This week I have been very sad because of several tragedies happening all around me. Our friends Kyle and Katie lost their two year old Hailey who had a similar disorder to Regan. She died in the night last Friday. I am so sad for her loss. Some other tragedies are sin related so I can not speak about them here...but they grieve my soul. My brother lost his job this week. My dad had surgery. Some of my issures are in preparation for the Lent season that we have now entered into. It is painful because I know God created us to have different earthy experiences. These tragedies each represent a loss of some kind.
This week in the Divine Hours the prayer for the week says this..."Most loving Father, whose will it is for us to give thanks for all things, to fear nothing but the loss of you, and to cast all our cares on you who cares for us: Preserve me from faithless fears and worldly anxieties, that no clouds of this mortal life may hide from me the light of that love which is immortal, and which you have manifested to us in your Son Jesus Christ our Lord..."
So in God's great care for me He has given me words to say that are true. Because no words come to me in times like this. This is why I love these books of prayer. He has given me a reminder that though these things that burden me are losses (some greater and more painful than others) still yet I should fear none except the loss of HIM!
So I mentioned have been preparing for Lent. I wasn't sure I was going to give anything up because I feel like I have been in a season of "giving up" and really didn't know what to give up. But I was open. Yesterday standing in the Ash Wednesday service that I attended I was reminded that Lent is for everyone, for the old, the young, the newlywed, the children, and so I thought even those who have been in a season of "giving up." YES..even ME...the one who have given up! So I was committed to lenting. I need to be reminded of how sinful I am. Of just how much I need Jesus' resurecting power in my life. I feel at peace with what I am lenting...I look forward to Easter when I can have it back my sweet desserts. But my prayer will be "no loss like the loss of you, God" and probably also "All my delight is in you LORD! not in dessert!"
I also had this thought as the ashes were crossed on my forehead and these words were repeated "From dust you came and dust you will return." You see a body I love very much is returning to dust as I speak.....I don't like it very much. This is one of thoese "wordly anxieties" that I am confessing is clouding God's glory. Now granted, this loss is great in my life. It causes me great suffering. Yet these ashes remind me that a greater loss would be returning to dust myself without a knowing the one who mae me and without knowing His voice in my life. This loss would be greater...honestly at times I forget this truth. I think Kyle and Katie's loss is greater....I think divorce is greater, I think so many stupid things that I am embarassed to write are greater losses than that of the LOSS OF GOD; His presence in our lives.
"If the Lord had not been on our side-let Isreal say-If the Lord had not been on our side when men attacked us, they would have swallowed us alive in their burning anger against us. Then the waters whould have engulfed us; the torrent would have swept over us; the raging waters would have swept over us." Ps 124 1:1-5
You see though I am giving up I am not being swallowed, or engulfed, or swept away in the raging waters of pain, grief, saddness, or pain because He is at my side, forevermore. He is at the side of my family. Most importantly He is also at the side of the Father reminding Him that I am forgiven, that sometimes I don't know what I am doing, that I desire more of God even when I don't act like it. Praise God for a time of repentance....."to fear nothing but the loss of YOU!"
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Self-Book
So I like most everyone my age have a profile on Facebook. I enjoy the easy connection this gives me with people that I otherwise might not know much about. Girls I went to high school with. Guys I have known since I was a child. College students who have moved on with their lives and now have lives that being me hope. It even helps me with connection with people who are in my everyday life. I can go on and send a message and not worry if the email address I have for them is right.
However it (like Christmas cards) can do a whammy on my view of self. I was reminded of this sin of self so many times over the past few weeks. This might be one of the greatest sins we could have. Thinking too highly of our selves...or thinking too much about ourselves period. I admit that I have moments where myself is what is on my mind. I may cloak them in thoughts of others but ultimately and too often I really think it is all about me.
I am reading the Great Divorce by CS Lewis right now. In an exchange about humans the Spirit says, "They sink lower...become interested in their own personalities and then in nothing but their own reputations" (pg 85) That steps on my toes. Sometimes I even try to trick myself into thinking that my reputation in also God's this is true but when I am honest I sometimes care more about my own.
So this has got me thinking about moving higher instead of lower. So I wrote this statement as a prayer.... "Could I move higher...become so interested in who God is and then in nothing but His reputation!"
Lewis goes on to say that self centered living as a casket of death an... "airless, careless...impervious to all of love's arrow's and impervious to love it's self.
Lord, please let selfishness not be my casket but may I find ME by loosing ME and gaining YOU the LIFE! (Luke 9:24)
Like the great song Hosanna says....
"Take my heart and make it pure.....everything I am for your kingdom's causes!"
However it (like Christmas cards) can do a whammy on my view of self. I was reminded of this sin of self so many times over the past few weeks. This might be one of the greatest sins we could have. Thinking too highly of our selves...or thinking too much about ourselves period. I admit that I have moments where myself is what is on my mind. I may cloak them in thoughts of others but ultimately and too often I really think it is all about me.
I am reading the Great Divorce by CS Lewis right now. In an exchange about humans the Spirit says, "They sink lower...become interested in their own personalities and then in nothing but their own reputations" (pg 85) That steps on my toes. Sometimes I even try to trick myself into thinking that my reputation in also God's this is true but when I am honest I sometimes care more about my own.
So this has got me thinking about moving higher instead of lower. So I wrote this statement as a prayer.... "Could I move higher...become so interested in who God is and then in nothing but His reputation!"
Lewis goes on to say that self centered living as a casket of death an... "airless, careless...impervious to all of love's arrow's and impervious to love it's self.
Lord, please let selfishness not be my casket but may I find ME by loosing ME and gaining YOU the LIFE! (Luke 9:24)
Like the great song Hosanna says....
"Take my heart and make it pure.....everything I am for your kingdom's causes!"
Monday, February 09, 2009
Shared Experience of Glory
I have a weakness right now for the the phrase
Holy Holy Holy
I think Regan might get to sing it now since she is with Jesus. When I sing it I cry...but I sing it loud. It is something we might be getting to do together. It makes me happy.
The evening Regan was dying I sang the song "Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus" to her. We knew she was dying. I kept thinking about how this was the process she was going through. That soon she would "Look full in his wonderful face. And the things of earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace."
I sang it to my Granny the week I was with her too. I took a hymnal with me a few times when I went to set with her. I sang to her. I knew these were the songs that she needed to hear. Songs of hope eternal. Songs of our true home.
We sang "Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus" this week in church. So I started to cry because I have those recent memories. We don't sing it much anymore. So I am sure it is the first time I have sang it in a congregation in years....I remembered singing softly in Regan's ear. Telling her that if she saw Jesus she should go. Telling her how much we would miss her but how she would leave suffering behind.
Sunday I felt like maybe Regan would want me to hear these words. She really knows how wonderful His face is now. I was just dreaming about it when I sang it to her. I have never seen Jesus but I image it is lovely. Now it is her reality. I needed a reminder about the small and short these dark days will be compared to His eternal light and glory.
Some days feel really long lately. We all miss her. Since it is the dead of winter here there is not much light.....no glorious sun. This doesn't help things. We know there is a sun but at this point it is a distant memory. Last week I kept daydreaming about the pool, my backyard full of flowers, green grass, flip-flops, cloths on the line, counting up the days until lent will start so I can prepare for Easter. I needed some reminders of spring and reminders of what new life feels like. The light seems way too far out in the distance or way back in the past. We are in the in between...oh I hate this part. Yet He feels close by.
So, I feel blessed to know that God is with me. He outshines the sun. He is to be worshiped in every season. He promises that we can have new mercies everyday. I think that this means everyday...I am taking Him at His word. Praise God! Praise Him for Hope. Praise Him for the hope of a future, a shared experience of glory and for little glimpses of it now in the in between.
Holy Holy Holy
I think Regan might get to sing it now since she is with Jesus. When I sing it I cry...but I sing it loud. It is something we might be getting to do together. It makes me happy.
The evening Regan was dying I sang the song "Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus" to her. We knew she was dying. I kept thinking about how this was the process she was going through. That soon she would "Look full in his wonderful face. And the things of earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace."
