Christmas Memory

Christmas is here. We are back from skiing and now we are nestled down for a few days before our southward migration. We have successfully brought Brian to the age of 37...fun! We have a restful few days in mind. This afternoon I am missing our little girl. So I remember that He came once. He will come again. Then this space between us will be gone. Until then we wait....we say "Come Lord Jesus Come."

Because You Told Me

I am currently teaching 3, 4, 5th Learning Disabled at an Elementary School here in Lincoln. Their teacher is having a baby so I am teaching while she takes care of her little one. I have been there a few weeks and will be there until Christmas. They are an awesome class. Last week I wrote all my students a note. I praised them for their strengths and told each one of them the particular blessing they bring to me. They beamed of course because who doesn't like to get a note...this is a side note but people should send more hand written mail....anyway one girl said, "I am good at math, I know because you told me so." Now the reality is she is good at math I was just reminding her of the reality that is already her truth. But this little interaction is has been challenging me to think rightly about myself. To remember who I am because He has told me so. Sometimes I forget or get distracted. But the reality is He has told me who I am...forgiven, able, full of the Spirit, redeemed, promised, blessed, adopted, chosen, I have a future, He is for me, have hope, He is active in me, righteous, holy, helpful, equipped, useful, good, understood, in a family, alive.....sometimes I forget. His Word reminds me that He is faithful to complete what He has started. I know who I am because He tells me so. This is why I go to school...to get schooled. Way to go public school!

A Rylee Lesson

I am sure that I have written about my love for Hebrews many times. But I have to say it again..."I love Hebrews!" It keeps me going. It reminds me of so many important things that keep me on the right path towards Jesus. It keeps me strengthened when I am tired.

I keep a few things that are important to me in my bible. I keep a couple pictures of Regan that I love. They remind me that God did a good work in her life. He blessed me through her in so many ways. He continues to teach us through our memories of our past with her and the thoughts of her current reality which is very different from my own (Amen!) I also keep a picture of my grandmother and Brian that was taken the day of my brother Wade's wedding. It was a great day....I have many wonderful memories and one of them was taking that picture of them. I also keep two poems that Rylee wrote and gave to me. Rylee(like her mother) is a terrible speller but the heart of these poems teach me something each time I read them. They remind me....

"No disciple seems enjoyable at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it yields a the fruit of peace and righteousness to those who have been trained by it." Heb 12:11

I'm Still Happy by Rylee Mills
to: The sweetest girl Regan

My sister died but out of misery and I'm still happy.
My sister was sick and happy so I'm still happy.
My sister had seizures and was happy so I'm still happy.
My sister hurt but still smiled so I'm still happy.
She was lonely but was happy so I'm still happy.
My sister could not speak her mind and smiled so I'm still happy.


I Miss You so Much by Rylee Mills
to: My sister Regan

Sister in heaven I miss you so much and I love you so much.
Now you can run and walk but you are missed so much. I miss talking to you and playing with you so I say it again, I miss you so much. You were my everything. You were my best friend and little sister. So, I say, I miss you to much!

When I read these (which I do almost daily) they remind me that God is at work through this pain. That He has brought peace to Rylee through a painful situation. So He can bring peace to me too. "

Therefore strengthen your tired hands and weakened knees and make straight path for your feet, so that what is lame may not be dislocated, but healed instead.

" Heb. 12:12 I know that God wants to heal but mostly he wants us to know HIM! I know to many people our family probably seems "lamed" or maybe sometimes just plain lame! We have been broken. I constantly make it my prayer that we not resist the Lord's work and so we have to endure greater injury or keep us from injuring others because of our pain. I pray this because of this warning not to risk further injury but be healed instead. This seems like a choice to me. Rylee seems to walk in that victory most days. She accepts God's goodness readily. These poems are not just talk they are her testimony. They are her honesty. May they strengthen you today through the power of the Holy Spirit.

Maturity

This morning I decided I needed to sort a section of my craft/game closet. This is also were I keep photos. So of course this sent me crying. These were photos from the last couple years or so. I put them in order and was filing them away. Crying all along. One of the things that is difficult is that my older to have changed from this...these were both taken the day of Regan's viewing here in Lincoln. (On a side note...we love our little joy baby Liam~! he is my nephew!)
To this...They grew up. Now they are not all the way grown up by any means but there physical changes are a refection of what her death has caused in their emotions and souls. In Harry Potter there are the animals that no one can see unless you have seen someone die. I think it is true that there is something that happens to you, that changes the way you see and experience the world when you are present at some one's death. We all grew up that day. My life is changed. I will never be the same nor to I want to be. Death is nothing like you think it will be....much more difficult than I ever imagined. Our relationship with each other changed...it grew deeper with each other because of this experience and our "getting on with it" afterwards...I am glad that God was with us...He wasn't asleep, He wasn't distracted, He wasn't preoccupied, He wasn't busy, He didn't have better things to do. He didn't need to be invited in..He just IS! He is the One maturing us into the likeness of His Son. Making us grow up and not be spiritual babies anymore. Praise God that HE WAS! He IS! and HE WILL BE!

So today I am thankful that physical changes aren't all that we have to count on. God promises us that He can do more than we imagine that HE can. I am trusting that He is making us more like our Big Brother Jesus everyday...in insight, depth of wisdom, understanding....this is what I desire....make us all more like You God!

