What Next?

We just finished 3 hours of painful crying.

Around 7:30am--after having a really peaceful and good night--Regan had a pretty big seizure. She was pretty "out-of-it" afterward, which happens quite often. But her heart rate dropped suddenly seven times over the next 3 hours or so. I noticed her pupils unusually dilated, and they were unresponsive to light. Around 11am, I noticed that one was completely dilated & the other was completely constricted. She was also relatively unconscious. When the doctors looked at it, they said she probably had a stroke or severe brain swelling. A CAT Scan or EEG would not yield enough helpful information to direct treatment, so they said she was clinically brain dead: feeling no pain & hearing nothing. The prognosis was not good, so we had to make a difficult decision.

We gathered the kids around the bed and said good-bye for 90 minutes or so. Through many tears we told Regan how proud we are of her, how much we love her, how much she has blessed us, and that it was OK for her to rest. At the same time we had to be honest that we're not ready to be a family of four. We don't want to get in the van without her. And we can't imagine our house without her singing. Rylee even worried for Moby (our dog), who she said would miss Regan terribly. Then we said a prayer, thanking God for the blessing Regan has been and giving her back to him.

Next, we asked the doctors to disconnect all of the IV's & breathing machine. We held her in our laps, took pictures, told stories, molded hand-prints, ate some lunch & gathered our energy for whatever would be next.....

And then, she woke up.

Her "numbers" haven't looked better all week! The doctors don't understand why or what is going on. There is no good reason for her to be awake. They thought it would only take a couple of hours after disconnecting the machines for her to be at peace. But instead, she's still with us. And they're scratching their heads, laughing and giving Regan credit for being one tough cookie. In our favorite doctor's words, "Regan typically ignores the medical books."

What next???

I can't explain the fatigue from the emotional roller coaster. Chantell & I are both pretty "hands-on" when it comes to life & decisions........but we're completely out of control here. We're completely stripped of power & wisdom. We're utterly at the mercy of God and the will of Regan. And that's OK. We don't know if this will last a few hours or a few days. But we said last Monday night that we would run w/ Regan through this as long as she wanted to run...apparently it's not time to hang up the running shoes just yet. Thank you so much for running w/ us. We really couldn't do it w/out your support.

This brings up a whole set of questions and potential situations we're not prepared to deal with yet. Would you please pray for wisdom & endurance? We have no clue what is next. And so, again...Psalm 33... "We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in you."