Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Tangled UP!

For the past two summers I have grown a flower in the same spot on my back deck. This year the Zinna's wouldn't grow there. So, I planted this in it's spot to celebrate Regan's birth day. Regan's grave marker is sits below it. I spend some time there most days. I love my back yard garden. I love to set beside this plant in the grass. It is my bit or paradise. I lay with my face to the sky. I watch the clouds. I listen to the birds sing. My tears water the grass below me. I miss my baby. I wish eternity didn't seem so far away. This lovely flower reminds me of her because she was lovely. It had tangled vines. You can't unwind them because they are tangled so closely. It is tangled so closely that you can't tell where one vine starts and the other one ends. Regan is tangled in our lives the same way. We can't get her unraveled from our lives. She is wound tight into our lives! I like it this way. However this makes my life more difficult. Everything reminds me of her.

Today I am going to babysit my friend's little girl Faith. She has autism. She also has the same therapist as Regan had. All tangled up!

Yesterday I was crying because I miss her. I was moving some dirt. So I was singing some "I miss you songs" while listening to my ipod. I was standing in the back of a trailer sweat streaming down my neck and tears down my checks. My neighbor heard me singing. She thought it was great. I thought it felt like a relief. Just like Brian, Ryder and I driving through the cemetery last night for half an hour. Ryder said, "I think people might think we are weird." All tangled up!

Sunday Brian and I rode in the elevator at church. I hadn't done that since she died. All tangled up.

Saturday I found new pictures of Regan had hadn't seen. They were on Rylee's camera. We enjoy looking at her in new ways. All tangled up!

Friday I saw one of Regan's little friend Kayla wheeling around in her back yard playing with her friends. She has an electric wheelchair. I wish Regan could play with her. I wanted to watch for a while but I think that is stocking. All tangled up!

You see I probably make people nuts because I can't stop thinking about her. I can't stop thinking about her. I guess she is just all tangled up.


Tiffany said...

I would think you were nuts if you did stop thinking of her! I'm glad to be "tangled up" with you and your family. Love you,sister friend!

Amy Jo said...

Thanks for sharing your honesty and being vulnerable. We love you and we loved her!

Emmary said...

I don't think I could live without your "tangled up" thoughts. They are the most honest words I have ever read. My heart hurts as I read, but I know Christ is healing us all. Love to you.

Claudia said...

I like listening...oh well "reading" your thoughts. She inspires you and you inspire others...even in the ends of the world. Keep writting!

shannon said...

I would like to echo Tiffany's thoughts. I love you and miss her with you.