And He Sees Me

I have just finished a seven week job at LJHS. So I am back to being a stay at home wife. Which I like but also does a bit of a number on my brain. First of all I am at home alone. Which is still weird for me. I miss Regan a lot. For eight years if I was home she was home. So, when I am home alone there is a unique missing that happens in my heart.

Secondly, when I am going really hard I do not have time to do the deep soul work that is required for an intimate walk with Christ. I still have devotional and prayer time each day but there is not time in my schedule to let God speak to me that way I like to be. It is much like not making time for a date or getaway with your family. You are living everyday together but it takes a lot of time to build deep relationships with each other that happens on vacation or weekends.

So, on Tuesday I actually got in my bed and took a nap. Now I tell you this because I have not crawled in my bed to take a nap alone since before Regan died. I did nap with her in my bed when she was alive. But it is not natural for me to nap especially under the covers in my bedroom. I have had some weekend naps and once I napped on the sofa. As I crawled into bed I thought..."I don't think I can do this anymore...I can't fight the good fight...I can not finish this race...I think I might give up."

I closed my eyes and fell asleep for thirty minutes. Then I woke up and grabbed the book I am reading for the maybe fourth time. Sacred Romance and I read "We long for a life to be better than it is. We wish the beauty and love and adventure would stay and than someone strong and kind would show us how to make the arrows go away. We hope that God will be our hero. Of all the people in the universe, he could stop the arrows and arrange for just a little more blessing in our lives. He can spin the earth, change the weather, topple governments, obliterate armies and resurrect the dead. Is it too much to ask that he intervene in our story? But he often seems aloof, almost indifferent to our plight, so entirely out of control. Would it be any worse if there were no God? If he didn't exist, at least he wouldn't get our hopes us. We could settle once and for all that we are alone in the universe and get on with surviving as best we may."

I cried...because this is sometimes how I feel. Like I am looking for God but can not find him. I wish that He had healed my little girl. I know some of you want to say..."But she is healed now!" Yes, I know that....I am not talking about that. When I think about what I want I wish that she was healed here on earth...so my eyes could see it. I still do not like it that she is gone. It is no longer acceptable with most people for me to be frustrated by this anymore...most everyone has moved on and accepted it. Some days I have. Usually I haven't. I feel like I am just surviving. Often even telling people what I know they want to hear.
Making the best of what I have been given. All along dealing with the pain of knowing the My God, the one who loves me the most, could have saved the one I love and did not.

What moves me is that exactly what my heart was feeling I read. I did not know how to say it. It renews my hope because I know God placed me at that moment to read that...so He could show me He is not aloof. He is still expressing love to me even though I am frustrated with Him. He is not aloof...I am aloof. I am often times like a little baby who wants it her way or no way. I appreciate the tenderness of a God who will meet me even when I am literally covering my head up and giving up...He doesn't! As my friend Shannon texted me a couple days later "If we are faithless, He is faithful...for He cannot deny himself 2 Tim. 2 :13

I am grateful today that He See Me! That I don't have to do all the work in this relationship. He pursuits me.

Purpose

I haven't updated the blog lately because I question constantly why I should. I journal so I get my thoughts out that way...most of the time. The blog started as a way to update our family and friends on Regan's condition. Regan's condition hasn't changed in two years. So many times I think...just let it go. Everyone else has moved on...you should to.

I have been reading in 1 Samuel for my devotional reading. I am taking it nice a slow. It is refreshing to my heart. I just finished teaching Bible study over the book of Acts and spoke at 8 different events over late winter/early spring time. So, it renews me to just read and enjoy a book of the bible. A theme in 1 Samuel is the faithfulness of God. How the help of the Israelite people, for Hannah, for Samuel, for Saul...comes from the Lord.

1 Samuel 12:24 says, "Above all fear the Lord and worship Him faithfully with all your heart considering the great things he has done for you."

When I read this I am moved that this is true for me. God has been faithful to me. It is really what this blog is about. When I reread what God has done I know that He has been faithful to me. If he never did another thing all He has done is enough to sustain me for a lifetime. I say this right now but we all know how my heart goes....wondering. So it honestly probably isn't.

We went on a trip to Washington DC for Spring Break. It is like DC is a monument to God's faithfulness to our country at every turn...I don't imagine most people see it that way but was I looked at marble building after marble building I couldn't help but think...boy God has been faithful to us. We sat for a long time on the steps of the Jefferson Memorial...you can see much of DC's skyline from there. We took this picture. I cried and thanked God for His faithfulness to our country up to this point. I was humbled.

