Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Longing

One year and two months ago today Regan died. I know not everyone keeps track of a date like this. People in new relationships count like this. Most mothers do until their child turns two. Maybe that is when I will let all this silly counting go or maybe I never will. Only time will tell. The day that Regan died profoundly changed my life. It might be the biggest day in my life. I have never watched anyone die. Brian has had several opportunities to be with people and their families during the moment of death. These moments are precious to him....Reg's is of course a stand out but still it is precious to watch someone drop their body and be with Jesus in this paradise. I miss her worse as time passes. I am sure as time moves on it will let up. I don't tell most people this because most have moved on. I however have not....this whole thing is difficult.

I like to walk down the rows of flowers in gardening centers. Yesterday while I waited for my friend Laura to by spray paint I took a stroll through the flowers at ACE. I put my face to the sky and let my hands pass by the flowers on both sides. I whispered "I miss you Regan." Sounds crazy because I know she can't hear me but I have to say it out loud or I feel I will burst. I wonder if paradise smells like sweet flowers. I wonder as I listen to doves sing and robins tweet "Are these the sounds my sweet baby sings with?" and "Are these the smells that fill her cute little nose?" (This nose was perfect for kissing and I assume that it looks the same now because it was alreay perfect.) I picture her there walking....sometimes I lay in my grass on my back by her grave maker that is in my yard and look up at the sky. I wonder if she gets to lay in the grass and watch the blue sky. (This is a side bar but I hope in the new heaven and new earth we still mow because I love to mow and I love the smell of fresh cut grass.) I don't think I ever let Regan lay on the grass...I was too afraid of bugs biting her. Plus she hated bright lights so facing the sun wasn't enjoyable to her. She laid on blankets in the grass with her head on our laps. I only have one memory of her on the grass and it was while we took family pictures on our first first Easter in Lincoln.

This longing I have to be with Regan is unlike anything I have ever experienced. I have never longed for anything as much as I do this.....it is teaching me what a true longing for God feels like. I have always wanted to know God and the power of his resurrection but now my mind understands a deeper longing...one the is more pure and firmly set. I keep praying that God would teach me to long for Him like I long to be with her. I am sure this will be a life long process. I am stubborn. But He is making my heart more purely passionate for Him.

Over that past few weeks I have been stretching my mind and spirit around the idea that God longs for me. He longs for me to stop and set down with him. To be aware that we are always together. Just like I long for Regan or even now how I want Ryder or Rylee to come and set with me and "chat it up" or share their life with me. I understand that I will always love my children more than they love me. So my desire is for them more than their desire is for me. This is the way proper parenting should be because they can't out love me. So, I think this reveals God's love for us. Sometimes I forget that my desire for relationship with God isn't one sided. He wants me too. As a matter of reality He loves me more than I could ever love him.

When I was a new christian I listened to Rich Mullins all the time. He was one of my early spiritual influences. One of his songs says, "In this reckless raging fury that we call the love of God." This description keeps running in my brain. This is not an angry rage but a powerful and intense love. Like a storm that rages. God loves me with a raging fury. He will do ANYTHING to have relationship with me except make me.

I feel blessed to feel this fury. I want my life to be a full awareness of Ps 139. That he knows me all of me. That no darkness can hide me. That in him there is no darkness only light. "The night shines like noonday sun." Often I think that I am away from God or that parts of my earthy experiences are hidden. But this is not truth. The truth is...He will do ANYTHING to have relationship me with. He is in hot pursuit after me. No amount of longing I could ever have for him can compare to HIS desire for me. He is always with me. He always knows me. He is always searching my heart for truth. He doesn't look at what I do or don't do...He looks at ME. He wants me. That even feels weird to write. But it is true....He wants me.

6 comments:

Amy Jo said...

thank you for this perspective, Chantell...I needed to hear this today

katie.serfoss said...

Chantell,
This is so beautifully written...I admire your writing! I also have these thoughts and often talk out loud to Hailey. It has been almost four months ago that Hailey died and it still feels like yesterday. We will always miss our girls, but we are so blessed for the time we got to share with them! We are going to the Mitochondrial Symposium and to the Day on the Hill next week. I look forward to meeting other "mito" families and trying to make a difference at the Capitol.

Mills Family said...

Katie-

I am proud of you...I knew you were going and I am glad you are! I think we might do a fundraiser in Regan's honor this summer for the foundation. We need a cure....I love you dear friend.

Palmer said...

Having never been through anything like what you've experienced in losing Regan, I really appreciate the opportunity to see things through your eyes.

And if there's lawn mowing in heaven, you can come over to my mansion and do our yard, too.

jkrbeloved said...

Thanks Chantell, your ability to find in your pain an analogy about your passion for God is moving to me and draws my heart toward God. Julia Rossen

Emmary said...

"They will never out-love me." Thank you for putting my emotions into words. Such a sweet glimpse into God's love for us.

thank you