Regan was born on the first day of summer. We actually considered giving her the middle name Summer but went with Faith instead...good decision on our part. So I am never sure what grade Regan would be in if she went to "regular" school. Ryder is a summer baby too and went sent him early and he has done great so I always figure we would have done the same with her. So, when I think about what grade Regan is in I think first.
The first couple of years of Regan's life it was hard for me to be around other kids that were her age because it made me sad. God and I had many talks about why all these things were wrong with Regan. I had my eyes focused on her. Then one day I held a baby. I think it might have been Morah Gowin, Morah was only a few weeks old but her muscles were stronger than Regan's were even though Regan was probably three at the time. I realized how amazing God made childhood development it and how most of the time it goes just fine yet there are so many little things that could go wrong that don't. God really knew what HE was doing when He made us. So I started working in the Toddler room at our church. Every month I spend time with little Toddlers who call Regan "baby" and I say "No she is six...she is a big girl." They don't understand (because they are two) and they say "Good baby"and pat her on her knee. They are right. So I agree with them she is a good baby and we move on.
I got the wonderful gift on Wednesday night to be the first grade sub for our programing at our church. I got to help first graders memorize a verse of the bible and then played games with them to help them get it even better. Our story was about Jesus' story of the farmer and the seeds. We played games like plant freeze tag, memory, and even a game with balls and hula hoops. They are a funny group. Three of the kids, Kate, Brandon and Eli belong to three of my good friends; Shannon, Marci and Jennifer. So, I am with them frequently and I know and already love them deeply....Kate and I did the happy dance when we realized we would be together. Brandon put his head on my shoulder during worship. Eli sat by me during class. We had a great time. I helped them sound out the words they don't know yet. They are still learning frequently used words and don't fully understand phonics yet. I don't understand phonics yet either so we share this in common. We repeated phrases over and over together so they could get them to go deep into their mind. We reviewed things like who is the farmer in this story...Jesus is the farmer....what is the seed....God's Word is the seed....what is the dirt..our hearts are the dirt....what are the weeds....distractions are the weeds. They even knew deep theological things like why did farmer throw His seeds everywhere? "Because He wants His Word to go EVERYWHERE!" A great time with great Jesus loving people. I'm glad I'll know them all their life. I look forward to their weddings someday.
That night I had a difficult time sleeping because all I could think about was how I wish I was Regan's sub that night. I wish she and I could share the memory of the night I subbed for her class at church and we played freeze tag, how I helped everybody sound out their word for memory, how we threw balls into hula hoops, ...I want to say to her...."Regan who is the Farmer?" and her to say to me "Jesus is the Farmer Mama....come on everybody knows that!" I want to say..."Regan's turn to throw the ball." I want to know that she knows that Jesus wants His Word to go EVERYWHERE! I know that if she were "normal" these would be some of her BFF's. I know that she and Kate would be frustrating Rylee because they were leaving her out. Currently when Brandon comes over to play he wants to play with Ryder. Ryder and Hannah (Brandon's big sister) are close friends...they play with Brandon but....really want their own time. If Regan were normal Regan and Brandon would be playing video games together or playing cars. Eli always wants Regan to spend the night with him when Ryder and Rylee get to spend the night with Ethan and Ashton (his brother and sister). Eli is special too and he sees Regan more normal than most. He asks expecting that this should happen. Regan should get to spend the night. Jennifer and I wish they could send the night...(they are little still so this would be okay.....) All of these little guys love Regan and are very sweet to her and consider Regan their friend but Regan is a good baby....not a playmate.
So I decided for a few days I am just going to let the tears flow. Jesus said one time when He was throwing some seeds around that "Blessed are those who mourn...for they will laugh later." I know is was talking about mourning your sin...but I am mourning the effects of Sin so I think it does apply. Everyday I see what sin does to Regan's body and I remember what it is doing to the world around us...It motivates me to do the work of pulling out the weeds and rock that get in the way of being like Jesus.
I get mournful sometimes because I want to look forward to her wedding someday too. Instead, I get to look forward to FULL Redemption of the earth. Now that picture makes me laugh. Me and Regan trying to hula hoop...me with my new hips and Regan with her's...or maybe even better we will all be like Regan with NO HIPS AT ALL!
Friday, March 07, 2008
Monday, March 03, 2008
Chantell, Pay Attention!
When I was a child often I would hear "are you paying attention" or sometimes it was "Chantell, pay attention!" This was usually because I was trying to do too many things at once, which was probably watch TV and cut carrots or watch TV and tie my shoes, or even watch TV and fold cloths, or watch TV and do my homework. Our TV was always on and I always wanted to watch it. So, the thing I was suppose to be doing wasn't getting my full attention because I was distracted by TV.
I am a mom now and I say "are you listening to me?" or sometimes it is "Ryder, pay attention to what you are doing!" We don't keep our TV on all the time BUT there are lots of things to distract them from what they are suppose to be focusing on like ipods, books, wanting to pay outside, sometimes TV, getting in too big of a hurry. Then the thing that they are suppose to be giving their full attention to like homework, folding cloths, cleaning their room or family time get shorted because they are distracted.
I have to admit that sometimes I am not paying attention either. I feel the Holy Spirit say "Are you listening to me?" or "Chantell pay attention to what I am doing here!" God said in Matthew 17 "This is my son, I am pleased with Him, Listen to Him." Jesus would often tell stories to explain truth and when he would explain the truth because they didn't always pay attention and they would not get the point, He would say "Listen and understand" or maybe "He who has ears let him hear." This isn't about ears or even that they weren't listening it is that were weren't REALLY paying attention. Not just going through the motions of life but picking up on the subtle realities that God is wanting to show us. When we clue in to what is really going on and not just taking everything at face value. When we move aside the distractions that keep up from giving our full attention to what our main goal in life is....to have relationship with The Father.
As an adult I am often frustrated by my own mind as my greatest distraction. I can't see and hear all that God has for me because my own self absorbed ego and paranoid mind get in the way. I am always working to push them aside to let in the voice of God. This is partial way scripture is so important. It becomes the voice of truth and the bases for all the experiences in life. My full attention on it makes me less distracted and better able to experience life...my kids, my husband, my friends, cutting carrots, folding cloths the way God wants me to.
I feel like this is one of my lessons of this years Lent. I hear Jesus saying "Listen up chick....pay attention to what is going on here... don't get hung up on this thing over here.... what is going on is deeper than that....listen to me and understand....we have been over this before but you weren't paying attention....are you ready this time to give me your full attention....listen to me.....listen for me....listen."
I am a mom now and I say "are you listening to me?" or sometimes it is "Ryder, pay attention to what you are doing!" We don't keep our TV on all the time BUT there are lots of things to distract them from what they are suppose to be focusing on like ipods, books, wanting to pay outside, sometimes TV, getting in too big of a hurry. Then the thing that they are suppose to be giving their full attention to like homework, folding cloths, cleaning their room or family time get shorted because they are distracted.
I have to admit that sometimes I am not paying attention either. I feel the Holy Spirit say "Are you listening to me?" or "Chantell pay attention to what I am doing here!" God said in Matthew 17 "This is my son, I am pleased with Him, Listen to Him." Jesus would often tell stories to explain truth and when he would explain the truth because they didn't always pay attention and they would not get the point, He would say "Listen and understand" or maybe "He who has ears let him hear." This isn't about ears or even that they weren't listening it is that were weren't REALLY paying attention. Not just going through the motions of life but picking up on the subtle realities that God is wanting to show us. When we clue in to what is really going on and not just taking everything at face value. When we move aside the distractions that keep up from giving our full attention to what our main goal in life is....to have relationship with The Father.
As an adult I am often frustrated by my own mind as my greatest distraction. I can't see and hear all that God has for me because my own self absorbed ego and paranoid mind get in the way. I am always working to push them aside to let in the voice of God. This is partial way scripture is so important. It becomes the voice of truth and the bases for all the experiences in life. My full attention on it makes me less distracted and better able to experience life...my kids, my husband, my friends, cutting carrots, folding cloths the way God wants me to.
I feel like this is one of my lessons of this years Lent. I hear Jesus saying "Listen up chick....pay attention to what is going on here... don't get hung up on this thing over here.... what is going on is deeper than that....listen to me and understand....we have been over this before but you weren't paying attention....are you ready this time to give me your full attention....listen to me.....listen for me....listen."
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Family Update
Many of you know that I celebrated a birthday 11 days ago. It was great. Brian gave me a great gift this year.....time! We went over night for the first time in three years (not counting camping one night last summer...because...well it's camping.) Brian's mom, Vera Lu, came to stay with the kids. She had help with Regan from Julie and Lil. So, we went to Chicago for 30 hours without kids!
