Confident in This

As we arrive here at Christmas time I have so many emotions. I am happy because it is the "most wonderful time of year"....I would argue that Easter should be looked at this but Christmas is also great for me because my husband was born in December. We also got married in December. My husband also gets time off during December which also makes me extremely happy. Being with him is my favorite thing. I also love my extended family. Time with them makes me happy. I have gotten to spend lots of time being an Aunt this month. Really fun...they are always eager to tell me cute things and share there affection with me.I am excited we are taking a ski trip for the first time as a family. This too is bitter sweet because Regan's limitations also limited us. We are celebrating her limitless life with Christ by doing things this year that are active....On a similar note a friend of my dad's had me flown on his private plan to my Granny's funeral...an awesome way to celebrate this as well....Yet, I am sad. I still can't believe Regan is dead. My brain still forgets this fact all too often. Still 9 months later I think of what she needs, I can spend several minutes considering her, loving her in my mind and then think...oh yea she is dead....really? Did that happen? Her stocking was hung with care and lots of tears, her ornaments where loving placed on the tree for her, of course this has always been the case but we wish she was here to smile at them. She loved the Christmas tree. It has actually been a way to remember our life with her...so many memories on our homemade tree. It makes me love it even more.
However the greatest feeling I feel this Christmas is confident. I am confident that God's good. Regan's death has actually confirmed this in a deeper way. It has also confirmed that God is merciful beyond my comprehension. I also have a deepened confidence that this hope we have in Christ's resurrection is more powerful than any hope...it is our only hope. It gives me confidence that He will come again and finish what His first coming started. This hope keeps me from being overwhelmed my my grief. This hope is not a fairytale..like Santa....or Polar Express.....or It's a Wonderful Life....IT IS TRUE! To be honest silver bells, decking the halls with holly, believing in myself, or love just don't cut it. I need something more solid. I am clinging to this truth will the energy I have. This is exhausting...I wish the church talked about it more and wasn't so afraid it would be weird....because it is weird...maybe we should embrace that too...we are weird. I AM WEIRD! I stand over my sweet baby's grave and believe she is coming up out of there....it's weird. But just because it seems strange doesn't mean it isn't true. Santa is weird....thinking that being nice to each other would fix this mess is weird. Maybe humanity needed something weird to wake them up...like God coming as a baby to save us...He brought the Goodwill of God by being with us, dying but most importantly conquering death! No one expected Jesus to resurrect...that would be too weird. But coming (the Emmanuel) and dying( the Savior) wouldn't have done it..He needed one more weird thing...Resurrection! (the Redeemer) This gives me confidence He is good, that His strength can help me, that His mercy is new each day, that His mercy keeps him waiting on the right moment for all this to be made right. He is trust worthy....I am confident of this. I trust that I will see His glory reign in ways I can got grasp but excite me...they give me hope.....and probably a awesomely weird.
They renew me for this difficult walk....We try to live with hope. We honor Regan with hope...He isn't done with us yet. Remember ....He said...He will return....be confident in this! Even if it makes me weird.
Come Lord Jesus, Come

My Sweet Granny

On Monday my sweet Granny stepped from her earthy life into her restful life through eternity. I got the great joy of spending a seven days with her in Oklahoma before she died. It will be a treasured memory that I feel blessed to have experienced. I will fly back on Thursday for her funeral. She and I were roommates for about a year. I actually moved out of her home the day I married Brian. I remember when she and I were in the bathroom packing up my last few items and then I was headed to the church to get ready. She put her hands on her face and leaned on the bathroom counter. She said, "I don't know what I am going to do without you kid" as she cried. I feel the same way about her now. I have known her my whole life. She was a simple country wife and mother. She wasn't highly educated. She loved to watch her "stories" otherwise known as soap operas. She loved the watch the Braves play baseball. She wasn't a great cook but she could bake like no ones business. She usually ate Cheerios for breakfast. When my siblings and I were home sick and my mom and dad had to go to work we would stay with her. She would feed us macaroni. The homemade kind....yummm....but a weird thing to feed a kid who was sick. She wanted to give us comfort food....I am glad. The greatest legacy she leaves me is to keep my faith simple. I have a tendency to over think and make things harder than they have to be. She loved Jesus..she knew he saved her from her sin. She trusted him with her life. At it's base this is what faith is. My close friends give me a hard time because when I really laugh hard I clap my hands. My Granny did the same thing. I am glad that she taught me laugh hard and love deeply. I will miss her and look forward to when we will be reunited when we all see Jesus....what a day of rejoicing that will be!

My Thanksgiving Ramble

It is funny how memory works. I was recently talking with a friend. She was describing how her young daughter had to be tested for the flu. She was sharing about how traumatizing the testing was because they had to stick a tube down her nose into her throat to get mucus to test for flu. I was agreeing with her about how bad that is because we had to do this to Regan multiple times a day. Regan hated it too.

I was sharing this story with Brian and we were talking to each other about how when we think about Regan we don't think about suction, breathing treatments, or sleepless nights....we mostly remember her. It has been a while since we really thought about suction. Since we thought about the sound it makes and the face it made her make. Our heart and soul remember her sweet smell, her fun faces, her laughter, her cooing, her peaceful presence, her hair, her reminder of hope.

I find myself very sad the past few weeks. I know that I am not as thankful this year as the last. I want Regan with us. I miss her so bad it hurts. I am really tired of feeling this way. I have always loved the line in the John Meyer song that says, "I can't wait to say, this is the way that I used to be." I know that this deep pain will not last for ever. There will be a Thanksgiving that I feel thankful again. BUT the only way to get to that place is to be present in the place you are....and honestly I feel sad because it is sad. Just like I had to chose to glad on the thanksgivings when we were hauling a van full medical supplies to Indiana or Kansas because I was so glad have Regan in my life. So I refused to complain then because I knew this thanksgiving would come. I knew that some day out in the future there would be a gap in my life because Regan would die. So I made that chose to be happy with her and to be sad later. Later has come. I never wanted her to know it was hard. I know she knew because I have never been good at hiding the way I feel.

This year I am thankful for Jesus in new ways. I've never liked prayers that thank him for what I have. It sounds so much like the prayer of the Pharisee who thanked God he was not a woman or a gentile. When we thank God for what we have often it is because we see others who have not and we are glad we are not them. Don't get me wrong we should always be thankful but I think it should be deeper than that. The truth is we could have nothing but Jesus and it would be enough. Sometimes we say Jesus is enough. But it is really Jesus plus ______________ (my family, my husband, my really great devotional Bible, my service, my guilt, my friends, my education, my extended family, my country, my president, my house, my cute decorations, my bonus check, the gifts I can buy....).....But this year I am trying to simply be thankful for Jesus. I am checking my heart to see if I mean it. Is He really all I need? I want to grow and let go of what holds me back from loving Him like I should. To simply be thankful because of Jesus. To be thankful because Jesus paid it all.

