How are YOU?

"How are you?" This is a questioned asked all over the place by lots of different people. I remember when Regan was alive people used to ask me "How's Regan?" I found it difficult to answer that question too. You know that what people really want to hear is "Fine!...just fine! Most people want to hear this because when we ask this question we really don't want to know because when we do we feel pain. Our culture avoids pain but we constantly want to feel guilty. Guilt is the emotion of our culture. So, people don't want to know how you are because they are going to feel guilt that they did not lose a child or that their children are not born with a disability. Guilty that their life is easier. I know because sometimes I feel guilty that I have a great husband, or a loving family, or great kids.....or that I live in America...that I know Jesus and other people don't. So you would think I would have experience at answering this question. I still don't know what to day...I feel like my response will fall short.

So back to my original thought. "How are you?" I usually say, "I am sad" or "I am doing" because I think most people think I set around and cry all day. This is not that case. Yet while I am "doing" I am always sad. I don't mind the sadness because right now it is a link to Regan. I am fine....but that is because God is good. Strangely enough one of Regan's great lesson's to me when she was living was that I am fine even when I am sad. I spend many sad days during her life on earth. It was hard to watch her struggle to breathe....to be awake....to live. She had some good days but she had a lot of really hard days to. A lot harder than I have ever known. Yet strangely when you looked in her eyes...she was fine. She knew the goodness of the Lord in a way I am only starting to understand. I goodness that is not about my situation but about my soul.

I don't set around and cry too much. Usually the tears hit while I am going. Like at Walmart when I don't get to buy diapers any more. Or when I pass by Memorial Home Care and I don't need any medical supplies...or when I run to the grocery and I don't need a handicap parking space anymore....or when Rylee and I are shopping for summer cloths and we aren't getting matching outfits for them for the first time...or when we sit and she isn't at the table when we pray and eat. I am fine...but I am sad....God is good so I am too but I am sad and that is good. I loved my little girl. I miss her terrible (Have I mentioned that?)
Rylee is with her teacher at her awards assembly this week. She received a "Citizenship" award, an award for being in the school paper, and also the "Homework" award for having all her homework in each day. This was no easy task since they both missed three weeks of school. Rylee is a very loving little lady. She feels God's compassion towards hurting people. She wants to help them because Jesus would do that. I love her and she reminds me God is good.
Ryder here with one of his best friends Hannah. They both were in the top 15 students in the 6th grade for their school. He also received student of the month for May and and a "service" award in his homeroom class. I am proud of him for his witness. Ryder loves Jesus and the people around him know it and experience it. Ryder knows God is good. This picture was taken on Memorial Day...isn't it beautiful. So many pretty flowers. My family is doing a great job caring for her little plot of ground. Still so fresh. My sister in law Tiffany said, "You should get to cry all you want if the ground is still broken from Regan's burial you can be too!" It is one of the best things anyone has ever said to me. I also love all the little people that go visit her regularly. You can see their little feet and bodies in this picture. It somehow seems right. This all helps me see God's goodness.

Remembering

A couple of days ago..Rylee was putting her shoes on for school. She was setting on the kitchen floor. Ryder was in the front living room reading. Brian was gone to work already. I was finishing up making lunches. She looked up at me and said, "Do you ever hear Regan?" I replied with a resounding "Of course!" "I think I hear her all the time and that is normal." She said, "Good because I thought maybe I might be going crazy." I continued to explain that when she was a baby I use to think I heard her cry but I would check on her and she was sleeping away. Your brains hold lots of information..they contain lots of memories. Our brains are powerful they remember even when we aren't thinking about it.

That night Ryder came out of his room about 9:45pm with big tears in his eyes. He said, "Mama I think I am forgetting how she smelled....I keep thinking about it but can't figure it out." I instructed him to go into Regan's room and open the closet and put his head in her cloths. I do it several times a day so I know it works. I told him not to do it for very long and to make sure to close it when he was done because we want to retain it for as long as we can. It is the only place that still smells like her. A few moments later he came back with a big smile on his face and said, "Your right and now I remember....good-night."

Brian said recently that in his remembering he had forgotten how hard many parts of Regan's life was. How for several years she didn't feel well. The last year was pretty easy for all of us compared to other years. He said remembering how hard it was helps him be glad for her now.

Yesterday I heard about the Steven Curtis Chapman family and how their little five year old girl died. I meet another lady last night in my community who just a few months ago lost her 17 year old daughter. I cried both times. I remembered the stinging pain of the realization that the person you love so much is gone from your life. Instantly I remember this pain. The pain of knowing you get no more opportunites to make new memories. You don't want to make new ones with her not in it. You get no more opportunities to say how much you love them. No new..... only remembering. Honestly the reality of heaven does not ease this pain.