We stayed at the Cass in downtown Chicago. It was beautiful. I felt like I was in a movie. The room was small but that made it even more romantic. If you have a family you know that when you stay in a hotel with the whole family you have to have space. When you stay with your husband on a romantic getaway you want to be as close as possible. We ate on Saturday night at a beautiful Italian Restaurant that I don't know the name of. It was the best dining experience of my life...great food...great cappuccino....great company. We had a great time there for two hours! So fun.....
We also went to the Art Museum and went to see Wicked at the Ford Theater. It makes an interesting statement about evil..so it is much more than just a play about the Wizard of Oz. It was really great and I would recommend it to anyone if it comes to your city. Brian referred to the whole weekend as adult Disneyland because we just did things we like. We got to sleep in until eight o'clock because Grandma Vera gave the 4 am medicine dose!
I feel blessed that I got to spend 30 hours in the company of this man.
What a blessing to have a marriage where you like your mate and prefer to be with them rather than anyone else. No experience is a great if he isn't there. I am glad to be in the place in our relationship where we know each other so well...to be known and loved deeply in the knowing has a powerful affect of my mind and soul.
Also wanted to share that Brian's brother and my sister in law Paul and Tiffany had their baby. "William Brian Mills" was born yesterday! We are so happy to have little Liam in our family. We needed another boy to bring balance to the family. I know Brennan and Ashlyn are excited to have him as apart of their lives. What a blessing being born is...to those who are born and all those who experience new life. It makes my heart sing "Look what God can do!" Brian and I can't wait to go to KC to get our hands on him. He is a blessed young man to be born to such great parents and I will remind him of that for the rest of his life.
We stayed at the Cass in downtown Chicago. It was beautiful. I felt like I was in a movie. The room was small but that made it even more romantic. If you have a family you know that when you stay in a hotel with the whole family you have to have space. When you stay with your husband on a romantic getaway you want to be as close as possible. We ate on Saturday night at a beautiful Italian Restaurant that I don't know the name of. It was the best dining experience of my life...great food...great cappuccino....great company. We had a great time there for two hours! So fun.....
We also went to the Art Museum and went to see Wicked at the Ford Theater. It makes an interesting statement about evil..so it is much more than just a play about the Wizard of Oz. It was really great and I would recommend it to anyone if it comes to your city. Brian referred to the whole weekend as adult Disneyland because we just did things we like. We got to sleep in until eight o'clock because Grandma Vera gave the 4 am medicine dose!
I feel blessed that I got to spend 30 hours in the company of this man.
What a blessing to have a marriage where you like your mate and prefer to be with them rather than anyone else. No experience is a great if he isn't there. I am glad to be in the place in our relationship where we know each other so well...to be known and loved deeply in the knowing has a powerful affect of my mind and soul. Also wanted to share that Brian's brother and my sister in law Paul and Tiffany had their baby. "William Brian Mills" was born yesterday! We are so happy to have little Liam in our family. We needed another boy to bring balance to the family. I know Brennan and Ashlyn are excited to have him as apart of their lives. What a blessing being born is...to those who are born and all those who experience new life. It makes my heart sing "Look what God can do!" Brian and I can't wait to go to KC to get our hands on him. He is a blessed young man to be born to such great parents and I will remind him of that for the rest of his life.
Friday, February 22, 2008
Belonging
I remember walking into school when I was in second grade. My mom drove a brown station wagon at the time. The doors were so heavy on that sucker. I just knew that if I smashed my finger in that door they would fall off. I still have a fear of loosing a finger in a car door. The circle drive in front of Southwest Elementary School was fine gravel. I can still hear the sounds of the crackling car pool. Parents and big yellow buses pulled through and dropped their kids off. My sister was in Kindergarten at this time so we went to a different school than me. So, I walked in alone. I've never really liked walking in alone. There is some comfort to walking in with someone even if it is your lil' sister. I felt more at ease. We were with each other. We belong together. I walked up the three little steps off the circle drive then down four steps to the breeze way that lead to my class room where Ms. Mc was my teacher (this was not her name but for privacy we will refer to her as that). This walk lead past the principles office, past two first grade classes and then a right hand turn through the second grade door. This was not a place I wanted to go. I hated second grade. I felt like I didn't belong.
We spent a lot of time at church when I was a kid. Then the rest of our time we spent playing or watching sports. For me these two worlds did not ever intersect (except for church softball league and those games made me nervous because again these worlds should not be meeting.) I loved church. I loved the people, my friends, the old people, the weird people who raised their hands, I loved all the hugging, and singing. I felt like I had a place there. People knew me. I belonged to them. They belong to me. My family had a place to set that was our spot. I knew where everyone else would set too. No pressure or lonely feelings for me there as a child. Same at the softball fields where I grew up. I knew who would be there. I knew what we would do. I knew where we would play and set. I loved the people, my friends, the old people, the weird people who drank to much, and the old drunks who lived under the bridge. These folks knew me. I belong to them. They belong to me. These are places that I belonged. They were very different but yet so much a like.
In church my Dad was the guy who made most people feel uncomfortable because he spoke his mind, and cursed and chewed tobacco. Things things are still true about him. However at the softball field my dad was the conservative one. The hard working dad who was dedicated to his wife and kids. He was the one who would not drink to much, who didn't smoke cigarettes and though he cursed never dropped big curse words. Who he was moved him to the edge of belonging at both places. I wonder where he felt most comfortable where he felt he fit the most at ease. Judgment is a great isolator. So, I bet it was at the softball fields.
I have always had lots of friends. I don't remember hanging out or playing in the second grade. I wish I could say that once I made that right hand turn into Ms. Mc's class I belonged but that was not the case. Our teacher had our desks in rows, two on each side of the room that faced each other. Our desks layed against each other at each end. That was as affectionate as that room ever got. I remember being cold all the time. Maybe it was the cold Oklahoma wind, or the brick and cement walls but this was not a happy place. She was not warm...She would walk up and down the rows holding her ruler in her hand. She used it as a pointer. It felt like prison to me. She was the guard and the ruler was her night stick. She didn't seem to want us there. Maybe we were just a wild group. The only other thing I remember from second grade is Charlie Beavers eating glue. Charlie Beavers made fun of me all the time. I did not belong to him and he did not belong to me.
Having someone to belong to just makes life easier. I like knowing certain people are my people. I belong to them. They belong to me. Not like property but like good memories belong to us. They are ours. Nothing can change that. I feel this way when I am with my family...Brian and the kids are my beloveds...and I am theirs. We belong to each other. I feel this way with my brothers and sisters and my mom and dad. We go together...sometimes it feels like oil and water but we are each other's. I have friendships like this. I belong to you. Now, I am not alone. It gives me peace when I am alone. I don't have to many lonely walks down breeze ways anymore. I know these people are with me. I have a place I belong. It doesn't feel like prison. It feels like home. It is warm even in cold winds.
This sense of belonging started for me when I started to understand I belong to God and he belongs to me. That he chose me and I chose Him. (He has chosen all of us by the way!) When I got this relationship right all the others seem fall into place in my mind and heart and soul. No longer was I looking like a lonely Jr high girl for a click. I just want to me known for my own truth and then accepted. Not with a rubber stamp "quality inspected" but more like "authentic." Like my 100 year old table. It make have flaws but it is the real deal. I love it because it is real. It belongs to me imperfections and all. Like my memories of playing with my sister and our friends in the red dirt late at night under the score keepers box at the softball fields. Our bellies full of pop corn and cold soda. The smell of cheep beer in the air. My mom with a score keepers pad in her lap. My dad at the pitcher's mound. Chuck on third, uncle David (my dad's best friend) on first. Bug bits itching, dirt up my shorts, bear feet cooled by the dirt I sat in, runny noses....These memories are mine...those people were mine...they belong to me...I belong to them....feels good.
We spent a lot of time at church when I was a kid. Then the rest of our time we spent playing or watching sports. For me these two worlds did not ever intersect (except for church softball league and those games made me nervous because again these worlds should not be meeting.) I loved church. I loved the people, my friends, the old people, the weird people who raised their hands, I loved all the hugging, and singing. I felt like I had a place there. People knew me. I belonged to them. They belong to me. My family had a place to set that was our spot. I knew where everyone else would set too. No pressure or lonely feelings for me there as a child. Same at the softball fields where I grew up. I knew who would be there. I knew what we would do. I knew where we would play and set. I loved the people, my friends, the old people, the weird people who drank to much, and the old drunks who lived under the bridge. These folks knew me. I belong to them. They belong to me. These are places that I belonged. They were very different but yet so much a like.