It's Just the Little Things

When you loose something precious to you it seems that little things become increasingly important. You find out just how important the little things are. They seems to stand out more.Like being home. I like it here. I love the little things about it. It is nothing fancy but I love it. I have always wanted my home to be a place my husband and children love to come in to and are a little sad to leave. Mostly because I want it to be a haven for them. A place where they are encouraged, listened to and know that they belong. I want our home to be a place of peace. Lately I have been thinking about how much I love to come in my home and am sad when I have to leave it. We also got a new roof this summer. I didn't want to spend the money but I love that we literally have put a roof over our families head....a basic need that I sometimes take for granted. My parents recently came to visit us for a week. I Sometimes can forget just how great they are. They love me. They simply want to be with me. We don't even have to talk. They serve people in their life with love. I am one of those people. They make me want to be a better parent when I am with them. I love them. They come every year at this time. They don't have to but they choose to. What a gift.
This is my Regan plant. It is huge. This entire plant came from one little seed. I planted 12 seeds in a variety of colors. Only one bloomed and it was in the same spot as the one Regan gave me last year for Mothers day. It made me happy all summer. It is just a plant but it reminds me of her. It died over night one day last week. I went from looking like this to completely brown. Amazing. I love it because it's beauty is shocking and unexpectedly breath taking. Any color could have shot up here in this spot and I would have been happy...but God gave me pink..the same color Regan gave me. God takes my breath away.Lastly, I love my tomato plants. I took them out while my mom was here but early in the fall I made this yummy Tomato Basil Soup from scratch. I grew the tomatoes and the basil. We all loved it. It makes me happy when I can grow things and then find yummy ways to eat them. It makes me feel like Ma (Laura's mom...from "Little House on the Prairie") My mom just told someone when she was here visiting that it is still sometimes funny to her that I am domestic. I am glad I can still make her proud. Lastly, I love these too. I love the way they challenge me. Rylee easily tells me what she wants. "I want you to tuck me in!" Okay...I will! I wish I could just say what I want. She also told me one night before bedtime prayers that she doesn't like to cry about Regan being dead because Jesus wants us to be glad for what we DO have and not sad or wanting what we don't. Lesson learned Rylee, Thanks! Ryder recently wrote another poem...it is simple but true.

There once was a beautiful little bird. But the bird couldn't fly. There was a boy who loved the bird. He took care of her and protected her. There was something he could do nothing against. It was called Time, and it got away from him. He thought the sickly baby bird would someday fly. And she did, one night when Time caught up with them. And the baby bird flew for the first time. But it few away from the boy and even though he tried to hold on , he knew she couldn't stay.

These simple children remind me that my faith must be simple too. Sometimes I make complex. Christ longs for me to keep it simple. They remind me to ask my self simple questions about my journey with God. Their belief in God impacts the way they live....yet it is simple. I see it in the little things like poems and confessions before bedtime prayers. All these things stir my heart to love God more......

Imprints

All three of my children are very different. Rylee is the type that leave things all over. On any given day you could find a pair of shoes, a pair of sunglasses, maybe a rubber ball that belong to her in multiple rooms throughout our home. Even though each night before she goes to bed I make her pick up all of her things and put them in her room and I do the same thing after I take her to school each day. Ryder is really into "his" music. He likes it loud and he likes all of us to participate in it. Sometimes when the windows shake I say, "really? Do we need it that loud?" Regan never left her stuff everywhere. She never left her music up too loud but what she did do was leave little nicks on my walls and door frames from her wheel chair. Our home is not new so our door frames and hallways are narrow. If you did not line it up just right you would hit the wall or nick the door frame. They look like these which happen to be on the door way in to Brian and my bedroom. Regan and I spent time in my bedroom almost everyday. Sometimes we folded laundry (which I am doing today) or sometimes on chilly days, like today, we would take naps together (which I hope to do later today) or sometimes she would hang out with me while I got ready (which I have done today).

But all our door frames have missing paint. It used to drive me crazy when we would hit the wall. It happened all the time. It happen in every room because she was in all of our rooms. She would play babies with Rylee in her room, listen to Ryder play trombone or watch him play video games. Sometimes she would hang out in Ryder's room on Monday nights with day and her and Rylee would watch the boys play GameCube while I was at Bible study.

Now her chair hardly ever leaves her room. Unless of course someone is staying in night with us and needs the trundle bed pulled out. So the reality is that there will be no more nicks on the walls just as there are no more memories to be made. No more costumes to sew or Christmas outfits to match or naps to be taken. Regan does not considered anymore. (Can I just say right her that WE LOVED taking her into consideration!) Though there have been no new nicks made in six long moths her imprint in our life is strong. Even when I paint over the chipped paint her imprint on us will remain.

Today I am glad that I have my memory. Today I am glad that we made so many wonderful ones with her. We lived life with her. Today I plan to shed lots of tears remembering them. I need days like this. Days when I am not rushing. When I can set in the floor of my hallway and remember the life that this hallway has seen. Today I am glad that these chips are here and actually glad that Ryder, Rylee and I were really bad aims....(Brian would want me to say in closing that he never hit the door frame or the wall: ) He is a man of habit and so unfortunately for the R, R and myself he doesn't make those kind of mistakes. Today I wishing that there was a little girl who happen to set in a wheel chair to roll through the hallway and maybe just maybe bump into the wall and leave her sweet imprint.

Ryder's Poem

Hi! This is Ryder! I wrote this poem while I was mowing our lawn. It is about Life, Death, and Love. I dedicate this Poem to Regan Faith Mills, My sweet little angel, and my Ray called Day.

The Ray Called Day

There is a Ray,
it is called Day.
But in the Day,
I cannot stay.
For Blue skies will turn to Gray,
So in silent vigil I lay.
If you are weary,
Here you will stay.
Wrapped in my arms till May.
And when no more is Gray,
All will be Day.
Then, in the Ray
we will stay,
Forever in the light of Day.

Ryder D. Mills
October 22, 2008
Age: 12

Love in a Fish Bowl

I know many people who go through crisis feel that their friends and family abandon them. They feel a since of isolation from community. It makes them bitter and often times their hearts are harden because of all the pain.