I sang it to my Granny the week I was with her too. I took a hymnal with me a few times when I went to set with her. I sang to her. I knew these were the songs that she needed to hear. Songs of hope eternal. Songs of our true home.
We sang "Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus" this week in church. So I started to cry because I have those recent memories. We don't sing it much anymore. So I am sure it is the first time I have sang it in a congregation in years....I remembered singing softly in Regan's ear. Telling her that if she saw Jesus she should go. Telling her how much we would miss her but how she would leave suffering behind.
Sunday I felt like maybe Regan would want me to hear these words. She really knows how wonderful His face is now. I was just dreaming about it when I sang it to her. I have never seen Jesus but I image it is lovely. Now it is her reality. I needed a reminder about the small and short these dark days will be compared to His eternal light and glory.
Some days feel really long lately. We all miss her. Since it is the dead of winter here there is not much light.....no glorious sun. This doesn't help things. We know there is a sun but at this point it is a distant memory. Last week I kept daydreaming about the pool, my backyard full of flowers, green grass, flip-flops, cloths on the line, counting up the days until lent will start so I can prepare for Easter. I needed some reminders of spring and reminders of what new life feels like. The light seems way too far out in the distance or way back in the past. We are in the in between...oh I hate this part. Yet He feels close by.
So, I feel blessed to know that God is with me. He outshines the sun. He is to be worshiped in every season. He promises that we can have new mercies everyday. I think that this means everyday...I am taking Him at His word. Praise God! Praise Him for Hope. Praise Him for the hope of a future, a shared experience of glory and for little glimpses of it now in the in between.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Hope Hype
There is a lot of talk these days about hope. Many people have had their hope renewed by our new President. Last week I heard lots of people interviewed. Over and over I heard people lay that they feel like they woke up to a new world and that they felt like they needed to do more to be a better American. This is very interesting to me. Isn't it strange that people are so simply motivated. That their hope could be so simply placed.
Now I like Obama. I almost voted for him. I think he will make a great President. I am praying for him and his family. I cried as I watched him sworn in. So this is not a statement about him. I actually feel like this is not fair to him. I don't know how he could ever deliver all that people expect of him. I trust he will do a great job.
However President Obama has no affect on who I am. James 4:1 asks us "What is the source of the wars and the fights amoung you? Don't they come from the cravings that are at war within you?"...then goes on to say in verse 7 "therefore submit to God but resist the Devil and he will flee from you. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you."
So who I am should not be based upon who others are. I am influenced by others just like everybody. I sometimes joke to harshly because I know people think it's funny....I am human and I am sinful. I don't always want people to know I am weak. I say I am okay when I am not. I make things sound harder than they really are just to make myself look stronger than I really am. I realize that I need to do better not because someone else is better...not because they make me want to BE better. I realize no person who has that control over me. Even if I could whip it for a while I would go back. Even if I volunteered 5 hours to community service....this doens't make me better....But there is one who can.
I want to be a good American, a good citizen, a good neighbor, a dependable friend, a good employee and a good caretaker of this earth These are not based upon wither I like my neighbor, or a like my President but because God calls me to it. My hope is in Him....not in my country. I am a citizen of another city....who's builder is God. I am greatful for this great country. I pray that she will be used by God to do good things for the world...to bring hope to hurting people....mostly I want this to be true of His church. May we draw near to God. Trust Him for our future. Give to Him our present and repent of our past. I thank God for a country that can learn from it's mistakes. That we could elect and move an Africian American Presidental family into a house that was built by slaves. I am grateful we can change and learn to do better as a country. It reminds me that God could do that within me to....renew me...make me different than I was...I need that hope.
This is true hope. Not just temprorary hope that fades in 100 days....hope that is simply hype. This is hope that changes everything..everywhere....for all time.
Now I like Obama. I almost voted for him. I think he will make a great President. I am praying for him and his family. I cried as I watched him sworn in. So this is not a statement about him. I actually feel like this is not fair to him. I don't know how he could ever deliver all that people expect of him. I trust he will do a great job.
However President Obama has no affect on who I am. James 4:1 asks us "What is the source of the wars and the fights amoung you? Don't they come from the cravings that are at war within you?"...then goes on to say in verse 7 "therefore submit to God but resist the Devil and he will flee from you. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you."
So who I am should not be based upon who others are. I am influenced by others just like everybody. I sometimes joke to harshly because I know people think it's funny....I am human and I am sinful. I don't always want people to know I am weak. I say I am okay when I am not. I make things sound harder than they really are just to make myself look stronger than I really am. I realize that I need to do better not because someone else is better...not because they make me want to BE better. I realize no person who has that control over me. Even if I could whip it for a while I would go back. Even if I volunteered 5 hours to community service....this doens't make me better....But there is one who can.
I want to be a good American, a good citizen, a good neighbor, a dependable friend, a good employee and a good caretaker of this earth These are not based upon wither I like my neighbor, or a like my President but because God calls me to it. My hope is in Him....not in my country. I am a citizen of another city....who's builder is God. I am greatful for this great country. I pray that she will be used by God to do good things for the world...to bring hope to hurting people....mostly I want this to be true of His church. May we draw near to God. Trust Him for our future. Give to Him our present and repent of our past. I thank God for a country that can learn from it's mistakes. That we could elect and move an Africian American Presidental family into a house that was built by slaves. I am grateful we can change and learn to do better as a country. It reminds me that God could do that within me to....renew me...make me different than I was...I need that hope.
This is true hope. Not just temprorary hope that fades in 100 days....hope that is simply hype. This is hope that changes everything..everywhere....for all time.
Tuesday, January 06, 2009
My Un Christmas Letter
I really love Christmas Cards...I love the photos. I am a photo person. I actually keep Christmas photos up all year on a bulletin board in our kitchen. I like to look at them. Most of the people I don't get to see except on really special occasion yet many of them are very special to me. Some of these are childhood friends, college friends, friends from Brian's childhood that I only know because of him and their annual card, family members, friends from previous ministries and a few here in Lincoln. I love the letters that come with the pictures too. Yet it seems sometimes my jealousy gets stirred up as I read them. Am I the only one this happens too? We get a glimpse into someones life..it seems "picture perfect." I have a friend whose husband took control of their Christmas Letter because he wanted it to not be so perfect...not just the victories but the honest struggles too. Their letter I always look forward to. Now I have no judgment on these cards because if I were to write one I would do the same thing...I do it all the time on this blog. So this is not about the letters this is about what goes on inside of me. I admit that I want a Christmas Card life...you know the one I am talking about...everyone is smiling, we are on a beach, a mountain, or maybe the snow is all around us and all we hope for our new year is to lose weight. The one where our kids are happy to be in our family, everyone is dressed cute, we all match, everyone loves each other. Yet this is not always the way my family is....as a matter of fact last year (Christmas 07) we couldn't even pull it together long long enough to snap the picture by the tree. Does this happen to anyone else?
So this morning while the towels were drying and the bacon was cooking in the oven and I had a quiet moment to journal some thoughts I remembered how thankful I am for my unChristmas Card life. I am thankful for my friends and family who accept my unperfect kids. They are often selfish, they judge others, they have lied, they have stolen, they have been too harsh, they have been a bully, they have been mean, they have causes pain instead of brought peace. They have repeated things they shouldn't have. They do not always use their manners. They have not learned the important lesson's of High School Musical (I II or III). You know that we're all in this together so stop looking out for just you! I realize that sometime in the future my kids may be the ones to tell your kids that their is no such thing as Santa or about what "sex" really is. Maybe they already have? They may drink beer, drive to fast, look at porn on your computer, or many other things I don't want to think about or type. My kids aren't perfect even though I would really love it if they were. I used to struggle a lot with this and feel like their flaws were some type of reflection on me. This is true to a strong degree but mostly they aren't perfect because they are sinful humans. God is at work in them but this is mostly between them not me. After all He is really the One who made them. I have had to learn to trust God with them and stop trying to control every little thing in their life.....