I have so many good memories. I love to be with people who had memories of her. Yesterday Kate (7 yrs old) thought the sky looked like the day Regan died. She remembers that day. She and I agree that day still feels unreal. Our friend Noah (5yr) calls the funeral the "F word" and asks his family to call it that too... because he remembering the funeral makes him sad. He has no reference for the other f word......He does however say "cheers" for Regan's new life. He remembers where she is and doesn't want to remember the f-word. We have one picture of Regan after she died before the funeral home came to take her...it is of Ryder holding Regan...he says it is his favorite....He remembers the night she died. He wrote this about that night. "...surreal, it is horrible, it is quite honestly:hell. That one syllable can describe the tears, the pain and that empty place that can never be filled." He remembers that moment. God was so near...the pain was so deep.

God tells us who Know Him to remember. "Remember this fix it in mind, take it to heart, you rebels. Remember the former things, those of long ago; I am God and there is no other; I am God and there is none like me." (Isaiah 46:8-9) I remember in Job how his friends wanted Job to blame God and not remember. Job had his moments too yet he kept his integrity before God. I want to be this way...so I will remember what Jesus said, "You are blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule. You are blessed when you feel you have lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you." (Matthew 5 Message). Part of me died the moment Regan died. So I know now I am less.....I am open to more of him....ready for a deeper embrace. I remember that though I am often a rebel that there is No other like Him...He is God and I am not.

Mother's Day Muses

It's the first Mother's Day for me that I have no pictures of me with the ones who make me a mother. We just couldn't do it. One of my favorite pictures of myself is on the Mother's Day right before she was born (her birthday is a month away). I was huge but I loved being pregnant. I thought about it a couple of times. That we should take a picture. I took the camera with me to church, then to Panera to eat, into Lowe's, over to the Irwin's while we had supper....but I didn't have the courage to do it. I simply don't want to take a picture with just the four of us. It feels to sad. Way to empty. Regan's presence was always strong in family photos.

Family pictures have always been somewhat weird. We can't do cute little poses where everyone sits on the grass. We are always posed around a sweet little curly headed girl who sat in a a wheel chair. At first we tried to disguise it by putting a black blanket on the back. Sometimes we even took her out but the last four years or so we just wanted it like it is....Regan in her chair...it was Regan too is some strange way. Now it sets empty in her room. It really is great that she doesn't need it any more. It is powerful to think of. It is our hope. That one day we will have no limits to our expression of worship. No sin to hold up back, to physical pain to be concerned about, no bills worry about, no relationships that are too hard. Right now that empty chair is also our pain because we want her and she isn't in it.

We took a last family photo in the hospital. I couldn't even smile. I knew. We all knew. Shannon knew when we took it. Tears rolled down her checks while she took it. She wasn't in her chair. Her chair wasn't there. We left it at home because she and I rode in an ambulance. I was glad we didn't have to push it out of the hospital. OR even worse drive home with it empty in our van. It was one of God's tender mercies to us. It was waiting us on when we got home.
We have taken one picture without her. Her body was with us but she was gone. My sister Jennifer took this picture. Tears streaming down her sweet face too. She knew in a second we were going to close that "bed box" as I came to call it...and never lay our eyes on her sweet body again. Regan looks a lot like my sister. I love that. We loved that body. We loved on it it so much that before the viewing in Oklahoma they had to put more make up on her hands and face because we had rubbed it off with our strokes and kisses. I think Ryder more than anybody. Mother's Day will always be hard. I have cried every Mother's Day for years in anticipation of this one...the one without Regan. I didn't cry too much. I am really glad I have Ryder and Rylee. They bought me a really funny card. They are funny. Mostly Rylee is funny. I think she picked the card out. She also drew me a great card. I am glad that the four of us have each other to be in our next family photo with. I don't know when or where the photo might be. I can tell you this. It won't be around a hospital bed, or a bed box, or a wheel chair. Maybe we will pose on the grass...or on the beach...or on a mountain top. Places that we couldn't go with Regan but now in the garden place where Regan is she can experience.

Rear View Mirror

Today I had to adjust my rear view mirror. I was driving home from taking Rylee to school and I looked in the mirror only to see the ceiling of the van. Thursday we got the lift taken out of the van. Our van has always had Regan's lift in it. Regan doesn't need it anymore. We are glad for that. But the empty space in the van felt like our hearts...so we decided to get it taken out. Now it is just an ordinary van. It feels like a new van. No rattle, my view out the drivers side is clear, it now seats seven instead of five. I never used the rear view mirror to see out the back. I always used the rear view mirror to see Regan. She loved to ride in the van...I loved to watch her ride. Today after I dropped Rylee of I automatically looked to see her. She is not there. I wonder when will I stop expecting her to be there.

