Friday, March 07, 2008

Being a First Grader

Regan was born on the first day of summer. We actually considered giving her the middle name Summer but went with Faith instead...good decision on our part. So I am never sure what grade Regan would be in if she went to "regular" school. Ryder is a summer baby too and went sent him early and he has done great so I always figure we would have done the same with her. So, when I think about what grade Regan is in I think first.
The first couple of years of Regan's life it was hard for me to be around other kids that were her age because it made me sad. God and I had many talks about why all these things were wrong with Regan. I had my eyes focused on her. Then one day I held a baby. I think it might have been Morah Gowin, Morah was only a few weeks old but her muscles were stronger than Regan's were even though Regan was probably three at the time. I realized how amazing God made childhood development it and how most of the time it goes just fine yet there are so many little things that could go wrong that don't. God really knew what HE was doing when He made us. So I started working in the Toddler room at our church. Every month I spend time with little Toddlers who call Regan "baby" and I say "No she is six...she is a big girl." They don't understand (because they are two) and they say "Good baby"and pat her on her knee. They are right. So I agree with them she is a good baby and we move on.
I got the wonderful gift on Wednesday night to be the first grade sub for our programing at our church. I got to help first graders memorize a verse of the bible and then played games with them to help them get it even better. Our story was about Jesus' story of the farmer and the seeds. We played games like plant freeze tag, memory, and even a game with balls and hula hoops. They are a funny group. Three of the kids, Kate, Brandon and Eli belong to three of my good friends; Shannon, Marci and Jennifer. So, I am with them frequently and I know and already love them deeply....Kate and I did the happy dance when we realized we would be together. Brandon put his head on my shoulder during worship. Eli sat by me during class. We had a great time. I helped them sound out the words they don't know yet. They are still learning frequently used words and don't fully understand phonics yet. I don't understand phonics yet either so we share this in common. We repeated phrases over and over together so they could get them to go deep into their mind. We reviewed things like who is the farmer in this story...Jesus is the farmer....what is the seed....God's Word is the seed....what is the dirt..our hearts are the dirt....what are the weeds....distractions are the weeds. They even knew deep theological things like why did farmer throw His seeds everywhere? "Because He wants His Word to go EVERYWHERE!" A great time with great Jesus loving people. I'm glad I'll know them all their life. I look forward to their weddings someday.
That night I had a difficult time sleeping because all I could think about was how I wish I was Regan's sub that night. I wish she and I could share the memory of the night I subbed for her class at church and we played freeze tag, how I helped everybody sound out their word for memory, how we threw balls into hula hoops, ...I want to say to her...."Regan who is the Farmer?" and her to say to me "Jesus is the Farmer Mama....come on everybody knows that!" I want to say..."Regan's turn to throw the ball." I want to know that she knows that Jesus wants His Word to go EVERYWHERE! I know that if she were "normal" these would be some of her BFF's. I know that she and Kate would be frustrating Rylee because they were leaving her out. Currently when Brandon comes over to play he wants to play with Ryder. Ryder and Hannah (Brandon's big sister) are close friends...they play with Brandon but....really want their own time. If Regan were normal Regan and Brandon would be playing video games together or playing cars. Eli always wants Regan to spend the night with him when Ryder and Rylee get to spend the night with Ethan and Ashton (his brother and sister). Eli is special too and he sees Regan more normal than most. He asks expecting that this should happen. Regan should get to spend the night. Jennifer and I wish they could send the night...(they are little still so this would be okay.....) All of these little guys love Regan and are very sweet to her and consider Regan their friend but Regan is a good baby....not a playmate.
So I decided for a few days I am just going to let the tears flow. Jesus said one time when He was throwing some seeds around that "Blessed are those who mourn...for they will laugh later." I know is was talking about mourning your sin...but I am mourning the effects of Sin so I think it does apply. Everyday I see what sin does to Regan's body and I remember what it is doing to the world around us...It motivates me to do the work of pulling out the weeds and rock that get in the way of being like Jesus.
I get mournful sometimes because I want to look forward to her wedding someday too. Instead, I get to look forward to FULL Redemption of the earth. Now that picture makes me laugh. Me and Regan trying to hula hoop...me with my new hips and Regan with her's...or maybe even better we will all be like Regan with NO HIPS AT ALL!

