Thursday, May 20, 2010

And He Sees Me

I have just finished a seven week job at LJHS. So I am back to being a stay at home wife. Which I like but also does a bit of a number on my brain. First of all I am at home alone. Which is still weird for me. I miss Regan a lot. For eight years if I was home she was home. So, when I am home alone there is a unique missing that happens in my heart.

Secondly, when I am going really hard I do not have time to do the deep soul work that is required for an intimate walk with Christ. I still have devotional and prayer time each day but there is not time in my schedule to let God speak to me that way I like to be. It is much like not making time for a date or getaway with your family. You are living everyday together but it takes a lot of time to build deep relationships with each other that happens on vacation or weekends.

So, on Tuesday I actually got in my bed and took a nap. Now I tell you this because I have not crawled in my bed to take a nap alone since before Regan died. I did nap with her in my bed when she was alive. But it is not natural for me to nap especially under the covers in my bedroom. I have had some weekend naps and once I napped on the sofa. As I crawled into bed I thought..."I don't think I can do this anymore...I can't fight the good fight...I can not finish this race...I think I might give up."

I closed my eyes and fell asleep for thirty minutes. Then I woke up and grabbed the book I am reading for the maybe fourth time. Sacred Romance and I read "We long for a life to be better than it is. We wish the beauty and love and adventure would stay and than someone strong and kind would show us how to make the arrows go away. We hope that God will be our hero. Of all the people in the universe, he could stop the arrows and arrange for just a little more blessing in our lives. He can spin the earth, change the weather, topple governments, obliterate armies and resurrect the dead. Is it too much to ask that he intervene in our story? But he often seems aloof, almost indifferent to our plight, so entirely out of control. Would it be any worse if there were no God? If he didn't exist, at least he wouldn't get our hopes us. We could settle once and for all that we are alone in the universe and get on with surviving as best we may."

I cried...because this is sometimes how I feel. Like I am looking for God but can not find him. I wish that He had healed my little girl. I know some of you want to say..."But she is healed now!" Yes, I know that....I am not talking about that. When I think about what I want I wish that she was healed here on my eyes could see it. I still do not like it that she is gone. It is no longer acceptable with most people for me to be frustrated by this anymore...most everyone has moved on and accepted it. Some days I have. Usually I haven't. I feel like I am just surviving. Often even telling people what I know they want to hear.
Making the best of what I have been given. All along dealing with the pain of knowing the My God, the one who loves me the most, could have saved the one I love and did not.

What moves me is that exactly what my heart was feeling I read. I did not know how to say it. It renews my hope because I know God placed me at that moment to read He could show me He is not aloof. He is still expressing love to me even though I am frustrated with Him. He is not aloof...I am aloof. I am often times like a little baby who wants it her way or no way. I appreciate the tenderness of a God who will meet me even when I am literally covering my head up and giving up...He doesn't! As my friend Shannon texted me a couple days later "If we are faithless, He is faithful...for He cannot deny himself 2 Tim. 2 :13

I am grateful today that He See Me! That I don't have to do all the work in this relationship. He pursuits me.


Tiffany said...

love you. Miss her. Ps 121 "the Lord watches over you."

shannon said...

I love the way you honestly share your heart. I would think it was weird if you were over losing her. It makes way more sense to me that you miss her and that you wish God would have healed her...and that you feel upset that He didn't heal her on earth. I know that's how I feel, and she was not my baby! And He is so big that He can handle us saying that. He is faithful. You are doing an amazing job being faithful on your journey as well. I love you.