I however am not one of those people. Since the beginning of my life I have always had great friends. I often tell people about my friend Chris who was my best friend growing up. He was my friend no matter what. We knew each other as babies. People often thought we were cousins. We might have been closer than cousins. He was there the day I we laid our sweet Regan in the ground. We reflected that day on how life has gone very differently than we thought it might. I tell my kids about my friend Jodi who was the best friend a high school girl could have. She taught me about loyalty, deep devotion and honesty in friendship. I wasn't always that way to her but she always was to me. Even now I use her example to remind me of what a good friend is. Once she literally fraught another girl for me...I think she knew I would get my butt kicked. (We weren't Christians then but now we both are...I wish we lived closer so we could be closer and go to battle for each other in better ways!) When I was in college my friends Ginny and Michelle loved me when I know I was hard to love. I was trying to figure out how to love Jesus with my life. How to devote myself to Him, how to deal with the pain and hurt in my life. I would have been very alone if they had not been willing to stick in the fight with me. All these friends I praise God for all the time. Friends for my journey.
I thank God that he saw what I needed and that He was working in my life all along....teaching me things about friendship and community. What a life of inter-dependence really is.

I have always loved my friends. I have needed them to help me learn and grow. They have encouraged me so many times and regarding so many things I can't begin to express them all. I can't say enough...however my friend Hillary and her Texas crew of letter writers have blessed me beyond words. This picture of Hillary and I along with her Riley and my Rylee that was taken this summer when her family came to visit us. Such a wonderful time of fellowship...so much laughing and crying....conversation and even napping!


Anyway back to these letters. Hillary banded some women together from Dallas (who I befriended when we lived there) to write me a couple times a month. I usually get at least one each day. I keep all these letters in this fish bowl. The fish bowl sets right above my computer. I can easily take this bowl all over my house (which I do). My kids want to know what they say. These are not fancy cards. Most of them come on regular loose leaf paper or simple note cards. They share with me their lives. Hillary felt like it would bless me to know about what was going on with them since they know what is going on with me because of the blog.

I look forward to going to the mail box. This was especially good in the begining because some of our mail made me very said. We ogot hundreds of cards of condolences after Regan died. What a blessing to get them. I have those in Regan's room in a lovely brown box my friend Pat gave me. These cards mean a lot to me to but these letters are different. They serve a differnt purpose. They remind me that people still remember her. They remind me that people still cry and hold their own kids longer because of her. They remind me that friends don't need to talk every day or see each other every year to still be friends. We don't even need Facebook! These letters have reminded me the power of someones handwriting. These letters remind me that God's love is big. His love binds us together. It refreshes me because they say important things like "When I was praying for you this verse came to mind." or "I saw this flower the other day and thought of Regan." or sometimes even "I heard a song...." They usually update me on their familes. I know all these women and love them and their children. I love to hear what God is doing in their lives and about difficulties I can pray for in their lives as well. Sometimes all this with Regan makes me want to say...."Let's talk about you!" They do and I like it.

My girl friends here in Lincoln are the best....they bring me flowers on the 16th....they cry with me and sometimes even when I am not crying they cry....their children knew Regan well.....they lived life with us close up. They know her smell. They like to play with her hair barretts. They miss her with me. Their words keep me going. in a differnt way. I would could be easily bitter if they weren't here.

Regan's journey as been a lot like living in a fish bowl. People starred at her all the time. Usually because she was beautiful but some people are just rude. People watched to see what we would do...listen to how we lived with her....watched how we would respond to situations. Now that she is gone....the fish bowl is empty of the powerful life that was teaming in it. We are now a "normal" family. We go places and no one stares........So now I have this little fish bowl filled with WORDs from God's people telling me to press in, give myself time, telling me to cry, telling my they love me, reminding me that they remember, reminding me to trust God and to believe His Words.

Grace and Goodness

Rylee turned 10 yesterday. This seems impossible. She is suppose to be four! She asked for one thing....Ruthie...Kit's best friend. So she got it! So fun....I am glad that she still likes playing dolls and babies so much. She was very excited to finally see her special doll as you can see by this photo.








We have a tradition in our family that you wake up on your birthday morning to "Happy Birthday" and get to open all your gifts in bed. Sometimes that seems like a dumb tradition...especially the first few minutes of this family time. But usually the smiles come quick. I noticed when I was reading all the birthday messages that people sent to Rylee that there was a theme. Almost everyone said they are thankful Rylee is grace filled and sweet. Rylee's heart is good. She looks the good in others. Jesus' heart was like that. I am proud of her. She is not perfect but she teaches me to consider life in someone else's shoes before I pass judgment or assume too much. To live a life of grace towards others.

She is a sweet girl. She is turning into a sweet young lady. Time seems so fleeting lately...There was a time in my life I didn't want any girls...I thought I would do best at raising boys. God saw things differently. I am glad He didn't see my ideas as prayers and He did what He thought was best. My girls have been some of by best teachers. I look forward to the future because of the hope Rylee reminds me of....goodness and grace.

Sad but Good

Ryder and Rylee typically sleep in the same room when they sleep. It could be Ryder's room, usually Rylee's room and sometimes Regan's room. Since Regan died we took her bed and gave it to a friend of Regan's named Jeron. Now we have a new bed that has a trundle bed under it. This is easier for company....and for Ryder and Rylee to have another sleeping option. As if their own rooms are not enough! They would still love a fourth option to sleep with us BUT that is NOT an option....three is plenty.

So last night when I tucked them in. We had a going away party for Julie and her husband Vance. Julie was Regan's primary caregiver over the past few years. She is very close with our family. I hosted her wedding shower and baby shower so it is fitting that our home would be the place to say good-bye to her. So, Ryder prayed first and then it was Rylee's turn. She said, "Thank you Jesus for letting us have a party to say good-bye to Julie. It is very sad for us but a good-good-bye all at the same time." Julie is moving. Her husband got a new job. We have been praying for that. Julie wants to be a stay at home mom and now she gets to be. We have been praying for that too. However I guess I forgot to pray that all of this could be answered but still keep her close to us. So it is good. But this is another lose both for her and us. Julie loved Regan well. She was Regan's closest friend. She learned how to take care of her baby by loving our sweet Regan. Many mornings Julie and I cried together...trusted God together to help us do our jobs well...and take care of Regan. We were a good team!

I think good-bye's are usually like this. Good but sad all at the same time. Like when I leave my dad and mom's house, I am always sad but usually ready to go. They know this so this is not dis-respecting them. I am sure they are ready for us to leave too. We kinda take over. Their house was my home but now my home is with Brian and the kids. Life doesn't move backward very often. The life I had with my parents was good but now I am no longer childish and this life is the better life for me. (Even though when I go home I often revert to 11!) I am now what my parents raised me to be. I am more me. So this good bye is always sad but good.

Saying good-bye to Regan is sooooo good. She is so good. This place she is now is good for her. Her home is no longer with us but with God. She is now all she was meant to be. But it is so sad. So sad because we are not with her and she is not with us. We wish we could go back but life moves forward. Our hope when the saddness tries to over take us is that this is not our home...our home is with her ONLY because she is with God. We long for God because He is good. When we are home with him there will be no more good-byes....no more tears...no more confusion of the heart because things are sad but good....only Good.