I want to be a worshiper of God. I want to do this will all my heart...with all my mind....with all my thinking...with all my strength. I want to recall his faithfulness to me. I have been making a list. It gives me mind and body something to do when I want to focus on what someone else is doing or not doing. It gives my mind relief from wanting to complain about small things. I want to be a worshiper of God who considers the great things God has done for me.

Maybe the blog will continue it's purpose.

"Afterwards, Samuel took a stone and set it upright between Mizpah and Shen. He named it Ebenezer explaining, "The Lord has helped us to this point."

This blog is my Ebenezer....

Lent oh Sweet Lent

Ok...it has been awhile. Lent is here. For many years now I have observed Lent. Mostly because I need Lent. I look forward to it until I am in it. Then it makes me sad. For six weeks I expect to have little happiness. This is hard for the people around me. I get this a lot "are you okay?" I don't know how to answer this. Yes I am okay. Jesus died for my sin. He rose again so I could be renewed and restored. So, yes i am okay but my own sin drives me mad! It seems like most of the time I give up something so insignificant it is embarrassing to even offer this to God as worship. I have given up coffee, chocolates, sweets, complaining, diet coke, tv, rich meat...One year I didn't give up anything because I had to give up my daughter. That seemed like enough.

This year I have given up thirty minutes of sleep to pray and read the Bible. Now I obviously already pray and read but I love sleep. I love sleep in February and March like I love the sun in July! I think about when the next time is I will get it. I want to go to bed at 8...but make myself stay up later. I am not working until April so I don't have to get up before 6:30...so sleep was a good choice.

It is still small. So is chocolate, sweets, diet coke, complaining, tv, meat....I mean it is a small thing compared to Christ. No thing we could ever give up is what Christ gave up. It is small compared to my sin. Yet...it is so hard for me to get up. This makes me crazy. Today I never even heard my alarm but woke up wide awake at 6:30...know I know it went off but I just didn't respond.

I am like this spiritually...alseep...non-responsive...."Wake up O sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on You." (Eph. 5:14)

Lent is good for me. It reminds me.... I am weak. I don't like being weak. I prefer strong. Lent makes me feel exposed. "everything exposed by the light becomes visible for it is light the makes everything visible." (eph 5:13) Shine on me sweet Jesus...shine on!

Christmas Memory

Christmas is here. We are back from skiing and now we are nestled down for a few days before our southward migration. We have successfully brought Brian to the age of 37...fun! We have a restful few days in mind. This afternoon I am missing our little girl. So I remember that He came once. He will come again. Then this space between us will be gone. Until then we wait....we say "Come Lord Jesus Come."

Because You Told Me

I am currently teaching 3, 4, 5th Learning Disabled at an Elementary School here in Lincoln. Their teacher is having a baby so I am teaching while she takes care of her little one. I have been there a few weeks and will be there until Christmas. They are an awesome class. Last week I wrote all my students a note. I praised them for their strengths and told each one of them the particular blessing they bring to me. They beamed of course because who doesn't like to get a note...this is a side note but people should send more hand written mail....anyway one girl said, "I am good at math, I know because you told me so." Now the reality is she is good at math I was just reminding her of the reality that is already her truth. But this little interaction is has been challenging me to think rightly about myself. To remember who I am because He has told me so. Sometimes I forget or get distracted. But the reality is He has told me who I am...forgiven, able, full of the Spirit, redeemed, promised, blessed, adopted, chosen, I have a future, He is for me, have hope, He is active in me, righteous, holy, helpful, equipped, useful, good, understood, in a family, alive.....sometimes I forget. His Word reminds me that He is faithful to complete what He has started. I know who I am because He tells me so. This is why I go to school...to get schooled. Way to go public school!

A Rylee Lesson

I am sure that I have written about my love for Hebrews many times. But I have to say it again..."I love Hebrews!" It keeps me going. It reminds me of so many important things that keep me on the right path towards Jesus. It keeps me strengthened when I am tired.

I keep a few things that are important to me in my bible. I keep a couple pictures of Regan that I love. They remind me that God did a good work in her life. He blessed me through her in so many ways. He continues to teach us through our memories of our past with her and the thoughts of her current reality which is very different from my own (Amen!) I also keep a picture of my grandmother and Brian that was taken the day of my brother Wade's wedding. It was a great day....I have many wonderful memories and one of them was taking that picture of them. I also keep two poems that Rylee wrote and gave to me. Rylee(like her mother) is a terrible speller but the heart of these poems teach me something each time I read them. They remind me....