We keep saying the hardest part of life now is that all of you wants to go back but life keeps making you go forward. Rylee says she wants to go back to her mornings with Regan. Brian wants to kiss her before work like he did every day. Ryder just misses her company while he reads. I miss her all day...yesterday I mowed the lawn by myself. Normally she watches me from the front porch or the back deck. It made me cry. I loved life with Regan. I miss talking things through with her. I miss reading her your blog comments. That is the life I want. I know it is good for her now but our hearts are sad because when we ride in our van she is not there.

When Regan was alive our family talked a lot about "the Forward life" it was one of our battle cries. It was the truth that a life in Christ is anchored forward. It is not a life anchored in the past. Many people anchor their lives in past hurt, pain, lose, experience, victory, happiness...but God has called His people to anchor our lives forward. This forward life finds stability not in he present or in the past but but in our future hope. That forward life brought us hope because we knew Regan would only suffer here on earth but that there would be an end to the pain. We knew that pain would be nothing compared to the future glory in Christ and that it would be like no time at all compared to eternity with Him. Now that forward life is our battle cry for our pain and suffering. That this pain that we will always feel because she is gone will one day be wiped away. We know this pain will be nothing compared to the future glory in Christ and that it will be like no time at all compared to eternity with Him. So we find stability in the future hope not in the past but this is work because in the past is where Regan is.

You see we know that one day we will see her again but the Regan we knew is not the Regan that IS now. What we knew of her is only a sliver of who she is now. That is great for her but we are still slivers ourselves and we really liked the sliver of who she was. A friend of ours drew a picture of Regan running to Jesus. We love it because with all our hearts we want to see her face. All we can see is this picture is her long curly hair bouncing and her strong legs running. But you see Regan isn't running to us. She isn't interested in us anymore because she knows Jesus. She sees his glory and the pain is nothing, the time on earth with us mean less because she is WITH CHRIST in the fullest sense of that phrase. This picture is painful to look at because we want to see her face..we want her to turn around and see the four of us standing here and run back, or wave, or blow us a kiss, or tell Jesus to let us come too. She however is memorized with Jesus. We are just a sliver. We know when we see Jesus we will feel the same way about her. We aren't frustrated with her about this fact. We just have to live with it but as little slivers of who we will be it is painful. In the words of our sweet Rylee last Sunday after church..."Heaven is not a family reunion!" She continued on to say, "When I die I want to see Jesus!"

So the pain we feel is that we want to move forward looking back in the rear view mirror. We really want to look in it all the time. Driving forward often feels empty because the life we desire is back there. But that is not safe for us or those driving around us. Most of all it isn't what faith in Christ looks like. We are called to remember but not with a longing to go back...we are called to remember because it encourages us to anchor forward knowing the future hope is better than what was back there...even if it was Regan

Quick Update

We are back in Lincoln. Life seems to be at full speed. We are not. Yet it seems we have to keep up with a life that wants to move on but hearts that want to stay planted in the past. We have attending American Girl Fashion Shows, Hosted a Baby Shower, Went to church, gone out to eat, sat with a friend after surgery, be excited by the birth of Regan's friend Julie's baby, gone to track meets, gone to work, taught bible study and even more I am sure....this only in four days of being home.

So, we are moving on but life is so much different. It is quieter. We are quieter. I am quieter. I keep listening for her, thinking I hear her...Rylee said, "I just want to go back." Me too Rylee. Unfortunately in life we do not move backwards we move forward. This however makes this pain of loss even deeper. Many people have told us that they are happy they are that we will not have to take care of her..that we will have freedom. Funny thing is it feels like bondage not to take care of her. Raising Regan was one of the greatest blessings of my life. God set eternity in our hearts..so I would have done that forever.

I know many of you are praying for us. I have had many people ask or email me about the blog. Wondering if I would keep going. Yes, I will. I write on this thing because it frames my thoughts. I am sorry in advance for the thought I know I will have. I am trusting God for sufficient grace for myself and for you. Everyone who has lost a child says the most difficult days lie ahead.

Memorials and Memories

We're grateful for so many who have shared this journey with us. And we're prayerful that we'll continue on the journey together.

We are accepting donations to Lincoln Christian College and Seminary for a scholarship in Regan's honor. If you would like to make a memorial gift please send a check made out to the school to: 100 Campus View Dr., Lincoln, IL 62656.

We feel a certain sense of loss, to be sure. But we are among the wealthiest of families because of what we gained from Regan's every day. Her passing leaves a hole in our lives. But we're seeing that the hole is filled by the graces from God that we already had deeply buried in our hearts: precious memories, powerful lessons, real transformation and good friends. We count you among our many blessings.

God really is close to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34.18). His Word brings us stability. His Spirit brings us comfort. And His Body brings us help. Please don't feel sorry for us.....jealousy may be more appropriate. We are abundantly blessed.