I Miss This

What I miss the most because of Regan's death is this..........living life with her. I really liked life with her.....come to think of it I think a lot of people did! Today I am really thankful that I got to be Regan's mom......

Our Agent of Reconciliation

My mom is in banking. So reconciling your check book was something my mom taught me to do. To make sure that what your records show and the records of the bank match to the penny. So when I think of Jesus coming to reconcile us back to God I think about it in these terms. My account does not match who HE (God the Banker) says I am. You see I know how sinful I am. I know my thoughts, deeds and desires. I know that on my own I am completely bankrupt. I am completely in lack to make this account match up with the bankers records. I can not produce enough work to be who God desires me to be. I can not discipline myself enough to be who God desires me to be. YET....Christ died for me. He reconciled my lack. He paid in full what I could not muster up on my own. So now when the banker looks at me He sees Jesus...His work on the cross, His Holiness.....my account is reconciled. Oh the peace I receive from this truth.

The fun part of this is then I become an agent of reconciliation. Just like my mom helps people figure out their accounts and situations to help them reconcile their account at the bank. God uses us ...those who have been reconciled...to be apart of this work. When we put our hands, mind, or heart to something we are apart of HIS reconciliation of the world....He makes all things new! I am so thankful for this.....my account is reconciled! Thank you for the Cross! Thank you for Jesus our Agent of Reconciliation.

From Where I Stand

When the kids were younger I bought a book called "The View From Our Shoes" it is a book about what it is like to have a sibling with special needs. The book is loaded with essays written by siblings from seven to twenty seven. It was a great book for me to read to think about what it is like to be Ryder and Rylee....living with a sister with unique needs.

A few months before Regan died I took a series of photos of her and I while I held her. I love this one. I loved her cute socks. Regan never wore shoes so we put a lot of energy into her socks. As I sat there that day I told Regan that I liked this view. The view of her feet and my feet together propped by her chair. Every afternoon she and I would have snuggle time....oh how I miss that. I loved to smell her hair. I loved the way she leaned into me to sleep. I told her that day that whenever she went to see Jesus I would miss our afternoons together. I wish I could go back and tell her how much I miss our mornings, evening and even late nights together.

This weekend we went to see her headstone that was just placed last week. It is hard to summarize a life on one stone. Impossible. It is small because she was. It is elegant because she carried herself with grace. As a matter of fact the back of the stone says, "She ran with grace. We were graced to run with her." As I sat in my lawn chair at the cemetery and listened to doves cry and watched butterflies zoom over head I thought I never really thought about what this view would be like. This new view from my shoes.

We posed around her just like we used to. Regan always seemed to finder her way to the middle. It seemed so strange to walk away. To leave her there in the ground...with out us...us with out her. I want her back. I want to live life with her. I want to push her chair not just dust it because it has set empty too long. I want to talk about her in the present tence. Life with her was better. Life without her is hard. It is a struggle. Do you remember when I told you that my sister in law said I should feel no persure to be "over it" if the ground was still broken.

Well my daddy went and laid sod and my family and friends water it three times a day...God had a hand in it too by bringing a few good rains. I think it reveals so much about a father's heart doesn't it. The heart that says, "I'll do anything to ease the pain, to heal the brokenness. I'll plant sod in August if you think it would help." My mom even picks the stickers from all around the front of the headstone. No extra pain when you set at Regan's place we are dealing with enough. I feel the same when I look at my kids. I want to help the healing process along. What a good mom and daddy I have. He even bought a water hose. It is the funniest sight. A water hose in a cemetery. I wish every stone had a bio with it. I want to know why this child died...why another family had two children die...I wonder how they got along afterward? I want to hang a bio on the water spicket and explain to visitors what this hose means to me. If you look to the back ground of the picture you can see Regan's stone. You can see that the grass is completely green. It looks like she has been there while. Guess what I found out...my heart is still broken even if the ground is broken up...I am sure this is no suprise to anyone. I think my daddy thinks that's okay.
This water hose has come to bring a deeper meaning. It is reminding me that new life will come from broken ground but only with the watering of the Word. It is going to take some care. It will have to be intentional. It will take effort, inconvienince, investment from community, love and grace but healing will come. It is my hope right now. It is the image my mind is clinging to. That over time I'll be like the green grass growing from red dirt in the middle of August.

Files

Every mother has systems for their household. I few years a go heard a lady speak and also read her book on managing a household. I used some of her ideas and have twecked them to make them better for me. She suggested that you create files for each area of your life. So I did. Those files have changed through the years because life changed. I have a file for invitations, a file on my spiritual formation girls, a file for church, a file for decorating ideas, a file for the bible study I teach, I had a orthodotic file but we are done with that so it has become the file for my subsitute teacher information. Three constant files have been my kids. Each child has their own. Regan's file was not big enough so we started using an expandable file for medical needs. This worked great because we could grab it in a hurry and it had everyting we needed in it. Eventually her papers would move to her own file cabinett! These files for the kids work great for us. Any note, important paper, or form goes in this file. I use it for reference and so we can keep up with the constant stream of papers going back and forth. The kids know to put the information there that needs a place to belong until we need it. Yesterday we registered for school so I cleaned them out. I needed to make room for the semester ahead. So I removed things like summer camp information and notes from their teachers last year. I realized we had two bookette's left from last year, so yesterday we went to lunch at Pizza Hut! There is also information that we will need this year stuff like Cheer camp and music lesson info. This filing system sets on my desk so I see it multiple times a day. It sets right next to the computer. It is always just a reach away.

I know you can feel where this is going. Nothing new is going in Regan's folder. The last important papers I placed in there were her death certificates. If you have ever gone through helping someone die you know you need lots of these. We got eight. We still have three left. There is also a funeral home business card and two perscriptions that I never got to fill for her. I just left it all in there. I want her to still need a file. I want to put something new it. I want to fill out paper work for her. Yesterday we also got a refund from Kid Care (her secondary insurance for the state of IL) for May. We had already paid the premuim for May...she didn't need insurance for May. I want her to need insurance. I miss St John's. I had to take Rylee to the doctor last week for a sinus infection. I was actually looking forward to it (boy am I weird). I feel more normal when there are meds to give ..Bruce our phamaciest actually said, "we miss you!" when I went to get Rylee's meds. I miss the pharmacy! I miss her.

I saw a little boy yesterday at the Jr High that was Regan's age. His issues seem similar to her. He also shared a warm smile and eyes that sparkled when we saw the people who loved him. I watched him closely....I intorduced myself to him...he couldn't speak back but he smiled at me. I felt like it was Regan. It made me smile. I told him he was blessed to have is cousins and aunt there to love him well. He smiled at me again. I told him you make their life better. They all agreed. I walked away and thought about how glad I was for his family...he still needs a file.

