The Long and Short of it.....

This week is a short week because Ryder, Rylee and Regan don't have school either Monday or Friday. I am having a garage sale tomorrow and Friday. It won't be big but I have a few things I want out!

Regan had a 45 minute seizure on Saturday evening. She had several that day so we decided to give her a special medicine we have for just these occasions. It is like Valium and we give it to her rectally. She can only take it a couple times a month because it is so strong and you can grow immune it if you use it to much. So, it worked and it knocked her out of the seizures and it also relaxed her chest so she is breathing easier now too. She has actually been off oxygen since Sunday. Praise God for that!

I've been thinking lately about how these days since Regan has been born have been long days. When you don't sleep much and you go hard when you are awake it makes the days seem long. Regan has had some long days ....the days must be long when you throw up all day,
cry all day because your shoulder sockets hurt because your shoulders sublux all the time,
your hip comes out of place for the tenth time,
you have fifteen seizures in one day,
your chest hurts from breathing so hard,
you pass your fourth kidney stone,
your muscles hurt, your head hurts,
my heart hurts watching all this happen. Regan has had some long days.....

Yet the years seem too short. It seems like only yesterday that we brought her to church for the first time (picture above) and dedicated her to God for His keeping all of her years. Little did we know how much help we would need. I must admit lately I just keep thinking I want more time...more years! Sometimes it makes me just plain mad at the few we may get. Six years just isn't enough. I. I am sure my mom would say it only seems like yesterday that I was six too! I think this is a feeling all mothers have about their children.


This morning Rylee and I were with Regan in her room while she had a seizure. Rylee of course made it there before me..she always hears them and response quickly. After a minute or so I said Rylee you should finish getting ready. She said, I just need to help her through this. Oh, how true that statement is...."we" just need to help her through. There is something about Regan that makes you need to be with her, need to help her, need to simply be....I'm glad we three girls have had each other these years. Though they are short they have been blessed
When the seizure was done...Regan looked up at Rylee and smiled. Rylee pretended to steal her nose, kissed her on her forehead and went on to brush her teeth.
................Long days and short years....blessed time.

Henri Nouwen said this "I see millions of lonely, starving faces all over the world, and large piles of dead bodies of people killed in cruel wars and ethnic conflict. Whose cup is this? It is our cup, the cup of human suffering. For each of us our sorrows are deeply personal. For all of us our sorrows, to are universal." (From "Can you drink this cup")


I wonder this..can I drink the cup of suffering...not just my own but the suffering of the world. I can not on my own. I can only bear it with the Holy Spirit power. I think it is one of the greatest paradoxes ...how suffering is so isolating but yet so universal. I wonder it if it is what the Evil one does with this our universal suffering..make us feel alone in it. It is his snare..the lie that no one else can understand. Our culture has bought it hook line and sinker. That only cancer patients relate to other cancer patients or mom's of kids with special needs relate to there mom's with kids with special needs. We need small groups of people just like us..in the same "demographic."
Is it that we think Jesus will understand us if we are around other people who are like us?

We have an even greater fear that if people really knew us they wouldn't like us. Often because we live in a society that doesn't know what to do with pain. We think that our response to our suffering and pain will be unacceptable to others because it is often times ugly. So in our response we will be unacceptable to others. So, we mask it, hide it or simply deny it is even there. What a waist. How lonely

Jesus at the last supper took the cup of redemption at the passover meal and said we should drink it and remember what he was about to do....that is Redeem us. So when we share in this cup with him we can not redeem but we make ourselves subjected to the process of redemption. We come in line with what He is doing. We, in our own pain and in bearing up with others in their pain, take the cup and we say "Jesus redeem this pain." We make it (the suffering) subjected to the work of the CROSS and it is made redeemable.