See what I mean in the following video. Some students made it for the funeral service. Thank you Sherif, Ryan and Jiryis. It is a gift we'll treasure for the rest of our lives. We want to share it w/ you...

-Brian

Some thoughts

Because God gave us the advantage of knowing in advance that Regan would not live a long life on earth I have considered her death, funeral and burial many times. I pictured what it would be like to sit in the chapel and praise Jesus through my pain. I have done it there many times. Sometimes Regan was with me...sometimes not but I've known for years we would have her funeral there. I always prayed that all five of us would be together when Regan passed. I wanted us to have that memory of her. I wanted the four of us to have each other. We really love each other we we help each other in ways other people can't. Outside of giving birth to my children it was the most beautiful moment of my life. I wouldn't change even one things. The funeral was perfect too. She loved LCC. She loved to listen to her daddy preach in those walls....she loved to listen to many godly men speak truth. It is a room where God has ministered to us so many times. He did it again.

Yesterday we rode in a limousine behind Regan while she rode in the hearse (sp?). We drove out to the hill where Regan is laid. I am so happy she lays with red dirt around her. It is the same dirt I played in. The man who dug her grave is also one of my best childhood friends' dad. He was emotional with me. I knew her body was in good hands. Her casket looked say to small. The sun was so bright. In Regan's old life she would of had a tough time being there. But yesterday she was the one with no issues at all. We were surrounded by our family, people I grew up with and people that started Regan's journey with us in Dallas. What a full circle moment. God has been with us because He is always near the brokenhearted. No parent should ever have to do that.

Last night I sat out on my parents front porch and yard. Brian was out with his friend but so I spent some time with my family. My brothers made me laugh until I cried. The kids played in the sprinkler. Ryder with the help of two cousins made a memorial spot out by the fort. It is really great! Terran, my 4 year old niece said, "It's cuz we just miss her." Me too Terran me too.

We slept with the widows down in the house. Since early this morning I've been laying in bed listening to the birds sing. Wondering what type of birds she gets to hear in Paradise. The birds made me smile and cry. I heart breaks with the distance of time between now and when I will see Regan again. I am over whelmed with the brilliance of God's design that I would ever get to. I cling to this hope...cuz I just miss her.

Power of Presence.

Regan never spoke. She really didn't make much noise at all. She sat...silent.

Our house if full of noise. People coming in. People dropping things off...lots of tears dropping.
Children playing tag. Dishwasher running. Washer and Dryer. Lots of showers this morning. Ryder playing his video game. Rylee dancing and playing with her cell phone (old phone of ours).

Yet it is so quiet. I feel lonely. My hear and hands need something to do. How is that someone who made such little noise leave such a deep silence. I think she keeps teaching me the power of presence. It was a greatest lesson to me. The power that "being" gives the world. I always want to say something. I want to Do something. Regan taught me that is okay to just BE.

I miss her.

Plans for Celebration and Mourning

Between home visits, phone calls, texts, emails, tears, laughs and blank stares into tomorrow we have scheduled a few plans for this weekend.

Friday, 5-7pm, Visitation at Holland-Barry & Bennett Funeral Home in Lincoln

Saturday, 3:30pm, Funeral Service at the Hargrove Chapel, Lincoln Christian College & Seminary with dinner following at Lincoln Christian Church, Lincoln

We have a great Texas, Kansas and Oklahoma heritage. Since many of our closest family and friends may not be able to travel to Lincoln, IL, we have planned an opportunity for you to join us in Clinton, OK:

Monday, 2pm, Visitation at Kiesau-Lee Funeral Home in Clinton, OK followed by 3pm Graveside Service at the Clinton Cemetary and Reception at First Christian Church, Clinton.

Thank you for loving us...and for making sure that Regan will not be forgotten. We know that your hearts break with ours.

A New Journey

This is Chantell.......

At 11:28pm Wednesday April 16th Regan Faith Mills' faith was made sight. While in bed with her Big brother Ryder and Big sister Rylee with Brian and I right at her side and feet surrounded by a crowd of nurses, doctors, her Nana and Papa along with Shannon and Rob Maupin. With no struggle or medication assistance Regan took her last breath and let go of her body and was made New.......

God answered many prayers in the moment. He gave us a year of bonus time with her none of which was spent in the hospital and very few doctors appointments. He made sure that all of us were there. It was peaceful. We got three hours afterwards to hold her over and over, give her a bath, hear God's Word read by Rob, confess loudly our pain and joyfully express what Regan left behind.

We are happy for her. We are full of sorrow for ourselves. We know God is going to give us the grace to get through this but it will be another miracle to experience. We are helpless on our own. A new journey that is unfamiliar is beginning. The Mills' are great at working hard but we are terrible at letting it go.

Thank you seems little but it is what we have. Please continue to pray. More later.....