"No disciple seems enjoyable at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it yields a the fruit of peace and righteousness to those who have been trained by it." Heb 12:11

I'm Still Happy by Rylee Mills
to: The sweetest girl Regan

My sister died but out of misery and I'm still happy.
My sister was sick and happy so I'm still happy.
My sister had seizures and was happy so I'm still happy.
My sister hurt but still smiled so I'm still happy.
She was lonely but was happy so I'm still happy.
My sister could not speak her mind and smiled so I'm still happy.


I Miss You so Much by Rylee Mills
to: My sister Regan

Sister in heaven I miss you so much and I love you so much.
Now you can run and walk but you are missed so much. I miss talking to you and playing with you so I say it again, I miss you so much. You were my everything. You were my best friend and little sister. So, I say, I miss you to much!

When I read these (which I do almost daily) they remind me that God is at work through this pain. That He has brought peace to Rylee through a painful situation. So He can bring peace to me too. "

Therefore strengthen your tired hands and weakened knees and make straight path for your feet, so that what is lame may not be dislocated, but healed instead.

" Heb. 12:12 I know that God wants to heal but mostly he wants us to know HIM! I know to many people our family probably seems "lamed" or maybe sometimes just plain lame! We have been broken. I constantly make it my prayer that we not resist the Lord's work and so we have to endure greater injury or keep us from injuring others because of our pain. I pray this because of this warning not to risk further injury but be healed instead. This seems like a choice to me. Rylee seems to walk in that victory most days. She accepts God's goodness readily. These poems are not just talk they are her testimony. They are her honesty. May they strengthen you today through the power of the Holy Spirit.

Maturity

This morning I decided I needed to sort a section of my craft/game closet. This is also were I keep photos. So of course this sent me crying. These were photos from the last couple years or so. I put them in order and was filing them away. Crying all along. One of the things that is difficult is that my older to have changed from this...these were both taken the day of Regan's viewing here in Lincoln. (On a side note...we love our little joy baby Liam~! he is my nephew!)
To this...They grew up. Now they are not all the way grown up by any means but there physical changes are a refection of what her death has caused in their emotions and souls. In Harry Potter there are the animals that no one can see unless you have seen someone die. I think it is true that there is something that happens to you, that changes the way you see and experience the world when you are present at some one's death. We all grew up that day. My life is changed. I will never be the same nor to I want to be. Death is nothing like you think it will be....much more difficult than I ever imagined. Our relationship with each other changed...it grew deeper with each other because of this experience and our "getting on with it" afterwards...I am glad that God was with us...He wasn't asleep, He wasn't distracted, He wasn't preoccupied, He wasn't busy, He didn't have better things to do. He didn't need to be invited in..He just IS! He is the One maturing us into the likeness of His Son. Making us grow up and not be spiritual babies anymore. Praise God that HE WAS! He IS! and HE WILL BE!

So today I am thankful that physical changes aren't all that we have to count on. God promises us that He can do more than we imagine that HE can. I am trusting that He is making us more like our Big Brother Jesus everyday...in insight, depth of wisdom, understanding....this is what I desire....make us all more like You God!

Grief is Strange

Rylee is missing Regan and she doesn't even realize what she is doing. This week she has started wearing a bow in her hair everyday. These are all Regan's bows of course. She has also started using baby lotion. We always used Baby lotion on Regan. So it smells like "her" to us. This morning both her and Ryder are in the bathroom slathering it on! Both of these things are strange because they are teenagers. She also drew me the sweetest picture of what she called her "happy" picture. I am standing at the door when an apron on and she and Regan are playing under our tree. In this picture Regan is in her chair and Rylee has a jump rope in her hand. It made me cry. All of this does actually because I find these bows everywhere, so I am constantly putting them back in Regan's closet. This was not uncommon when Regan was alive but a bit strange now. This along with smelling Regan everywhere because my other kids now smell like her is causing my brain to be confused! To top it all off last week I found one of Regan's socks in our clean laundry. I am standing at the table folding a load of laundry before school and low and behold there is a Regan sock in there. Dryers eat socks and sometimes spit them back out I guess.

I just keep leaning in and keep trying to navigate through these strange waters of grief.

Top Dogs 09

Today Ryder started 8th grade. Rylee started 5th. These are both the highest grades there schools go to. I am excited to see them grow as leaders this year. Brian and I took them to school but first we went to McDonald's for breakfast. This is not the breakfast of champions but it was cheep.

Rylee has the same teacher that Ryder had Mr Lanning. So they are looking forward to a rocking year!