Grief is Strange

Rylee is missing Regan and she doesn't even realize what she is doing. This week she has started wearing a bow in her hair everyday. These are all Regan's bows of course. She has also started using baby lotion. We always used Baby lotion on Regan. So it smells like "her" to us. This morning both her and Ryder are in the bathroom slathering it on! Both of these things are strange because they are teenagers. She also drew me the sweetest picture of what she called her "happy" picture. I am standing at the door when an apron on and she and Regan are playing under our tree. In this picture Regan is in her chair and Rylee has a jump rope in her hand. It made me cry. All of this does actually because I find these bows everywhere, so I am constantly putting them back in Regan's closet. This was not uncommon when Regan was alive but a bit strange now. This along with smelling Regan everywhere because my other kids now smell like her is causing my brain to be confused! To top it all off last week I found one of Regan's socks in our clean laundry. I am standing at the table folding a load of laundry before school and low and behold there is a Regan sock in there. Dryers eat socks and sometimes spit them back out I guess.

I just keep leaning in and keep trying to navigate through these strange waters of grief.

Top Dogs 09

Today Ryder started 8th grade. Rylee started 5th. These are both the highest grades there schools go to. I am excited to see them grow as leaders this year. Brian and I took them to school but first we went to McDonald's for breakfast. This is not the breakfast of champions but it was cheep.

Rylee has the same teacher that Ryder had Mr Lanning. So they are looking forward to a rocking year!

This is our last year to have a student in elementary school. So this makes me tear up a little. Not as bad as I used to....I still cry for those kindergarten mom. I remember how sad that was for me. I anticipate next year to be a tough year. I will have one in Junior High and one in High School.

Tangled UP!

For the past two summers I have grown a flower in the same spot on my back deck. This year the Zinna's wouldn't grow there. So, I planted this in it's spot to celebrate Regan's birth day. Regan's grave marker is sits below it. I spend some time there most days. I love my back yard garden. I love to set beside this plant in the grass. It is my bit or paradise. I lay with my face to the sky. I watch the clouds. I listen to the birds sing. My tears water the grass below me. I miss my baby. I wish eternity didn't seem so far away. This lovely flower reminds me of her because she was lovely. It had tangled vines. You can't unwind them because they are tangled so closely. It is tangled so closely that you can't tell where one vine starts and the other one ends. Regan is tangled in our lives the same way. We can't get her unraveled from our lives. She is wound tight into our lives! I like it this way. However this makes my life more difficult. Everything reminds me of her.

Today I am going to babysit my friend's little girl Faith. She has autism. She also has the same therapist as Regan had. All tangled up!

Yesterday I was crying because I miss her. I was moving some dirt. So I was singing some "I miss you songs" while listening to my ipod. I was standing in the back of a trailer sweat streaming down my neck and tears down my checks. My neighbor heard me singing. She thought it was great. I thought it felt like a relief. Just like Brian, Ryder and I driving through the cemetery last night for half an hour. Ryder said, "I think people might think we are weird." All tangled up!

Sunday Brian and I rode in the elevator at church. I hadn't done that since she died. All tangled up.

Saturday I found new pictures of Regan had hadn't seen. They were on Rylee's camera. We enjoy looking at her in new ways. All tangled up!

Friday I saw one of Regan's little friend Kayla wheeling around in her back yard playing with her friends. She has an electric wheelchair. I wish Regan could play with her. I wanted to watch for a while but I think that is stocking. All tangled up!

You see I probably make people nuts because I can't stop thinking about her. I can't stop thinking about her. I guess she is just all tangled up.

Often times I think about the power of a question. My dad first asked my mom on a date after buying a 5cent comb from her (she worked as a soda jerk at a drug store). I wouldn't be here if she wouldn't have answered yes to that question.

One of the most important questions we ever answer is..."Do you believe that Jesus is the Christ Son of the Living God."

I have several college girls and some high school girls who have made there way through my home. Our relationship started with me asking me to be in my small group. They challenge me. They make me strive to be all I can be. I know they are watching me. I want to be a good model.

Some friendships are sparked by "Would you like to come over for dinner?" Maybe "Would you like to go out for a coke?" I have great relationships that started this way.Jesus walked around asking questions all the time. He even answered questions that were given to Him by asking another question.

I have been forgiven of a lot. "Will you forgive me?" Such a hard thing to ask. Such a hard thing to answer. Can I really forgive that.....?....them?.....myself...? especially when I keep doing what I ask forgiveness for.

This summer I have been thinking about how much my life changed because a young man asked me to marry him. Our son just turned 13.....He never would have done that if his dad had not asked, "Chantell, will you marry me?" Everyday I chose to love that guy. Man I am glad he asked.

Some questions change your life....some for the better....some not. I keep thinking..."Will you take up your cross daily and follow me?" Man now that is a hard question. It is the most difficult. I am pretty good at picking it up every other day but sometimes I just need a day off. But no...."today will you pick it up?"


Questions??????

The week my Granny was dying she asked me if I could see it. "See what?" I asked her. Now this happened several times. Some of you may not remember this by my Granny didn't know who I was for several years before she died. She did have some clarity the days before her passing but otherwise she hadn't known me in years. I would tell her who I was. She was always loving towards me. I think her soul knew she loved me....her mind just couldn't remember why. So when you are in this state you don't act politically correct. In her latter years she thought her doll was a real baby. She would sing to it the same lullaby she sang to me when I was a baby. She same song she sang to Ryder and Rylee when they were babies. She would ask children for their candy. She would think marbles were candy! She would say rude things sometimes. Nothing like her normal self but a sort of untamed one. I sometimes wish I had this courage. So, I tell you all this so you can know that she didn't feel the need to say things just to make anyone feel better. She just said what she thought was truth.

