Route 5

I think it was around the time that Regan was born or maybe right after she was diagnosed with seizures and we knew that life would be difficult for her that we first started calling the song by Steven Curtis Chapman "Finger Prints of God" Regan's song....not the first verse but the second one that says,

"Never has there been and never again will there be another you. Fashioned by God's hand and perfectly planned to be just who you are. And what He's been creating since the first beat of your heart is a living breathing priceless work of art. And just look at you You're a wondering in the making and God's not through, no in fact He's just getting stared and I can see the fingerprints of God. When I look at you I can see the fingerprints of God and I know it's true You're a masterpiece That all creation quietly applauds and you're covered with the fingerprints of God."

Somehow we knew right from the start that we would have to make the choice to SEE God's image in her. This is challenging because we usually want to see God's image in things like victory, strength and perfectness...Regan was God's creation, perfectly plan just as she was. Now this song was mostly the kids and I..Brian isn't big on sweet little songs. We heard this song almost everyday while we were on vacation. We thought it was pretty cool. I love this picture of her because I can see the light of Jesus in her eyes...a joy that is beyond anything I think I have ever known...I think Regan understood something deeper about life than I do. I think she as enlightened in a way....she saw things correctly..the way Jesus wants us to maybe.

Another one of SCC songs that has meant a lot to me when I started this grief process over six years is called "With Hope" Six years ago I was grieving the ideas and plans for Regan that died because she had a mitocondrial disorder. It was then that I grieved that she wouldn't have a full life or a long one for that matter. I grieved for her and for me that she would never know the experience falling in love and that I wouldn't get to watch her. I grieved that she would never know the feeling of running in her daddy's arms when he comes home from work and I wouldn't get to watch it. I grieved that she would never know sleeping over at her best friends house, going to Kindergarten, prom, driving, being Rylee's maid of honor at her wedding, having babies of her own...and I wouldn't get to watch her. So all this lose made me start to grieve her. Though I thought all this practice would help me for the deeper grief that would come somewhere in the future...the future that I am living in now....I don't know that anything can prepare you for this. But the song says this,

This is not at all how we thought iwas supposed to be. We had so many plans for you we had so many dreams. And now you've gone away and left us with the memories of your smile and nothing we can say and nothing we can do can take away the pain. The pain of losing you, but "We can cry with hope, We can say good bye with hope. Cause we know our goodbye is not the end, oh no. And we can grieve with hope, cause we believe with hope There's a place by God's grace. There's a place where we'll see your face again. We'll see your face again and never have I Known anything so hard to understand. And never have I questioned more the wisdom of God's plan. But through the cloud of tears I see the Father's smile and say well done. And I imagine you where you wanted most to be. Seeing all your dreams come true cause now you're home and now you're free and We have this hope as an anchor. Cause we believed that everything God promed us is true. We wait we hope. We hold on with hope. We let go with hope."

This song is getting lots of air time again because of Steve Curtis's daughter recent death....So sad for them...so tragic...I know they hope. I am glad God him that song so long ago to help us all along now.