Confident in This

As we arrive here at Christmas time I have so many emotions. I am happy because it is the "most wonderful time of year"....I would argue that Easter should be looked at this but Christmas is also great for me because my husband was born in December. We also got married in December. My husband also gets time off during December which also makes me extremely happy. Being with him is my favorite thing. I also love my extended family. Time with them makes me happy. I have gotten to spend lots of time being an Aunt this month. Really fun...they are always eager to tell me cute things and share there affection with me.I am excited we are taking a ski trip for the first time as a family. This too is bitter sweet because Regan's limitations also limited us. We are celebrating her limitless life with Christ by doing things this year that are active....On a similar note a friend of my dad's had me flown on his private plan to my Granny's funeral...an awesome way to celebrate this as well....Yet, I am sad. I still can't believe Regan is dead. My brain still forgets this fact all too often. Still 9 months later I think of what she needs, I can spend several minutes considering her, loving her in my mind and then think...oh yea she is dead....really? Did that happen? Her stocking was hung with care and lots of tears, her ornaments where loving placed on the tree for her, of course this has always been the case but we wish she was here to smile at them. She loved the Christmas tree. It has actually been a way to remember our life with her...so many memories on our homemade tree. It makes me love it even more.
However the greatest feeling I feel this Christmas is confident. I am confident that God's good. Regan's death has actually confirmed this in a deeper way. It has also confirmed that God is merciful beyond my comprehension. I also have a deepened confidence that this hope we have in Christ's resurrection is more powerful than any hope...it is our only hope. It gives me confidence that He will come again and finish what His first coming started. This hope keeps me from being overwhelmed my my grief. This hope is not a fairytale..like Santa....or Polar Express.....or It's a Wonderful Life....IT IS TRUE! To be honest silver bells, decking the halls with holly, believing in myself, or love just don't cut it. I need something more solid. I am clinging to this truth will the energy I have. This is exhausting...I wish the church talked about it more and wasn't so afraid it would be weird....because it is weird...maybe we should embrace that too...we are weird. I AM WEIRD! I stand over my sweet baby's grave and believe she is coming up out of there....it's weird. But just because it seems strange doesn't mean it isn't true. Santa is weird....thinking that being nice to each other would fix this mess is weird. Maybe humanity needed something weird to wake them up...like God coming as a baby to save us...He brought the Goodwill of God by being with us, dying but most importantly conquering death! No one expected Jesus to resurrect...that would be too weird. But coming (the Emmanuel) and dying( the Savior) wouldn't have done it..He needed one more weird thing...Resurrection! (the Redeemer) This gives me confidence He is good, that His strength can help me, that His mercy is new each day, that His mercy keeps him waiting on the right moment for all this to be made right. He is trust worthy....I am confident of this. I trust that I will see His glory reign in ways I can got grasp but excite me...they give me hope.....and probably a awesomely weird.
They renew me for this difficult walk....We try to live with hope. We honor Regan with hope...He isn't done with us yet. Remember ....He said...He will return....be confident in this! Even if it makes me weird.
Come Lord Jesus, Come

My Sweet Granny

On Monday my sweet Granny stepped from her earthy life into her restful life through eternity. I got the great joy of spending a seven days with her in Oklahoma before she died. It will be a treasured memory that I feel blessed to have experienced. I will fly back on Thursday for her funeral. She and I were roommates for about a year. I actually moved out of her home the day I married Brian. I remember when she and I were in the bathroom packing up my last few items and then I was headed to the church to get ready. She put her hands on her face and leaned on the bathroom counter. She said, "I don't know what I am going to do without you kid" as she cried. I feel the same way about her now. I have known her my whole life. She was a simple country wife and mother. She wasn't highly educated. She loved to watch her "stories" otherwise known as soap operas. She loved the watch the Braves play baseball. She wasn't a great cook but she could bake like no ones business. She usually ate Cheerios for breakfast. When my siblings and I were home sick and my mom and dad had to go to work we would stay with her. She would feed us macaroni. The homemade kind....yummm....but a weird thing to feed a kid who was sick. She wanted to give us comfort food....I am glad. The greatest legacy she leaves me is to keep my faith simple. I have a tendency to over think and make things harder than they have to be. She loved Jesus..she knew he saved her from her sin. She trusted him with her life. At it's base this is what faith is. My close friends give me a hard time because when I really laugh hard I clap my hands. My Granny did the same thing. I am glad that she taught me laugh hard and love deeply. I will miss her and look forward to when we will be reunited when we all see Jesus....what a day of rejoicing that will be!