The week that she died she asked me if I could see him. "See who?" I asked her. She said, "Jesus and he has brought the children." I couldn't see him. I wish I could. She could. She put her hands out towards him...she would point to the children all around the bed. I whispered for her to "Go!' Even though my heart wanted her to stay. I was jealous that I couldn't see what she could see. I wanted to. Isn't it amazing that though she never saw Jesus with her eyes it was He that she knew...not us the ones she lived with but the ONE who knew her...Jesus.

My faith and hope aren't always high. My unbelief sometimes overwhelms my faith. This frustrates me because I want my belief to be firm. Sometimes the tide of grief over takes the ground that my feet are standing on. This week is one of those weeks. So I remember that in the end when I am ready to drop this earthy tent it will be Jesus that I see. The ONE who really knows me. Maybe I will get to see him a few days before. Maybe He will bring the children too. Maybe I will smile like Granny smiled when she saw Him. It is Jesus that makes it worth it. Every struggle....every tear...all the waiting....all the missing....all the struggle..... the hope that Jesus is the Omega of my life.

Longing

One year and two months ago today Regan died. I know not everyone keeps track of a date like this. People in new relationships count like this. Most mothers do until their child turns two. Maybe that is when I will let all this silly counting go or maybe I never will. Only time will tell. The day that Regan died profoundly changed my life. It might be the biggest day in my life. I have never watched anyone die. Brian has had several opportunities to be with people and their families during the moment of death. These moments are precious to him....Reg's is of course a stand out but still it is precious to watch someone drop their body and be with Jesus in this paradise. I miss her worse as time passes. I am sure as time moves on it will let up. I don't tell most people this because most have moved on. I however have not....this whole thing is difficult.

I like to walk down the rows of flowers in gardening centers. Yesterday while I waited for my friend Laura to by spray paint I took a stroll through the flowers at ACE. I put my face to the sky and let my hands pass by the flowers on both sides. I whispered "I miss you Regan." Sounds crazy because I know she can't hear me but I have to say it out loud or I feel I will burst. I wonder if paradise smells like sweet flowers. I wonder as I listen to doves sing and robins tweet "Are these the sounds my sweet baby sings with?" and "Are these the smells that fill her cute little nose?" (This nose was perfect for kissing and I assume that it looks the same now because it was alreay perfect.) I picture her there walking....sometimes I lay in my grass on my back by her grave maker that is in my yard and look up at the sky. I wonder if she gets to lay in the grass and watch the blue sky. (This is a side bar but I hope in the new heaven and new earth we still mow because I love to mow and I love the smell of fresh cut grass.) I don't think I ever let Regan lay on the grass...I was too afraid of bugs biting her. Plus she hated bright lights so facing the sun wasn't enjoyable to her. She laid on blankets in the grass with her head on our laps. I only have one memory of her on the grass and it was while we took family pictures on our first first Easter in Lincoln.

This longing I have to be with Regan is unlike anything I have ever experienced. I have never longed for anything as much as I do this.....it is teaching me what a true longing for God feels like. I have always wanted to know God and the power of his resurrection but now my mind understands a deeper longing...one the is more pure and firmly set. I keep praying that God would teach me to long for Him like I long to be with her. I am sure this will be a life long process. I am stubborn. But He is making my heart more purely passionate for Him.

Over that past few weeks I have been stretching my mind and spirit around the idea that God longs for me. He longs for me to stop and set down with him. To be aware that we are always together. Just like I long for Regan or even now how I want Ryder or Rylee to come and set with me and "chat it up" or share their life with me. I understand that I will always love my children more than they love me. So my desire is for them more than their desire is for me. This is the way proper parenting should be because they can't out love me. So, I think this reveals God's love for us. Sometimes I forget that my desire for relationship with God isn't one sided. He wants me too. As a matter of reality He loves me more than I could ever love him.

When I was a new christian I listened to Rich Mullins all the time. He was one of my early spiritual influences. One of his songs says, "In this reckless raging fury that we call the love of God." This description keeps running in my brain. This is not an angry rage but a powerful and intense love. Like a storm that rages. God loves me with a raging fury. He will do ANYTHING to have relationship with me except make me.

I feel blessed to feel this fury. I want my life to be a full awareness of Ps 139. That he knows me all of me. That no darkness can hide me. That in him there is no darkness only light. "The night shines like noonday sun." Often I think that I am away from God or that parts of my earthy experiences are hidden. But this is not truth. The truth is...He will do ANYTHING to have relationship me with. He is in hot pursuit after me. No amount of longing I could ever have for him can compare to HIS desire for me. He is always with me. He always knows me. He is always searching my heart for truth. He doesn't look at what I do or don't do...He looks at ME. He wants me. That even feels weird to write. But it is true....He wants me.

I don't know why....