In church my Dad was the guy who made most people feel uncomfortable because he spoke his mind, and cursed and chewed tobacco. Things things are still true about him. However at the softball field my dad was the conservative one. The hard working dad who was dedicated to his wife and kids. He was the one who would not drink to much, who didn't smoke cigarettes and though he cursed never dropped big curse words. Who he was moved him to the edge of belonging at both places. I wonder where he felt most comfortable where he felt he fit the most at ease. Judgment is a great isolator. So, I bet it was at the softball fields.
I have always had lots of friends. I don't remember hanging out or playing in the second grade. I wish I could say that once I made that right hand turn into Ms. Mc's class I belonged but that was not the case. Our teacher had our desks in rows, two on each side of the room that faced each other. Our desks layed against each other at each end. That was as affectionate as that room ever got. I remember being cold all the time. Maybe it was the cold Oklahoma wind, or the brick and cement walls but this was not a happy place. She was not warm...She would walk up and down the rows holding her ruler in her hand. She used it as a pointer. It felt like prison to me. She was the guard and the ruler was her night stick. She didn't seem to want us there. Maybe we were just a wild group. The only other thing I remember from second grade is Charlie Beavers eating glue. Charlie Beavers made fun of me all the time. I did not belong to him and he did not belong to me.
Having someone to belong to just makes life easier. I like knowing certain people are my people. I belong to them. They belong to me. Not like property but like good memories belong to us. They are ours. Nothing can change that. I feel this way when I am with my family...Brian and the kids are my beloveds...and I am theirs. We belong to each other. I feel this way with my brothers and sisters and my mom and dad. We go together...sometimes it feels like oil and water but we are each other's. I have friendships like this. I belong to you. Now, I am not alone. It gives me peace when I am alone. I don't have to many lonely walks down breeze ways anymore. I know these people are with me. I have a place I belong. It doesn't feel like prison. It feels like home. It is warm even in cold winds.
This sense of belonging started for me when I started to understand I belong to God and he belongs to me. That he chose me and I chose Him. (He has chosen all of us by the way!) When I got this relationship right all the others seem fall into place in my mind and heart and soul. No longer was I looking like a lonely Jr high girl for a click. I just want to me known for my own truth and then accepted. Not with a rubber stamp "quality inspected" but more like "authentic." Like my 100 year old table. It make have flaws but it is the real deal. I love it because it is real. It belongs to me imperfections and all. Like my memories of playing with my sister and our friends in the red dirt late at night under the score keepers box at the softball fields. Our bellies full of pop corn and cold soda. The smell of cheep beer in the air. My mom with a score keepers pad in her lap. My dad at the pitcher's mound. Chuck on third, uncle David (my dad's best friend) on first. Bug bits itching, dirt up my shorts, bear feet cooled by the dirt I sat in, runny noses....These memories are mine...those people were mine...they belong to me...I belong to them....feels good.
Friday, February 15, 2008
The War
So it happened, I got sick. I don't have the flu but I have flu like symptoms. Fortunately Regan has not gotten it so far. I am feeling better today than I did...so I am no my way to recovery. While I am frustrated with my body not feeling well I am also frustrated with my mind. Lent is not going as well as i had hoped. Since I was getting sick or have been ill I almost since Lent started I have not made it out of bed a hour early even 50% of the time....grrrrr! I complain way more than I even realized grrrrrr! I am reminded that prayer isn't easy.......grrrrr!
I am reminded that my mind is at war with two beliefs. One is that God is in control. The other is that I am. I want God to win. Unfortunately I am bull headed. I confess I don't make Him Lord everyday. I like to rule my life. I think I should make Mary's prayer mine.
"I am the Lord's servant".....
I want peace in my mind. I want peace in my heart. I want God to win the war one battle at a time.
I am reminded that my mind is at war with two beliefs. One is that God is in control. The other is that I am. I want God to win. Unfortunately I am bull headed. I confess I don't make Him Lord everyday. I like to rule my life. I think I should make Mary's prayer mine.
"I am the Lord's servant".....
I want peace in my mind. I want peace in my heart. I want God to win the war one battle at a time.
Thursday, February 07, 2008
Lent..giving and taking.
Lent starts today. I have been practicing Lent for about 10 years or so. I don't remember doing it before Ryder was born but I distinctly remember giving up Coke when he was small. Those of you who have traveled this journey for very long know Easter is a special time for our family. Regan started having seizures during Easter 6 years ago and on that 5th year anniversary last year we brought her home from the hospital again this time after thinking she was going to go home to be with Jesus.
So Lent stirs up lots of emotion in me. First because I am so frustrated by my own sin. I want to do so much better than I actually do. I am a "doer" Lent comforts me because it reminds me I was once hopeless (Eph. 2:) and could do nothing to help this hope deprived state. Thankful my salvation is not up to me! It also comforts me because it allows me to do something through the act of giving something up. If gives me a process to inform my soul of the HOPE of Christ. Because I live with someone who's body fights openly daily against the effects of sin (We all do this but Regan's is obvious!) I really hate sin. I am so glad that sin is not forever. Regan's body reminds me of my own experience. Thankful Jesus gave me the antidote I need (the double cure as the old song says). He took away my sin and guilt! He gave his life and took my sin.
Yesterday I cried my soul dry during the Ash Wednesday service because I was lamenting my sinful self. Last week I really blew it a few times. My heart feels dirty even though those I sinned against have forgiven me. I was also reminded that last year Lent was the hardest six weeks of my life. Regan passed a huge kidney stone, endured relentless seizures, and practically died all during the forty days of Lent. She literally came home on Good Friday. Last year I sat through the same Ash Wednesday service confessing me sin and committing to not watch Oprah for forty
days. At the time it seemed difficult. My kids even confessed they didn't think I could do it. That seems stupid now considering I had no idea that not watching Oprah would be the least of my Lament. Thankfully Jesus had another Lent plan for me. Last Lent was a time of taking....thankful that time he gave her back to me. God gave all of us a physical reminder of what Easter is....He gives and takes.
Two years ago I gave up coffee from Starbucks. Now this might even sound more stupid considering I felt blessed if I got it once a week. My mind and body obsess on the possibility of it. I would even save my cup. The cup from Starbucks actually brought me comfort. I realized I associated it with all my dear friends in Texas. Even though some of them don't drink coffee...I did so it made me miss them and nothing else seem to help that missing except a recycled
cardboard cup in my hand. Absurd I know but more true that you will ever know. I had assumed that I was blessed to ever have friends like that. So, I need to learn to praise Him for them. So, I did it....I let the Spirit comfort me and I gave up the pipe dream. He did a much better job than a latte ever could. Little did I know that God was already sending me a gift ...a new friend. To mend the loneliness. I met her during Lent that year. I didn't know we would be intimate friends. I was in a time of giving up...not the friends but the fantasy of finding them in a cup of coffee. During Lent the Spirit gave me comfort. Then a almost a year later He gave me a new friend. She is not like them and she doesn't need to replace them but our friendship renews me in similar ways. She is here with me and they live far away. I am sure glad I gave up coffee that year. He gives and takes.
This year I am giving up an hour's sleep. This is partially motivated by reading a book about a women who gets up to meditate at 3am. She is not a Christian. So she is not empowered by the Holy Spirit. This makes me feel lazy an devoted to my Jesus who actually Lives and who I love so much. So I want to get up an hour earlier (which is probably when many of you get up) so that I can pray. Brian suggested that Ryder could wake me up because my 11 year old son even gets up earlier than me. My desire is to pray the 5 offices of prayer. They hardest one for me will be early am. I have wanted to do it for many years. My hope is that this will be the framework for a disciple I desperately desire. I am also giving up complaining. I figure if I am actually sitting down to pray 5 times a day I should also stop complaining and just pray about it. I am going to give up sleep, complaining and I hope to get peace from a steady river of prayer. I may get something else all together. As my records shows He will give and take what He wants. My hope is in Him and not in my plan (or at least I want it to be!).
As the song says...He gives and He takes and He makes us Stronger.
So Lent stirs up lots of emotion in me. First because I am so frustrated by my own sin. I want to do so much better than I actually do. I am a "doer" Lent comforts me because it reminds me I was once hopeless (Eph. 2:) and could do nothing to help this hope deprived state. Thankful my salvation is not up to me! It also comforts me because it allows me to do something through the act of giving something up. If gives me a process to inform my soul of the HOPE of Christ. Because I live with someone who's body fights openly daily against the effects of sin (We all do this but Regan's is obvious!) I really hate sin. I am so glad that sin is not forever. Regan's body reminds me of my own experience. Thankful Jesus gave me the antidote I need (the double cure as the old song says). He took away my sin and guilt! He gave his life and took my sin.