This morning I thank God for this. I thank him that every thing that man meant for evil He turns for good for those who trust Him. This is good because I am a man who has done evil and how has experienced it and seen it up close and watch it from afar. My hope is that HE is the REDEEMER and has a mighty plan of making it good. This turns my little isolated experience into part of a grand universal story of redemption. May we confess it and may we let our light reflect that to the world who is looking for it..even if they don't realize it. May we lean into it..and be embraced.

Picture of Rylee

Here is a picture of our sweet Rylee at the piano recital. We are just trucking through our week. Ryder and Rylee are so done with school. Regan is tired of coughing. Brian is teaching a class this week and I am just being a mom and wife.
God is good...all the time!

Silly little Rabbit

So a couple of years ago when we moved in this house I decided I wanted to learn about gardening and I wanted to have flower beds in my back yard. I love to be outside and I love to work so gardening is great fun for me. I even love pulling weeds. (We have them bad this year in my grass!) One of my favorite flower are "Black-eyed Susan's." They are about the size of a daisy but they are yellow with a dark center. They remind me of my mom. She loves yellow. She also loves to be outside and work so I probably get this from her. I miss her a lot so they make me smile.

Anyway, this silly little rabbit is slowly eating them. I thought I had lost from anyway from the late freeze but they are coming up and looking great. He has slowly but schematically eaten them. Everyone keeps telling me to shoot him with Ryder's bebe gun. But our paths never cross. ARRRRR...he makes me frustrated. Silly little Rabbit....go eat some weeds!

He won't eat the weeds. There are plenty of those. I would be happy if he would..he could have a feast..but no he wants my pretty flowers. Weeds are interesting to me..I heard someone say one time.."A weed is anything growing that you don't want in your flowerbeds." Very true. I love those tall orange day lilies I think they are called "Tiger Lilies" they remind me of Regan. They always bloom around her birthday. I had some in front of my house in Texas and they are all down the side of my house here. But many people don't like them...they think they are like weeds. My neighbors have been getting trying to kill of their "Snow on the Mountain" since I've known them. I have even planted some of their's in my garden. I love it...they are getting rid of it like a weed.
Jesus told a story about weeds once. In Matthew 13. He said "The weeds are the sons of the evil one, and the enemy who sows them is the devil." See weeds are from the EVIL ONE!

There are seasons in my life wither internally or externally Christ make me deal more heavily with the weeds in my life. I deal daily with the weeds that pop up (my temper flare, pride, or contentment). I want to deal with them before they take over. Then there are somethings that I realize "I don't like that anymore." It is like the my Day Lilies some think are weeds or my neighbor's beautiful vine I simply don't want them there. No one else my even notice but I KNOW it needs to go! It is hard work to keep all the weeds out and keeping my guard up against the work of the Evil One. It seems the Evil One won't destroy the weeds in my life he only goes after the parts of me that are most valuable. This process of of becoming the woman God wants me to be is done by the Holy Spirit, Me and in community....while working daily on this Journey with Jesus I am comforted to know this truth from the mouth of Jesus in Matthew 13....
"As the weeds are pulled up and burned in the fire, so it will be at the end of the age. The Son of Man will send out his angels, and they will weed out of his kingdom everything that causes sin and all who do evil. They will throw them into the fiery furnace, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth. Then the righteous will shine like the sun in the kingdom of their Father. He who has ears, let him hear.

One day our job will will done. We won't have to pick our weeds because JESUS will have wrapped all that work up himself. Then we will shine! We hear you Jesus we hear you! Thank you for the HOPE! So, today I say go pick a weed and enjoy some flowers and remember watch out for those little Rabbits!

ps Regan continues to be on a steady flow of breathing treatments and oxygen. Her seizures were up on Friday but good on Saturday. So keep up the prayers. They are like a fragrant offering to God...and we see the fruit (or flowers) of them popping up all over!
pss Rylee has her Piano Recital today! I would say I would post pictures later but I STILL HAVE NO CAMERA!