I think it was around the time that Regan was born or maybe right after she was diagnosed with seizures and we knew that life would be difficult for her that we first started calling the song by Steven Curtis Chapman "Finger Prints of God" Regan's song....not the first verse but the second one that says,

"Never has there been and never again will there be another you. Fashioned by God's hand and perfectly planned to be just who you are. And what He's been creating since the first beat of your heart is a living breathing priceless work of art. And just look at you You're a wondering in the making and God's not through, no in fact He's just getting stared and I can see the fingerprints of God. When I look at you I can see the fingerprints of God and I know it's true You're a masterpiece That all creation quietly applauds and you're covered with the fingerprints of God."

Somehow we knew right from the start that we would have to make the choice to SEE God's image in her. This is challenging because we usually want to see God's image in things like victory, strength and perfectness...Regan was God's creation, perfectly plan just as she was. Now this song was mostly the kids and I..Brian isn't big on sweet little songs. We heard this song almost everyday while we were on vacation. We thought it was pretty cool. I love this picture of her because I can see the light of Jesus in her eyes...a joy that is beyond anything I think I have ever known...I think Regan understood something deeper about life than I do. I think she as enlightened in a way....she saw things correctly..the way Jesus wants us to maybe.

Another one of SCC songs that has meant a lot to me when I started this grief process over six years is called "With Hope" Six years ago I was grieving the ideas and plans for Regan that died because she had a mitocondrial disorder. It was then that I grieved that she wouldn't have a full life or a long one for that matter. I grieved for her and for me that she would never know the experience falling in love and that I wouldn't get to watch her. I grieved that she would never know the feeling of running in her daddy's arms when he comes home from work and I wouldn't get to watch it. I grieved that she would never know sleeping over at her best friends house, going to Kindergarten, prom, driving, being Rylee's maid of honor at her wedding, having babies of her own...and I wouldn't get to watch her. So all this lose made me start to grieve her. Though I thought all this practice would help me for the deeper grief that would come somewhere in the future...the future that I am living in now....I don't know that anything can prepare you for this. But the song says this,

This is not at all how we thought iwas supposed to be. We had so many plans for you we had so many dreams. And now you've gone away and left us with the memories of your smile and nothing we can say and nothing we can do can take away the pain. The pain of losing you, but "We can cry with hope, We can say good bye with hope. Cause we know our goodbye is not the end, oh no. And we can grieve with hope, cause we believe with hope There's a place by God's grace. There's a place where we'll see your face again. We'll see your face again and never have I Known anything so hard to understand. And never have I questioned more the wisdom of God's plan. But through the cloud of tears I see the Father's smile and say well done. And I imagine you where you wanted most to be. Seeing all your dreams come true cause now you're home and now you're free and We have this hope as an anchor. Cause we believed that everything God promed us is true. We wait we hope. We hold on with hope. We let go with hope."

This song is getting lots of air time again because of Steve Curtis's daughter recent death....So sad for them...so tragic...I know they hope. I am glad God him that song so long ago to help us all along now.

Ryder is having another birthday. He is getting another year older and as always several years smarter. He recently got his hair cut for the community theater musical production he is in this summer "Cheaper by the Dozen." It is the 1920's version not the Steve Martin version. He is doing a great job as the oldest son Frank. It is the best he has ever done. Some people think the hair cut makes him look younger...most however think it makes him look very grown up. A couple of days ago I took Ryder and his good friend Hannah out for "Steak N Shake" for their birthday's. We had a great time.
Ryder is a great boy. One of the things I love about him is his heart of "little guys." Here he is with his cousins but it seems most guys around the age of 4 or 5 think Ryder is pretty cool.

This morning he told me that he had been praying about a very hard situation that is out in his future. It is something he has no control over but doesn't want to happen. He has been resisting this change. Even though he knows it is a couple years away. He like most people doesn't like change. He told me today, "I going to get out of God's way. The "Kingdom" is bigger than me Mom." What a boy! What a little man!

All We Are

Recently I have had the great privilege of traveling a couple of times to here my husband preach. I love this because he is my favorite preacher. With that usually comes some great opportunities to meet new people, catch up with old friends and worship through music with bodies of believers I don't know. This is good for me because I get easily distracted with people I know because I think about what God is doing in and through them in my life. When I am away from home my heart is usually fully open to all God is doing everywhere and through out all time.

During these travels I have been lead in worship by Matt Bayless. He is a great guy. There is a particular group of songs that he sings I love. They are new to me but I have grown to love them. They focus on God in creation...how the moon and stars sing of God's glory. How the cannon's speak of his greatness. I love to sing about God's creation because I think it is amazing how creative God is. Each flower is his idea...some bloom only for one day but each from His creative mind. I agree with Him...it is good. Like Rylee the Ocean makes me want to Jump!

There is another song that we have been singing that says this "All we are is yours, here for a moment to give you praise, all we are is yours" My soul agrees with this because it is deeply true. God is teaching me this right now. I told Matt that I was so glad to have this song because I needed a way to sing it. I feel it is God that he brought me this tune and these words to sing what HE has already been teaching me.

You see it is true that ALL WE ARE IS YOURS....We belong to God. We are his. Some don't know it yet because all people belong to Him. Anything else that I am falls inside the boundaries of first belonging to God. Henri Nouwen says "I belong to Abba Father and He belongs to Me" Sometimes I think I belong to my husband, children, parents, family, friends, church, community, to my grief, to my pain, to sadness....then I remember oh no "I belong to HIM!" This is what I am...I am HIS. These other things I give myself to are ways to give him praise. They are glimpses of belonging. Hopefully my children will understand belonging because they belonged to me. They will know what it means to be fully loved because I loved them that way. They will know what it looks like to be looked at as a blessing because my eyes sparkled when I looked at them. I know I feel this way because of my parents. I understand the unconditional love of God because I belong to Brian. Brian loves me the way I am right now. Not some old version of me, not some future version of me. ME! This helps me understand that God loves me and that God will never leave me. BUT it is still a glimpse of what God has for me in HIM. These relationships are only the beginning. When I give myself to them I am learning how to give myself to God....He is what it is all about.

That I could belong to God..to be chosen...this is not exclusion of others but inclusion, a grand invitation into his Kingdom. These truths keep me in check regarding Regan's death. She was never mine. Sometimes I tricked myself into thinking that. She has always belonged to him. Death when we are alive in Christ is a full revelation of what we have been living all along (I think I got this idea from Nouwen too). Regan's death is reminding me that I too belong to the Father. What a blessing. Blessing seems like the simple word to say for such a great gift. I am glad I get to practice belonging with Brian, Ryder, Rylee and Regan, what a wonderful way to give Him praise. Even if for a moment.