Struggle and Peace

Last night was pretty rough for Regan and for Chantell, so I'll do the update this morning...


When I arrived at the hospital this morning with the kids, Chantell explained that Regan can't talk with her words, but she has other ways to tell us how she feels. Her body communicates what her voice cannot. And she's telling us that she's very tired.


Last year we told her that we would run with her as long and fast as she wanted to run. Right now she seems to be saying that she's tired of running.


Last year she seemed to be fighting. Right now she seems to be at peace.


We never know what Regan is going to do. She's the Queen of Surprises and Rallies. Usually, she's just a mystery girl. But too often we don't listen very well to what she tells us. Our activity, emotion and selfish ambition get in the way. But if we're hearing her clearly today it seems like she's ready for Rest. I wonder if we are ready to let her rest. It's ironic that rest could be so near our tired family and be so unwelcome. But we'll try....another irony....we'll try to let her rest. And we'll struggle to be at peace.


We'll also try to keep you posted. We're a little sensitive to pulling you along a roller coaster ride. But, we're grateful for your care, support and prayer.

Terrible Tuesday

Just a quick update to let everyone knows that Regan was admitted into St John's today. She has pneumonia in all four quads of her lungs. Brian and I have been trying to the best of our ability to get her better but Regan continued to get worse. Regan's Primary Care Doctor actually came to our house this morning to see her and we felt it might be better for her to be admitted.
So she and I rode by ambulance to Springfield. Regan seemed to enjoy the ride. We were greeted by Jen, Amy and Buffy who are some of our favorite women who work on the 5th floor here. We also have one of our very favorite nurses Claire who we actually spent a Thanksgiving with a few years ago. She also used to work in Radiology and was Rylee's buddy from there.
She got Regan's IV in on the first try....PRAISE GOD! I do not think that has ever happened.


Regan is doing better since we arrived. Her respiratory rate was 90 when we arrived and is already at 54. She likes this place. We are under the care of Dr Lower. We love her. She knows Regan well and is diligent in Regan's care.

Today I am reminded that God is the source of all things good......I keep thinking....
"Come thou fount of every blessing, tune my heart to sing your praise, streams of mercy never ceasing calls for songs of loudest praise."

I'll update more later.....probably on Wednesday.

Monday Morning Miracle

After I updated on the progress yesterday Regan took a few steps back. So please continue to pray for her. We are continuing with breathing treatments every two hours 24 hours a day. Please pray specifically for her body to fight without having such a difficult time with the fever. We know fever works for us but this is a lot of work.

I am reminded today of the Lepers in Luke 17 who cried out with a LOUD voice..."Jesus, Master, have pity on us!" I cry out the same way. Last night sometime after midnight and before four as I struggled to rest while laying on Regan's bedroom floor (I am really too old to sleep on the floor) BUT as I laid there I was reminded of the importance of faith. My mind was going through the check list and I thought,"Am I doing all I can for her" and "I want to do more to help her...what can I do." I ended up at nothing. I am doing all I can. So that left me that that all too familiar place as I felt the Spirit remind me that now faith and prayer would be my nights work. In these moments I have no words....so I began to sing hymns...like Come thou Fount, Be thou my Vision, This is my Father's World, In Christ Alone, How Great is our God, It is Well... I pray these songs because they increase my faith, the remind me of truth, they are full of good theology. Eventually I find myself at peace...not total peace but I found some peace as I trust in HIS ability because I can not trust my own. I trust in HIS help because my help is full of holes. I found my self experiencing a what faith feels like and that is a miracle.

Garrett Maupin prayed last night that we would feel rested today even without a lot of sleep. He also told his mom, Shannon, how glad he was that Regan has lived so long because if she had not he would not have known her (he has only known her the past year and a half) and he said, "I am really glad I know her." Me too Garrett, today I am praising God for all that God teaches me because she is in my life. Thanks for your prayers.

Sunday's Update

Regan seems much better today. Her fever is responding to motrin and her breathing seems less labored. She is coughing some. So we are trying to suction up what we can. The coughs aren't as productive as we would like. But all in all she is much better than Friday and some better than yesterday.

Please continue to pray for her. She doesn't like all the suction and neither to we.....Brian stayed home with her this morning while I took the big kids to church. Brian is preaching tonight so I will stay home with her while he goes. Rylee's friend Kate is over playing this afternoon. Ryder is playing at his buddy Garrett's house. My heart feels lighter as her breathing is easier. We continue breathing treatments every two hours....I'll let you know more on Monday. Thanks for always praying...always encouraging...always remembering....

Running a Race

Just wanted to write a quick update. Regan is having breathing issues again. We are back to breathing treatments every two hours round the clock. This has only been going on a few days. She is currently on an antibiotic but is battling a difficult fever. It reached 104.8 last night and does not respond completely to treatment. Currently she is resting well and looks better than yesterday. It is amazing how good a fever of 101 looks next to 105.