Recovery

I have been thinking this week about the the process of recovery. It is a peculiar thing. We want it with a strong desire.
We want to recover from the flu.
We want to recover from alcohol abuse.
We want to recover our youth.
We want to recover from being made fun on in first grade.
We want to recover from a loss of sleep.
We want to recover money that was waisted.
We simply want to recover.

Yet it seems to me we really don't recover. How can you really get over hurt, fatigue, pain...yet we simply want life to get better. We want to make what happened to us better....we want redemption or something. We want it all to mean something.

Regan did so well when we first came home. Now it is not so good. It is all very difficult to manage sometimes. My heart longs for recovery. I can hear it in people's questions. They want her to recover too..Even Regan's friend Kate who is also six said to me yesterday as we walked hand in hand down a sidewalk. "My heart just aches for little Regan." Me too, Kate, Me too! It is our nature to want recovery.

So I wonder if we simply let go of recovery and learned to rest in renewal. It seems to be what Christ offers us. Job 14:14 says "I will wait for my renewal to come." Renewal is total a forward motion. To be renewed is to be made new. It seems different than recovery. It is moving forward and less about the past. Not that we shouldn't try to heal our past but we do it by the work of renewal currently......currently the Holy Spirit is renewing us. Giving us the power to live. Giving us the power to cope. Reminding us that it may not recover but there is still hope...the hope of renewal.

To great women

I read this great quote recently.
To great women.. "To being one, knowing some, and raising them." I keep thinking of this all weekend. I had the great honor of watching six women who had been in my Spiritual Formation Group graduate on Saturday. My heart beamed with pride as each of them crossed the stage. Three of them are going foreign missions (Africa, New Zealand and a Destination Unknown). Two of them our business majors and one will be a school teacher in a public school. I got to talk to my mother and my mentor on the phone this weekend. I spend time with friends this weekend who are great women. I got some good time in with my girls! All great women at various places on their journey...they have all helped me become who I am today. I think about all the women in my life that are great mothers and the list goes on and on. They are married, single, divorced but all of them strive to be the woman God made them to be...they work hard at it. They inspire me in big and small ways to become a great woman and to not grow weary at doing what is good. These women have spoken into me throughout my life and God has used them to change me and make me who I am today. I was raised by one of the finest..so there is hope for me yet! Thanks to you....We need more great woman. So, today the day after mother's day....
To great women.. "To being one, knowing some, and raising them."

Ps Regan continues to struggle with her breathing...there is lots of suction going on around here. It is round the clock vigilance to keep her stats us. Praise God for all oxygen tanks, breathing treatments, and meds that help her do all that she needs to do.

Ponderings....

Today Regan's seizures have been really bad. I hate them. I look forward to the day when she doesn't have to deal with them. It is painful to watch someone have one so I can not image how hard it is to actually go through them. I think of sin every time that she has one. I always have and I image I always will. I think...this is because of sin. No matter how glamorous sin looks it ultimately looks like this...after six years they still make my stomach hurt EVERY time...they don't get easier.
When Regan has one her breathing changes, she makes a different sound and her body contorts in unusually different and unnatural ways. They wake me from sleep, from eating, from laughing. If you spend time with Regan you begin to know the sound to...she almost always has a couple in the morning. when it starts the four of all yell..."Seizure!" at almost the same time. Then some or all us run TO her to comfort her through it. We can't make it stop but we are there. We know when she is in trouble and we respond in forward motion to her. She can't tell us..."hum I think a seizures is coming..it is going to happen in two minutes and last five..if you could plan on helping me out through it I would appreciate it." They come from no where....they last for different periods of time and they are at varying strengths. I hate them BUT I love her more!

Today I keep thinking how all this fits together with who Jesus calls us to be at the Family of God. What if we were so in tune with each other that we could yell..."Seizure!" for each other. I am glad I have people in my life who know me and respond to me. People who recognize when my breathing changes, when I start to say weird things, and when my actions contort in unusually ways that are unnatural to me. I am glad I have sisters and brothers in Christ that see I am in trouble and respond; their hearts to not grow cold to me when they happen a lot..they are with me in it. Sometimes sin comes from no where, last for different periods of time and are at varying strengths....some more palatable than others...all equally in need of grace.