Mountians and Ocean

I haven't posted lately because we have been on vacation. A couple of weeks after Regan died I said in a post that I wasn't sure where I next photo would be. I wondered where...wondered what it might be like. I thought maybe it would be on a mountain top or on a sandy beach...I never imagined that God heard that as a prayer. I wonder if maybe you made it one. Over the past two weeks we did both. We spend one week at a CIY in Durango CO..Brian spoke at it but we did some fun things in the afternoon and evening when he was done. We also had a family give us a week in the Condo in Florida. So, here it is....

Horse back riding near Durango Co. Regan never rode a horse...But we love them. Our ride was peaceful. She loved peaceful times. Joe our tour guide said to me when we were leaving when the kids were already in the car..." You have great children maim...I see a lot of kids on this job and yours are some of the best." I agreed. He then said, "They listen and follow instructions well without being afraid." I said, thank you..I think this is part of Regan's legacy in them.We visited Mesa Verde National Park....we think it is beautiful there...we remembered that God is doing a work among all people through out all time.We know that there is something greater than Disney Magic and look forward to the day when He swings wide the heavenly gates and prepare a way for the risen Lord and not a Mouse...we hope Regan gets to dance upon injustice down the streets of heaven.

We had this beach all to ourselves. I think I felt closes to Regan this day. We feel so separated from her...like we are oceans apart. Ryder said that he thinks God made oceans and mountains to remind us (humans) that we are really small...and he is really big.

These two weeks were made possible by loving people CIY, the Rutledges, my friends who took care of my house and garden and fish, and Regan. We have never gone on a big vacation. It is always simple. LCC takes our small life insurance policies on all their employee and their children. We had our own life insurance policy on Regan. So we used this other small policy for this vacation. So in a weird way....this is her gift to us. Regan mostly loved us...not places or other people. Every day when I would watch Ryder and Rylee laugh I thought Regan would love that. She would love to make them laugh..and have happy memories. Memories that were without her but make possible by her. I hope God told her about it. It is hard making memories even happy ones with out here there. We were jealous of all the families we saw at the theme parks with special children in their family. I am normally not a jealous person. I like my husband, my kids, my life...I don't want any one else's....but I wish I was pushing Regan around Sea World...taking her out of her chair so she could see. Pushing her under the misters to cool down. Waiting on the side with Regan while Brian and the kids did roller coasters. I never felt left out just honored to journey with her along the edge. I wish I was seating with her at the ocean...letting waves crash in over her legs. No Disney magic can make this come true....we just miss her. We toasted to her one evening..."To a girl who taught us to see our glasses as half full."

Happy Birth Day

Saturday was Regan's Birthday.....It is really still difficult to call it a Happy day. Rylee and I driving the day before and she said, "I just want Saturday to be Happy like it was when Regan was alive." I told her that I understood that but that it is hard to be happy because Regan is with Jesus now and not with us. She said she knew but she just didn't want to be sad. I told her I would work on it....maybe we could just be happy because Regan was born....I often call or write people on their birthday to tell them just that "Glad you were born!"

People sent flowers, cards, friends brought art supplies for St John's, Brian's family gave us a hope chest, my family visited her grave and put flowers there, so gave us gifts, we had a party...we watched home video, cried and kids played. One of my neighbors thought it was Rylee's birthday...He seemed surprised when I told him it was Regan's. Brian and I cried a lot. We miss her. We are disappointed that we have to talk about her in the past tense. Regan has received her reward....we are still waiting...It is painful to wait. I am thankful God's hope does not disappoint.

I am so glad that Regan Faith Mills was born. She was born on the first day of Summer. Summer is the season of Life.....even in her death she is teaching us how to live! She impacts me everyday. I am different because of her. She was used by God to make me more like him. I have been thinking about the love and devotion of our God to look on us with mercy through giving us Regan Faith. This was His will...not what I would have asked for but exactly what I wanted. I just didn't know because I am so limited. God used her life and testimony to inspire me to be more like Jesus by relying less on my own strength and to lean into Him for it. He used Regan to teach me pace. I am a doer and a goer.....the pace of life I used to lead was unholy...She slowed me down. This created space for me to be more aware of God's presence than I used to be. I am gentler....I am more passionate about God and His kingdom. He used her to teach me to stand firm in God's truth. To trust Him all the way.....To know He is Faithful.

The words to a great song say:
"He leadeth me O blessed thought! O words with heavenly comfort thought! What ere I do where er I be Still tils God's hand that leadeth me. And when my task on earth is done when by the grace of victory won. In death's cold wave I will not flee, Since God through Jordan leadeth me. He leadth me He leadeth me, by his own hand he leadeth me. His faithful follower I would be for by His hand he leadeth me.

A few pics

I thought I would update with a few pics....First big thing is Rylee got her expander out and her braces off....She looks so old.

Here are the kids with their dad before church on father's day....at Starbucks....So cool..So glad they are mine.
Brian also got his sushi for Father's Day. Happy Dad....happy family.

Rylee with Kohen...Julie's baby....A baby sitter in the making...He seems to like her. He must now she loves Regan too!

Eavesdropping

The greatest gift I ever received outside of the Grace of God, that I live and breathe in each day, is my husband. The greatest gift he ever gave me is to let me be a stay at home mom. In the last eight weeks (we think we are a lot like a newly dating couple...honoring each week like it is a silver anniversary..I don't know that Wednesdays will ever be the same.) ...anyway In the last eight weeks I have never been so great full for this gift of mothering Regan Faith Mills. The first few days after she died I just kept saying "Thank you" to Brian for giving me this gift of being a "domestic engineer." I know he thinks he missed so much each day while he was at work but while he sacrificed and worked I got the joy of taking care of all three of my children but in the last few years it has just me Me and Regs. I had help but I was still the one primarily with her each day. I have very few regrets thus far in raising my children. One thing that helps is that I have been with them...I have been the gate keeper....all of this made possible by our supporting sponsor B. Mills.

Now I have to clarify because I am NOT trying to say that women who work are wrong. I think in some cases Mom's who work make better mom's because work increases their capacity to mother. Some of my dearest and closest friends work outside the home.....some part time, some full time...Their children are great. They are great mother's and their husbands work just as hard as mine. I know when this is a hot button issue. I am not a person who thinks that because I do it this way all people should. I think the grace of God is huge. I think his path for us on the narrow way makes room for holy diversity...