Over the past few months I have noticed nearly every weekend the saddening sight of the "kid exchange". My sister is divorced. So I know about it. I have seen it go well and go poorly. My sister is an amazing woman who has had to navigate waters I will never know. She is now remarried to an awesome man, Brad. We love him dearly but she spent several years as a single mom. She was actually always a single mom but I won't go any further than that. Single mom's are the hardest working women on the plant. So, I am no stranger to "the kids are at their dad's" weekend. However, recently I am catching all kinds of families as they make their exchange. I saw one family in MO, I saw one round the corner, I saw one at the laundry mat, I saw one in Indiana.....there have been lots more but you get the picture. I know they are not married by the way the two interact with each other...coldly. The kids are sometimes asleep, they are various ages, but the whole thing just makes me sad. Now, I am glad that my sister got the divorce that she got. They probably shouldn't have ever been married....the best part of their relationship is my nephew. He is one of my favorite people. Recently for no apprent reason I am overwhelmed with this thought....."Thank you God that you are always with those children." I can't imagine the pain of letting my kids go every other weekend to someone else's house. That is a lot of time you are missing out. That must be a comfort to parents who have to endure it. God is with them even when I am not.

This is no statement about divorce or dad's or mom's who are single. Like I said my sister went through it. My husband's parent's are divorced. So, please do not think that I am looking down on these families. I just have noticed it more lately and wanted to write a little about it. My eyes are open to it for some reason. I feel a pain in my heart as I watch them....these strangers I don't know....and sometimes I cry because I feel sad for them. I say a prayer for their kids. I say a prayer for the mom and the dad. I pray peace and mercy. I say a prayer for myself that I never have to do that. I credit my marriage only to the grace of God. Like I said, it is just something I have been noticing.....I don't know why....maybe God just wants me to remember that He is always with us no matter where we go even if it is to Dad's house for the weekend.

Some Canyon Thoughts

We recently went to the Grand Canyon. There is nothing that can describe it. Words fall short..pictures don't do justice....but trust me when I tell you that you must go there. Please go when your children are older because there are hardly any rails which makes it great and terrifying all at the same time.

While I was there each day I would think about the pioneers or native Indians who would happen to arrive at this canyon. How it must have been difficult to explain to someone how vast it is. How people probably didn't believe them because it just seemed unreal. It didn't seem possible that earth could look like this. Then came along the photograph....now there is a witness to this truth...the Grand Canyon. See here it is. Now people travel year round to visit God's glorious canyon.

Now people arrive and say "This is bigger than I thought." "This is more vast than I could imagine." This place is one of the seven natural wonders of the world. People from all over the world travel to see this place that they have always heard of, seen picture of or studied in school. Everyone has the same experience. We all think...this is more amazing than I ever thought it could be.
I kept saying, "I have heard of this place my whole life and now I am actually here." Then I would say, "This is better than I ever thought it could be." For four days I did this over and over. We would turn a corner and say, "Amazing, it looks completely different here." Now I tell people and they don't understand. There eyes go blank because they really don't want to hear and they do not understand. Except for those who have been there too.

This got me thinking about heaven. How I have heard of this place my whole life and someday I will be there. I will say "This is better than I ever thought it could be!" I will say, "I have heard of this place my whole life and now I am actually here, I can't believe it I am here." "Jesus wasn't lying when he said it would be worth the wait."

Some people have a hard time believing Jesus and the words He said to be true. We have been waiting a long time. My faith often weak in this area because I want to see and feel and touch so I can know. I am a little like Thomas. While at the Canyon I kept thinking how John says, "No one has ever gone into heaven except the one who came from heaven, the Son of Man." Jn 3:13 He testifies to us about the values of heaven, who is great, who will be least and about what the Father is like. I must believe Him because He was there. Just like I was at the Canyon because someone had gone there and testified to me about it's grandness, so I went. Jesus is telling us about something higher, greater, better than anything we know. Even though I don't understand it because it is grander than I can wrap my mind around doesn't mean it doesn't exist. He paints a picture for us with words but those words will fall short because words aren't enough. It takes trusting Him and that is our journey to get there. He said that He was going back there to prepare a place for us. I trust that too. He says He is coming back for me...I trust that too. When the clouds part and Christ is there, the dead in Christ will rise first, then we will met them in the air. I wonder if we will say, "It is just as He said."

Come, Lord Jesus Come!

This picture was at sun set in the Canyon! AMAZING! Oh, He is coming for us!

What Remains

A few months ago I read this great book called "What Remains." It is a memoir written by Carole Radziwill. She lost her husband, her best friend and and her best friends husband within three months of each other. (Her best friend's husband was John Kennedy Jr). She speaks candidly about death and helping someone who is chronically ill. Her husband is died of a horrible cancer. This book has brought some healing into my life. Just to hear someone speak familarly about walking a road of suffering ....she talks a language I know. She writes it well. She is not Christian but pain is pain. Her suffering is familar to me. She doesn't talk about God I don't know that she knows God. God knows her so and I love this book. This book made me think about this....

We have a hope chest that was given to us by Brian's family. In it are many of the things we treasure most from Regan's life. The pill crusher we used multipule times a day..it still has the last dose that I had ready to give her. It was still setting on her bed along with a cup of water for flush it. In this box is her ducky towel we used for way to too long but worked so well after her bath. There is also the key to her coffin, some medical bands, her hair bows....the things that are left of a life and death. Her closet is still full...I don't know when I will ever get to all of that. Some things I have already given away. Most of it still remains in the closet.

Yet those things don't mean as much as my memories of her. This are not locked in a closet or shut up in a hope chest. They remain with me all the time. The flood back when I watch my tulips bloom, when I walk in my front door with out her, every night when I go to bed, when we set at the table to eat......these memories mean more to me than any token. Ultimately all that will be left of her life is a small box .....that will all that will be left of mine. So this spurs me on to what will remain after that.

