Eavesdropping

The greatest gift I ever received outside of the Grace of God, that I live and breathe in each day, is my husband. The greatest gift he ever gave me is to let me be a stay at home mom. In the last eight weeks (we think we are a lot like a newly dating couple...honoring each week like it is a silver anniversary..I don't know that Wednesdays will ever be the same.) ...anyway In the last eight weeks I have never been so great full for this gift of mothering Regan Faith Mills. The first few days after she died I just kept saying "Thank you" to Brian for giving me this gift of being a "domestic engineer." I know he thinks he missed so much each day while he was at work but while he sacrificed and worked I got the joy of taking care of all three of my children but in the last few years it has just me Me and Regs. I had help but I was still the one primarily with her each day. I have very few regrets thus far in raising my children. One thing that helps is that I have been with them...I have been the gate keeper....all of this made possible by our supporting sponsor B. Mills.

Now I have to clarify because I am NOT trying to say that women who work are wrong. I think in some cases Mom's who work make better mom's because work increases their capacity to mother. Some of my dearest and closest friends work outside the home.....some part time, some full time...Their children are great. They are great mother's and their husbands work just as hard as mine. I know when this is a hot button issue. I am not a person who thinks that because I do it this way all people should. I think the grace of God is huge. I think his path for us on the narrow way makes room for holy diversity...

Now back to my heart of gratitude. Each day when Brian would leave for work he would go in and spend a few minutes with Regan by himself. He would kiss her on her head and talk to her....I don't know what he said because he was by himself. I know he kissed her because I could hear it on the baby monitor. I know he talked to her because that too I could hear it on the baby monitor. Then he would come to the kitchen and kiss me good-bye and I would say "Go change the World...I'll stay here and change diapers!" This sounds like I felt like I am bitter about staying home bu I am not...changing my kids diapers is changing the world in my opinion. As he would call me throughout the day to check on Regan he often said how leaving her was very hard on his heart. He wanted to be with her. This was the reality of our life.

I know that walking out the door each day is still one of the hardest moments of Brian's day. He has no one to go kiss on the head and talk to before work. I miss eavesdropping on the whole event. I have yet been able to say "Go change the world....because I'm not changing diapers anymore.....I guess the one thing that is the same is that his heart is missing her....just NOW more than ever. This is the new reality of our life.

Most people don't know this but Sunday's were Brian and Regan's day. Before we moved to Lincoln getting the kids ready and to church was always my responsibility. Since he worked for the church he got their early. So I like lots of mom's around the world...got my kids up and to church by myself. Brian didn't even know where their Sunday School classes were. However our move to Lincoln changed all that. We were able to get ready together, drive in the same care together, set together in Sunday School and church each week. Brian asked if He could have the responsibility of Regan during church. It was his gift of me. He sat by her and if she needed a diaper change or had a seizure or if she was crying he would take care of it. If she couldn't go to church he would stay home with her so I could go. He even got her dressed and ready for church. I loved to listen to him do that on the baby monitors too! The sounds of the two of them interacting with each other was music to my ears. She had strong vocal reactions to her daddy. He was great at giving her "rub downs" with baby lotion. She always looked great but she especially looked great on Sundays...all this made possible by the loving support of B.Mill..Regan's daddy. Now he doesn't get to take care of her during church. This is a painful just like walking out the door with out her but it is the new reality of our life.

Father's Day is this weekend. We will celebrate by eating Sushi with Brian. I am so thankful to God that he saw fit to give me Brian Mills as a husband and to be the father of my kids. Brian is faithful. He is a faithful husband, dad, friend, employee, and man of God. He a model of integrity. Their has never been one moment I have been ashamed of something he has done. I am so glad I get to eavesdrop on his fathering.....even if we don't need baby monitors anymore. He spurs me to be a better mom by being all Christ wants me to be...to live up to the calling of Christ...to use my gifts and passions for God. This has been and always will be the reality of my life.