Aren't we glad Jesus was a friend to the sinner (Matthew 11:19). He wasn't afraid of sin..or all the ugly things that come with it as it's side effects. He moved in forward motion TO it....not in retreat of it. Oh, I want to be more like that. Jesus make me more like you!

ps these pictures have nothing to do with this entry just a fun picture from this weekend at the pirate party.....arrrrrgggggg!

The Value of Family

We had another full weekend as this time of year usually is. We have been helping the Maupin's get their house ready. Rylee had her Spring Concert at church. We celebrated a upcoming wedding with a Shower for our Abby. Brian did lots of house projects for me. This marks two weeks for no oxygen for Regan. What a blessing! What a miracle!

I wish I could give you some pictures to look at but Ryder knocked my camera out of my hand today and Brian ran it over with the van. In this moment I was very mad. Ryder says I gave him that "You are going to die boy" look. I was speechless! I was shocked! I was mad! My camera was crushed. Those of you who know me well and know my home is covered in snap shots. I am a picture junky.....

Ryder is a sweet boy..a typical first born who hates to have anyone upset at him. He immediately apologized but honestly there is nothing that an "I sorry" can do in this situation. I know he is sorry and that he didn't mean to do it. But it doesn't change anything. My camera is crushed. When he apologized he said, "I know it doesn't help but I am sorry and if I were you I would still be mad at me too." It was a hard moment. I had to decide. Would I stay mad. When I am honest I wanted to. But it was just a camera. I told him I needed a few minutes to cool down. Then he and I talked about the value of a strong family. We have always taught our kids that people are more valuable than anything material. So, always share and make sure your heart is for the human not the thing. Boy that is easier said than done. I told him, "This is one of those moments Ryder when you learn that even though I am really mad at you I still love you and I think you are great; we are okay even though I am not okay."

I am often reminded at how difficult not coming from a stable home lives. So many of our students at LCC come from homes where their parents were horrible to them. It it those students who pop in my mind in moments like this. When I want to let my flesh win because I want to feel better. When I want to say something that will make him understand just how upset I am. I remember those students faces and I remember, I never want to say or do anything that will make my children think I don't love them.

It is a good reminder that it is in the home that we learn to love people, forgive people and learn to move on when we make mistakes. Inside our family is where we will fail, where we learn to cope, and then where we learn to build strategies for change. I know many of you who read this blog are mom's...What a great thing to be reminded of this week of Mother's Day. Our families are where are children learn how to live in the world, in their local communities, in their own families some day and ultimately within the body of Christ. Our families should inspire our children to want to find that kind of love in a mate and eventually make another family that creates this environment. This is the value of family.... not something dress up, be our little accessory, or build up for our own little ego or power struggles....the Family is Kingdom work.

Familiar.....in an whole new way.

I thought I would type a quick update...Regan continues to be breathing on her own. It is pretty amazing to see. I finally feel like this week I can leave her and not be continually worrying about her. It feels good to be able to be with her and not be wondering. Ryder has a crazy week so Regan is just coming along to be apart of her brother's big adventures. We are his biggest fans! (We might even be groupies?)

I just got back all the pictures we took a month ago...the picture that we thought would be our last family of five picture. It was a pose we have made a million times. We all knew exactly where to go...it was so familiar at such an unfamiliar moment. I think that is what we are trying to do now. Go about life in a familiar pose even though this is an unfamiliar time. We find ourselves experience great joy during these weeks. I have an expectation of them all summer long. I picture all of us swimming, camping, setting out on our back deck in the early morning listening to the birds and reading. Celebrating Regan's birthday on June 21. I see us doing all the things that are familiar to us. Yet enjoying them in a unfamiliar way. Be blessed today.