Regan's life teaches me so many metaphors for life. I feel like God uses her to say..."Let me show you what I mean." When I watch her lay in bed "resting" but yet she is so "out of breath". Her chest is racing like she is running a race.I think about Paul writing about running in this race of life. I told Regan yesterday that I knew she was fighting so hard..that I was proud of her..I re-promised her that I would try my hardest too. Would you please pray for her. We have always promised her we would run with her as long as she wants to run. I know many of you have made that commitment too. We can not run this race on our own. The Spirit must continue to strength us or I know we will all run out of breathe. So pray for her strength...for each breathe to be full...I'll try to update on Sunday or Monday.

1 Corinthians 9 reminds us
"You've all been to the stadium and seen the athletes race. Everyone runs; one wins. Run to win. All good athletes train hard. They do it for a gold medal that tarnishes and fades. You're after one that's gold eternally. I don't know about you, but I'm running hard for the finish line. I'm giving it everything I've got. No sloppy living for me! I'm staying alert and in top condition. I'm not going to get caught napping, telling everyone else all about it and then missing out myself."

Me and My Cube

On my desk is a picture cube. If you were born in the 70's or before you know what I am talking about. I think every home had one. You can slide those great 3X3 pictures in each of the six sides of the hollow cube. It is one of the things that I have from my childhood. It comforts me to have it close. One of the sides is busted off. It doesn't do much and it serves no practical purpose except for the check book register and old cell phone that have found a home there until I figure out what to do with them. Mostly it is just there to remind me....

There are pictures on each side. There is a picture of me and my paternal Grandma at my first birthday. A picture of me and my Aunt Kathy, another of me and my Aunt Jo with her boys, another great one of me and my cousin Darren, and one of me and my cousin with my Dad. I don't remember any of these pictures being taken. I doubt anyone else remembers either (except maybe my mom because mom's just remember things like that). I keep this cube here where I spend some part of very day...straight in my line of sight...so I can be reminded.

My favorite picture in the cube is one is of my mom and dad and me. I was no more than a month old. I know this because the time stamp on the white trim of the photo says Mar 73.
My mom is in a cool polyester suit with the a cute pixie cut. My daddy is holding me. He has a pen in his pocket. When I was little I remember he always had a pen in his shirt pocket. (Funny because Brian always has a pen in his pants pocket). My dad looks proud. My mom is smiling mostly because she is relieved to no longer be pregnant I am sure. We are posed in that awkward pose with a newborn that can't hold it's head up. I have a theory that my Aunt Jo took it. She is always getting us to take pictures. She is the family historian. The pictures to the left is her with Regan this Christmas..she said "Here take a picture of me and Regan." The the pictures in my cube we are at at my Grandma's house. I have lots of memories in that house. It smelled musty and had itchy furniture but she made great macaroni and I loved playing rock star in front of her window AC (this taught me that blowing air is glamorous) . Unfortunately I don't have any memories of this day but I have a cube.

These pictures in this cube remind me that time flies, that I was once somebodies little baby...so innocent, so sweet...all I have to do was be and I made them proud. It reminds me that I am still connected to them even when I don't see them all the time. We have history and history means something. I am not innocent and sometimes I am sweet but I still make him proud.

This cube reminds me that one time my family was small. Just me, my mom and my dad. Now that little family of three has grown to 18 people. My parents did a good job raising me and my siblings. They weren't perfect but they did good. Someday my kids will be married and have kids. I want to make sure I am doing all I can to make a good impact...one that reflects Jesus and what he values. I pray for that grace will be abounding and love will grow. I look forward to watching my kids fall in love and have children but it makes me want to be present in today...times goes fast. I know if I am faithful with little God will give me much.

This cube reminds me of a time when my Grandma is holding me and knowing me. She and I had a special relationship. She would say, "I love you kid..be good" or "Done good kid." Things are different now when I hug her and she doesn't know me. Now she says, "I know I should know you kid." I agree with her...we laugh...and we talk about when her mom might come to visit her (my grandmother is in her late eighties so this is very funny conversation.) It doesn't matter if she knows me because I know her and I know that she loves me in her heart but her brain is stuck in another time. This picture reminds me take advantage of each moment so the ones I love won't have to wonder how I felt.

A year later.....