Hope, faith and love remain this is the context in which I remember her. Mementos only comfort for a moment. If it is a really good momento maybe a few moments. I do love these mementos but they are limited. I need something else to help. The whole that left in my life can not be filled up by little sweet sweaters, cute socks and left over meds.....this feeling that CS Lewis says so well "Was I really made for this?" My heart says "NO!" I was made to know God and to be known by Him. To know God within the context of hope, faith and love........

A year later what remains are the memories of my baby....my love for her, my hopes for her future, my faith in the reality of her life today. Even though I don't know what her life is like I am trusting God that it is good and peaceful. But what also remains is my love for God, my hopes that He what tells me is true. My faith in His words to be true. One day my faith with be sight, there will be no more need to hope in, but love will remain. I like that.

A Year Later

She loved to travel. You can see the joy in her face from her wheelchair and our mini-van. They allowed us rich time together and a life full of meaningful experiences. Many of our trips were mundane, everyday, across town or for simple errands. Some were worried between home, doctors and hospitals for help. Others were migrations back to family. Wherever we traveled, we went there together.

Today that wheelchair has been empty for one year. That mini-van has stayed closer to home. And we miss her.

But, we have traveled more miles this year...in my truck, on airplanes and in an RV...

...to the mountains in Colorado...



...to the coast in Florida...



...to the ski slopes of Northwestern Illinois...





...to the Grand Canyon...












These were great adventures for us...to explore God's good creation, our own hearts, rich family community and a new future. We are grateful for so many wonderful opportunities to travel. But with every adventurous mile we feel further away from our dear Regan. And "together" means something new...something not altogether welcome...something less...four instead of five. Even though she would not have enjoyed most of these miles, and could not have participated in our odysseys, she had a gracious way of putting up with our pace. And we enjoyed the sweet spirit she shared with us.

On April 21, 2008 we buried Regan in Oklahoma's red clay.

I struggled painfully that day wondering where she was and what would happen to her little body. So I went to the cemetery at dawn, prayed and did a Bible study.

I was reminded of the beautiful image of "Paradise." It was pictured as a Persian pleasure garden or forest. It was a place of peace and rest for those who had overcome the struggle with victory.

Though scripture doesn't give us all the specificity we'd like, it does give us some assurance: "To him (her) who overcomes, I will give the right to eat from the tree of life, which is in the paradise of God." (Rev 2:7)

We had this inscribed on the front of Regan's headstone. And on the back we added,

"She ran her race with grace.
We were graced to run with her."

Oklahoma isn't really known for its pleasure gardens or forests...but we believe Regan is enjoying a well-deserved rest in the Paradise of God.

So, we'll continue to run our race with the grace he provides.

It has been a hard year, to be sure. But God has been faithful. And he continues to lead us forward. That's good for us, because we enjoy traveling, too. Just a little less without her.

Thanks for traveling with us.

-Brian

Whiter Than Snow

This week in first grade we have been learning about adding -er or -est to compare two or more than two things. So I would like to say that snow when it is almost April is very exciting and seems to look different than snow in February. We woke up this Sunday morning to four inches of snow.....

Snow is white.....We also woke up knowing today was the day that Rylee was taking up her cross to follow Christ.

"though your sins are as red as scarlet, I will wash them whiter than snow." Is 1:18

What a wonderful day! She celebrated with her Sunday School class...and her several of her close friends were all there to see the big moment. We will share via video tape with our family over the next few weeks......She has been wanting to take this step for several months. After lots of conversations and a few tears we decided she was ready. Here are some of our favorite things she said to us.
"I am ready for the privilege of calling myself a Christian."
"I know I am a fingerprint of God but I am smudged. I know only Jesus can fix it."
"My heart can go dark. I need Jesus to help it."
"I know I could die. When you watch someone die you wonder where you will go when you die. I know that when you die you either go to be with God or you don't. I want to be with God."

This sounds like ready to me. The fruit of repentance is a beautiful thing.


We also went to watch one of Brian's boys be ordained..it was really great. Brian and Chris have a special relationship. We are so glad to see him take his next step in ministry. (Brian had a scooter fall on his head of Friday so he has a big bump...he is not turning Indian.)


Ryder also was in a play called "God Spell" this week at LCC. They had four performances. He did a great job...one of his best. Here he is with his buddy Garrett and friend Hannah along with their mentors for the play. It made me cry to watch Ryder sing one of the songs in the play in which no other children were singing but it was his favorite of the play. It talked about walking a day in which we will walk side by side with Jesus..... Let the church cry out....."Come Lord Jesus Come!"

Their costumes were crazier than normal.
But this week was the craziest we have had in a while. Praise God who pours Himself out from generation to generation.

Dates

This month is so full of memories of Regan

March 22 was her first seizure
March 27 first hospitalization in Dallas Children's Hospital
April 2 was the day she was declared brain dead in 2007
April 16 was the day she actually died

So we just move from one strange memory to another....

Each of these times hold both sad memories and also little miracles. Strangely enough Regan's first seizure was also while my Granny was likely to die from kidney failure. She made it and so did Regan for over five years. Amazing when I think about how these two are connected.