Yesterday I cried my soul dry during the Ash Wednesday service because I was lamenting my sinful self. Last week I really blew it a few times. My heart feels dirty even though those I sinned against have forgiven me. I was also reminded that last year Lent was the hardest six weeks of my life. Regan passed a huge kidney stone, endured relentless seizures, and practically died all during the forty days of Lent. She literally came home on Good Friday. Last year I sat through the same Ash Wednesday service confessing me sin and committing to not watch Oprah for forty
days. At the time it seemed difficult. My kids even confessed they didn't think I could do it. That seems stupid now considering I had no idea that not watching Oprah would be the least of my Lament. Thankfully Jesus had another Lent plan for me. Last Lent was a time of taking....thankful that time he gave her back to me. God gave all of us a physical reminder of what Easter is....He gives and takes.Two years ago I gave up coffee from Starbucks. Now this might even sound more stupid considering I felt blessed if I got it once a week. My mind and body obsess on the possibility of it. I would even save my cup. The cup from Starbucks actually brought me comfort. I realized I associated it with all my dear friends in Texas. Even though some of them don't drink coffee...I did so it made me miss them and nothing else seem to help that missing except a recycled
cardboard cup in my hand. Absurd I know but more true that you will ever know. I had assumed that I was blessed to ever have friends like that. So, I need to learn to praise Him for them. So, I did it....I let the Spirit comfort me and I gave up the pipe dream. He did a much better job than a latte ever could. Little did I know that God was already sending me a gift ...a new friend. To mend the loneliness. I met her during Lent that year. I didn't know we would be intimate friends. I was in a time of giving up...not the friends but the fantasy of finding them in a cup of coffee. During Lent the Spirit gave me comfort. Then a almost a year later He gave me a new friend. She is not like them and she doesn't need to replace them but our friendship renews me in similar ways. She is here with me and they live far away. I am sure glad I gave up coffee that year. He gives and takes.This year I am giving up an hour's sleep. This is partially motivated by reading a book about a women who gets up to meditate at 3am. She is not a Christian. So she is not empowered by the Holy Spirit. This makes me feel lazy an devoted to my Jesus who actually Lives and who I love so much. So I want to get up an hour earlier (which is probably when many of you get up) so that I can pray. Brian suggested that Ryder could wake me up because my 11 year old son even gets up earlier than me. My desire is to pray the 5 offices of prayer. They hardest one for me will be early am. I have wanted to do it for many years. My hope is that this will be the framework for a disciple I desperately desire. I am also giving up complaining. I figure if I am actually sitting down to pray 5 times a day I should also stop complaining and just pray about it. I am going to give up sleep, complaining and I hope to get peace from a steady river of prayer. I may get something else all together. As my records shows He will give and take what He wants. My hope is in Him and not in my plan (or at least I want it to be!).
As the song says...He gives and He takes and He makes us Stronger.
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
sleeping until 10:15
Everyone is busy. This week has been over the top. Today was the end of of the crazy week. I am so glad. All the things that I have been participating in are great. Planning and hosting a all women's event at LCC. I really love my small group and have loved all of my small groups I have lead since we have been working at LCC. We had tons of snow but it was warm inside the hall we meet in because girls love to get together.
I also have been planning (with the help of lots of other) a retreat for high school girls at LCC. It is called "Awaken." I love this retreat....I love the girls I get to work with to plan it and I really love pour God's blessings out on these high school girls. Some of them drove four hours through the snow to get there. We were honored to have Shauna Niequist with us. She just wrote a book called Cold Tangerine's. If you haven't read it...you should.
This week I have been kicking off a new semester of Women's Bible Study at our Church (Monday Night and Tuesday Morning). I haven't taught a weekly study in five years so my stomach hurt yesterday because I was so nervous. We have about forty ladies participating between the two times. I look forward to our journey together.
Tonight is our Parent Advisory Board meeting in Springfield. I look forward to it each month...it is weird but I love St John's...I love the people there. It is like going home in many ways. It is a place were some of the biggest events in my life have happened. Many of them shared this moments with us. It is nice to give back.
Some people go like this all the time. I however do not. So the carrot in front of my nose is the thoughts of sitting in my living room and reading. I think Shannon might come over for lunch. That would be great too. I just want to take it easy. I don't want to load anything into my car but my body and purse. I do not want to try and make any body or thing feel comfortable but my feet. I am full of gratitude for all of these places to serve but I am ready for a break. Rylee and I didn't even watch the Super Bowl Sunday. We watched High School Musial II and played games. The boys were gone and so we did Sunday our way. She went with me to serve for Awaken...we both needed rest. She was tired on Saturday Night. While we were eating dinner we were discussing how tired we were. She looked at Ryder and said, "Ryder , you are not the one who had to get up at 10:15...you would be tired too!"
.....oh to sleep until 10:15am!
I also have been planning (with the help of lots of other) a retreat for high school girls at LCC. It is called "Awaken." I love this retreat....I love the girls I get to work with to plan it and I really love pour God's blessings out on these high school girls. Some of them drove four hours through the snow to get there. We were honored to have Shauna Niequist with us. She just wrote a book called Cold Tangerine's. If you haven't read it...you should.
This week I have been kicking off a new semester of Women's Bible Study at our Church (Monday Night and Tuesday Morning). I haven't taught a weekly study in five years so my stomach hurt yesterday because I was so nervous. We have about forty ladies participating between the two times. I look forward to our journey together.
Tonight is our Parent Advisory Board meeting in Springfield. I look forward to it each month...it is weird but I love St John's...I love the people there. It is like going home in many ways. It is a place were some of the biggest events in my life have happened. Many of them shared this moments with us. It is nice to give back.
Some people go like this all the time. I however do not. So the carrot in front of my nose is the thoughts of sitting in my living room and reading. I think Shannon might come over for lunch. That would be great too. I just want to take it easy. I don't want to load anything into my car but my body and purse. I do not want to try and make any body or thing feel comfortable but my feet. I am full of gratitude for all of these places to serve but I am ready for a break. Rylee and I didn't even watch the Super Bowl Sunday. We watched High School Musial II and played games. The boys were gone and so we did Sunday our way. She went with me to serve for Awaken...we both needed rest. She was tired on Saturday Night. While we were eating dinner we were discussing how tired we were. She looked at Ryder and said, "Ryder , you are not the one who had to get up at 10:15...you would be tired too!"
.....oh to sleep until 10:15am!
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Brace Face
This morning Rylee got her braces on. She chose blue and yellow as her rubber band colors. Those are her school colors! Now that is School Spirit! She has a great attitude about the whole thing. I am proud of how she is just doing it without complaining. She has had an expander since November....so now chewy candy, soda, nuts or hard things....She does a great job. Anyway I knew the grandma's would want to see. Can you believe she is getting so old!!!!!
Oh, Parian here is a picture of Moby our dog. He was so cute last night. The girls and I were snuggling on the sofa watching American Idol. He got jealous and jump in my lap. He laid his head down on my other shoulder. Until Ryder took the picture....I also got new glasses. My mom wants to see them.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Shaking the Rug Out
Isn't it funny how we all have things we want to hide. Ryder played hide and seek on Saturday Night and we were saying that being found is half the fun. Yet many of us spend our whole lives hiding parts of ourselves from everyone. Isn't it funny how we do the same with God. We honestly think he doesn't know. I think we are afraid if He saw us maybe he would leave. I am blessed to have a closet that I can put things in that don't have a place. (Brian probably thinks it's his garage but it's not!) It is a closet that has our games, my scrapbooks, a couple file cabinets its, my craft supplies, wrapping paper and everything else that doesn't fit into a category. I don't like to look in because it frustrates me because I don't know what to do with all of it. I never want people to see in it...(even though I know some of you will now knock on my door as ask to look in.) I recently read a book that where the author described her basement as being her place of shame. I suppose most of us have some spot. All of us do internally I know.
One of the things I always want clean is my bathroom. I want the mirrors clean of toothpaste. I want the sink to be the same. I want to pee on the floor around the toilet from when Ryder is in too big of a hurry...or one of his friends. I want to rugs shook out and free from all the hair that falls on them. I want my bathroom to look like no one lives it in. Unfortunately my kids bathroom is also the "guest bath." And so the bath that our guest see is the one my kids use. They don't share the same issues as me so every morning I wipe it down and shake out the rugs into the tub and wash it down the drain...and there is sits pretty until they get home.
I have a few friends that I don't shake the rug out for. It is shear discipline that I don't shake the rug out. All of me wants to but I make myself be free of it for them. I won't want them to clean their bathrooms for me. As a matter of fact I have cleaned some of there bathrooms and enjoyed it. I know that they know I am not perfect so I don't have to pretend. I don't have to hide my imperfections. They aren't that impressed with me and it feels good.