12 comments:

shannon said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
shannon said...

I love you.

Jen and Joel Searby said...

I'm crying. I never cry. You are a wonderful mother. - Jen

Mandy said...

ditto and ditto. You ARE a wonderful mother. And being able to mourn the effects of sin knowing that it will all be redeemed later is a mighty, weighty thing to do. Even if you let the tears flow for days and days, you're stronger than most anyone I know.

I love you for being an example of strength. Among many other reasons.

The Young Circus said...

I'm crying, too. Thank your for your honesty and integrity as a mother. You are a pillar of strength and encouragement for so many people. Thank you for allowing God to use you in so many ways. :-)

Lori said...

Hi, Chantell. I haven't had a chance to look at your blog for quite a while with our moving craziness. But I did today. And I'm crying, now, too...

Last Wednesday was Hannah's IEP at her new school. It was the first time I didn't cry on her IEP day. I guess that has been my annual day to let myself mourn what Hannah is not. There are other moments in the year, too. But mostly we try to celebrate what she is. I know you feel the same way about Regan, just probably more so!

Lots of love and hugs (and tears),

Lori

Cindy said...

I can talk the talk of "when we all get to Heaven, Regan will be this, or that" but the reality is living in the here and now has to be incredibly hard for you and Brian. I commend you for your willingness to be strong AND to be weak, for even in our weaknesses HE IS STRONG for us. Thank you for the model of motherhood you are to me. For just being real. I am thinking of you today. Love you!

KimG said...

I also want to share my appreciation of you and your willingness to be so open and honest about all your thoughts and feelings. I am not crying, but that is only because my allergy meds have dried all the tears! This morning we read 1 Tim. 1:7 during our devotion time. I thought specifically about you, for God has definitely given you a spirit not of timidity but of POWER!
Ashamedly I also want to confess that the very topic of your blog was a main reason for me not keeping in touch with you. I couldn't get over feeling guilty about all the milestones Cailey was moving through without Regan. Since they are so close in age, I would find myself not able to truly celebrate the things Cailey was doing and saying, knowing that you and Brian were not doing the same with Regan. I still deal with it on some levels today, but knowing that you are such a willing instrument of God's will encourages me through it.

Love you,
Kim

amyjo said...

I started reading this post a few days ago and decided I didn't have time to cry, so quit--ha! Anyway, beautiful post, sweet mama! Well worth the drips to read!

velvet said...

Funny, I had a crying session with God this morning too. Often, when I read your blog, I walk away in disbelief of how you handle your emotions day in and out. My reasons for pouring myself out once a year don't even compare to what you do in one day. I mostly wish I could hug you. You are definitely a pillar of strength, even in weakness.

I pulled your blog up at the kitchen table one night and showed a picture of Regan. Owen didn't see anything different about her. He said she was a cute girl with curly hair :)

Justin & Jenny said...

Since I'm done crying...I'm gonna laugh at the thought of hula hooping with you two sweet girlies. Now I'm smiling! Thank you for sharing your brokenness and hope in Christ with us.

Kathy said...

Yes, Regan is a miracle. This is just a temporary setback. She will get stronger and able to fight this infection. Focus on the joy, I know it is hard. When my son was injured that is what many people told me. My response at first was "are you crazy"? Then I opened my Bible and read about His goodness. I knew I needed to focus on the positive,the uplifting, the gratefulness I should have been feeling instead of the struggles. What I needed was rest. What you need is rest. Rest in Him.

Prayers are on the way.

Kathy