Now back to my heart of gratitude. Each day when Brian would leave for work he would go in and spend a few minutes with Regan by himself. He would kiss her on her head and talk to her....I don't know what he said because he was by himself. I know he kissed her because I could hear it on the baby monitor. I know he talked to her because that too I could hear it on the baby monitor. Then he would come to the kitchen and kiss me good-bye and I would say "Go change the World...I'll stay here and change diapers!" This sounds like I felt like I am bitter about staying home bu I am not...changing my kids diapers is changing the world in my opinion. As he would call me throughout the day to check on Regan he often said how leaving her was very hard on his heart. He wanted to be with her. This was the reality of our life.

I know that walking out the door each day is still one of the hardest moments of Brian's day. He has no one to go kiss on the head and talk to before work. I miss eavesdropping on the whole event. I have yet been able to say "Go change the world....because I'm not changing diapers anymore.....I guess the one thing that is the same is that his heart is missing her....just NOW more than ever. This is the new reality of our life.

Most people don't know this but Sunday's were Brian and Regan's day. Before we moved to Lincoln getting the kids ready and to church was always my responsibility. Since he worked for the church he got their early. So I like lots of mom's around the world...got my kids up and to church by myself. Brian didn't even know where their Sunday School classes were. However our move to Lincoln changed all that. We were able to get ready together, drive in the same care together, set together in Sunday School and church each week. Brian asked if He could have the responsibility of Regan during church. It was his gift of me. He sat by her and if she needed a diaper change or had a seizure or if she was crying he would take care of it. If she couldn't go to church he would stay home with her so I could go. He even got her dressed and ready for church. I loved to listen to him do that on the baby monitors too! The sounds of the two of them interacting with each other was music to my ears. She had strong vocal reactions to her daddy. He was great at giving her "rub downs" with baby lotion. She always looked great but she especially looked great on Sundays...all this made possible by the loving support of B.Mill..Regan's daddy. Now he doesn't get to take care of her during church. This is a painful just like walking out the door with out her but it is the new reality of our life.

Father's Day is this weekend. We will celebrate by eating Sushi with Brian. I am so thankful to God that he saw fit to give me Brian Mills as a husband and to be the father of my kids. Brian is faithful. He is a faithful husband, dad, friend, employee, and man of God. He a model of integrity. Their has never been one moment I have been ashamed of something he has done. I am so glad I get to eavesdrop on his fathering.....even if we don't need baby monitors anymore. He spurs me to be a better mom by being all Christ wants me to be...to live up to the calling of Christ...to use my gifts and passions for God. This has been and always will be the reality of my life.

Better Place

Sometimes I just have things I need to say. These things can come from all kinds of reasons but I just feel better when I say them.

1) I realized today while I was at my friend Laura's that her house was the last outing that Regan had besides riding the the ambulance and going into the hospital. Today I got to set in Laura's living room. I hadn't remembered that until today. Rylee actually remembered it. We also remembered Regan's diaper leaked pee on Laura's floor. Very funny memory....maybe not for Laura's floor. So we missed her today. I know Laura's dog misses her....she always loved to jump up on the coffee table and put her front paws on Regan's lap and smell Regan. I liked Regan's smell too.

2) Yesterday I found some of Regan's old school work. Ryder and Rylee and I were organizing their work and of course we ran into some of Regan's. I look forward to hanging some of it up in her room. There are only a few of these because most of them Julie did for Regan. However some painting projects Reg's could do. I remembered how Regan would come home with blue or green hands and I would get freaked out for a few seconds because I thought something happened to her hand. This art reminds me that Regan used to be alive. Now she isn't. I liked it better when she was.

3) Yesterday we had the tornado siren go off in the the late morning. We went into the bath tub. I crabbed Regan's mattress. We have done this lots of times with Regan. One night I even let her sleep in the tub. Of course there was no water in and she was very comfy there. The three of us sat int that bathroom and remembered all the funny things that had happened with Regan during tornado warnings. It was crazy but I like tornado safety better with our sweet Reg's in the tub with Ryder and Rylee.

4) Today I turned Regan's calender in her room to June. I hadn't done it yet. That is the second time I have done it with out saying "Regan it's a new month, can you believe it!" I was on the phone with my friend Tesha at the time and I said, "Tesha can you believe I have had to turn this twice with her gone." I love Tesha but I liked it better the other way.

5) Sunday at church we sat by a lovely new couple that have been visiting our church. Brian and I spoke with them for a few minutes after. They told us about themselves....you know where they work, that they are expected a sweet little baby in December, where they live...things like that. Then they said, "Do you have children?" Brian looked at me and patted me on my back. He then said, "Yes we have two; a boy who is 11 and a girl who is 9." I liked it better when there were three.

People keep saying "Regan's in a better place." Yes she is. I honestly praise God for that every day. It is a great source of joy in my life. As I watched her struggle throughout her life that better place she is in now kept me from losing my mind. I knew she wouldn't struggle forever...I just never knew how much you could miss one person. So I am not in a better place yet...we liked our place better with her.

How are YOU?

"How are you?" This is a questioned asked all over the place by lots of different people. I remember when Regan was alive people used to ask me "How's Regan?" I found it difficult to answer that question too. You know that what people really want to hear is "Fine!...just fine! Most people want to hear this because when we ask this question we really don't want to know because when we do we feel pain. Our culture avoids pain but we constantly want to feel guilty. Guilt is the emotion of our culture. So, people don't want to know how you are because they are going to feel guilt that they did not lose a child or that their children are not born with a disability. Guilty that their life is easier. I know because sometimes I feel guilty that I have a great husband, or a loving family, or great kids.....or that I live in America...that I know Jesus and other people don't. So you would think I would have experience at answering this question. I still don't know what to day...I feel like my response will fall short.

So back to my original thought. "How are you?" I usually say, "I am sad" or "I am doing" because I think most people think I set around and cry all day. This is not that case. Yet while I am "doing" I am always sad. I don't mind the sadness because right now it is a link to Regan. I am fine....but that is because God is good. Strangely enough one of Regan's great lesson's to me when she was living was that I am fine even when I am sad. I spend many sad days during her life on earth. It was hard to watch her struggle to breathe....to be awake....to live. She had some good days but she had a lot of really hard days to. A lot harder than I have ever known. Yet strangely when you looked in her eyes...she was fine. She knew the goodness of the Lord in a way I am only starting to understand. I goodness that is not about my situation but about my soul.