I want to be this way all the time but I am not. I hide. I hide my sin in the closet. I make my life look more cleaned up than it really is. I "shake my rug out" too much. I am glad I have these friends I do have....they live all over the place. If I knew they were coming to visit I would clean up but only for the first day...then I would remember they know me. They have listened to me groan because I have to words to say. They have held me in hospital hallways...they listened to me when I was angry with myself because I sin...and because we live in a fallen world. They listen to my ideas, to my dreams, to my failures...and they still want to be my friend. They are my "Jesus with Skin On" as my friend Paula used to say.
So I was reminded this week you can't shake your rugs for everybody....thank you Jesus that you see my closet...you know my bathroom gets messy and you love me anyway and you give me people that love me anyway.
One of the things I always want clean is my bathroom. I want the mirrors clean of toothpaste. I want the sink to be the same. I want to pee on the floor around the toilet from when Ryder is in too big of a hurry...or one of his friends. I want to rugs shook out and free from all the hair that falls on them. I want my bathroom to look like no one lives it in. Unfortunately my kids bathroom is also the "guest bath." And so the bath that our guest see is the one my kids use. They don't share the same issues as me so every morning I wipe it down and shake out the rugs into the tub and wash it down the drain...and there is sits pretty until they get home.
I have a few friends that I don't shake the rug out for. It is shear discipline that I don't shake the rug out. All of me wants to but I make myself be free of it for them. I won't want them to clean their bathrooms for me. As a matter of fact I have cleaned some of there bathrooms and enjoyed it. I know that they know I am not perfect so I don't have to pretend. I don't have to hide my imperfections. They aren't that impressed with me and it feels good.
I want to be this way all the time but I am not. I hide. I hide my sin in the closet. I make my life look more cleaned up than it really is. I "shake my rug out" too much. I am glad I have these friends I do have....they live all over the place. If I knew they were coming to visit I would clean up but only for the first day...then I would remember they know me. They have listened to me groan because I have to words to say. They have held me in hospital hallways...they listened to me when I was angry with myself because I sin...and because we live in a fallen world. They listen to my ideas, to my dreams, to my failures...and they still want to be my friend. They are my "Jesus with Skin On" as my friend Paula used to say.
So I was reminded this week you can't shake your rugs for everybody....thank you Jesus that you see my closet...you know my bathroom gets messy and you love me anyway and you give me people that love me anyway.
Monday, January 21, 2008
Monday's Muse
When you are constantly suctioning mucus out of the back of your daughter's throat it makes it very difficult to take time to cuddle with her. It is practically difficult because you need two hands to suction and two arms to hold; since hands are connected to arms you could see the difficulty.
The other issue is that she requires so much in these moments that every other moment I need to be doing something to keep the rest of the family afloat. Unfortunately, cuddling because low on my "to do list." I am a task person so this list is important to me...many times too important. There is also the issue of cuddling with someone who has oxygen tube on her face, feeding tube in her belly, drain tube in her belly, on top of the suction. It is cumbersome and annoying.
A side effect of all of this is it also interferes with my time with Ryder and Rylee. Really it is the same issues. Practically it is difficult because you are constantly jumping up to suction. You need two arms to cuddle a big kid too and it still takes two hands to suction. My to do list and task driven personality interfere with my deep desire to hold my kids (which they both still want everyday even though Ryder is 11! Yea!)
So last night I put it on my "to do list." Ryder and Brian went to St Louis for the afternoon and evening. It was Sunday...I try to do the least amount I can on Sunday because it honors God and reminds me He rested too! Rylee had her friend Danielle over to play for a few hours so I could spend time with Regan. So we sat. I unhooked her feeding tube...no oxygen...no need to suction...no time limit because she didn't need any breathing treatments. My arms and hands were free and my to do list was being checked off because I got to spend a great two hours holding my baby girl. We talked to Nana (my mom) on the phone. Regan likes to talk to her on the phone because she has a great voice...she is excited to hear her and almost always responds. When I hold Regan I remember how much I liked to cuddle. I still do.
At 9pm Rylee's friend left and then Rylee and I reset the house, got Regan in bed, got our jammies on and then snuggled in my bed. Rylee loves to snuggle in my bed. I understand because I am almost 35 but laying in bed with my mom is one of my favorite places. It sounds weird I know but it Shalom to me. She and I love to talk so we just go on and on. Rylee and I are the same. Last night we mostly read. She read "Honestly Malory!" and I read "Cold Tangerine's." We laughed when we turned pages at the exact same time. We had our legs all knotted up together. Regan was in her bed listening to Josh Groben. We read for an hour. Then she said, as she laid her book down, I want to rest. She snuggled in close and read my book with me. She said, "Is this book about her life." Yes I replied...."like a blog in print." She wished there were pictures. I read for another thirty minutes. Then I just looked at her. She is a beautiful girl. She is growing up. I love it and hate it all at the same time. I wondered if when she is 35 if she will still want moments like this. I know I will.
ps thanks for the prayers about the seizures...none all day yesterday!
The other issue is that she requires so much in these moments that every other moment I need to be doing something to keep the rest of the family afloat. Unfortunately, cuddling because low on my "to do list." I am a task person so this list is important to me...many times too important. There is also the issue of cuddling with someone who has oxygen tube on her face, feeding tube in her belly, drain tube in her belly, on top of the suction. It is cumbersome and annoying.
A side effect of all of this is it also interferes with my time with Ryder and Rylee. Really it is the same issues. Practically it is difficult because you are constantly jumping up to suction. You need two arms to cuddle a big kid too and it still takes two hands to suction. My to do list and task driven personality interfere with my deep desire to hold my kids (which they both still want everyday even though Ryder is 11! Yea!)
So last night I put it on my "to do list." Ryder and Brian went to St Louis for the afternoon and evening. It was Sunday...I try to do the least amount I can on Sunday because it honors God and reminds me He rested too! Rylee had her friend Danielle over to play for a few hours so I could spend time with Regan. So we sat. I unhooked her feeding tube...no oxygen...no need to suction...no time limit because she didn't need any breathing treatments. My arms and hands were free and my to do list was being checked off because I got to spend a great two hours holding my baby girl. We talked to Nana (my mom) on the phone. Regan likes to talk to her on the phone because she has a great voice...she is excited to hear her and almost always responds. When I hold Regan I remember how much I liked to cuddle. I still do.
At 9pm Rylee's friend left and then Rylee and I reset the house, got Regan in bed, got our jammies on and then snuggled in my bed. Rylee loves to snuggle in my bed. I understand because I am almost 35 but laying in bed with my mom is one of my favorite places. It sounds weird I know but it Shalom to me. She and I love to talk so we just go on and on. Rylee and I are the same. Last night we mostly read. She read "Honestly Malory!" and I read "Cold Tangerine's." We laughed when we turned pages at the exact same time. We had our legs all knotted up together. Regan was in her bed listening to Josh Groben. We read for an hour. Then she said, as she laid her book down, I want to rest. She snuggled in close and read my book with me. She said, "Is this book about her life." Yes I replied...."like a blog in print." She wished there were pictures. I read for another thirty minutes. Then I just looked at her. She is a beautiful girl. She is growing up. I love it and hate it all at the same time. I wondered if when she is 35 if she will still want moments like this. I know I will.
ps thanks for the prayers about the seizures...none all day yesterday!
Friday, January 18, 2008
100% to the Extreme
Just a quick update to let you know that Regan is doing much better. Today is is on nothing but room air and stating at 100%...Regan is an extreme girl.(Regan is with her cousin Terren at Christmas!)
She has gotten significantly better in the last two day (since the last blog update) so I am thinking I need to ask you to pray about her seizures. She has been having a lot the last couple days. She had 7 yesterday and already four today...Regan is an extreme girl.
We serve an extreme God so if you could request a break from these nasty things we would appreciate it. But when you go to Him...thank if for this day 100% to the extreme.
I am extremely tired of running an ICU. Brian and I need a break. So we are going on a date! Lil will be with the kiddos. Ryder asked Regan this morning if she was excited to see Julie and Regan smiled.
Then he asked her if she was excited about Lil coming over tonight while mom and dad go out and she smiled. (All kids love a babysitter because they are extreme fun!) Kyle, Lil's boyfriend (seen in photo to the right) is going to stop over to see them all. Ryder asked Regan if she was excited about Kyle coming over and Regan did nothing. So he asked her if Regan knew who Kyle was and Regan shook her head no...Ryder then asked her if it was sorta weird to think about Lil having a boyfriend and Regan smiled. Ryder told her it was weird for him too! Ryder called this intelligent conversation vs the spiritual conversations we usually have with our sweet girl. Regan is an extreme girl!
(note that in the picture Ryder and Rylee are in the center of Li's attention and Kyle is distracted by video games....This is the way my children like it...being in the center of attention while boyfriends are distracted by image on a screen.)