The first time we were hospitalized we were there for 10 days. They were some long days. We had no idea what we were doing. But we felt God close and guiding us in so many ways. His care has always been tender toward us. There are so many ways we saw him move I could not begin to list them all but a few are:
Regan was already in there computer but we had never been in that hospital and no one knew we were coming. The Great Physician called ahead.
Regan had a seizure as I laid the pen down at the registration desk. You never knew when they would come. God had perfect timing. The nurse came running through the door and knew exactly what she was looking at and diagnosed her immediately and accurately.
The president of the hospital came to visit us and pray for us....his daughter attended a Bible study that I taught. This pushed a test through we had been waiting on for two days...it happened within two hours.

Obviously everyone who reads knows all the details about the last two events. There are so many more than I could write about. We were glad to have her another year....we wish we had more. I wish I was buying her an Easter outfit to match Rylee. Yet we still feel and hear God. His care is tender....even in the the intensive care, hospice care, home care because we are always under His care.

First Grade Adventures

This week I officially became the substitute teacher for first grade while the normal teacher has a baby. She was put on bed rest four weeks before her due date so I am starting early! It has been a lot of fun. I enjoy this age....6 and 7 year olds. Regan might have been in first grade...and here is where I will be on the days around her death day. I will be surrounded by children who are still here to getting picked up after school, get their lunch packed, do homework, practice writing words, make spring crafts....their parents have no idea how blessed they are. Many of these parents don't feel blessed by their children at all. I feel a special attachment with those especially. I have already introduced them to one of my favorite series for this age, "Mercy Watson." three of them checked out copies to take home. They want to come to my house for dinner. They request me to tell them stories about adventures I have taken. The little girls love my rings and necklaces (no wooden pieces or button covers). They show me their bows. I tell them I love bows. Even the kindergardeners show me their bows and hair barrettes...isn't that strange? I have one boy that likes to set on my lap. He says "Do you think I am too big to set on your lap." I say, "No way, my twelve year old still sets on my lap." They knock at my window during recess....I wave and wink. One little one says he likes my hair because it smells good. I already love them.

I must say I wish Regan was with me. I wish I could have pushed her in a normal swing. I wish she could have climbed on rock walls. I wish she could have practiced her spelling words with me. I wonder what her handwirting might have looked like? I wish she could have asked me for a story.

This six year olds comfort me and make me long all at the same time. I know this is normal. I know because I KNOW that we were not made to watch things die. We were not made to let go of things in death. We were made for abundant life. We were made to cultivate to bring forth life. This truth comforts me the most and makes me long for eternity even more!

Memory Lane

Yesterday Brian and I drove to Springfield, MO to watch our LCC boys basketball team play at nationals. Brian wore one of our seniors' t-shirt for fun. Brian is not much of a "t-shirt" wearing guy so it was a big deal.

Anyway, so we drove five hours in the car and then watched a basketball game and then drove five hours home. It rained the entire way home so that wasn't very fun and even worse our boys lost....not fun at all. (This is mostly because I like to win and think it is much more fun than losing.)

However we did not mind the drive. You might call it memory lane. We make that drive several times a year. It is the path way to both my family and Brian's Kansas family. This is also the way we drive to get to Texas when we visit there. So, as we drive I am flooded with memories. Most of them make me smile....some make me shed a few tears... some even make me laugh. Honestly I wish we could make more similar memories now. We frequent the the same stops it seems....the Panera at Rolla, the Starbucks on both sides of St Louis, the rest stop on the south tip of Illinois....I could bore you with more but I will stop there.

Traveling with Regan was an adventure. Some would call it crazy but we loved it. We still miss her most when we are all in the car together. We find ourselves bored and wishing she needed us somehow. She doesn't. So we stay bored. We listen to our "Regan songs" on our ipods and pat each other.

I remember when we took her to be laid to rest in Oklahoma...this is the path we took. All of my sibilings, their spouses and children along with my parents in a long funeral procession from Illinois to Oklahoma. We like to remember that it was also the fastest one too (those of you who have driven with Brian understand this). On that drive all the red bud's where in bloom. The interstate was lined with purple buds....these reminded me that God was close by.....all creation declares it. Though the cars we passed had no idea what we were doing God saw us on our journey. He didn't miss a moment.

I wonder how long these memories will flood my mind. I still have half my life left. I hope they always will. It is what I have left...memories.This is Regan riding in the van.....see I told you she loved to ride in the van! She was our traveling baby! She even had to wear two seat belts.
Okay so sometimes they slept......still really great memories!

Recovering from Ashes

This week I have been very sad because of several tragedies happening all around me. Our friends Kyle and Katie lost their two year old Hailey who had a similar disorder to Regan. She died in the night last Friday. I am so sad for her loss. Some other tragedies are sin related so I can not speak about them here...but they grieve my soul. My brother lost his job this week. My dad had surgery. Some of my issures are in preparation for the Lent season that we have now entered into. It is painful because I know God created us to have different earthy experiences. These tragedies each represent a loss of some kind.

This week in the Divine Hours the prayer for the week says this..."Most loving Father, whose will it is for us to give thanks for all things, to fear nothing but the loss of you, and to cast all our cares on you who cares for us: Preserve me from faithless fears and worldly anxieties, that no clouds of this mortal life may hide from me the light of that love which is immortal, and which you have manifested to us in your Son Jesus Christ our Lord..."

So in God's great care for me He has given me words to say that are true. Because no words come to me in times like this. This is why I love these books of prayer. He has given me a reminder that though these things that burden me are losses (some greater and more painful than others) still yet I should fear none except the loss of HIM!