One year ago today we thought would be Regan's last day in her earthy body and her first day in life everlasting...a day she would be made new...the day we would let go and she would see Jesus. We thought it would be Regan's first day to walk, talk, raise her hands, confess with her mouth Jesus as Lord, hug, and sing a New song. We spent a few hours trying to figure out as a family we would walk out of St John's without Regan. We cried about how hard it would be to walk up Regan's ramps at our house without her. How we would drive her van home with an empty wheel chair in it...we were excited that Regan wouldn't need it anymore BUT we all cried because we agreed we all really LOVE taking care of her. I remember Rylee was in the bed with Regan and with tears falling down her face she said "I just don't want to let go". Brian rubbed her leg and told her he didn't want to either. She was wrapped in one of Regan's blankets from home. Regan basically has slept every night of the last 5 years under one these two blankets (both of them are in this picture). Brian was setting on the edge of the bed. Ryder and I were at the end. We had gathered around her for our good-bye to her. It was the hardest day of my life so far...I am sure there is a day somewhere in the future that will be harder. I remember feeling so frustrated that we had to go through this...yet so at peace with God's timing and will.

Many of you remember all of this because you were with us...reading along....praying to Jesus..preparing your own children. Crying tears all over the world. Nurses and Doctors filed through as new spread. Interestingly, Brian and I were at St John's last night, we volunteer there once a month, and I was chatting with a couple of nurses and we were talking about last year...about how hard it was for them. How unique that whole time was for everybody.

I remember going into the bathroom that was in our room and calling my sister because I couldn't figure out how to call my mom. I felt so bad asking her to do it ...to make the call I had no words for...my sister and I cried on the phone. We've cried lots of times together because we are sisters but this time we basically said three sentences..I told her it was happening. She said she was sorry and I said me too....the pain was the worse I have ever felt..it took my breath away.

Too many emotions to make sense of anything. Only tears and cries loud and soft for God's help to please deliver us from all of this. We prayed prayers of thankfulness for our grand opportunity to care and love Miss Regan Mills. We mostly tried to remember that God is a good Father...and that we trust HIM all the way.

Then all of a sudden as we are taking turns holding her...God began to take our breathe away for a whole new reason. I think God heard Rylee's prayer. To this day the doctors there call it a miracle. When we see them around the hospital they ask how she is and we say "good" they shake there head. We laugh. I took this picture of Regan on Easter while we were in KC. I makes me happy. It is amazing that a girl with only hours to live as lived an entire 365! And none of them where in the hospital.
This morning Brian and I along with Ryder and Rylee gathered around Regan in her bed again. Like last year we prayed a prayer telling God how thankful we are for our sweet Regan...how we consider it one of life's greatest gifts that we and call her ours...that we know her so well and get to care for her. We confess how much we trust Him all the way. We said Amen. Then Rylee started singing "Happy Birthday to You, Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday dear Regan Happy resurrection Birthday to you."

We know Regan didn't die all the way but to us it feels like she is living a new life...I can't help but think of how the writer of Hebrews describes Jesus...and I make that my prayer for us today.....that the same could be said of us...Brian, Chantell, Ryder, Rylee and Regan Faith but also you too!

"While Jesus was here on earth, He offered prayers and pleadings, with a loud cry and tears, to the ONE who could deliver Him out of death. And God heard His prayers because of His reverence for God. So even though Jesus was God's Son, He learned obedience from the things He suffered." Hebrews 5:7-8

Let that be so of us....let that be so!

Easter Update

We spent Easter with the "other Mills Family" in KC. Brian's brother Paul and his wife Tiffany and their three kids were our hosts. We went to Celebrate this year of HOPE we have experienced together. Mostly we love to be together to spend time Spurring eachother we celebrated JESUS and His life that goes on and on. We also celebrated what God has done amazing things through Regan's life but also he sent us Liam.YES we are IN LOVE with this little guy. Oh, he makes us remember that God can do things we thought would never happen. God does BIG things sometimes...things like bring life back that we thought would end and bring brand new life when we thought that season of life was over. Being with Liam and Regan on Easter blessed me because I hear God when I see them.
We couldn't get enough. Look at HIM....wouldn't you want to kiss him, hold him, change him, simply look at him...what a great boy. The kids also got to feed baby cows at Tiffany's parent's house. They hosted us for Easter. It was a great time. Like I said...nothing like an Easter where you celebrate new life.....even the life of a cow.

Wisdom is Perennial

My friend Amy talked about her plants coming up in her hard. It made me look and low and behold there were mine. I think this is funny because you can see the dog poop right beside pretty green steams that will soon have blooms for color. This makes me have hope that new life can come even right beside the dog poop in my life even when it is cloudy and cold and it feels like winter will never be over.

Mostly this reminds me of something that I heard a while ago that has recently sprung up in my mind. Wisdom is Perennial. Wisdom takes root underground and springs up when you need it. It comes back year after year, even though you can forget about it in the winter times in life. Usually wisdom brings hope of new life. So it is important to gain wisdom...it is beneficial for so many things. I am thankful for the wise people in my life who feed me wisdom...wither it is through the Word of God, various books, watching great wise people live, personal mentoring, or relationships...or other means...I appreciate them. I am glad they plant seeds in the sometimes not so wonderful soil of my heart. You can trust that Wisdom is Perennial and you will someday see the fruit of it in my life. Some of it might take a little longer than others.