I don't set around and cry too much. Usually the tears hit while I am going. Like at Walmart when I don't get to buy diapers any more. Or when I pass by Memorial Home Care and I don't need any medical supplies...or when I run to the grocery and I don't need a handicap parking space anymore....or when Rylee and I are shopping for summer cloths and we aren't getting matching outfits for them for the first time...or when we sit and she isn't at the table when we pray and eat. I am fine...but I am sad....God is good so I am too but I am sad and that is good. I loved my little girl. I miss her terrible (Have I mentioned that?)
Rylee is with her teacher at her awards assembly this week. She received a "Citizenship" award, an award for being in the school paper, and also the "Homework" award for having all her homework in each day. This was no easy task since they both missed three weeks of school. Rylee is a very loving little lady. She feels God's compassion towards hurting people. She wants to help them because Jesus would do that. I love her and she reminds me God is good.
Ryder here with one of his best friends Hannah. They both were in the top 15 students in the 6th grade for their school. He also received student of the month for May and and a "service" award in his homeroom class. I am proud of him for his witness. Ryder loves Jesus and the people around him know it and experience it. Ryder knows God is good. This picture was taken on Memorial Day...isn't it beautiful. So many pretty flowers. My family is doing a great job caring for her little plot of ground. Still so fresh. My sister in law Tiffany said, "You should get to cry all you want if the ground is still broken from Regan's burial you can be too!" It is one of the best things anyone has ever said to me. I also love all the little people that go visit her regularly. You can see their little feet and bodies in this picture. It somehow seems right. This all helps me see God's goodness.

Remembering

A couple of days ago..Rylee was putting her shoes on for school. She was setting on the kitchen floor. Ryder was in the front living room reading. Brian was gone to work already. I was finishing up making lunches. She looked up at me and said, "Do you ever hear Regan?" I replied with a resounding "Of course!" "I think I hear her all the time and that is normal." She said, "Good because I thought maybe I might be going crazy." I continued to explain that when she was a baby I use to think I heard her cry but I would check on her and she was sleeping away. Your brains hold lots of information..they contain lots of memories. Our brains are powerful they remember even when we aren't thinking about it.

That night Ryder came out of his room about 9:45pm with big tears in his eyes. He said, "Mama I think I am forgetting how she smelled....I keep thinking about it but can't figure it out." I instructed him to go into Regan's room and open the closet and put his head in her cloths. I do it several times a day so I know it works. I told him not to do it for very long and to make sure to close it when he was done because we want to retain it for as long as we can. It is the only place that still smells like her. A few moments later he came back with a big smile on his face and said, "Your right and now I remember....good-night."

Brian said recently that in his remembering he had forgotten how hard many parts of Regan's life was. How for several years she didn't feel well. The last year was pretty easy for all of us compared to other years. He said remembering how hard it was helps him be glad for her now.

Yesterday I heard about the Steven Curtis Chapman family and how their little five year old girl died. I meet another lady last night in my community who just a few months ago lost her 17 year old daughter. I cried both times. I remembered the stinging pain of the realization that the person you love so much is gone from your life. Instantly I remember this pain. The pain of knowing you get no more opportunites to make new memories. You don't want to make new ones with her not in it. You get no more opportunities to say how much you love them. No new..... only remembering. Honestly the reality of heaven does not ease this pain.

I have so many good memories. I love to be with people who had memories of her. Yesterday Kate (7 yrs old) thought the sky looked like the day Regan died. She remembers that day. She and I agree that day still feels unreal. Our friend Noah (5yr) calls the funeral the "F word" and asks his family to call it that too... because he remembering the funeral makes him sad. He has no reference for the other f word......He does however say "cheers" for Regan's new life. He remembers where she is and doesn't want to remember the f-word. We have one picture of Regan after she died before the funeral home came to take her...it is of Ryder holding Regan...he says it is his favorite....He remembers the night she died. He wrote this about that night. "...surreal, it is horrible, it is quite honestly:hell. That one syllable can describe the tears, the pain and that empty place that can never be filled." He remembers that moment. God was so near...the pain was so deep.

God tells us who Know Him to remember. "Remember this fix it in mind, take it to heart, you rebels. Remember the former things, those of long ago; I am God and there is no other; I am God and there is none like me." (Isaiah 46:8-9) I remember in Job how his friends wanted Job to blame God and not remember. Job had his moments too yet he kept his integrity before God. I want to be this way...so I will remember what Jesus said, "You are blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule. You are blessed when you feel you have lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you." (Matthew 5 Message). Part of me died the moment Regan died. So I know now I am less.....I am open to more of him....ready for a deeper embrace. I remember that though I am often a rebel that there is No other like Him...He is God and I am not.

Mother's Day Muses

It's the first Mother's Day for me that I have no pictures of me with the ones who make me a mother. We just couldn't do it. One of my favorite pictures of myself is on the Mother's Day right before she was born (her birthday is a month away). I was huge but I loved being pregnant. I thought about it a couple of times. That we should take a picture. I took the camera with me to church, then to Panera to eat, into Lowe's, over to the Irwin's while we had supper....but I didn't have the courage to do it. I simply don't want to take a picture with just the four of us. It feels to sad. Way to empty. Regan's presence was always strong in family photos.

Family pictures have always been somewhat weird. We can't do cute little poses where everyone sits on the grass. We are always posed around a sweet little curly headed girl who sat in a a wheel chair. At first we tried to disguise it by putting a black blanket on the back. Sometimes we even took her out but the last four years or so we just wanted it like it is....Regan in her chair...it was Regan too is some strange way. Now it sets empty in her room. It really is great that she doesn't need it any more. It is powerful to think of. It is our hope. That one day we will have no limits to our expression of worship. No sin to hold up back, to physical pain to be concerned about, no bills worry about, no relationships that are too hard. Right now that empty chair is also our pain because we want her and she isn't in it.

We took a last family photo in the hospital. I couldn't even smile. I knew. We all knew. Shannon knew when we took it. Tears rolled down her checks while she took it. She wasn't in her chair. Her chair wasn't there. We left it at home because she and I rode in an ambulance. I was glad we didn't have to push it out of the hospital. OR even worse drive home with it empty in our van. It was one of God's tender mercies to us. It was waiting us on when we got home.
We have taken one picture without her. Her body was with us but she was gone. My sister Jennifer took this picture. Tears streaming down her sweet face too. She knew in a second we were going to close that "bed box" as I came to call it...and never lay our eyes on her sweet body again. Regan looks a lot like my sister. I love that. We loved that body. We loved on it it so much that before the viewing in Oklahoma they had to put more make up on her hands and face because we had rubbed it off with our strokes and kisses. I think Ryder more than anybody. Mother's Day will always be hard. I have cried every Mother's Day for years in anticipation of this one...the one without Regan. I didn't cry too much. I am really glad I have Ryder and Rylee. They bought me a really funny card. They are funny. Mostly Rylee is funny. I think she picked the card out. She also drew me a great card. I am glad that the four of us have each other to be in our next family photo with. I don't know when or where the photo might be. I can tell you this. It won't be around a hospital bed, or a bed box, or a wheel chair. Maybe we will pose on the grass...or on the beach...or on a mountain top. Places that we couldn't go with Regan but now in the garden place where Regan is she can experience.