Back to my gratitude. So I am thankful for friends who will accept my children as they are. I am thankful for all the ones a long the way that have reminded me of where to let go and where to stand my ground. These conversations have happened in the hallways of church, on the phone, around a table, at Starbucks, on walks, in books I have read, in prayers together, .....So today I am thankful for the people in my life who know my life is no greeting card (and I know yours isn't either) but a life where God is at work redeeming all the broken parts. He is moving those of us who cherish Him through our journey's with mercy and grace. Thank God for the reminder that He gives us through our children of how deep and wide that mercy and grace can run. Thank God that we can understand that He wants more Good for us than we could ever want for ourselves because we fill this way about our own children. God knows us not the snapshot of a great moment but all the small insignificant moments and even the really ugly ones...He accepts us anyway. Help us God to be that way with each other.....more grace in Jesus name.
So this morning while the towels were drying and the bacon was cooking in the oven and I had a quiet moment to journal some thoughts I remembered how thankful I am for my unChristmas Card life. I am thankful for my friends and family who accept my unperfect kids. They are often selfish, they judge others, they have lied, they have stolen, they have been too harsh, they have been a bully, they have been mean, they have causes pain instead of brought peace. They have repeated things they shouldn't have. They do not always use their manners. They have not learned the important lesson's of High School Musical (I II or III). You know that we're all in this together so stop looking out for just you! I realize that sometime in the future my kids may be the ones to tell your kids that their is no such thing as Santa or about what "sex" really is. Maybe they already have? They may drink beer, drive to fast, look at porn on your computer, or many other things I don't want to think about or type. My kids aren't perfect even though I would really love it if they were. I used to struggle a lot with this and feel like their flaws were some type of reflection on me. This is true to a strong degree but mostly they aren't perfect because they are sinful humans. God is at work in them but this is mostly between them not me. After all He is really the One who made them. I have had to learn to trust God with them and stop trying to control every little thing in their life.....
Back to my gratitude. So I am thankful for friends who will accept my children as they are. I am thankful for all the ones a long the way that have reminded me of where to let go and where to stand my ground. These conversations have happened in the hallways of church, on the phone, around a table, at Starbucks, on walks, in books I have read, in prayers together, .....So today I am thankful for the people in my life who know my life is no greeting card (and I know yours isn't either) but a life where God is at work redeeming all the broken parts. He is moving those of us who cherish Him through our journey's with mercy and grace. Thank God for the reminder that He gives us through our children of how deep and wide that mercy and grace can run. Thank God that we can understand that He wants more Good for us than we could ever want for ourselves because we fill this way about our own children. God knows us not the snapshot of a great moment but all the small insignificant moments and even the really ugly ones...He accepts us anyway. Help us God to be that way with each other.....more grace in Jesus name.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Confident in This
As we arrive here at Christmas time I have so many emotions. I am happy because it is the "most wonderful time of year"....I would argue that Easter should be looked at this but Christmas is also great for me because my husband was born in December. We also got married in December. My husband also gets time off during December which also makes me extremely happy. Being with him is my favorite thing. I also love my extended family. Time with them makes me happy. I have gotten to spend lots of time being an Aunt this month. Really fun...they are always eager to tell me cute things and share there affection with me.
I am excited we are taking a ski trip for the first time as a family. This too is bitter sweet because Regan's limitations also limited us. We are celebrating her limitless life with Christ by doing things this year that are active....On a similar note a friend of my dad's had me flown on his private plan to my Granny's funeral...an awesome way to celebrate this as well....
Yet, I am sad. I still can't believe Regan is dead. My brain still forgets this fact all too often. Still 9 months later I think of what she needs, I can spend several minutes considering her, loving her in my mind and then think...oh yea she is dead....really? Did that happen? Her stocking was hung with care and lots of tears, her ornaments where loving placed on the tree for her, of course this has always been the case but we wish she was here to smile at them. She loved the Christmas tree. It has actually been a way to remember our life with her...so many memories on our homemade tree. It makes me love it even more.
However the greatest feeling I feel this Christmas is confident. I am confident that God's good. Regan's death has actually confirmed this in a deeper way. It has also confirmed that God is merciful beyond my comprehension. I also have a deepened confidence that this hope we have in Christ's resurrection is more powerful than any hope...it is our only hope. It gives me confidence that He will come again and finish what His first coming started. This hope keeps me from being overwhelmed my my grief. This hope is not a fairytale..like Santa....or Polar Express.....or It's a Wonderful Life....IT IS TRUE! To be honest silver bells, decking the halls with holly, believing in myself, or love just don't cut it. I need something more solid. I am clinging to this truth will the energy I have. This is exhausting...I wish the church talked about it more and wasn't so afraid it would be weird....because it is weird...maybe we should embrace that too...we are weird. I AM WEIRD! I stand over my sweet baby's grave and believe she is coming up out of there....it's weird. But just because it seems strange doesn't mean it isn't true. Santa is weird....thinking that being nice to each other would fix this mess is weird. Maybe humanity needed something weird to wake them up...like God coming as a baby to save us...He brought the Goodwill of God by being with us, dying but most importantly conquering death! 
No one expected Jesus to resurrect...that would be too weird. But coming (the Emmanuel) and dying( the Savior) wouldn't have done it..He needed one more weird thing...Resurrection! (the Redeemer) This gives me confidence He is good, that His strength can help me, that His mercy is new each day, that His mercy keeps him waiting on the right moment for all this to be made right. He is trust worthy....I am confident of this. I trust that I will see His glory reign in ways I can got grasp but excite me...they give me hope.....and probably a awesomely weird.
They renew me for this difficult walk....We try to live with hope. We honor Regan with hope...He isn't done with us yet. Remember ....He said...He will return....be confident in this! Even if it makes me weird.
Come Lord Jesus, Come
I am excited we are taking a ski trip for the first time as a family. This too is bitter sweet because Regan's limitations also limited us. We are celebrating her limitless life with Christ by doing things this year that are active....On a similar note a friend of my dad's had me flown on his private plan to my Granny's funeral...an awesome way to celebrate this as well....
Yet, I am sad. I still can't believe Regan is dead. My brain still forgets this fact all too often. Still 9 months later I think of what she needs, I can spend several minutes considering her, loving her in my mind and then think...oh yea she is dead....really? Did that happen? Her stocking was hung with care and lots of tears, her ornaments where loving placed on the tree for her, of course this has always been the case but we wish she was here to smile at them. She loved the Christmas tree. It has actually been a way to remember our life with her...so many memories on our homemade tree. It makes me love it even more.
However the greatest feeling I feel this Christmas is confident. I am confident that God's good. Regan's death has actually confirmed this in a deeper way. It has also confirmed that God is merciful beyond my comprehension. I also have a deepened confidence that this hope we have in Christ's resurrection is more powerful than any hope...it is our only hope. It gives me confidence that He will come again and finish what His first coming started. This hope keeps me from being overwhelmed my my grief. This hope is not a fairytale..like Santa....or Polar Express.....or It's a Wonderful Life....IT IS TRUE! To be honest silver bells, decking the halls with holly, believing in myself, or love just don't cut it. I need something more solid. I am clinging to this truth will the energy I have. This is exhausting...I wish the church talked about it more and wasn't so afraid it would be weird....because it is weird...maybe we should embrace that too...we are weird. I AM WEIRD! I stand over my sweet baby's grave and believe she is coming up out of there....it's weird. But just because it seems strange doesn't mean it isn't true. Santa is weird....thinking that being nice to each other would fix this mess is weird. Maybe humanity needed something weird to wake them up...like God coming as a baby to save us...He brought the Goodwill of God by being with us, dying but most importantly conquering death! 
No one expected Jesus to resurrect...that would be too weird. But coming (the Emmanuel) and dying( the Savior) wouldn't have done it..He needed one more weird thing...Resurrection! (the Redeemer) This gives me confidence He is good, that His strength can help me, that His mercy is new each day, that His mercy keeps him waiting on the right moment for all this to be made right. He is trust worthy....I am confident of this. I trust that I will see His glory reign in ways I can got grasp but excite me...they give me hope.....and probably a awesomely weird.