This is our last year to have a student in elementary school. So this makes me tear up a little. Not as bad as I used to....I still cry for those kindergarten mom. I remember how sad that was for me. I anticipate next year to be a tough year. I will have one in Junior High and one in High School.

Tangled UP!

For the past two summers I have grown a flower in the same spot on my back deck. This year the Zinna's wouldn't grow there. So, I planted this in it's spot to celebrate Regan's birth day. Regan's grave marker is sits below it. I spend some time there most days. I love my back yard garden. I love to set beside this plant in the grass. It is my bit or paradise. I lay with my face to the sky. I watch the clouds. I listen to the birds sing. My tears water the grass below me. I miss my baby. I wish eternity didn't seem so far away. This lovely flower reminds me of her because she was lovely. It had tangled vines. You can't unwind them because they are tangled so closely. It is tangled so closely that you can't tell where one vine starts and the other one ends. Regan is tangled in our lives the same way. We can't get her unraveled from our lives. She is wound tight into our lives! I like it this way. However this makes my life more difficult. Everything reminds me of her.

Today I am going to babysit my friend's little girl Faith. She has autism. She also has the same therapist as Regan had. All tangled up!

Yesterday I was crying because I miss her. I was moving some dirt. So I was singing some "I miss you songs" while listening to my ipod. I was standing in the back of a trailer sweat streaming down my neck and tears down my checks. My neighbor heard me singing. She thought it was great. I thought it felt like a relief. Just like Brian, Ryder and I driving through the cemetery last night for half an hour. Ryder said, "I think people might think we are weird." All tangled up!

Sunday Brian and I rode in the elevator at church. I hadn't done that since she died. All tangled up.

Saturday I found new pictures of Regan had hadn't seen. They were on Rylee's camera. We enjoy looking at her in new ways. All tangled up!

Friday I saw one of Regan's little friend Kayla wheeling around in her back yard playing with her friends. She has an electric wheelchair. I wish Regan could play with her. I wanted to watch for a while but I think that is stocking. All tangled up!

You see I probably make people nuts because I can't stop thinking about her. I can't stop thinking about her. I guess she is just all tangled up.

Often times I think about the power of a question. My dad first asked my mom on a date after buying a 5cent comb from her (she worked as a soda jerk at a drug store). I wouldn't be here if she wouldn't have answered yes to that question.

One of the most important questions we ever answer is..."Do you believe that Jesus is the Christ Son of the Living God."

I have several college girls and some high school girls who have made there way through my home. Our relationship started with me asking me to be in my small group. They challenge me. They make me strive to be all I can be. I know they are watching me. I want to be a good model.

Some friendships are sparked by "Would you like to come over for dinner?" Maybe "Would you like to go out for a coke?" I have great relationships that started this way.Jesus walked around asking questions all the time. He even answered questions that were given to Him by asking another question.

I have been forgiven of a lot. "Will you forgive me?" Such a hard thing to ask. Such a hard thing to answer. Can I really forgive that.....?....them?.....myself...? especially when I keep doing what I ask forgiveness for.

This summer I have been thinking about how much my life changed because a young man asked me to marry him. Our son just turned 13.....He never would have done that if his dad had not asked, "Chantell, will you marry me?" Everyday I chose to love that guy. Man I am glad he asked.

Some questions change your life....some for the better....some not. I keep thinking..."Will you take up your cross daily and follow me?" Man now that is a hard question. It is the most difficult. I am pretty good at picking it up every other day but sometimes I just need a day off. But no...."today will you pick it up?"


Questions??????

The week my Granny was dying she asked me if I could see it. "See what?" I asked her. Now this happened several times. Some of you may not remember this by my Granny didn't know who I was for several years before she died. She did have some clarity the days before her passing but otherwise she hadn't known me in years. I would tell her who I was. She was always loving towards me. I think her soul knew she loved me....her mind just couldn't remember why. So when you are in this state you don't act politically correct. In her latter years she thought her doll was a real baby. She would sing to it the same lullaby she sang to me when I was a baby. She same song she sang to Ryder and Rylee when they were babies. She would ask children for their candy. She would think marbles were candy! She would say rude things sometimes. Nothing like her normal self but a sort of untamed one. I sometimes wish I had this courage. So, I tell you all this so you can know that she didn't feel the need to say things just to make anyone feel better. She just said what she thought was truth.

The week that she died she asked me if I could see him. "See who?" I asked her. She said, "Jesus and he has brought the children." I couldn't see him. I wish I could. She could. She put her hands out towards him...she would point to the children all around the bed. I whispered for her to "Go!' Even though my heart wanted her to stay. I was jealous that I couldn't see what she could see. I wanted to. Isn't it amazing that though she never saw Jesus with her eyes it was He that she knew...not us the ones she lived with but the ONE who knew her...Jesus.