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
What a Walk
It is sorta a funny thing that the person who continues to teach me how to walk close to Christ doesn't walk...she rolls. In times when Regan is needing more care (like now) one of the upsides is that I get to spend more time with her. I learn a lot from being with her. The girls who help me take care of her call it "Regan Therapy." She sorta helps you sort out your stuff because she is a great listener and she never tells what you say. She never says things that are insensitive or that you should just get over it or that you are over reacting and she never asks you if you are getting ready to start your period. (Even though she may be thinking it!.) She just listens. Sometimes she smiles. Sometimes she sleeps....she lets you sit with it. Somehow knowing that she has walked a difficult journey you find comfort in her presence....She is so full of the Holy Spirit's power that he uses her to minister to me....In her weakness I am reminded of mine. But because Christ is so strong in her you think...maybe he could be strong in me to? Am I able to accept that Christ has called me to give up everything in order to gain my life? Regan seems to have found that groove....
funny thing....the medicine that she is on that is keeping her secretions to a minimum...and in this lack keep her alive...this med was only given to her when she was told she wouldn't live another day. She had to almost literally lose her life to gain a better life back. So this makes me wonder what do I have to give up to get a better life in Christ? Thanks Reg's!
She is still needing lots of breathing treatments but no fever...today seemed a little better than yesterday.....please keep praying for us. Pray for strength...and clarity! Oh, and that Regan would get better. I praise God for you...I wish each of you could have some time with her....maybe someday when we are all Gathered together with Jesus she can tell us stories. I think that might be her theme in Glory. I know she will testify of His greatness in her. How He made her weak because He was strong....I think while she is telling us she will be walking and talking...talking and walking. (I hope we can all keep up!)
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Divine Prayer
I have been needing to set down and let everyone know that Regan is having some breathing issues over the past couple of weeks. It started on our trip through Kansas and Oklahoma. The Oklahoma climate was near tropical plus wind minus the beaches and tan muscular people in swimsuits. As you remember from previous entries Regan doesn't like mild weather. She is an en extreme girl in many ways. She likes it hot or freezing. So we are doing round the clock breathing treatments. She started on an antibiotic on Monday and we hope she will respond to all of this soon. In the meantime will you pray with us about it. We are beginning to feel tired so I know she is.
Some of you know that I love the "Divine Hours" which is book that is a companion for people who pray according to the Daily Offices of prayer (which is one of the oldest forms of Christian prayer taken from Judaism.) These prayers have saved me from myself many a day in the last few years. Many times I don't know what to pray, I have no energy to come up with words, I can even speak. God laid this tool in my lap...I have never owned my own copy. I continually
check them out from the library. My mother in law Vera Lu generously purchased them for me for Christmas. It is one of the highlights of the season for me. Thanks again for my own Vera Lu! I wanted to share the Final Nightly Petition with you,
"Watch, O Lord with those who wake, or watch or weep tonight, and give Your angels and saints charge over those who sleep. Tend Your sick ones, O Lord Christ. Rest Your weary ones. Bless Your Dying ones, Soothe Your Suffering ones. Shield Your joyous ones, and all for Your loves' sake. Amen! (By St. Augustine)
Could we say it any better than this man who was inspired to write it somewhere in the late 300's-early 400's. Thank you sir...I look forward to meeting him someday when we are all gathered with Jesus. I hope he gets to tell us the story behind the prayer. I can think of no better prayer to pray to the One who never slumbers. I can think of no better request than to ask the One who made all to watch, to tend, bring rest, bless, soothe, and shield...all for His Love's sake. The great Love that brought the woman to wash His Son's feet with her tears and hair. The great love that drove the Father to give us redemption through His own Son. Surely there must be no end to His Love. No divorce ...no separation from us. This love so great that He would stoop to save us from our own weakness. Bless His Name that He is in charge of us wither we wake, watch or weep...I am so grateful that Augustine knew that during the night some are awake, some are watching out for others, some are weeping...and sometimes we are doing all three. God's love is great...His mercies are unending.
On a much lighter note .....We subscribe to Time magazine and I am very behind on reading them. I read magazines back to front usually so if an article is in the front it could take days before I would get to it. Last night I was reading the November issue in which the cover proclaimed "God Vs Man" they had a story on Mitochondrial Disorder called "When Cells Stop Working" (You can click on the Link to read the article.) It is a short article and easy to read and understand. I thought some of you might want to understand Regan's disorder better. Often article about it are to weighty but this one might bring clarity.
Some of you know that I love the "Divine Hours" which is book that is a companion for people who pray according to the Daily Offices of prayer (which is one of the oldest forms of Christian prayer taken from Judaism.) These prayers have saved me from myself many a day in the last few years. Many times I don't know what to pray, I have no energy to come up with words, I can even speak. God laid this tool in my lap...I have never owned my own copy. I continually
check them out from the library. My mother in law Vera Lu generously purchased them for me for Christmas. It is one of the highlights of the season for me. Thanks again for my own Vera Lu! I wanted to share the Final Nightly Petition with you,"Watch, O Lord with those who wake, or watch or weep tonight, and give Your angels and saints charge over those who sleep. Tend Your sick ones, O Lord Christ. Rest Your weary ones. Bless Your Dying ones, Soothe Your Suffering ones. Shield Your joyous ones, and all for Your loves' sake. Amen! (By St. Augustine)
Could we say it any better than this man who was inspired to write it somewhere in the late 300's-early 400's. Thank you sir...I look forward to meeting him someday when we are all gathered with Jesus. I hope he gets to tell us the story behind the prayer. I can think of no better prayer to pray to the One who never slumbers. I can think of no better request than to ask the One who made all to watch, to tend, bring rest, bless, soothe, and shield...all for His Love's sake. The great Love that brought the woman to wash His Son's feet with her tears and hair. The great love that drove the Father to give us redemption through His own Son. Surely there must be no end to His Love. No divorce ...no separation from us. This love so great that He would stoop to save us from our own weakness. Bless His Name that He is in charge of us wither we wake, watch or weep...I am so grateful that Augustine knew that during the night some are awake, some are watching out for others, some are weeping...and sometimes we are doing all three. God's love is great...His mercies are unending.
On a much lighter note .....We subscribe to Time magazine and I am very behind on reading them. I read magazines back to front usually so if an article is in the front it could take days before I would get to it. Last night I was reading the November issue in which the cover proclaimed "God Vs Man" they had a story on Mitochondrial Disorder called "When Cells Stop Working" (You can click on the Link to read the article.) It is a short article and easy to read and understand. I thought some of you might want to understand Regan's disorder better. Often article about it are to weighty but this one might bring clarity.
Sunday, January 06, 2008
Bitter Sweet
I love chocolate and I love coffee. As we were trucking across Kansas Rylee said that she thought I should live in "Coffeeville" (a town in Kansas.) Chocolate just tastes better with a little coffee. Something about the bitter with the sweet....what a great combination. As the kids and I were driving back from Oklahoma we had a great discussion about the sweet parts of life are just made better by the bitter ones. I have a few of those types of memories this year. Not sad memories the way you normally think of bitter sweet but....sweet made sweeter by bitter memories of the past.
First my Granny....who I love with all my heart and who was a very important part of my childhood. We also lived together for a while while I was in college. (We took care of each other!) As she gets closer to eternity with Jesus she has very few lucid moments these days. She thinks that she is 18...that her parents are coming to visit at anytime. She thinks her kids are her siblings. Last Christmas she did not know who I was ...I was okay with it but it makes me said. This year however on the day I was leaving I went to see her. When I walked in she said, "Oh, I am so glad to see you Chantell...I thought you went back home without coming to see me." She proceeded to ask me where Brian was, where my folks were, and how my aunt was how is in the hospital. Now that moment was made sweeter by last years bitter moment.
I also got one of the greatest compliments of my life from Brian's Grandmother Hesser. She is one of the most god fearing people I know. The night manager at her Assisted Living Center prints the blog for her. She said that when she reads the blog she feels like she has been to church. This is a big compliment because she and I come from a very different view of women's role in the church. I know that she hasn't always agreed with me or my interpretations of scripture....we have always respected each other but we are very different. So this compliment is very special or sweet to me because for her to say this is HUGE. I might say bitter sweet.
Lastly my brother and sister-in law have been trying to get pregnant for four years. We really thought that they might not be able to have more children. This was very bitter because we all wanted them to have more. But in God's great providence they are expecting and due in February. Rylee, Regan and I got to attend her baby shower on Saturday. This was a sweet moment for all of us. This pregnancy is a little more exciting and a little more fun than the others in our family because we feel like God's favor is shining on is. It is bitter sweet.