They renew me for this difficult walk....We try to live with hope. We honor Regan with hope...He isn't done with us yet. Remember ....He said...He will return....be confident in this! Even if it makes me weird. Come Lord Jesus, Come
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
My Sweet Granny
On Monday my sweet Granny stepped from her earthy life into her restful life through eternity. I got the great joy of spending a seven days with her in Oklahoma before she died. It will be a treasured memory that I feel blessed to have experienced. I will fly back on Thursday for her funeral. She and I were roommates for about a year. I actually moved out of her home the day I married Brian. I remember when she and I were in the bathroom packing up my last few items and then I was headed to the church to get ready. She put her hands on her face and leaned on the bathroom counter. She said, "I don't know what I am going to do without you kid" as she cried. I feel the same way about her now. I have known her my whole life. She was a simple country wife and mother. She wasn't highly educated. She loved to watch her "stories" otherwise known as soap operas. She loved the watch the Braves play baseball. She wasn't a great cook but she could bake like no ones business. She usually ate Cheerios for breakfast. When my siblings and I were home sick and my mom and dad had to go to work we would stay with her. She would feed us macaroni. The homemade kind....yummm....but a weird thing to feed a kid who was sick. She wanted to give us comfort food....I am glad. The greatest legacy she leaves me is to keep my faith simple. I have a tendency to over think and make things harder than they have to be. She loved Jesus..she knew he saved her from her sin. She trusted him with her life. At it's base this is what faith is. My close friends give me a hard time because when I really laugh hard I clap my hands. My Granny did the same thing. I am glad that she taught me laugh hard and love deeply. I will miss her and look forward to when we will be reunited when we all see Jesus....what a day of rejoicing that will be!
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
My Thanksgiving Ramble
It is funny how memory works. I was recently talking with a friend. She was describing how her young daughter had to be tested for the flu. She was sharing about how traumatizing the testing was because they had to stick a tube down her nose into her throat to get mucus to test for flu. I was agreeing with her about how bad that is because we had to do this to Regan multiple times a day. Regan hated it too.
I was sharing this story with Brian and we were talking to each other about how when we think about Regan we don't think about suction, breathing treatments, or sleepless nights....we mostly remember her. It has been a while since we really thought about suction. Since we thought about the sound it makes and the face it made her make. Our heart and soul remember her sweet smell, her fun faces, her laughter, her cooing, her peaceful presence, her hair, her reminder of hope.
I find myself very sad the past few weeks. I know that I am not as thankful this year as the last. I want Regan with us. I miss her so bad it hurts. I am really tired of feeling this way. I have always loved the line in the John Meyer song that says, "I can't wait to say, this is the way that I used to be." I know that this deep pain will not last for ever. There will be a Thanksgiving that I feel thankful again. BUT the only way to get to that place is to be present in the place you are....and honestly I feel sad because it is sad. Just like I had to chose to glad on the thanksgivings when we were hauling a van full medical supplies to Indiana or Kansas because I was so glad have Regan in my life. So I refused to complain then because I knew this thanksgiving would come. I knew that some day out in the future there would be a gap in my life because Regan would die. So I made that chose to be happy with her and to be sad later. Later has come. I never wanted her to know it was hard. I know she knew because I have never been good at hiding the way I feel.
This year I am thankful for Jesus in new ways. I've never liked prayers that thank him for what I have. It sounds so much like the prayer of the Pharisee who thanked God he was not a woman or a gentile. When we thank God for what we have often it is because we see others who have not and we are glad we are not them. Don't get me wrong we should always be thankful but I think it should be deeper than that. The truth is we could have nothing but Jesus and it would be enough. Sometimes we say Jesus is enough. But it is really Jesus plus ______________ (my family, my husband, my really great devotional Bible, my service, my guilt, my friends, my education, my extended family, my country, my president, my house, my cute decorations, my bonus check, the gifts I can buy....).....But this year I am trying to simply be thankful for Jesus. I am checking my heart to see if I mean it. Is He really all I need? I want to grow and let go of what holds me back from loving Him like I should. To simply be thankful because of Jesus. To be thankful because Jesus paid it all.
I was sharing this story with Brian and we were talking to each other about how when we think about Regan we don't think about suction, breathing treatments, or sleepless nights....we mostly remember her. It has been a while since we really thought about suction. Since we thought about the sound it makes and the face it made her make. Our heart and soul remember her sweet smell, her fun faces, her laughter, her cooing, her peaceful presence, her hair, her reminder of hope.
I find myself very sad the past few weeks. I know that I am not as thankful this year as the last. I want Regan with us. I miss her so bad it hurts. I am really tired of feeling this way. I have always loved the line in the John Meyer song that says, "I can't wait to say, this is the way that I used to be." I know that this deep pain will not last for ever. There will be a Thanksgiving that I feel thankful again. BUT the only way to get to that place is to be present in the place you are....and honestly I feel sad because it is sad. Just like I had to chose to glad on the thanksgivings when we were hauling a van full medical supplies to Indiana or Kansas because I was so glad have Regan in my life. So I refused to complain then because I knew this thanksgiving would come. I knew that some day out in the future there would be a gap in my life because Regan would die. So I made that chose to be happy with her and to be sad later. Later has come. I never wanted her to know it was hard. I know she knew because I have never been good at hiding the way I feel.
This year I am thankful for Jesus in new ways. I've never liked prayers that thank him for what I have. It sounds so much like the prayer of the Pharisee who thanked God he was not a woman or a gentile. When we thank God for what we have often it is because we see others who have not and we are glad we are not them. Don't get me wrong we should always be thankful but I think it should be deeper than that. The truth is we could have nothing but Jesus and it would be enough. Sometimes we say Jesus is enough. But it is really Jesus plus ______________ (my family, my husband, my really great devotional Bible, my service, my guilt, my friends, my education, my extended family, my country, my president, my house, my cute decorations, my bonus check, the gifts I can buy....).....But this year I am trying to simply be thankful for Jesus. I am checking my heart to see if I mean it. Is He really all I need? I want to grow and let go of what holds me back from loving Him like I should. To simply be thankful because of Jesus. To be thankful because Jesus paid it all.
Thursday, November 06, 2008
It's Just the Little Things
When you loose something precious to you it seems that little things become increasingly important. You find out just how important the little things are. They seems to stand out more.
Like being home. I like it here. I love the little things about it. It is nothing fancy but I love it. I have always wanted my home to be a place my husband and children love to come in to and are a little sad to leave. Mostly because I want it to be a haven for them. A place where they are encouraged, listened to and know that they belong. I want our home to be a place of peace. Lately I have been thinking about how much I love to come in my home and am sad when I have to leave it. We also got a new roof this summer. I didn't want to spend the money but I love that we literally have put a roof over our families head....a basic need that I sometimes take for granted. 
My parents recently came to visit us for a week. I Sometimes can forget just how great they are. They love me. They simply want to be with me. We don't even have to talk. They serve people in their life with love. I am one of those people. They make me want to be a better parent when I am with them. I love them. They come every year at this time. They don't have to but they choose to. What a gift.
This is my Regan plant. It is huge. This entire plant came from one little seed. I planted 12 seeds in a variety of colors. Only one bloomed and it was in the same spot as the one Regan gave me last year for Mothers day. It made me happy all summer. It is just a plant but it reminds me of her. It died over night one day last week. I went from looking like this to completely brown. Amazing. I love it because it's beauty is shocking and unexpectedly breath taking. Any color could have shot up here in this spot and I would have been happy...but God gave me pink..the same color Regan gave me. God takes my breath away.
Lastly, I love my tomato plants. I took them out while my mom was here but early in the fall I made this yummy Tomato Basil Soup from scratch. I grew the tomatoes and the basil. We all loved it. It makes me happy when I can grow things and then find yummy ways to eat them. It makes me feel like Ma (Laura's mom...from "Little House on the Prairie") My mom just told someone when she was here visiting that it is still sometimes funny to her that I am domestic. I am glad I can still make her proud. 
Lastly, I love these too. I love the way they challenge me. Rylee easily tells me what she wants. "I want you to tuck me in!" Okay...I will! I wish I could just say what I want. She also told me one night before bedtime prayers that she doesn't like to cry about Regan being dead because Jesus wants us to be glad for what we DO have and not sad or wanting what we don't. Lesson learned Rylee, Thanks! Ryder recently wrote another poem...it is simple but true.