My faith and hope aren't always high. My unbelief sometimes overwhelms my faith. This frustrates me because I want my belief to be firm. Sometimes the tide of grief over takes the ground that my feet are standing on. This week is one of those weeks. So I remember that in the end when I am ready to drop this earthy tent it will be Jesus that I see. The ONE who really knows me. Maybe I will get to see him a few days before. Maybe He will bring the children too. Maybe I will smile like Granny smiled when she saw Him. It is Jesus that makes it worth it. Every struggle....every tear...all the waiting....all the missing....all the struggle..... the hope that Jesus is the Omega of my life.

Longing

One year and two months ago today Regan died. I know not everyone keeps track of a date like this. People in new relationships count like this. Most mothers do until their child turns two. Maybe that is when I will let all this silly counting go or maybe I never will. Only time will tell. The day that Regan died profoundly changed my life. It might be the biggest day in my life. I have never watched anyone die. Brian has had several opportunities to be with people and their families during the moment of death. These moments are precious to him....Reg's is of course a stand out but still it is precious to watch someone drop their body and be with Jesus in this paradise. I miss her worse as time passes. I am sure as time moves on it will let up. I don't tell most people this because most have moved on. I however have not....this whole thing is difficult.

I like to walk down the rows of flowers in gardening centers. Yesterday while I waited for my friend Laura to by spray paint I took a stroll through the flowers at ACE. I put my face to the sky and let my hands pass by the flowers on both sides. I whispered "I miss you Regan." Sounds crazy because I know she can't hear me but I have to say it out loud or I feel I will burst. I wonder if paradise smells like sweet flowers. I wonder as I listen to doves sing and robins tweet "Are these the sounds my sweet baby sings with?" and "Are these the smells that fill her cute little nose?" (This nose was perfect for kissing and I assume that it looks the same now because it was alreay perfect.) I picture her there walking....sometimes I lay in my grass on my back by her grave maker that is in my yard and look up at the sky. I wonder if she gets to lay in the grass and watch the blue sky. (This is a side bar but I hope in the new heaven and new earth we still mow because I love to mow and I love the smell of fresh cut grass.) I don't think I ever let Regan lay on the grass...I was too afraid of bugs biting her. Plus she hated bright lights so facing the sun wasn't enjoyable to her. She laid on blankets in the grass with her head on our laps. I only have one memory of her on the grass and it was while we took family pictures on our first first Easter in Lincoln.

This longing I have to be with Regan is unlike anything I have ever experienced. I have never longed for anything as much as I do this.....it is teaching me what a true longing for God feels like. I have always wanted to know God and the power of his resurrection but now my mind understands a deeper longing...one the is more pure and firmly set. I keep praying that God would teach me to long for Him like I long to be with her. I am sure this will be a life long process. I am stubborn. But He is making my heart more purely passionate for Him.

Over that past few weeks I have been stretching my mind and spirit around the idea that God longs for me. He longs for me to stop and set down with him. To be aware that we are always together. Just like I long for Regan or even now how I want Ryder or Rylee to come and set with me and "chat it up" or share their life with me. I understand that I will always love my children more than they love me. So my desire is for them more than their desire is for me. This is the way proper parenting should be because they can't out love me. So, I think this reveals God's love for us. Sometimes I forget that my desire for relationship with God isn't one sided. He wants me too. As a matter of reality He loves me more than I could ever love him.

When I was a new christian I listened to Rich Mullins all the time. He was one of my early spiritual influences. One of his songs says, "In this reckless raging fury that we call the love of God." This description keeps running in my brain. This is not an angry rage but a powerful and intense love. Like a storm that rages. God loves me with a raging fury. He will do ANYTHING to have relationship with me except make me.

I feel blessed to feel this fury. I want my life to be a full awareness of Ps 139. That he knows me all of me. That no darkness can hide me. That in him there is no darkness only light. "The night shines like noonday sun." Often I think that I am away from God or that parts of my earthy experiences are hidden. But this is not truth. The truth is...He will do ANYTHING to have relationship me with. He is in hot pursuit after me. No amount of longing I could ever have for him can compare to HIS desire for me. He is always with me. He always knows me. He is always searching my heart for truth. He doesn't look at what I do or don't do...He looks at ME. He wants me. That even feels weird to write. But it is true....He wants me.

I don't know why....