First my Granny....who I love with all my heart and who was a very important part of my childhood. We also lived together for a while while I was in college. (We took care of each other!) As she gets closer to eternity with Jesus she has very few lucid moments these days. She thinks that she is 18...that her parents are coming to visit at anytime. She thinks her kids are her siblings. Last Christmas she did not know who I was ...I was okay with it but it makes me said. This year however on the day I was leaving I went to see her. When I walked in she said, "Oh, I am so glad to see you Chantell...I thought you went back home without coming to see me." She proceeded to ask me where Brian was, where my folks were, and how my aunt was how is in the hospital. Now that moment was made sweeter by last years bitter moment.
I also got one of the greatest compliments of my life from Brian's Grandmother Hesser. She is one of the most god fearing people I know. The night manager at her Assisted Living Center prints the blog for her. She said that when she reads the blog she feels like she has been to church. This is a big compliment because she and I come from a very different view of women's role in the church. I know that she hasn't always agreed with me or my interpretations of scripture....we have always respected each other but we are very different. So this compliment is very special or sweet to me because for her to say this is HUGE. I might say bitter sweet.
Lastly my brother and sister-in law have been trying to get pregnant for four years. We really thought that they might not be able to have more children. This was very bitter because we all wanted them to have more. But in God's great providence they are expecting and due in February. Rylee, Regan and I got to attend her baby shower on Saturday. This was a sweet moment for all of us. This pregnancy is a little more exciting and a little more fun than the others in our family because we feel like God's favor is shining on is. It is bitter sweet.
Friday, December 21, 2007
Ponder This!
One activity that I enjoy is to read the hymnal that I grew up singing out of. Sometimes I sing the songs I know...sometimes I set at Rylee's keyboard and try to figure out the tune....sometimes I just read them meditatively and prayerfully. This hymnal is one of my most treasured possessions. I love it because it smells like church to me. I remember sining many of these songs at church back in the day when we turned in between each song instead of some seamless transition. I remember the transition being the sound of pages ruffling. I remember my dad's favorite being page 125. I remember Ann at the piano and Carlos at the the music stand leading us with their beautiful harmony. I remember my mom's neck turning red when she was moved by the words. I used the hymnal to as something hard while I wrote notes to my friends when the service was going too long. I know I didn't appreciate it then. Now I love these songs because I believe that songs should teach something...like doctrine and biblical truth. Often times modern music leaves me feeling disapointed...too simple and usually too repetitive...oh and way to much about me instead of Him. I believe it was the great reformer Martian Luther that said that when we sing God's truth our soul says "Amen!" I love that feeling!
The past couple of weeks I can't get the second verse of "Good Christian Men Rejoice" out of my head.
"Good Christian Men rejoice! With heart and soul and voice! Now ye hear of endless bliss Jesus Christ was born for this. He hath opened heaven's door, and man is blessed forever more. Christ was born for this, Christ was born for this!"
Christ birth is wonderful because he was born to bring us redemption. He was born to save! Salvation came because HE died in our place. He was born to die. My heart turns to his mother. The one who pondered things in her heart. The one who knelt beside a manger He used for a bed, wrapped in him swaddling cloths (and I believe mostly held her sweet lil' boy in her arms. After all he was her first and there were wild animals and strangers there who I am sure did not wash their hands!) This is the same mother who knelt at the foot of the cross and then wrapped Him in burial cloths and held her son again in her arms.
I am sure her whole life long these two moments were replayed in her mind. He was born to die. He did a lot of great living in the middle. I wonder what the ponderings were? She was told from the very beginning that a sword would pierce her own soul. It is not easy to be a mom who know that her child will live a life of suffering. I know that when you watch your child suffer you human instinct is to pull back your heart because the pain of a breaking heart is so great. I know that her heart must have been swung back and forth as she she was comforted by the truth that Jesus Christ was born for THIS! and then the frustration of Jesus being born for this? Each time over the past few weeks when I sing or hear this song It comforts me to know she understands all those things she pondered about and that it was those treasures that she laid at Her Saviors feet. I keep thinking of her looking down on us from the Great Cloud when we sing the third verse. I wonder if they get to sing with us? Oh, I hope so!
"Good Christian men rejoice. With heart and soul and voice! Now ye need no fear the grave Jesus Christ was born to save; Calls you one and call you all, To gain his everlasting hall. Christ was born to save, Christ was born to save!"
My soul this Christmas says "Amen!"
The past couple of weeks I can't get the second verse of "Good Christian Men Rejoice" out of my head.
"Good Christian Men rejoice! With heart and soul and voice! Now ye hear of endless bliss Jesus Christ was born for this. He hath opened heaven's door, and man is blessed forever more. Christ was born for this, Christ was born for this!"
Christ birth is wonderful because he was born to bring us redemption. He was born to save! Salvation came because HE died in our place. He was born to die. My heart turns to his mother. The one who pondered things in her heart. The one who knelt beside a manger He used for a bed, wrapped in him swaddling cloths (and I believe mostly held her sweet lil' boy in her arms. After all he was her first and there were wild animals and strangers there who I am sure did not wash their hands!) This is the same mother who knelt at the foot of the cross and then wrapped Him in burial cloths and held her son again in her arms.
I am sure her whole life long these two moments were replayed in her mind. He was born to die. He did a lot of great living in the middle. I wonder what the ponderings were? She was told from the very beginning that a sword would pierce her own soul. It is not easy to be a mom who know that her child will live a life of suffering. I know that when you watch your child suffer you human instinct is to pull back your heart because the pain of a breaking heart is so great. I know that her heart must have been swung back and forth as she she was comforted by the truth that Jesus Christ was born for THIS! and then the frustration of Jesus being born for this? Each time over the past few weeks when I sing or hear this song It comforts me to know she understands all those things she pondered about and that it was those treasures that she laid at Her Saviors feet. I keep thinking of her looking down on us from the Great Cloud when we sing the third verse. I wonder if they get to sing with us? Oh, I hope so!
"Good Christian men rejoice. With heart and soul and voice! Now ye need no fear the grave Jesus Christ was born to save; Calls you one and call you all, To gain his everlasting hall. Christ was born to save, Christ was born to save!"
My soul this Christmas says "Amen!"
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
A Moment with Anna
One of my favorite people is the story of Jesus' birth is Anna. She gets little fame in the story because she plays just a small role. She isn't found in any nativity collection or probably even known about unless you actually read the Bible. She only gets remembered in a few yet powerful verses. Every year she is one of my favorite parts but I find myself drawn to her anew. "Anna the prophetess was also there, a daughter of Phanuel from the tribe of Asher. She was by now a very old woman. She had been married seven years and a widow for eighty-four. She never left the Temple area, worshiping night and day with her fastings an prayers. At the very time Simeon was praying, she showed up, broke into an anthem of praise to God, and talked about the child to all who were waiting expectantly for the freeing of Jerusalem." Luke 2:36-38
I have found that the last few months have been a season of solitude for me. Regan is sleeping a lot and so I am "home" alone a lot. I know many mom's out there would find this find some time like this a great reward but it grew old very fast. So, I decided maybe I could learn something from sweet Anna. That in her grief she found purpose. She lost her husband after seven years of marriage. It says she never left the Temple area. Now as New Testament believers WE are the Temple of the Holy Spirit. So in my heart I can continually pray and worship God in all things. What I love most is that when Jesus showed up she recognized Him. Oh, that my heart could be these ready, that my heart could be so in tune with the Spirit that I would know when Jesus shows up. I also love that she waits expectantly for the freedom of Jerusalem. I pray God create in my a heart that continually expects the full freedom of sin when Christ's comes again. My heart cries out this Christmas...come Lord Jesus come.
ps our sweet lil Regan is singing this morning! I think she is taking the role of "breaking into an anthem of Praise to God" part of Anna's story. It seems to be a private matter for her because she rarely does it in public.
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
Our Little Dicken's
Ryder was apart of the 20th year of Christmas in the Chapel. 
He only had a small part as the young Charles Dickens. He did a great job. Here he his with Brady the guy who played his dad. We love Brady. He is a preachers kid with a great heart and great acting skills. He and Ryder hung out a lot when he was in Romeo and Juliet. Brady can be critical of himself and Ryder has noticed. Ryder said, "I can be that way to but Brady says not to do it." I am hoping some of Brady's finer qualities continue to rub off on our youngin'. Brady's girlfriend Emily and I say that Ryder and Brady are BFF's. Well maybe not but I sure hope Brady knows that my little guy is watching. Below he is with Adam (who is great as well) who played Charles Dickens.
It is moments like these when I really love our life/ministry here at LCC. I relish the opportunities that my kids have to see great Christian young people and aspire to be like them. The world through media doesn't offer great examples but our life at LCC does.
Here is Rylee and Kate with our Lilian..(she really goes by Lil but we like to call her Lilian!) My kids see her nearly every week day. She hangs out with Regs in the afternoon. They study Hebrew History together. Lil is not perfect but she is struggling to know Jesus.