Like being home. I like it here. I love the little things about it. It is nothing fancy but I love it. I have always wanted my home to be a place my husband and children love to come in to and are a little sad to leave. Mostly because I want it to be a haven for them. A place where they are encouraged, listened to and know that they belong. I want our home to be a place of peace. Lately I have been thinking about how much I love to come in my home and am sad when I have to leave it. We also got a new roof this summer. I didn't want to spend the money but I love that we literally have put a roof over our families head....a basic need that I sometimes take for granted. 
My parents recently came to visit us for a week. I Sometimes can forget just how great they are. They love me. They simply want to be with me. We don't even have to talk. They serve people in their life with love. I am one of those people. They make me want to be a better parent when I am with them. I love them. They come every year at this time. They don't have to but they choose to. What a gift.
This is my Regan plant. It is huge. This entire plant came from one little seed. I planted 12 seeds in a variety of colors. Only one bloomed and it was in the same spot as the one Regan gave me last year for Mothers day. It made me happy all summer. It is just a plant but it reminds me of her. It died over night one day last week. I went from looking like this to completely brown. Amazing. I love it because it's beauty is shocking and unexpectedly breath taking. Any color could have shot up here in this spot and I would have been happy...but God gave me pink..the same color Regan gave me. God takes my breath away.
Lastly, I love my tomato plants. I took them out while my mom was here but early in the fall I made this yummy Tomato Basil Soup from scratch. I grew the tomatoes and the basil. We all loved it. It makes me happy when I can grow things and then find yummy ways to eat them. It makes me feel like Ma (Laura's mom...from "Little House on the Prairie") My mom just told someone when she was here visiting that it is still sometimes funny to her that I am domestic. I am glad I can still make her proud. 
Lastly, I love these too. I love the way they challenge me. Rylee easily tells me what she wants. "I want you to tuck me in!" Okay...I will! I wish I could just say what I want. She also told me one night before bedtime prayers that she doesn't like to cry about Regan being dead because Jesus wants us to be glad for what we DO have and not sad or wanting what we don't. Lesson learned Rylee, Thanks! Ryder recently wrote another poem...it is simple but true.There once was a beautiful little bird. But the bird couldn't fly. There was a boy who loved the bird. He took care of her and protected her. There was something he could do nothing against. It was called Time, and it got away from him. He thought the sickly baby bird would someday fly. And she did, one night when Time caught up with them. And the baby bird flew for the first time. But it few away from the boy and even though he tried to hold on , he knew she couldn't stay.These simple children remind me that my faith must be simple too. Sometimes I make complex. Christ longs for me to keep it simple. They remind me to ask my self simple questions about my journey with God. Their belief in God impacts the way they live....yet it is simple. I see it in the little things like poems and confessions before bedtime prayers. All these things stir my heart to love God more......
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Imprints
All three of my children are very different. Rylee is the type that leave things all over. On any given day you could find a pair of shoes, a pair of sunglasses, maybe a rubber ball that belong to her in multiple rooms throughout our home. Even though each night before she goes to bed I make her pick up all of her things and put them in her room and I do the same thing after I take her to school each day. Ryder is really into "his" music. He likes it loud and he likes all of us to participate in it. Sometimes when the windows shake I say, "
really? Do we need it that loud?" Regan never left her stuff everywhere. She never left her music up too loud but what she did do was leave little nicks on my walls and door frames from her wheel chair. Our home is not new so our door frames and hallways are narrow. If you did not line it up just right you would hit the wall or nick the door frame. They look like these which happen to be on the door way in to Brian and my bedroom. Regan and I spent time in my bedroom almost everyday. Sometimes we folded laundry (which I am doing today) or sometimes on chilly days, like today, we would take naps together (which I hope to do later today) or sometimes she would hang out with me while I got ready (which I have done today).
But all our door frames have missing paint. It used to drive me crazy when we would hit the wall. It happened all the time. It happen in every room because she was in all of our rooms. She would play babies with Rylee in her room, listen to Ryder play trombone or watch him play video games. Sometimes she would hang out in Ryder's room on Monday nights with day and her and Rylee would watch the boys play GameCube while I was at Bible study.
Now her chair hardly ever leaves her room. Unless of course someone is staying in night with us and needs the trundle bed pulled out. So the reality is that there will be no more nicks on the walls just as there are no more memories to be made. No more costumes to sew or Christmas outfits to match or naps to be taken. Regan does not considered anymore. (Can I just say right her that WE LOVED taking her into consideration!) Though there have been no new nicks made in six long moths her imprint in our life is strong. Even when I paint over the chipped paint her imprint on us will remain.
Today I am glad that I have my memory. Today I am glad that we made so many wonderful ones with her. We lived life with her. Today I plan to shed lots of tears remembering them. I need days like this. Days when I am not rushing. When I can set in the floor of my hallway and remember the life that this hallway has seen. Today I am glad that these chips are here and actually glad that Ryder, Rylee and I were really bad aims....(Brian would want me to say in closing that he never hit the door frame or the wall: ) He is a man of habit and so unfortunately for the R, R and myself he doesn't make those kind of mistakes. Today I wishing that there was a little girl who happen to set in a wheel chair to roll through the hallway and maybe just maybe bump into the wall and leave her sweet imprint.
really? Do we need it that loud?" Regan never left her stuff everywhere. She never left her music up too loud but what she did do was leave little nicks on my walls and door frames from her wheel chair. Our home is not new so our door frames and hallways are narrow. If you did not line it up just right you would hit the wall or nick the door frame. They look like these which happen to be on the door way in to Brian and my bedroom. Regan and I spent time in my bedroom almost everyday. Sometimes we folded laundry (which I am doing today) or sometimes on chilly days, like today, we would take naps together (which I hope to do later today) or sometimes she would hang out with me while I got ready (which I have done today).But all our door frames have missing paint. It used to drive me crazy when we would hit the wall. It happened all the time. It happen in every room because she was in all of our rooms. She would play babies with Rylee in her room, listen to Ryder play trombone or watch him play video games. Sometimes she would hang out in Ryder's room on Monday nights with day and her and Rylee would watch the boys play GameCube while I was at Bible study.
Now her chair hardly ever leaves her room. Unless of course someone is staying in night with us and needs the trundle bed pulled out. So the reality is that there will be no more nicks on the walls just as there are no more memories to be made. No more costumes to sew or Christmas outfits to match or naps to be taken. Regan does not considered anymore. (Can I just say right her that WE LOVED taking her into consideration!) Though there have been no new nicks made in six long moths her imprint in our life is strong. Even when I paint over the chipped paint her imprint on us will remain.
Today I am glad that I have my memory. Today I am glad that we made so many wonderful ones with her. We lived life with her. Today I plan to shed lots of tears remembering them. I need days like this. Days when I am not rushing. When I can set in the floor of my hallway and remember the life that this hallway has seen. Today I am glad that these chips are here and actually glad that Ryder, Rylee and I were really bad aims....(Brian would want me to say in closing that he never hit the door frame or the wall: ) He is a man of habit and so unfortunately for the R, R and myself he doesn't make those kind of mistakes. Today I wishing that there was a little girl who happen to set in a wheel chair to roll through the hallway and maybe just maybe bump into the wall and leave her sweet imprint.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Ryder's Poem
Hi! This is Ryder! I wrote this poem while I was mowing our lawn. It is about Life, Death, and Love. I dedicate this Poem to Regan Faith Mills, My sweet little angel, and my Ray called Day.
The Ray Called Day
There is a Ray,
it is called Day.
But in the Day,
I cannot stay.
For Blue skies will turn to Gray,
So in silent vigil I lay.
If you are weary,
Here you will stay.
Wrapped in my arms till May.
And when no more is Gray,
All will be Day.
Then, in the Ray
we will stay,
Forever in the light of Day.
Ryder D. Mills
October 22, 2008
Age: 12
The Ray Called Day
There is a Ray,
it is called Day.
But in the Day,
I cannot stay.