Over the past few months I have noticed nearly every weekend the saddening sight of the "kid exchange". My sister is divorced. So I know about it. I have seen it go well and go poorly. My sister is an amazing woman who has had to navigate waters I will never know. She is now remarried to an awesome man, Brad. We love him dearly but she spent several years as a single mom. She was actually always a single mom but I won't go any further than that. Single mom's are the hardest working women on the plant. So, I am no stranger to "the kids are at their dad's" weekend. However, recently I am catching all kinds of families as they make their exchange. I saw one family in MO, I saw one round the corner, I saw one at the laundry mat, I saw one in Indiana.....there have been lots more but you get the picture. I know they are not married by the way the two interact with each other...coldly. The kids are sometimes asleep, they are various ages, but the whole thing just makes me sad. Now, I am glad that my sister got the divorce that she got. They probably shouldn't have ever been married....the best part of their relationship is my nephew. He is one of my favorite people. Recently for no apprent reason I am overwhelmed with this thought....."Thank you God that you are always with those children." I can't imagine the pain of letting my kids go every other weekend to someone else's house. That is a lot of time you are missing out. That must be a comfort to parents who have to endure it. God is with them even when I am not.

This is no statement about divorce or dad's or mom's who are single. Like I said my sister went through it. My husband's parent's are divorced. So, please do not think that I am looking down on these families. I just have noticed it more lately and wanted to write a little about it. My eyes are open to it for some reason. I feel a pain in my heart as I watch them....these strangers I don't know....and sometimes I cry because I feel sad for them. I say a prayer for their kids. I say a prayer for the mom and the dad. I pray peace and mercy. I say a prayer for myself that I never have to do that. I credit my marriage only to the grace of God. Like I said, it is just something I have been noticing.....I don't know why....maybe God just wants me to remember that He is always with us no matter where we go even if it is to Dad's house for the weekend.

Some Canyon Thoughts

We recently went to the Grand Canyon. There is nothing that can describe it. Words fall short..pictures don't do justice....but trust me when I tell you that you must go there. Please go when your children are older because there are hardly any rails which makes it great and terrifying all at the same time.

While I was there each day I would think about the pioneers or native Indians who would happen to arrive at this canyon. How it must have been difficult to explain to someone how vast it is. How people probably didn't believe them because it just seemed unreal. It didn't seem possible that earth could look like this. Then came along the photograph....now there is a witness to this truth...the Grand Canyon. See here it is. Now people travel year round to visit God's glorious canyon.

Now people arrive and say "This is bigger than I thought." "This is more vast than I could imagine." This place is one of the seven natural wonders of the world. People from all over the world travel to see this place that they have always heard of, seen picture of or studied in school. Everyone has the same experience. We all think...this is more amazing than I ever thought it could be.
I kept saying, "I have heard of this place my whole life and now I am actually here." Then I would say, "This is better than I ever thought it could be." For four days I did this over and over. We would turn a corner and say, "Amazing, it looks completely different here." Now I tell people and they don't understand. There eyes go blank because they really don't want to hear and they do not understand. Except for those who have been there too.

This got me thinking about heaven. How I have heard of this place my whole life and someday I will be there. I will say "This is better than I ever thought it could be!" I will say, "I have heard of this place my whole life and now I am actually here, I can't believe it I am here." "Jesus wasn't lying when he said it would be worth the wait."

Some people have a hard time believing Jesus and the words He said to be true. We have been waiting a long time. My faith often weak in this area because I want to see and feel and touch so I can know. I am a little like Thomas. While at the Canyon I kept thinking how John says, "No one has ever gone into heaven except the one who came from heaven, the Son of Man." Jn 3:13 He testifies to us about the values of heaven, who is great, who will be least and about what the Father is like. I must believe Him because He was there. Just like I was at the Canyon because someone had gone there and testified to me about it's grandness, so I went. Jesus is telling us about something higher, greater, better than anything we know. Even though I don't understand it because it is grander than I can wrap my mind around doesn't mean it doesn't exist. He paints a picture for us with words but those words will fall short because words aren't enough. It takes trusting Him and that is our journey to get there. He said that He was going back there to prepare a place for us. I trust that too. He says He is coming back for me...I trust that too. When the clouds part and Christ is there, the dead in Christ will rise first, then we will met them in the air. I wonder if we will say, "It is just as He said."

Come, Lord Jesus Come!

This picture was at sun set in the Canyon! AMAZING! Oh, He is coming for us!