I want Rylee to not think she has to be perfect but to find herself in the struggle just like Jacob did and Lil is doing.
It reminds me of what Paul wrote to the church in Philippians 3:9. "The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me practice these things and the God of peace shall be with you. " We are at peace with God when we dwell with him in our mind, actions and heart. Part of how we know HOW to do it is by watching others do it. I know that I am an example to my kids and their friends but they need other examples too.
Rylee and Kate hanging out with Kim, Chelsey, and Claudia over at the Casa de Maupin. There are so many people in my life who have and are these examples to me It is part of why I love Christmas because I love the cards from many of these people. They cheer me! Their words encourage me to keep believing...keep pressing on! They remind me of what is excellent. (phil. 3:8) But today I give praise to God for his faithfulness to my children by always (throughout their whole life) giving them folks who can show them what a life of "whatever" looks like. "whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, let your mind dwell on these things." (phil 3:8)
He only had a small part as the young Charles Dickens. He did a great job. Here he his with Brady the guy who played his dad. We love Brady. He is a preachers kid with a great heart and great acting skills. He and Ryder hung out a lot when he was in Romeo and Juliet. Brady can be critical of himself and Ryder has noticed. Ryder said, "I can be that way to but Brady says not to do it." I am hoping some of Brady's finer qualities continue to rub off on our youngin'. Brady's girlfriend Emily and I say that Ryder and Brady are BFF's. Well maybe not but I sure hope Brady knows that my little guy is watching. Below he is with Adam (who is great as well) who played Charles Dickens.
It is moments like these when I really love our life/ministry here at LCC. I relish the opportunities that my kids have to see great Christian young people and aspire to be like them. The world through media doesn't offer great examples but our life at LCC does.Here is Rylee and Kate with our Lilian..(she really goes by Lil but we like to call her Lilian!) My kids see her nearly every week day. She hangs out with Regs in the afternoon. They study Hebrew History together. Lil is not perfect but she is struggling to know Jesus.
I want Rylee to not think she has to be perfect but to find herself in the struggle just like Jacob did and Lil is doing.It reminds me of what Paul wrote to the church in Philippians 3:9. "The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me practice these things and the God of peace shall be with you. " We are at peace with God when we dwell with him in our mind, actions and heart. Part of how we know HOW to do it is by watching others do it. I know that I am an example to my kids and their friends but they need other examples too.
Rylee and Kate hanging out with Kim, Chelsey, and Claudia over at the Casa de Maupin. There are so many people in my life who have and are these examples to me It is part of why I love Christmas because I love the cards from many of these people. They cheer me! Their words encourage me to keep believing...keep pressing on! They remind me of what is excellent. (phil. 3:8) But today I give praise to God for his faithfulness to my children by always (throughout their whole life) giving them folks who can show them what a life of "whatever" looks like. "whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, let your mind dwell on these things." (phil 3:8)
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Life Lessons' through a Barbie Dream House
When I was young and growing up on a simple street in rural Oklahoma I had a neighbor a few doors down her name was Crystal. She and I hung out a lot. I loved to go to her house and we always played with our Barbie's. I liked to go to Crystal's house because she had a three story Barbie House that had the pull elevator. It was so cool! This is the modern version but was the hottest toy going at the time. The way I remember it she also had a really cool car.
I always wanted one. I was envious of Crystal's toy! My mom told me that I didn't need one because Crystal had one. She always said that playing Barbie wasn't as fun by yourself and so if Crystal had a house then we could play Barbie together at her house. There was no need for me to have one..after all Crystal had one. She was teaching me to enjoy what someone else has without needing to own one yourself.
The disciple of thinking something is awesome with out needed to buy it!
I have used that story so many times with my kids. Wither it is about awesome Lego's sets or little pet shop houses, Rescue Heroes, American Girl doll collections....you name it. My kids used to love to go the Hull's house when we lived in Dallas because they had a garage full of boy toys (Rodney included, that's the dad!). They wanted a garage full of toys too! I always remembered this lesson my mom tried to teach me. That life isn't even and sharing is good. Enjoying what someone else has without wanting it yourself is good. That this will create a happy heart that enjoys life more.
I admit I do still fall into the trap of wanting what other's have or even what other's (like Pottery Barn) tell me I should want. I am no longer envious of Barbie Dream House but I am envious of the houses I see in magazines and that I see on TV or as I drive down the street. I am not a huge comparer but it seems like the American Economy thrives if I DO fall into the trap. I like nice things...I even own some nice things...I just want to be content with them and not fall into sin by comparing the blessings that God has given me with someone else's blessing. It robs the joy out of the blessings God gives.
I think it has gone on since the beginning of time. Paul reminds us in Romans that we should rejoice with those who rejoice. Usually we like what we buy. So when I have something new I to share my joy and not feel like if I share my blessing the person I am sharing it with will want it. So, I don't want to do that to me either.
I don't even know if this is exactly what my mom was teaching me but I know that she understood that I needed to be content and keep from the love of money. Most Christian's would not say that they love money but most of us love the stuff that money can buy. Solomon tells us in Ecclesiastes that we should be content with our pay. Doesn't that seem unAmerican. We want raises every year, increase of benefits every year, expect that the next job we get will pay more than the previous one. Then in that situation we will be content. Theses reminders in scripture teach us to do what Hebrews 11: 5 tell us to do to be content that "Never will I leave you; Never will I forsake you."
I hear the whisper of the Holy Spirit reminding me that this is what Christmas should remind me of ... to be content (full of peace and joy) in the reality that the Emmanuel came like God said He would and that the Emmanuel will come again like He said He would. How could I want for more. (As Mary Poppin's would say, "Enough is as much as a feast.") Like the old Hymn says, "It is well...with my soul" Thanks mom for the great lesson (your the best). And a special thanks to Crystal's mom who bought her the Dream House so that I could be taught this important life lesson. And let's not forget Crystal who shared when she could have chosen to hoard it all to herself.
Monday, November 26, 2007
Catching Up
We had a fine Thanksgiving with all of Brian's siblings and their spouses and kids in Indiana. A huge bunch for sure but we ate great food and enjoyed listening to the kids so that was pretty much a full time job. We gathered to take this picture on Thanksgiving morning. That was about the most difficult part of the week. (If you have ever tried to take a big family photo you know why...)Paul and Tiffany (Brian's brother and his wife) drove through Lincoln on their way so they spent two nights with us and we drove together to Indiana. So we really enjoyed the extra time with them and the kids loved being able to travel with an "all girls" and "all boys" van. They are finally pregnant with their their child so I think that was one of the highlights of the week for Ryder and Rylee...getting to feel the baby move and all of that kind of stuff.
Today I am doing all the laundry from a week a way. This is day two of this journey. So, I'll write more later....
Friday, November 16, 2007
Our Week with Children's Miracle Network
Many of you know that our family is a part of the Children's Miracle Network family. This year Ryder and Rylee with a lot of help from my mom and dad raised almost $700 for CMN
as Change Bandits. They were acknowledged as second place fundraisers at the Change Bandit Bash. Here is a picture of our family with El Bandito the mascot for the Change Bandit Program.
Earlier this year Ryder was also asked to draw a picture to be in the CMN 2008 calander. We picked up copies of it today that you can purchase for $10. If you email me or call me I can mail them to you. Ryder's art marks November of 2008. He did a great job. Here he is posed with the framed art which was on auction today at St John's. 
This morning we were also on the teleathon for WBDR's radioathon for CMN. We are so glad to support the efforts at St John's and CMN. If you want to listen to Regan's Time on the telethon you can click on this link and listen. Just go to look for Regan's Story. They had a whip expert there and he whip a flower in half that was in Ryder's mouth and also another one on his head. I think this picture says it all. All the folks at St John's do so much to help our family. We are so glad to get the word out and raise some support for them. We praise God for how He provides help for us through them.
as Change Bandits. They were acknowledged as second place fundraisers at the Change Bandit Bash. Here is a picture of our family with El Bandito the mascot for the Change Bandit Program.
Earlier this year Ryder was also asked to draw a picture to be in the CMN 2008 calander. We picked up copies of it today that you can purchase for $10. If you email me or call me I can mail them to you. Ryder's art marks November of 2008. He did a great job. Here he is posed with the framed art which was on auction today at St John's. 
This morning we were also on the teleathon for WBDR's radioathon for CMN. We are so glad to support the efforts at St John's and CMN. If you want to listen to Regan's Time on the telethon you can click on this link and listen. Just go to look for Regan's Story. They had a whip expert there and he whip a flower in half that was in Ryder's mouth and also another one on his head. I think this picture says it all. All the folks at St John's do so much to help our family. We are so glad to get the word out and raise some support for them. We praise God for how He provides help for us through them.
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