For Blue skies will turn to Gray,
So in silent vigil I lay.
If you are weary,
Here you will stay.
Wrapped in my arms till May.
And when no more is Gray,
All will be Day.
Then, in the Ray
we will stay,
Forever in the light of Day.
Ryder D. Mills
October 22, 2008
Age: 12
Wednesday, October 08, 2008
Love in a Fish Bowl
I know many people who go through crisis feel that their friends and family abandon them. They feel a since of isolation from community. It makes them bitter and often times their hearts are harden because of all the pain.
I however am not one of those people. Since the beginning of my life I have always had great friends. I often tell people about my friend Chris who was my best friend growing up. He was my friend no matter what. We knew each other as babies. People often thought we were cousins. We might have been closer than cousins. He was there the day I we laid our sweet Regan in the ground. We reflected that day on how life has gone very differently than we thought it might. I tell my kids about my friend Jodi who was the best friend a high school girl could have. She taught me about loyalty, deep devotion and honesty in friendship. I wasn't always that way to her but she always was to me. Even now I use her example to remind me of what a good friend is. Once she literally fraught another girl for me...I think she knew I would get my butt kicked. (We weren't Christians then but now we both are...I wish we lived closer so we could be closer and go to battle for each other in better ways!) When I was in college my friends Ginny and Michelle loved me when I know I was hard to love. I was trying to figure out how to love Jesus with my life. How to devote myself to Him, how to deal with the pain and hurt in my life. I would have been very alone if they had not been willing to stick in the fight with me. All these friends I praise God for all the time. Friends for my journey.
I thank God that he saw what I needed and that He was working in my life all along....teaching me things about friendship and community. What a life of inter-dependence really is.
I have always loved my friends. I have needed them to help me learn and grow. They have encouraged me so many times and regarding so many things I can't begin to express them all. I can't say enough...however my friend Hillary and her Texas crew of letter writers have blessed me beyond words. This picture of Hillary and I along with her Riley and my Rylee that was taken this summer when her family came to visit us. Such a wonderful time of fellowship...so much laughing and crying....conversation and even napping!
Anyway back to these letters. Hillary banded some women together from Dallas (who I befriended when we lived there) to write me a couple times a month. I usually get at least one each day. I keep all these letters in this fish
bowl. The fish bowl sets right above my computer. I can easily take this bowl all over my house (which I do). My kids want to know what they say. These are not fancy cards. Most of them come on regular loose leaf paper or simple note cards. They share with me their lives. Hillary felt like it would bless me to know about what was going on with them since they know what is going on with me because of the blog.
I look forward to going to the mail box. This was especially good in the begining because some of our mail made me very said. We ogot hundreds of cards of condolences after Regan died. What a blessing to get them. I have those in Regan's room in a lovely brown box my friend Pat gave me. These cards mean a lot to me to but these letters are different. They serve a differnt purpose. They remind me that people still remember her. They remind me that people still cry and hold their own kids longer because of her. They remind me that friends don't need to talk every day or see each other every year to still be friends. We don't even need Facebook! These letters have reminded me the power of someones handwriting. These letters remind me that God's love is big. His love binds us together. It refreshes me because they say important things like "When I was praying for you this verse came to mind." or "I saw this flower the other day and thought of Regan." or sometimes even "I heard a song...." They usually update me on their familes. I know all these women and love them and their children. I love to hear what God is doing in their lives and about difficulties I can pray for in their lives as well. Sometimes all this with Regan makes me want to say...."Let's talk about you!" They do and I like it.
My girl friends here in Lincoln are the best....they bring me flowers on the 16th....they cry with me and sometimes even when I am not crying they cry....their children knew Regan well.....they lived life with us close up. They know her smell. They like to play with her hair barretts. They miss her with me. Their words keep me going. in a differnt way. I would could be easily bitter if they weren't here.
Regan's journey as been a lot like living in a fish bowl. People starred at her all the time. Usually because she was beautiful but some people are just rude. People watched to see what we would do...listen to how we lived with her....watched how we would respond to situations. Now that she is gone....the fish bowl is empty of the powerful life that was teaming in it. We are now a "normal" family. We go places and no one stares........So now I have this little fish bowl filled with WORDs from God's people telling me to press in, give myself time, telling me to cry, telling my they love me, reminding me that they remember, reminding me to trust God and to believe His Words.
I however am not one of those people. Since the beginning of my life I have always had great friends. I often tell people about my friend Chris who was my best friend growing up. He was my friend no matter what. We knew each other as babies. People often thought we were cousins. We might have been closer than cousins. He was there the day I we laid our sweet Regan in the ground. We reflected that day on how life has gone very differently than we thought it might. I tell my kids about my friend Jodi who was the best friend a high school girl could have. She taught me about loyalty, deep devotion and honesty in friendship. I wasn't always that way to her but she always was to me. Even now I use her example to remind me of what a good friend is. Once she literally fraught another girl for me...I think she knew I would get my butt kicked. (We weren't Christians then but now we both are...I wish we lived closer so we could be closer and go to battle for each other in better ways!) When I was in college my friends Ginny and Michelle loved me when I know I was hard to love. I was trying to figure out how to love Jesus with my life. How to devote myself to Him, how to deal with the pain and hurt in my life. I would have been very alone if they had not been willing to stick in the fight with me. All these friends I praise God for all the time. Friends for my journey.
I thank God that he saw what I needed and that He was working in my life all along....teaching me things about friendship and community. What a life of inter-dependence really is.
I have always loved my friends. I have needed them to help me learn and grow. They have encouraged me so many times and regarding so many things I can't begin to express them all. I can't say enough...however my friend Hillary and her Texas crew of letter writers have blessed me beyond words. This picture of Hillary and I along with her Riley and my Rylee that was taken this summer when her family came to visit us. Such a wonderful time of fellowship...so much laughing and crying....conversation and even napping!
Anyway back to these letters. Hillary banded some women together from Dallas (who I befriended when we lived there) to write me a couple times a month. I usually get at least one each day. I keep all these letters in this fish
bowl. The fish bowl sets right above my computer. I can easily take this bowl all over my house (which I do). My kids want to know what they say. These are not fancy cards. Most of them come on regular loose leaf paper or simple note cards. They share with me their lives. Hillary felt like it would bless me to know about what was going on with them since they know what is going on with me because of the blog. I look forward to going to the mail box. This was especially good in the begining because some of our mail made me very said. We ogot hundreds of cards of condolences after Regan died. What a blessing to get them. I have those in Regan's room in a lovely brown box my friend Pat gave me. These cards mean a lot to me to but these letters are different. They serve a differnt purpose. They remind me that people still remember her. They remind me that people still cry and hold their own kids longer because of her. They remind me that friends don't need to talk every day or see each other every year to still be friends. We don't even need Facebook! These letters have reminded me the power of someones handwriting. These letters remind me that God's love is big. His love binds us together. It refreshes me because they say important things like "When I was praying for you this verse came to mind." or "I saw this flower the other day and thought of Regan." or sometimes even "I heard a song...." They usually update me on their familes. I know all these women and love them and their children. I love to hear what God is doing in their lives and about difficulties I can pray for in their lives as well. Sometimes all this with Regan makes me want to say...."Let's talk about you!" They do and I like it.
My girl friends here in Lincoln are the best....they bring me flowers on the 16th....they cry with me and sometimes even when I am not crying they cry....their children knew Regan well.....they lived life with us close up. They know her smell. They like to play with her hair barretts. They miss her with me. Their words keep me going. in a differnt way. I would could be easily bitter if they weren't here.
Regan's journey as been a lot like living in a fish bowl. People starred at her all the time. Usually because she was beautiful but some people are just rude. People watched to see what we would do...listen to how we lived with her....watched how we would respond to situations. Now that she is gone....the fish bowl is empty of the powerful life that was teaming in it. We are now a "normal" family. We go places and no one stares........So now I have this little fish bowl filled with WORDs from God's people telling me to press in, give myself time, telling me to cry, telling my they love me, reminding me that they remember, reminding me to trust God and to believe His Words.