What Remains

A few months ago I read this great book called "What Remains." It is a memoir written by Carole Radziwill. She lost her husband, her best friend and and her best friends husband within three months of each other. (Her best friend's husband was John Kennedy Jr). She speaks candidly about death and helping someone who is chronically ill. Her husband is died of a horrible cancer. This book has brought some healing into my life. Just to hear someone speak familarly about walking a road of suffering ....she talks a language I know. She writes it well. She is not Christian but pain is pain. Her suffering is familar to me. She doesn't talk about God I don't know that she knows God. God knows her so and I love this book. This book made me think about this....

We have a hope chest that was given to us by Brian's family. In it are many of the things we treasure most from Regan's life. The pill crusher we used multipule times a day..it still has the last dose that I had ready to give her. It was still setting on her bed along with a cup of water for flush it. In this box is her ducky towel we used for way to too long but worked so well after her bath. There is also the key to her coffin, some medical bands, her hair bows....the things that are left of a life and death. Her closet is still full...I don't know when I will ever get to all of that. Some things I have already given away. Most of it still remains in the closet.

Yet those things don't mean as much as my memories of her. This are not locked in a closet or shut up in a hope chest. They remain with me all the time. The flood back when I watch my tulips bloom, when I walk in my front door with out her, every night when I go to bed, when we set at the table to eat......these memories mean more to me than any token. Ultimately all that will be left of her life is a small box .....that will all that will be left of mine. So this spurs me on to what will remain after that.

Hope, faith and love remain this is the context in which I remember her. Mementos only comfort for a moment. If it is a really good momento maybe a few moments. I do love these mementos but they are limited. I need something else to help. The whole that left in my life can not be filled up by little sweet sweaters, cute socks and left over meds.....this feeling that CS Lewis says so well "Was I really made for this?" My heart says "NO!" I was made to know God and to be known by Him. To know God within the context of hope, faith and love........

A year later what remains are the memories of my baby....my love for her, my hopes for her future, my faith in the reality of her life today. Even though I don't know what her life is like I am trusting God that it is good and peaceful. But what also remains is my love for God, my hopes that He what tells me is true. My faith in His words to be true. One day my faith with be sight, there will be no more need to hope in, but love will remain. I like that.

A Year Later

She loved to travel. You can see the joy in her face from her wheelchair and our mini-van. They allowed us rich time together and a life full of meaningful experiences. Many of our trips were mundane, everyday, across town or for simple errands. Some were worried between home, doctors and hospitals for help. Others were migrations back to family. Wherever we traveled, we went there together.

Today that wheelchair has been empty for one year. That mini-van has stayed closer to home. And we miss her.

But, we have traveled more miles this year...in my truck, on airplanes and in an RV...

...to the mountains in Colorado...



...to the coast in Florida...



...to the ski slopes of Northwestern Illinois...





...to the Grand Canyon...












These were great adventures for us...to explore God's good creation, our own hearts, rich family community and a new future. We are grateful for so many wonderful opportunities to travel. But with every adventurous mile we feel further away from our dear Regan. And "together" means something new...something not altogether welcome...something less...four instead of five. Even though she would not have enjoyed most of these miles, and could not have participated in our odysseys, she had a gracious way of putting up with our pace. And we enjoyed the sweet spirit she shared with us.

On April 21, 2008 we buried Regan in Oklahoma's red clay.

I struggled painfully that day wondering where she was and what would happen to her little body. So I went to the cemetery at dawn, prayed and did a Bible study.

I was reminded of the beautiful image of "Paradise." It was pictured as a Persian pleasure garden or forest. It was a place of peace and rest for those who had overcome the struggle with victory.

Though scripture doesn't give us all the specificity we'd like, it does give us some assurance: "To him (her) who overcomes, I will give the right to eat from the tree of life, which is in the paradise of God." (Rev 2:7)

We had this inscribed on the front of Regan's headstone. And on the back we added,

"She ran her race with grace.
We were graced to run with her."

Oklahoma isn't really known for its pleasure gardens or forests...but we believe Regan is enjoying a well-deserved rest in the Paradise of God.

So, we'll continue to run our race with the grace he provides.

It has been a hard year, to be sure. But God has been faithful. And he continues to lead us forward. That's good for us, because we enjoy traveling, too. Just a little less without her.

Thanks for traveling with us.

-Brian

Whiter Than Snow

This week in first grade we have been learning about adding -er or -est to compare two or more than two things. So I would like to say that snow when it is almost April is very exciting and seems to look different than snow in February. We woke up this Sunday morning to four inches of snow.....

Snow is white.....We also woke up knowing today was the day that Rylee was taking up her cross to follow Christ.

