires me to be. YET....Christ died for me. He reconciled my lack. He paid in full what I could not muster up on my own. So now when the banker looks at me He sees Jesus...His work on the cross, His Holiness.....my account is reconciled. Oh the peace I receive from this truth.

The fun part of this is then I become an agent of reconciliation. Just like my mom helps people figure out their accounts and situations to help them reconcile their account at the bank. God uses us ...those who have been reconciled...to be apart of this work. When we put our hands, mind, or heart to something we are apart of HIS reconciliation of the world....He makes all things new! I am so thankful for this.....my account is reconciled! Thank you for the Cross! Thank you for Jesus our Agent of Reconciliation.

From Where I Stand

When the kids were younger I bought a book called "The View From Our Shoes" it is a book about what it is like to have a sibling with special needs. The book is loaded with essays written by siblings from seven to twenty seven. It was a great book for me to read to think about what it is like to be Ryder and Rylee....living with a sister with unique needs.

A few months before Regan died I took a series of photos of her and I while I held her. I love this one. I loved her cute socks. Regan never wore shoes so we put a lot of energy into her socks. As I sat there that day I told Regan that I liked this view. The view of her feet and my feet together propped by her chair. Every afternoon she and I would have snuggle time....oh how I miss that. I loved to smell her hair. I loved the way she leaned into me to sleep. I told her that day that whenever she went to see Jesus I would miss our afternoons together. I wish I could go back and tell her how much I miss our mornings, evening and even late nights together.

This weekend we went to see her headstone that was just placed last week. It is hard to summarize a life on one stone. Impossible. It is small because she was. It is elegant because she carried herself with grace. As a matter of fact the back of the stone says, "She ran with grace. We were graced to run with her." As I sat in my lawn chair at the cemetery and listened to doves cry and watched butterflies zoom over head I thought I never really thought about what this view would be like. This new view from my shoes.

We posed around her just like we used to. Regan always seemed to finder her way to the middle. It seemed so strange to walk away. To leave her there in the ground...with out us...us with out her. I want her back. I want to live life with her. I want to push her chair not just dust it because it has set empty too long. I want to talk about her in the present tence. Life with her was better. Life without her is hard. It is a struggle. Do you remember when I told you that my sister in law said I should feel no persure to be "over it" if the ground was still broken.

Well my daddy went and laid sod and my family and friends water it three times a day...God had a hand in it too by bringing a few good rains. I think it reveals so much about a father's heart doesn't it. The heart that says, "I'll do anything to ease the pain, to heal the brokenness. I'll plant sod in August if you think it would help." My mom even picks the stickers from all around the front of the headstone. No extra pain when you set at Regan's place we are dealing with enough. I feel the same when I look at my kids. I want to help the healing process along. What a good mom and daddy I have. He even bought a water hose. It is the funniest sight. A water hose in a cemetery. I wish every stone had a bio with it. I want to know why this child died...why another family had two children die...I wonder how they got along afterward? I want to hang a bio on the water spicket and explain to visitors what this hose means to me. If you look to the back ground of the picture you can see Regan's stone. You can see that the grass is completely green. It looks like she has been there while. Guess what I found out...my heart is still broken even if the ground is broken up...I am sure this is no suprise to anyone. I think my daddy thinks that's okay.
This water hose has come to bring a deeper meaning. It is reminding me that new life will come from broken ground but only with the watering of the Word. It is going to take some care. It will have to be intentional. It will take effort, inconvienince, investment from community, love and grace but healing will come. It is my hope right now. It is the image my mind is clinging to. That over time I'll be like the green grass growing from red dirt in the middle of August.