Thursday, October 02, 2008
Grace and Goodness
Rylee turned 10 yesterday. This seems impossible. She is suppose to be four! She asked for one thing....Ruthie...Kit's best friend. So she got it! So fun....I am glad that she still likes playing dolls and babies so much. She was very excited to finally see her special doll as you can see by this photo.
We have a tradition in our family that you wake up on your birthday morning to "Happy Birthday" and get to open all your gifts in bed. Sometimes that seems like a dumb tradition...especially the first few minutes of this family time. But usually the smiles come quick.
I noticed when I was reading all the birthday messages that people sent to Rylee that there was a theme. Almost everyone said they are thankful Rylee is grace filled and sweet. Rylee's heart is good. She looks the good in others. Jesus' heart was like that. I am proud of her. She is not perfect but she teaches me to consider life in someone else's shoes before I pass judgment or assume too much. To live a life of grace towards others.She is a sweet girl. She is turning into a sweet young lady. Time seems so fleeting lately...There was a time in my life I didn't want any girls...I thought I would do best at raising boys. God saw things differently. I am glad He didn't see my ideas as prayers and He did what He thought was best. My girls have been some of by best teachers. I look forward to the future because of the hope Rylee reminds me of....goodness and grace.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Sad but Good
Ryder and Rylee typically sleep in the same room when they sleep. It could be Ryder's room, usually Rylee's room and sometimes Regan's room. Since Regan died we took her bed and gave it to a friend of Regan's named Jeron. Now we have a new bed that has a trundle bed under it. This is easier for company....and for Ryder and Rylee to have another sleeping option. As if their own rooms are not enough! They would still love a fourth option to sleep with us BUT that is NOT an option....three is plenty.
So last night when I tucked them in. We had a going away party for Julie and her husband Vance. Julie was Regan's primary caregiver over the past few years. She is very close with our family. I hosted her wedding shower and baby shower so it is fitting that our home would be the place to say good-bye to her. So, Ryder prayed first and then it was Rylee's turn. She said, "Thank you Jesus for letting us have a party to say good-bye to Julie. It is very sad for us but a good-good-bye all at the same time." Julie is moving. Her husband got a new job. We have been praying for that. Julie wants to be a stay at home mom and now she gets to be. We have been praying for that too. However I guess I forgot to pray that all of this could be answered but still keep her close to us. So it is good. But this is another lose both for her and us. Julie loved Regan well. She was Regan's closest friend. She learned how to take care of her baby by loving our sweet Regan. Many mornings Julie and I cried together...trusted God together to help us do our jobs well...and take care of Regan. We were a good team!
I think good-bye's are usually like this. Good but sad all at the same time. Like when I leave my dad and mom's house, I am always sad but usually ready to go. They know this so this is not dis-respecting them. I am sure they are ready for us to leave too. We kinda take over. Their house was my home but now my home is with Brian and the kids. Life doesn't move backward very often. The life I had with my parents was good but now I am no longer childish and this life is the better life for me. (Even though when I go home I often revert to 11!) I am now what my parents raised me to be. I am more me. So this good bye is always sad but good.
Saying good-bye to Regan is sooooo good. She is so good. This place she is now is good for her. Her home is no longer with us but with God. She is now all she was meant to be. But it is so sad. So sad because we are not with her and she is not with us. We wish we could go back but life moves forward. Our hope when the saddness tries to over take us is that this is not our home...our home is with her ONLY because she is with God. We long for God because He is good. When we are home with him there will be no more good-byes....no more tears...no more confusion of the heart because things are sad but good....only Good.
So last night when I tucked them in. We had a going away party for Julie and her husband Vance. Julie was Regan's primary caregiver over the past few years. She is very close with our family. I hosted her wedding shower and baby shower so it is fitting that our home would be the place to say good-bye to her. So, Ryder prayed first and then it was Rylee's turn. She said, "Thank you Jesus for letting us have a party to say good-bye to Julie. It is very sad for us but a good-good-bye all at the same time." Julie is moving. Her husband got a new job. We have been praying for that. Julie wants to be a stay at home mom and now she gets to be. We have been praying for that too. However I guess I forgot to pray that all of this could be answered but still keep her close to us. So it is good. But this is another lose both for her and us. Julie loved Regan well. She was Regan's closest friend. She learned how to take care of her baby by loving our sweet Regan. Many mornings Julie and I cried together...trusted God together to help us do our jobs well...and take care of Regan. We were a good team!
I think good-bye's are usually like this. Good but sad all at the same time. Like when I leave my dad and mom's house, I am always sad but usually ready to go. They know this so this is not dis-respecting them. I am sure they are ready for us to leave too. We kinda take over. Their house was my home but now my home is with Brian and the kids. Life doesn't move backward very often. The life I had with my parents was good but now I am no longer childish and this life is the better life for me. (Even though when I go home I often revert to 11!) I am now what my parents raised me to be. I am more me. So this good bye is always sad but good.
Saying good-bye to Regan is sooooo good. She is so good. This place she is now is good for her. Her home is no longer with us but with God. She is now all she was meant to be. But it is so sad. So sad because we are not with her and she is not with us. We wish we could go back but life moves forward. Our hope when the saddness tries to over take us is that this is not our home...our home is with her ONLY because she is with God. We long for God because He is good. When we are home with him there will be no more good-byes....no more tears...no more confusion of the heart because things are sad but good....only Good.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
I Miss This
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Our Agent of Reconciliation
My mom is in banking. So reconciling your check book was something my mom taught me to do. To make sure that what your records show and the records of the bank match to the penny. So when I think of Jesus coming to reconcile us back to God I think about it in these terms. My account does not match who HE (God the Banker) says I am. You see I know how sinful I am. I know my thoughts, deeds and desires. I know that on my own I am completely bankrupt. I am completely in lack to make this account match up with the bankers records. I can not produce enough work to be who God desires me to be. I can not discipline myself enough to be who God desires me to be. YET....Christ died for me. He reconciled my lack. He paid in full what I could not muster up on my own. So now when the banker looks at me He sees Jesus...His work on the cross, His Holiness.....my account is reconciled. Oh the peace I receive from this truth.
The fun part of this is then I become an agent of reconciliation. Just like my mom helps people figure out their accounts and situations to help them reconcile their account at the bank. God uses us ...those who have been reconciled...to be apart of this work. When we put our hands, mind, or heart to something we are apart of HIS reconciliation of the world....He makes all things new! I am so thankful for this.....my account is reconciled! Thank you for the Cross! Thank you for Jesus our Agent of Reconciliation.
The fun part of this is then I become an agent of reconciliation. Just like my mom helps people figure out their accounts and situations to help them reconcile their account at the bank. God uses us ...those who have been reconciled...to be apart of this work. When we put our hands, mind, or heart to something we are apart of HIS reconciliation of the world....He makes all things new! I am so thankful for this.....my account is reconciled! Thank you for the Cross! Thank you for Jesus our Agent of Reconciliation.
Tuesday, September 02, 2008
From Where I Stand
When the kids were younger I bought a book called "The View From Our Shoes" it is a book about what it is like to have a sibling with special needs. The book is loaded with essays written by siblings from seven to twenty seven. It was a great book for me to read to think about what it is like to be Ryder and Rylee....living with a sister with unique needs.
A few months before Regan died I took a series of photos of her and I while I held her. I love this one. I loved her cute socks. Regan never wore shoes so we put a lot of energy into her socks. As I sat there that day I told Regan that I liked this view. The view of her feet and my feet together propped by her chair. Every afternoon she and I would have snuggle time....oh how I miss that. I loved to smell her hair. I loved the way she leaned into me to sleep. I told her that day that whenever she went to see Jesus I would miss our afternoons together. I wish I could go back and tell her how much I miss our mornings, evening and even late nights together.
This weekend we went to see her headstone that was just placed last week. It is hard to summarize a life on one stone. Impossible. It is small because she was. It is elegant because she carried herself with grace. As a matter of fact the back of the stone says, "She ran with grace. We were graced to run with her." As I sat in my lawn chair at the cemetery and listened to doves cry and watched butterflies zoom over head I thought I never really thought about what this
view would be like. This new view from my shoes.We posed around her just like we used to. Regan always seemed to finder her way to the middle. It seemed so strange to walk away. To leave her there in the ground...with out us...us with out her. I want her back. I want to live life with her. I want to push her chair not just dust it because it has set empty too long. I want to talk about her in the present tence.