I am in a season of tending to some rocks and paths and thorny bushes that have developed my by heart. Making it more possible for hope to spring forth. For life to come from this winter going on in my soul. My little flowers are giving me hope that if it could happen in my back hard maybe it could happen in my heart too.

Regan is doing great. She and I are having a great week. Thanks for praying for us.

Being a First Grader

Regan was born on the first day of summer. We actually considered giving her the middle name Summer but went with Faith instead...good decision on our part. So I am never sure what grade Regan would be in if she went to "regular" school. Ryder is a summer baby too and went sent him early and he has done great so I always figure we would have done the same with her. So, when I think about what grade Regan is in I think first.
The first couple of years of Regan's life it was hard for me to be around other kids that were her age because it made me sad. God and I had many talks about why all these things were wrong with Regan. I had my eyes focused on her. Then one day I held a baby. I think it might have been Morah Gowin, Morah was only a few weeks old but her muscles were stronger than Regan's were even though Regan was probably three at the time. I realized how amazing God made childhood development it and how most of the time it goes just fine yet there are so many little things that could go wrong that don't. God really knew what HE was doing when He made us. So I started working in the Toddler room at our church. Every month I spend time with little Toddlers who call Regan "baby" and I say "No she is six...she is a big girl." They don't understand (because they are two) and they say "Good baby"and pat her on her knee. They are right. So I agree with them she is a good baby and we move on.
I got the wonderful gift on Wednesday night to be the first grade sub for our programing at our church. I got to help first graders memorize a verse of the bible and then played games with them to help them get it even better. Our story was about Jesus' story of the farmer and the seeds. We played games like plant freeze tag, memory, and even a game with balls and hula hoops. They are a funny group. Three of the kids, Kate, Brandon and Eli belong to three of my good friends; Shannon, Marci and Jennifer. So, I am with them frequently and I know and already love them deeply....Kate and I did the happy dance when we realized we would be together. Brandon put his head on my shoulder during worship. Eli sat by me during class. We had a great time. I helped them sound out the words they don't know yet. They are still learning frequently used words and don't fully understand phonics yet. I don't understand phonics yet either so we share this in common. We repeated phrases over and over together so they could get them to go deep into their mind. We reviewed things like who is the farmer in this story...Jesus is the farmer....what is the seed....God's Word is the seed....what is the dirt..our hearts are the dirt....what are the weeds....distractions are the weeds. They even knew deep theological things like why did farmer throw His seeds everywhere? "Because He wants His Word to go EVERYWHERE!" A great time with great Jesus loving people. I'm glad I'll know them all their life. I look forward to their weddings someday.
That night I had a difficult time sleeping because all I could think about was how I wish I was Regan's sub that night. I wish she and I could share the memory of the night I subbed for her class at church and we played freeze tag, how I helped everybody sound out their word for memory, how we threw balls into hula hoops, ...I want to say to her...."Regan who is the Farmer?" and her to say to me "Jesus is the Farmer Mama....come on everybody knows that!" I want to say..."Regan's turn to throw the ball." I want to know that she knows that Jesus wants His Word to go EVERYWHERE! I know that if she were "normal" these would be some of her BFF's. I know that she and Kate would be frustrating Rylee because they were leaving her out. Currently when Brandon comes over to play he wants to play with Ryder. Ryder and Hannah (Brandon's big sister) are close friends...they play with Brandon but....really want their own time. If Regan were normal Regan and Brandon would be playing video games together or playing cars. Eli always wants Regan to spend the night with him when Ryder and Rylee get to spend the night with Ethan and Ashton (his brother and sister). Eli is special too and he sees Regan more normal than most. He asks expecting that this should happen. Regan should get to spend the night. Jennifer and I wish they could send the night...(they are little still so this would be okay.....) All of these little guys love Regan and are very sweet to her and consider Regan their friend but Regan is a good baby....not a playmate.
So I decided for a few days I am just going to let the tears flow. Jesus said one time when He was throwing some seeds around that "Blessed are those who mourn...for they will laugh later." I know is was talking about mourning your sin...but I am mourning the effects of Sin so I think it does apply. Everyday I see what sin does to Regan's body and I remember what it is doing to the world around us...It motivates me to do the work of pulling out the weeds and rock that get in the way of being like Jesus.
I get mournful sometimes because I want to look forward to her wedding someday too. Instead, I get to look forward to FULL Redemption of the earth. Now that picture makes me laugh. Me and Regan trying to hula hoop...me with my new hips and Regan with her's...or maybe even better we will all be like Regan with NO HIPS AT ALL!