So I mentioned have been preparing for Lent. I wasn't sure I was going to give anything up because I feel like I have been in a season of "giving up" and really didn't know what to give up. But I was open. Yesterday standing in the Ash Wednesday service that I attended I was reminded that Lent is for everyone, for the old, the young, the newlywed, the children, and so I thought even those who have been in a season of "giving up." YES..even ME...the one who have given up! So I was committed to lenting. I need to be reminded of how sinful I am. Of just how much I need Jesus' resurecting power in my life. I feel at peace with what I am lenting...I look forward to Easter when I can have it back my sweet desserts. But my prayer will be "no loss like the loss of you, God" and probably also "All my delight is in you LORD! not in dessert!"

I also had this thought as the ashes were crossed on my forehead and these words were repeated "From dust you came and dust you will return." You see a body I love very much is returning to dust as I speak.....I don't like it very much. This is one of thoese "wordly anxieties" that I am confessing is clouding God's glory. Now granted, this loss is great in my life. It causes me great suffering. Yet these ashes remind me that a greater loss would be returning to dust myself without a knowing the one who mae me and without knowing His voice in my life. This loss would be greater...honestly at times I forget this truth. I think Kyle and Katie's loss is greater....I think divorce is greater, I think so many stupid things that I am embarassed to write are greater losses than that of the LOSS OF GOD; His presence in our lives.

"If the Lord had not been on our side-let Isreal say-If the Lord had not been on our side when men attacked us, they would have swallowed us alive in their burning anger against us. Then the waters whould have engulfed us; the torrent would have swept over us; the raging waters would have swept over us." Ps 124 1:1-5

You see though I am giving up I am not being swallowed, or engulfed, or swept away in the raging waters of pain, grief, saddness, or pain because He is at my side, forevermore. He is at the side of my family. Most importantly He is also at the side of the Father reminding Him that I am forgiven, that sometimes I don't know what I am doing, that I desire more of God even when I don't act like it. Praise God for a time of repentance....."to fear nothing but the loss of YOU!"

Self-Book

So I like most everyone my age have a profile on Facebook. I enjoy the easy connection this gives me with people that I otherwise might not know much about. Girls I went to high school with. Guys I have known since I was a child. College students who have moved on with their lives and now have lives that being me hope. It even helps me with connection with people who are in my everyday life. I can go on and send a message and not worry if the email address I have for them is right.

However it (like Christmas cards) can do a whammy on my view of self. I was reminded of this sin of self so many times over the past few weeks. This might be one of the greatest sins we could have. Thinking too highly of our selves...or thinking too much about ourselves period. I admit that I have moments where myself is what is on my mind. I may cloak them in thoughts of others but ultimately and too often I really think it is all about me.

I am reading the Great Divorce by CS Lewis right now. In an exchange about humans the Spirit says, "They sink lower...become interested in their own personalities and then in nothing but their own reputations" (pg 85) That steps on my toes. Sometimes I even try to trick myself into thinking that my reputation in also God's this is true but when I am honest I sometimes care more about my own.

So this has got me thinking about moving higher instead of lower. So I wrote this statement as a prayer.... "Could I move higher...become so interested in who God is and then in nothing but His reputation!"

Lewis goes on to say that self centered living as a casket of death an... "airless, careless...impervious to all of love's arrow's and impervious to love it's self.

Lord, please let selfishness not be my casket but may I find ME by loosing ME and gaining YOU the LIFE! (Luke 9:24)

Like the great song Hosanna says....
"Take my heart and make it pure.....everything I am for your kingdom's causes!"

Shared Experience of Glory

I have a weakness right now for the the phrase

Holy Holy Holy

I think Regan might get to sing it now since she is with Jesus. When I sing it I cry...but I sing it loud. It is something we might be getting to do together. It makes me happy.

The evening Regan was dying I sang the song "Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus" to her. We knew she was dying. I kept thinking about how this was the process she was going through. That soon she would "Look full in his wonderful face. And the things of earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace."

I sang it to my Granny the week I was with her too. I took a hymnal with me a few times when I went to set with her. I sang to her. I knew these were the songs that she needed to hear. Songs of hope eternal. Songs of our true home.

We sang "Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus" this week in church. So I started to cry because I have those recent memories. We don't sing it much anymore. So I am sure it is the first time I have sang it in a congregation in years....I remembered singing softly in Regan's ear. Telling her that if she saw Jesus she should go. Telling her how much we would miss her but how she would leave suffering behind.

Sunday I felt like maybe Regan would want me to hear these words. She really knows how wonderful His face is now. I was just dreaming about it when I sang it to her. I have never seen Jesus but I image it is lovely. Now it is her reality. I needed a reminder about the small and short these dark days will be compared to His eternal light and glory.

Some days feel really long lately. We all miss her. Since it is the dead of winter here there is not much light.....no glorious sun. This doesn't help things. We know there is a sun but at this point it is a distant memory. Last week I kept daydreaming about the pool, my backyard full of flowers, green grass, flip-flops, cloths on the line, counting up the days until lent will start so I can prepare for Easter. I needed some reminders of spring and reminders of what new life feels like. The light seems way too far out in the distance or way back in the past. We are in the in between...oh I hate this part. Yet He feels close by.

So, I feel blessed to know that God is with me. He outshines the sun. He is to be worshiped in every season. He promises that we can have new mercies everyday. I think that this means everyday...I am taking Him at His word. Praise God! Praise Him for Hope. Praise Him for the hope of a future, a shared experience of glory and for little glimpses of it now in the in between.

