Thursday, December 18, 2008

Confident in This

As we arrive here at Christmas time I have so many emotions. I am happy because it is the "most wonderful time of year"....I would argue that Easter should be looked at this but Christmas is also great for me because my husband was born in December. We also got married in December. My husband also gets time off during December which also makes me extremely happy. Being with him is my favorite thing. I also love my extended family. Time with them makes me happy. I have gotten to spend lots of time being an Aunt this month. Really fun...they are always eager to tell me cute things and share there affection with me.I am excited we are taking a ski trip for the first time as a family. This too is bitter sweet because Regan's limitations also limited us. We are celebrating her limitless life with Christ by doing things this year that are active....On a similar note a friend of my dad's had me flown on his private plan to my Granny's awesome way to celebrate this as well....Yet, I am sad. I still can't believe Regan is dead. My brain still forgets this fact all too often. Still 9 months later I think of what she needs, I can spend several minutes considering her, loving her in my mind and then think...oh yea she is dead....really? Did that happen? Her stocking was hung with care and lots of tears, her ornaments where loving placed on the tree for her, of course this has always been the case but we wish she was here to smile at them. She loved the Christmas tree. It has actually been a way to remember our life with many memories on our homemade tree. It makes me love it even more.
However the greatest feeling I feel this Christmas is confident. I am confident that God's good. Regan's death has actually confirmed this in a deeper way. It has also confirmed that God is merciful beyond my comprehension. I also have a deepened confidence that this hope we have in Christ's resurrection is more powerful than any is our only hope. It gives me confidence that He will come again and finish what His first coming started. This hope keeps me from being overwhelmed my my grief. This hope is not a Santa....or Polar Express.....or It's a Wonderful Life....IT IS TRUE! To be honest silver bells, decking the halls with holly, believing in myself, or love just don't cut it. I need something more solid. I am clinging to this truth will the energy I have. This is exhausting...I wish the church talked about it more and wasn't so afraid it would be weird....because it is weird...maybe we should embrace that too...we are weird. I AM WEIRD! I stand over my sweet baby's grave and believe she is coming up out of's weird. But just because it seems strange doesn't mean it isn't true. Santa is weird....thinking that being nice to each other would fix this mess is weird. Maybe humanity needed something weird to wake them God coming as a baby to save us...He brought the Goodwill of God by being with us, dying but most importantly conquering death! No one expected Jesus to resurrect...that would be too weird. But coming (the Emmanuel) and dying( the Savior) wouldn't have done it..He needed one more weird thing...Resurrection! (the Redeemer) This gives me confidence He is good, that His strength can help me, that His mercy is new each day, that His mercy keeps him waiting on the right moment for all this to be made right. He is trust worthy....I am confident of this. I trust that I will see His glory reign in ways I can got grasp but excite me...they give me hope.....and probably a awesomely weird.
They renew me for this difficult walk....We try to live with hope. We honor Regan with hope...He isn't done with us yet. Remember ....He said...He will confident in this! Even if it makes me weird.
Come Lord Jesus, Come


Julie Russell said...

I miss that Christmas tree. I was thinking about your tree this morning and what it must mean to you this year. Regan and I used to spend our free time in the morning enjoying the tree.
All of the decorations for our tree are in storage this year, so I made some using baby food jars and pictures from the past year. We've got Vance's graduation, a ton of Kohen, one of our family at a hayrack ride in Pittsburg, and one of Regan. We love her.

We've been praying for you extra since this busy season of holidays, family, and memories has come around. Thanks for the pictures. I love you.

Dave, Kristen and Katelyn McCurdy said...

I love the way the Spirit reveals things to you in such beautiful ways! Thank you for sharing, encouraging, and challenging through your posts!

shannon said...

Amen, sister!!! Come quickly, Lord Jesus!!! Oh Come!!