Ryder is having another birthday. He is getting another year older and as always several years smarter. He recently got his hair cut for the community theater musical production he is in this summer "Cheaper by the Dozen." It is the 1920's version not the Steve Martin version. He is doing a great job as the oldest son Frank. It is the best he has ever done. Some people think the hair cut makes him look younger...most however think it makes him look very grown up. A couple of days ago I took Ryder and his good friend Hannah out for "Steak N Shake" for their birthday's. We had a great time.
Ryder is a great boy. One of the things I love about him is his heart of "little guys." Here he is with his cousins but it seems most guys around the age of 4 or 5 think Ryder is pretty cool.

This morning he told me that he had been praying about a very hard situation that is out in his future. It is something he has no control over but doesn't want to happen. He has been resisting this change. Even though he knows it is a couple years away. He like most people doesn't like change. He told me today, "I going to get out of God's way. The "Kingdom" is bigger than me Mom." What a boy! What a little man!

All We Are

Recently I have had the great privilege of traveling a couple of times to here my husband preach. I love this because he is my favorite preacher. With that usually comes some great opportunities to meet new people, catch up with old friends and worship through music with bodies of believers I don't know. This is good for me because I get easily distracted with people I know because I think about what God is doing in and through them in my life. When I am away from home my heart is usually fully open to all God is doing everywhere and through out all time.

During these travels I have been lead in worship by Matt Bayless. He is a great guy. There is a particular group of songs that he sings I love. They are new to me but I have grown to love them. They focus on God in creation...how the moon and stars sing of God's glory. How the cannon's speak of his greatness. I love to sing about God's creation because I think it is amazing how creative God is. Each flower is his idea...some bloom only for one day but each from His creative mind. I agree with Him...it is good. Like Rylee the Ocean makes me want to Jump!

There is another song that we have been singing that says this "All we are is yours, here for a moment to give you praise, all we are is yours" My soul agrees with this because it is deeply true. God is teaching me this right now. I told Matt that I was so glad to have this song because I needed a way to sing it. I feel it is God that he brought me this tune and these words to sing what HE has already been teaching me.

You see it is true that ALL WE ARE IS YOURS....We belong to God. We are his. Some don't know it yet because all people belong to Him. Anything else that I am falls inside the boundaries of first belonging to God. Henri Nouwen says "I belong to Abba Father and He belongs to Me" Sometimes I think I belong to my husband, children, parents, family, friends, church, community, to my grief, to my pain, to sadness....then I remember oh no "I belong to HIM!" This is what I am...I am HIS. These other things I give myself to are ways to give him praise. They are glimpses of belonging. Hopefully my children will understand belonging because they belonged to me. They will know what it means to be fully loved because I loved them that way. They will know what it looks like to be looked at as a blessing because my eyes sparkled when I looked at them. I know I feel this way because of my parents. I understand the unconditional love of God because I belong to Brian. Brian loves me the way I am right now. Not some old version of me, not some future version of me. ME! This helps me understand that God loves me and that God will never leave me. BUT it is still a glimpse of what God has for me in HIM. These relationships are only the beginning. When I give myself to them I am learning how to give myself to God....He is what it is all about.

That I could belong to God..to be chosen...this is not exclusion of others but inclusion, a grand invitation into his Kingdom. These truths keep me in check regarding Regan's death. She was never mine. Sometimes I tricked myself into thinking that. She has always belonged to him. Death when we are alive in Christ is a full revelation of what we have been living all along (I think I got this idea from Nouwen too). Regan's death is reminding me that I too belong to the Father. What a blessing. Blessing seems like the simple word to say for such a great gift. I am glad I get to practice belonging with Brian, Ryder, Rylee and Regan, what a wonderful way to give Him praise. Even if for a moment.

Mountians and Ocean

I haven't posted lately because we have been on vacation. A couple of weeks after Regan died I said in a post that I wasn't sure where I next photo would be. I wondered where...wondered what it might be like. I thought maybe it would be on a mountain top or on a sandy beach...I never imagined that God heard that as a prayer. I wonder if maybe you made it one. Over the past two weeks we did both. We spend one week at a CIY in Durango CO..Brian spoke at it but we did some fun things in the afternoon and evening when he was done. We also had a family give us a week in the Condo in Florida. So, here it is....

Horse back riding near Durango Co. Regan never rode a horse...But we love them. Our ride was peaceful. She loved peaceful times. Joe our tour guide said to me when we were leaving when the kids were already in the car..." You have great children maim...I see a lot of kids on this job and yours are some of the best." I agreed. He then said, "They listen and follow instructions well without being afraid." I said, thank you..I think this is part of Regan's legacy in them.We visited Mesa Verde National Park....we think it is beautiful there...we remembered that God is doing a work among all people through out all time.We know that there is something greater than Disney Magic and look forward to the day when He swings wide the heavenly gates and prepare a way for the risen Lord and not a Mouse...we hope Regan gets to dance upon injustice down the streets of heaven.

We had this beach all to ourselves. I think I felt closes to Regan this day. We feel so separated from her...like we are oceans apart. Ryder said that he thinks God made oceans and mountains to remind us (humans) that we are really small...and he is really big.

These two weeks were made possible by loving people CIY, the Rutledges, my friends who took care of my house and garden and fish, and Regan. We have never gone on a big vacation. It is always simple. LCC takes our small life insurance policies on all their employee and their children. We had our own life insurance policy on Regan. So we used this other small policy for this vacation. So in a weird way....this is her gift to us. Regan mostly loved us...not places or other people. Every day when I would watch Ryder and Rylee laugh I thought Regan would love that. She would love to make them laugh..and have happy memories. Memories that were without her but make possible by her. I hope God told her about it. It is hard making memories even happy ones with out here there. We were jealous of all the families we saw at the theme parks with special children in their family. I am normally not a jealous person. I like my husband, my kids, my life...I don't want any one else's....but I wish I was pushing Regan around Sea World...taking her out of her chair so she could see. Pushing her under the misters to cool down. Waiting on the side with Regan while Brian and the kids did roller coasters. I never felt left out just honored to journey with her along the edge. I wish I was seating with her at the ocean...letting waves crash in over her legs. No Disney magic can make this come true....we just miss her. We toasted to her one evening..."To a girl who taught us to see our glasses as half full."