Hope Hype

There is a lot of talk these days about hope. Many people have had their hope renewed by our new President. Last week I heard lots of people interviewed. Over and over I heard people lay that they feel like they woke up to a new world and that they felt like they needed to do more to be a better American. This is very interesting to me. Isn't it strange that people are so simply motivated. That their hope could be so simply placed.

Now I like Obama. I almost voted for him. I think he will make a great President. I am praying for him and his family. I cried as I watched him sworn in. So this is not a statement about him. I actually feel like this is not fair to him. I don't know how he could ever deliver all that people expect of him. I trust he will do a great job.

However President Obama has no affect on who I am. James 4:1 asks us "What is the source of the wars and the fights amoung you? Don't they come from the cravings that are at war within you?"...then goes on to say in verse 7 "therefore submit to God but resist the Devil and he will flee from you. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you."

So who I am should not be based upon who others are. I am influenced by others just like everybody. I sometimes joke to harshly because I know people think it's funny....I am human and I am sinful. I don't always want people to know I am weak. I say I am okay when I am not. I make things sound harder than they really are just to make myself look stronger than I really am. I realize that I need to do better not because someone else is better...not because they make me want to BE better. I realize no person who has that control over me. Even if I could whip it for a while I would go back. Even if I volunteered 5 hours to community service....this doens't make me better....But there is one who can.

I want to be a good American, a good citizen, a good neighbor, a dependable friend, a good employee and a good caretaker of this earth These are not based upon wither I like my neighbor, or a like my President but because God calls me to it. My hope is in Him....not in my country. I am a citizen of another city....who's builder is God. I am greatful for this great country. I pray that she will be used by God to do good things for the world...to bring hope to hurting people....mostly I want this to be true of His church. May we draw near to God. Trust Him for our future. Give to Him our present and repent of our past. I thank God for a country that can learn from it's mistakes. That we could elect and move an Africian American Presidental family into a house that was built by slaves. I am grateful we can change and learn to do better as a country. It reminds me that God could do that within me to....renew me...make me different than I was...I need that hope.

This is true hope. Not just temprorary hope that fades in 100 days....hope that is simply hype. This is hope that changes everything..everywhere....for all time.

My Un Christmas Letter

I really love Christmas Cards...I love the photos. I am a photo person. I actually keep Christmas photos up all year on a bulletin board in our kitchen. I like to look at them. Most of the people I don't get to see except on really special occasion yet many of them are very special to me. Some of these are childhood friends, college friends, friends from Brian's childhood that I only know because of him and their annual card, family members, friends from previous ministries and a few here in Lincoln. I love the letters that come with the pictures too. Yet it seems sometimes my jealousy gets stirred up as I read them. Am I the only one this happens too? We get a glimpse into someones life..it seems "picture perfect." I have a friend whose husband took control of their Christmas Letter because he wanted it to not be so perfect...not just the victories but the honest struggles too. Their letter I always look forward to. Now I have no judgment on these cards because if I were to write one I would do the same thing...I do it all the time on this blog. So this is not about the letters this is about what goes on inside of me. I admit that I want a Christmas Card life...you know the one I am talking about...everyone is smiling, we are on a beach, a mountain, or maybe the snow is all around us and all we hope for our new year is to lose weight. The one where our kids are happy to be in our family, everyone is dressed cute, we all match, everyone loves each other. Yet this is not always the way my family is....as a matter of fact last year (Christmas 07) we couldn't even pull it together long long enough to snap the picture by the tree. Does this happen to anyone else?

So this morning while the towels were drying and the bacon was cooking in the oven and I had a quiet moment to journal some thoughts I remembered how thankful I am for my unChristmas Card life. I am thankful for my friends and family who accept my unperfect kids. They are often selfish, they judge others, they have lied, they have stolen, they have been too harsh, they have been a bully, they have been mean, they have causes pain instead of brought peace. They have repeated things they shouldn't have. They do not always use their manners. They have not learned the important lesson's of High School Musical (I II or III). You know that we're all in this together so stop looking out for just you! I realize that sometime in the future my kids may be the ones to tell your kids that their is no such thing as Santa or about what "sex" really is. Maybe they already have? They may drink beer, drive to fast, look at porn on your computer, or many other things I don't want to think about or type. My kids aren't perfect even though I would really love it if they were. I used to struggle a lot with this and feel like their flaws were some type of reflection on me. This is true to a strong degree but mostly they aren't perfect because they are sinful humans. God is at work in them but this is mostly between them not me. After all He is really the One who made them. I have had to learn to trust God with them and stop trying to control every little thing in their life.....

Back to my gratitude. So I am thankful for friends who will accept my children as they are. I am thankful for all the ones a long the way that have reminded me of where to let go and where to stand my ground. These conversations have happened in the hallways of church, on the phone, around a table, at Starbucks, on walks, in books I have read, in prayers together, .....So today I am thankful for the people in my life who know my life is no greeting card (and I know yours isn't either) but a life where God is at work redeeming all the broken parts. He is moving those of us who cherish Him through our journey's with mercy and grace. Thank God for the reminder that He gives us through our children of how deep and wide that mercy and grace can run. Thank God that we can understand that He wants more Good for us than we could ever want for ourselves because we fill this way about our own children. God knows us not the snapshot of a great moment but all the small insignificant moments and even the really ugly ones...He accepts us anyway. Help us God to be that way with each other.....more grace in Jesus name.