Life with her was better. Life without her is hard. It is a struggle. Do you remember when I told you that my sister in law said I should feel no persure to be "over it" if the ground was still broken.Well my daddy went and laid sod and my family and friends water it three times a day...God had a hand in it too by bringing a few good rains. I think it reveals so much about a father's heart doesn't it. The heart that says, "I'll do anything to ease the pain, to heal the brokenness. I'll plant sod in August if you think it would help." My mom even picks the stickers from all around the front of the headstone. No extra pain when you set at Regan's place we are dealing with enough. I feel the same when I look at my kids. I want to help the healing process along. What a good mom and daddy I have. He even bought a water hose.
It is the funniest sight. A water hose in a cemetery. I wish every stone had a bio with it. I want to know why this child died...why another family had two children die...I wonder how they got along afterward? I want to hang a bio on the water spicket and explain to visitors what this hose means to me. If you look to the back ground of the picture you can see Regan's stone. You can see that the grass is completely green. It looks like she has been there while. Guess what I found out...my heart is still broken even if the ground is broken up...I am sure this is no suprise to anyone. I think my daddy thinks that's okay. This water hose has come to bring a deeper meaning. It is reminding me that new life will come from broken ground but only with the watering of the Word. It is going to take some care. It will have to be intentional. It will take effort, inconvienince, investment from community, love and grace but healing will come. It is my hope right now. It is the image my mind is clinging to. That over time I'll be like the green grass growing from red dirt in the middle of August.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Files
Every mother has systems for their household. I few years a go heard a lady speak and also read her book on managing a household. I used some of her ideas and have twecked them to make them better for me. She suggested that you create files for each area of your life. So I did. Those files have changed through the years because life changed. I have a file for invitations, a file on my spiritual formation girls, a file for church, a file for decorating ideas, a file for the bible study I teach, I had a orthodotic file but we are done with that so it has become the file for my subsitute teacher information. Three constant files have been my kids. Each child has their own. Regan's file was not big enough so we started using an expandable file for medical needs. This worked great because we could grab it in a hurry and it had everyting we needed in it. Eventually her papers would move to her own file cabinett! These files for the kids work great for us. Any note, important paper, or form goes in this file. I use it for reference and so we can keep up with the constant stream of papers going back and forth. The kids know to put the information there that needs a place to belong until we need it. Yesterday we registered for school so I cleaned them out. I needed to make room for the semester ahead. So I removed things like summer camp information and notes from their teachers last year. I realized we had two bookette's left from last year, so yesterday we went to lunch at Pizza Hut! There is also information that we will need this year stuff like Cheer camp and music lesson info. This filing system sets on my desk so I see it multiple times a day. It sets right next to the computer. It is always just a reach away. I know you can feel where this is going. Nothing new is going in Regan's folder. The last important papers I placed in there were her death certificates. If you have ever gone through helping someone die you know you need lots of these. We got eight. We still have three left. There is also a funeral home business card and two perscriptions that I never got to fill for her. I just left it all in there. I want her to still need a file. I want to put something new it. I want to fill out paper work for her. Yesterday we also got a refund from Kid Care (her secondary insurance for the state of IL) for May. We had already paid the premuim for May...she didn't need insurance for May. I want her to need insurance. I miss St John's. I had to take Rylee to the doctor last week for a sinus infection. I was actually looking forward to it (boy am I weird). I feel more normal when there are meds to give ..Bruce our phamaciest actually said, "we miss you!" when I went to get Rylee's meds. I miss the pharmacy! I miss her.
I saw a little boy yesterday at the Jr High that was Regan's age. His issues seem similar to her. He also shared a warm smile and eyes that sparkled when we saw the people who loved him. I watched him closely....I intorduced myself to him...he couldn't speak back but he smiled at me. I felt like it was Regan. It made me smile. I told him he was blessed to have is cousins and aunt there to love him well. He smiled at me again. I told him you make their life better. They all agreed. I walked away and thought about how glad I was for his family...he still needs a file.
Friday, August 08, 2008
I think it was around the time that Regan was born or maybe right after she was diagnosed with seizures and we knew that life would be difficult for her that we first started calling the song by Steven Curtis Chapman "Finger Prints of God" Regan's song....not the first verse but the second one that says,
"Never has there been and never again will there be another you. Fashioned by God's hand and perfectly planned to be just who you are. And what He's been creating since the first beat of your heart is a living breathing priceless work of art. And just look at you You're a wondering in the making and God's not through, no in fact He's just getting stared and I can see the fingerprints of God. When I look at you I can see the fingerprints of God and I know it's true You're a masterpiece That all creation quietly applauds and you're covered with the fingerprints of God."
Somehow we knew right from the start that we would have to make the choice to SEE God's image in her. This is challenging because we usually want to see God's image in things like victory, strength and perfectness...Regan was God's creation, perfectly plan just as she was. Now this song was mostly the kids and I..Brian isn't big on sweet little songs. We heard this song almost everyday while we were on vacation. We thought it was pretty cool. I love this picture of her because I can see the light of Jesus in her eyes...a joy that is beyond anything I think I have ever known...I think Regan understood something deeper about life than I do. I think she as enlightened in a way....she saw things correctly..the way Jesus wants us to maybe.
Another one of SCC songs that has meant a lot to me when I started this grief process over six years is called "With Hope" Six years ago I was grieving the ideas and plans for Regan that died because she had a mitocondrial disorder. It was then that I grieved that she wouldn't have a full life or a long one for that matter. I grieved for her and for me that she would never know the experience falling in love and that I wouldn't get to watch her. I grieved that she would never know the feeling of running in her daddy's arms when he comes home from work and I wouldn't get to watch it. I grieved that she would never know sleeping over at her best friends house, going to Kindergarten, prom, driving, being Rylee's maid of honor at her wedding, having babies of her own...and I wouldn't get to watch her. So all this lose made me start to grieve her. Though I thought all this practice would help me for the deeper grief that would come somewhere in the future...the future that I am living in now....I don't know that anything can prepare you for this. But the song says this,
This is not at all how we thought iwas supposed to be. We had so many plans for you we had so many dreams. And now you've gone away and left us with the memories of your smile and nothing we can say and nothing we can do can take away the pain. The pain of losing you, but "We can cry with hope, We can say good bye with hope. Cause we know our goodbye is not the end, oh no. And we can grieve with hope, cause we believe with hope There's a place by God's grace. There's a place where we'll see your face again. We'll see your face again and never have I Known anything so hard to understand. And never have I questioned more the wisdom of God's plan. But through the cloud of tears I see the Father's smile and say well done. And I imagine you where you wanted most to be. Seeing all your dreams come true cause now you're home and now you're free and We have this hope as an anchor. Cause we believed that everything God promed us is true. We wait we hope. We hold on with hope. We let go with hope."
This song is getting lots of air time again because of Steve Curtis's daughter recent death....So sad for them...so tragic...I know they hope. I am glad God him that song so long ago to help us all along now.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Ryder is having another birthday. He is getting another year older and as always several years smarter. He recently got his hair cut for the community theater musical production he is in this summer "Cheaper by the Dozen." It is the 1920's version not the Steve Martin version. He is doing a great job as the oldest son Frank. It is the best he has ever done. Some people think the hair cut makes him look younger...most however think it makes him look very grown up. A couple of days ago I took Ryder and his good friend Hannah out for "Steak N Shake" for their birthday's. We had a great time.
Ryder is a great boy. One of the things I love about him is his heart of "little guys." Here he is with his cousins but it seems most guys around the age of 4 or 5 think Ryder is pretty cool. This morning he told me that he had been praying about a very hard situation that is out in his future. It is something he has no control over but doesn't want to happen. He has been resisting this change. Even though he knows it is a couple years away. He like most people doesn't like change. He told me today, "I going to get out of God's way. The "Kingdom" is bigger than me Mom." What a boy! What a little man!
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