"though your sins are as red as scarlet, I will wash them whiter than snow." Is 1:18

What a wonderful day! She celebrated with her Sunday School class...and her several of her close friends were all there to see the big moment. We will share via video tape with our family over the next few weeks......She has been wanting to take this step for several months. After lots of conversations and a few tears we decided she was ready. Here are some of our favorite things she said to us.
"I am ready for the privilege of calling myself a Christian."
"I know I am a fingerprint of God but I am smudged. I know only Jesus can fix it."
"My heart can go dark. I need Jesus to help it."
"I know I could die. When you watch someone die you wonder where you will go when you die. I know that when you die you either go to be with God or you don't. I want to be with God."

This sounds like ready to me. The fruit of repentance is a beautiful thing.


We also went to watch one of Brian's boys be ordained..it was really great. Brian and Chris have a special relationship. We are so glad to see him take his next step in ministry. (Brian had a scooter fall on his head of Friday so he has a big bump...he is not turning Indian.)


Ryder also was in a play called "God Spell" this week at LCC. They had four performances. He did a great job...one of his best. Here he is with his buddy Garrett and friend Hannah along with their mentors for the play. It made me cry to watch Ryder sing one of the songs in the play in which no other children were singing but it was his favorite of the play. It talked about walking a day in which we will walk side by side with Jesus..... Let the church cry out....."Come Lord Jesus Come!"

Their costumes were crazier than normal.
But this week was the craziest we have had in a while. Praise God who pours Himself out from generation to generation.

Dates

This month is so full of memories of Regan

March 22 was her first seizure
March 27 first hospitalization in Dallas Children's Hospital
April 2 was the day she was declared brain dead in 2007
April 16 was the day she actually died

So we just move from one strange memory to another....

Each of these times hold both sad memories and also little miracles. Strangely enough Regan's first seizure was also while my Granny was likely to die from kidney failure. She made it and so did Regan for over five years. Amazing when I think about how these two are connected.

The first time we were hospitalized we were there for 10 days. They were some long days. We had no idea what we were doing. But we felt God close and guiding us in so many ways. His care has always been tender toward us. There are so many ways we saw him move I could not begin to list them all but a few are:
Regan was already in there computer but we had never been in that hospital and no one knew we were coming. The Great Physician called ahead.
Regan had a seizure as I laid the pen down at the registration desk. You never knew when they would come. God had perfect timing. The nurse came running through the door and knew exactly what she was looking at and diagnosed her immediately and accurately.
The president of the hospital came to visit us and pray for us....his daughter attended a Bible study that I taught. This pushed a test through we had been waiting on for two days...it happened within two hours.

Obviously everyone who reads knows all the details about the last two events. There are so many more than I could write about. We were glad to have her another year....we wish we had more. I wish I was buying her an Easter outfit to match Rylee. Yet we still feel and hear God. His care is tender....even in the the intensive care, hospice care, home care because we are always under His care.

First Grade Adventures

This week I officially became the substitute teacher for first grade while the normal teacher has a baby. She was put on bed rest four weeks before her due date so I am starting early! It has been a lot of fun. I enjoy this age....6 and 7 year olds. Regan might have been in first grade...and here is where I will be on the days around her death day. I will be surrounded by children who are still here to getting picked up after school, get their lunch packed, do homework, practice writing words, make spring crafts....their parents have no idea how blessed they are. Many of these parents don't feel blessed by their children at all. I feel a special attachment with those especially. I have already introduced them to one of my favorite series for this age, "Mercy Watson." three of them checked out copies to take home. They want to come to my house for dinner. They request me to tell them stories about adventures I have taken. The little girls love my rings and necklaces (no wooden pieces or button covers). They show me their bows. I tell them I love bows. Even the kindergardeners show me their bows and hair barrettes...isn't that strange? I have one boy that likes to set on my lap. He says "Do you think I am too big to set on your lap." I say, "No way, my twelve year old still sets on my lap." They knock at my window during recess....I wave and wink. One little one says he likes my hair because it smells good. I already love them.

I must say I wish Regan was with me. I wish I could have pushed her in a normal swing. I wish she could have climbed on rock walls. I wish she could have practiced her spelling words with me. I wonder what her handwirting might have looked like? I wish she could have asked me for a story.

This six year olds comfort me and make me long all at the same time. I know this is normal. I know because I KNOW that we were not made to watch things die. We were not made to let go of things in death. We were made for abundant life. We were made to cultivate to bring forth life. This truth comforts me the most and makes me long for eternity even more!